Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Tale of the Bearded Lady

I have something I need to share with you all.

I am growing a goatee.

I feel like I can tell you guys this stuff now. Since we have bonded & shit.

Now according to the sacred Book of Becky, there are only 3 types of people who grow facial hair.
Old ladies.
Salma Hayek in the movies.
And people with dicks.

NOT a 31 year old woman in the prime of her life who hasn't had her vagina shredded to bits by a small human child yet.

Most of the time you can't see my goatee because it's actually a magical illusion. I have usually pulled the hairs out before they have even broken through the skin. I have had to up my game in the grooming department which shits me off no end, & I must be on my toes at all times with tweezers at the ready. What began as only one hair, has turned into a full blown fur party on my face. It's major shitballs.

I can only think of one reason why my body has decided that it doesn't want to be a woman anymore. It's punishing me for not having a baby yet by slowly turning me into a dude.

B & I have been dancing around the baby topic for the last year. To do it now.....or to wait for a bit longer...... The pros & cons list are pretty even at this stage. I want to be a Mama Bear. I have a major urge to hold a little person in my arms that is a mish mash of all the mental qualities that make up me & my beloved. BUT I don't want to try & battle through a pregnancy being the size of a small whale. Not fair on me. Not fair on baby.

We got pregnant when we had been together for only 5 months. There was a lot of sexy time, & unprotected sexy time. Baby making generally happens that way. We were so caught up in sucking each others faces off that we didn't even think about the consequences of what we were doing. Anyway, that bun didn't cook properly & at 10 weeks I had a miscarriage.

No major drama. Psychologically I handled it like a pro. My life experiences thus far have rewarded me with a masters degree in coping skills. I am lucky in that respect. Physically though, my body fell to pieces . I had to have surgery & the recovery was N.A.S.T.Y & took a long time. Blake was horrified by me being so sick. But he was my rock & took such good care of me. We were living away from our families & we got through it together. This event was what confirmed for me that he was the man I was to spend the rest of my life with. If we can get through that, we can get through anything. It hasn't put me off wanting to do the baby thing, but it has made me realise that I need to turn my body into a fit healthy machine in order to cope with all that comes with being preggers.

I am pretty much a lone wolf in my wolf pack. Most of my friends have had Le Bebes. (except my bestie who has her own baby battles x). Sometimes I feel like I have nothing in common with my yummy mummy friends anymore. Or that I am the naughty rebellious friend who hasn't grown up yet. Everyone who is brave enough to say anything to me about breeding keep reminding me that I am getting older & that my bio clock is ticking. To them I say this: I am a child of the universe, the little baby soul will find Blake & I when it's ready. And we will be kick ass parents.

Enough baby talk. Where were we.......................oh yeah, my beard.

The goatee that I am growing against my will doesn't bother Blake. He has 'man-o-vision' so doesn't see it. But I know it's there & it makes me act a little bit mental. Especially if we are out in public & I rub my chin (you do this a lot when you grow a beard so I've found out) & I feel a prickly hair making it's debut. I usually have a massive freak out then find whatever free flowing cloth material available & wrap it around my head. Kind of like this.

I look like a ninja. Or a bank robber. Except a trendy grey leopard print face masked ninja/robber.

My sister is currently slap bang in the middle of her beauty therapy qualification. She tells me waxing is the way. Although it hurts like a bitch & the hairs grow back? Yep they may grow back slower, but they still grow back. And why put yourself through the pain of it. I may as well just suck it up & start shaving now.

If you suffer from the hairy-chin-a-mus affliction like me, here's some tips to help you get through the hard times.
  • Always have a mirror, tweezers & scarf in your lady bag. This is non negotiable.
  • Don't stand in direct sunlight. The sun will reflect off the hairs & make them glow like kryptonite.
  • The car sun visor mirror = best place to pluck. Just make sure it's not in the supermarket car park while you wait for your husband to buy banana's & milk. People are watching you & laughing.
  • Don't try forget the hairs are there. This doesn't make them go away. I have done that a few times then caught a glimpse of myself in the car sun visor mirror & pretty much shat myself. I could make a wig.
  • Accept the fact that the older you get, the more hairs will appear. It's inevitable. Ask any lady older than you.
  • Nair hair removal cream is bascially like putting battery acid on your face. Don't use it. And especially don't forget it's on your face if you are brave enough to use it. Having a third degree burn shaped goatee on your chin is not cool.
  • Don't try to shave your chin like a man. Trying to explain shaving cuts is awkward.
  • If you decide to just go with it & let it grow, just make sure it's trendy.
  • Pluck your beard in private. It's not something you should share with people. Unless you are mental & have no shame. Like me.
I know some of you ladies are sitting their saying oh my god I so know what she is talking about. I  know I don't walk this road of shame alone. It's called hormones baby. We women just have to roll with them & hope we don't stab anyone on the way.

Doin' it like Captain Jack Sparrow

I am almost certain that no one is going to freely admit to my blog world  that they are female & rockin some major chin muff. Instead I want you to tell me what freakish OR slightly odd body/face/feet/hand issue you have that embarasses you or that you don't understand. Everyone has them. Own it & embrace it. I dare you.

I will start. Apart from the chin hairs, I have funny mole-like skin patches on my arms. The guitarist in my band calls them my melanoma's. But they aren't cancerous. They just look weird. Not only am I turning into a man, I am also turning into a lizard. A man lizard. Awesome. Oh & I have the exact copy of my dad's toes. When my parents divorced I'm pretty sure my mum wanted to chop my feet with an axe because they reminded her of him.

So it's that time of the week again, "I'm A Winner Wednesday".
This weeks booty be this:

Academy Award nominee 'Boy'. A New Zealand film by Taika Waititi. I loved this movie hard. See the movie trailer HERE.
"Get Him to The Greek" is the second movie in this prize pack. Starring Jonah Hill, Russell Brand & my brown brother P Didds. See the movie trailer HERE.

To my friends from beyond NZ & Australia, you must have a multizone/universal dvd player for these to work in your country.  

Read T&C's by clicking the link.


Good luck & MAD loves


  1. Oh that's right found a stray hair on my chin blowing in the wind. WTF right? It was like 14cm long. Did it appear overnight? I think not. How many had noticed? Eeeek freak out! Since then I now regulary scan my chin for that embarrassing stray that may just re-appear from no where :)

  2. Aww I love your blogs they always make my day! Somedays I feel like I am turning into Chewbacca...This is not cool....Hormones are such a bitch and you know I know this! We are going to make the best mummsies one day I just hope we are miles and miles away from each other when that happens!! Love you K xxx

  3. I GET THAT THICK, DARK HAIR SPROUTING FROM MY CHIN! I mean what the hell? In a bad month I'll have two or three! And I'll keep feeling and picking at it until I can get home to the tweezers. Ugly hairs are freaky in any country!
    Going on 33 next month, and still no babies for me, either. Someday when I find a man who doesn't annoy the holy living shit out of me....

  4. I have hobbit toes, they are hairy as hell and Kris used to tease me when I was little so I shaved them, and i think that myth of "if you shave them they will come back thicker, longer and angrier" is totally true, i no longer shave them because i don't care. but they totally ruin my perfect ballerina feet.

  5. I call myself a Goat.....and I baaaaaaa when I pluck.....I am soooo over these chin hairs. Oh and it ain't just a stray, there is a fuckin' family. I get my chin threaded by a nice indian lady, and it doesn't hurt that much. I also get little hairs on my big toe, but unlike punk baby I shave that shit....

  6. @Kye - you give me a semi

    @BettyZade - So do you

    @Punkbaby - Kris can so not give you shit about your hairy toes. Oh my god we need to get a photo of his legs!

    @Bonnie - I like Goats. Goats give me semi's also. But not as much as the indian lady that threads your beard off. I might come to Canada & get her to thread me. If it hurts I will punch her. Unless she's old & then I'll just oush her over.

  7. Ah that one damn stray hair I hate you!!!!

  8. I had children at 35 - I am what they call a geriatric mother, it's no big deal to wait!! :) Except that I also have a bunion which I thought only grandmas got and one lone blonde hair which grows out of the back of my shoulder. I left it once to see how long it would get but had a freak out at 10cms and pulled the thing out before I started tripping over it. It is however stubborn and keeps reappearing. Wierd.

  9. Dying! hahah I love your Jack Sparrow pic.

    I have ONE dark hair that grows just below my jawline. It's in the hardest spot to see, so I don't always pluck it in time. Nasty!

  10. I have a rogue hair that grows on the inside of my forearm (the place where no hairs grow!) and it sometines grows to about 4-5cms! Luckily its not a big black hair, but just a normal blonde arm hair. Just super long! I have even caught it blowing happily in the breeze before!
    Being a beauty therapist, I am removing peoples unwanted hair's all day long. It is way more common than you think. And some people struggle with it their whole lives. But at least there's something us ladies can do about it. Would suck if tweezers or wax had never been invented! Makes me cringe to think about it lol.

  11. Grr now have this sorted!! Thanks for instructions on how to be a follower:)

  12. I'm 33, and I have this patch above my upper lip that is darker than the rest of my face, so it looks like I have a mustache. I know that mustaches are experiencing a big popularity surge, but shit! Not on my face!! I thought it actually was a mustache and tried waxing it, until I looked it up online and found out what it really is: melasma. Also it gets darker in the sun. I live in the southern US (super sunny and hot as hell) so FML. I think I need to bleach my skin!


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