Friday, June 17, 2011

Sincerest Apologies, from my childhood self

Disclaimer: Before you read on I would like to state in my defence, I wasn't exactly a bully child. I was just over excited & over confident. This double whammy personality affliction may have manifested itself on occasion into meany meaness & irrational acts of violence that could in some cases be construed as borderline criminal. FYI - to this date I have only been arrested once, when I was 25 (will tell this story one day), so the outlook for the grown up life of Becky is looking positively peachy.


Dear Katrina,

I am sorry I gave you chocolate after telling me you were allergic to it. I'm sure this wasn't the one & only reason you road your bike into the back of a parked car. I always got the feeling you 'liked' me a little bit more than normal for a girl of your age. And quite frankly your giant front teeth scared the living shit out of me.

I also found it weird that you lived with your granny when you had 2 perfectly good parents at your real house? Your granny was mad as a meat axe. And she smelt like cabbages, wee & mothballs. I could never eat anything at her house for fear of gagging. Please tell her I am sorry for cutting open her lounge cushions with the craft knife when we were playing doctors. Just between you & me they desperately needed a face lift anyway.


Dear Laura,

I am sorry for telling you a huge clove of garlic was candy & convincing you to eat it. And then laughing when you started to cry because your tongue was burning. I was just mad at your trampoline for launching one of it's giant springs at my sisters head & trying to rip her eyeball out of her head. She got to wear a pirate patch. This caused all sorts of fighting in our household. An eye for an eye & all that......



Dear Brendon from Invercargill,

I am sorry for throwing a piece of bark at your head & consequently splitting your eye lid open so you had to get stitches. It seems I had issues expressing my affections. I was actually completely & utterly in love with you, as only a 9 year old can be, & my way of getting your attention was by giving you the bash. 

When you left to go back to Invercargill after your holiday at the Galloways house, I cried for about 2 years. You may recall at the time, Elton John's 'Sacrifice' was number one on the NZ charts. Unbeknown to you, this was our song. I played that song over & over again on my rad walkman, whilst laying in my bed fantasising about what could have been. 

You were very good in our front porch stage show extravaganza of The Sound Of Music. I also enjoyed playing go home/stay home with you, even though you never found me hiding in the Galloways boat in their garage. I hid there for 2 hours, got mildly hypothermic & ended up walking home in the dark by myself. Hence the wobbly I chucked. You have no one to blame except yourself.

Sorry Brendan from Invercargill. You can't marry me now.

Dear Spiros the Italian,

I'm sorry but anyone who hangs upside down from the clothesline like a bat & has feet that smell like tomato sauce is straight up asking to bullied. Although I did like building forts with you & slinging mud at the next door neighbours dining room window. I didn't like when we got caught by Big Bum Phillipa & I got stuck hiding under your mums car. Mum growled at me for getting black shit all over my clothes.

I secretly enjoyed our friendship & was sad when your mum moved you to Australia. I didn't have anyone to watch Commando with over & over again OR act out scenes from Jesus Christ Superstar. You were the bomb digz Jesus!! It was a hard time for me when you left but I DID NOT miss your stinky ass feet. Or playing 'Bats' on the clothesline.

Spiros, your feet smelt like Watties.

Dear Amy,

You looked like a dude & to this day have the biggest head I have ever seen on a human. When you told me to hold my breath because it would make my ear ache go away, that wasn't very nice. That useless & potentially dangerous piece of advice didn't make me feel bad when I picked the hugest bogie ever known to man & wiped it on your bed while you were in the bathroom.

Ok so your head wasn't shaped like a giant peanut but it was pretty big.


Dear McHotty Jared,

When I rode my dad's 12 speed man bike down the street to show off to you, & I slipped hammering my vag into the top bar of the bike, I was really mad. What you also didn't see, was that when I slipped, I also dragged my right foot across the gravel road, ripping open my kung fu shoe & the top off my big toe. I'm surprised you didn't notice because I screamed like I was being slaughtered & my dad heard me from all the way down the road at our house. 

I got in the deepest shit for stealing dad's bike & ruining my black fu's that were brand spankers. I was forced to eat corn beef & banned from watching 'Neighbours' for a whole week. Three words......... fuck you Jared.

P.S You still owe my mum $12 for the shoes I ruined.

Kung Fu's. They were hot in the 80's. And gave the motherfuck of all electric shocks.


Dear Anita aka Gargamel,

First of all please say thank you to your parents for feeding us. Your mum often came home to find Hayley & I loitering in her kitchen eating chunks of melted cheese we'd baked in the microwave. Cheese was way cheap back then.

Secondly, I just wanted to settle the score once & for all. The only reason I bashed you in the face with your dads gumboot was because you threw it at me first. Abstinence from retaliation was never a strong characteristic of mine. We used to have wicked awesome fights. And I never meant the mean things I said to you, except for when I told you you had a large goiter neck. That was an actual observation. I hope you got that sorted.

P.S My dad was the one who came up with the name Gargamel. He said I was allowed to call you that because your face gave him nightmares.


To my sister Hayley,

You, my dearest sweet sibling, owned the majority of my youthful rage, by complete default. You were younger than me, smaller than me & had (notice I said HAD) the most annoying high pitched child speaking voice EVER. 

I am sorry for the time I super glued your hand to the phonebook, or when I chopped your thumb with the axe in the woodshed OR when I chucked the daddy long legs on you & you screamed your head off. I'm also very sorry for all the times I thumped you in the head. This was a lot. If it's any consolation when you used to get the nose bleeds at night time I used to cry myself to sleep because I thought I'd given you a brain hemorrhage. 

I did not enjoy the time you pooed in the bath. Don't be embarrassed, most kids do it. However trying to play dodge em's with your floaty poo boats wasn't a particularly fun time. What was fun was all the times we cruised round on the red & yellow tricycle. You standing on the back with your hands on my shoulders while I peddled like a fucker up & down the drive way. We were bad ass in our matching cardigans, with Bunny & Mickey in tow.

I never intended to make you cry all those time. You were just an easy target. Mattmoo, who was also fond of giving you the bash must've thought so too because he never tried to drown me in pool? And you never fought him back. However I do give you snaps for the pinching. You ruled at that.

Secretly I admired your ability to bounce back after your numerous dances with danger. I will never forget that one time you stuck your hand into the turny wheelie thing on the flying fox & got your fingers mashed into hand mince.You were fearless & unstoppable.
When mum used to growl at us & tell us that when we grow up we will be best friends & we laughed in her face, well I guess she got the last laugh. Cos she was right. Even though I still on the odd occasion feel the urge to bop you one, I love you bigger than heaps.

Your sister Becky x


  1. You know, I really need to finally get down to putting pen to paper and listing out the people I plan to kill should society collapse and the world NOT go into a peaceful phase next year, but a free-for-all phase like I figure would happen if the rapture really comes of the zombie thing happens or the Republicans get voted back into office.

    Only problem is, most of my people on the list to kill live in America, whereas I live in Europe, which means that I'm going to have to steal a sailboat or something to get over there.

    Better remind myself to take a sailing class....

  2. @Wagthedad - 10 steps from my front door is about 300 yachts floating in the marina. I'm sure we could come to some sort of arrangement. I'm thinking we could gather an elite group of people fuckerupperer's & become modern day pirates. Sailing the world killing all those that earnt it. AWESOME idea!

  3. Oh my god I just laughed so hard I cried at the McHotty Jared, fuck Kung Fo's were the bomb
    And then when you threw a spider on hayley i spat milo on my computer, funny as shit, although I know myself from frequent spider nightmares and flashbacks that having spiders thrown on you is the most UNFUNNY thing in the world!!!

  4. "...except for when I told you you had a large goiter neck. That was an actual observation. I hope you got that sorted." LMFAO!
    And I'm having a hard time picturing what a "turny-wheelie thing is on a flying fox". Oh well, great post. You were quite the little bastard.

  5. So glad I was on the other side of the world when you were a wee one. You sounded like hell on wheels. hahaha Thanks for sharing -- and for being so very far away. Just teasin'. ;)

  6. Your lucky I wasn't your sister.....if you threw a spider at me I would have fucking injured you.....real talk

    just ask my little bro, I bopped him in the face with a baseball bat, and put his tooth through his lip......

    to this day people are still scared of me .....(insert scary laugh here)

  7. I've been reading you for a couple of months now and seriously, you are a funny m-f-er. It is likely for the best that we did not share a childhood proximity since I was a very vindictive little shit too. My male cousin thought it would be funny to put a handful of worms into the hood of my jacket. Upon discovery, lots of running and scraming "Worms in my hair, worms in my hair" I went out into the neighborhood on a search and destroy mission. I had the brass balls to knock on his door and ask his mother where he was. The maniacal glint in my eye probably scared her but the total beat-down I gave little Bobby was legendary. Good times. Thanks for making me laugh on a regular basis. You rock.

  8. @Katie - I was mean a mean big sister. I don't know how she survived.

    @Bettyzade - type flying fox into google? Glad you got your dvd's & they didn't disappear of the face of the earth in transit.

    @Rachel - You should be greatfull. I was a tiny blond demon child.

    @Bonnie - You are my twin. Of course you bashed him the face with a baseball bat. I would expect nothing less.

    @Nan.S - No you rock.I would've have beaten Bobby to death. I hate worms. I also like that you admitted to quietly stalking me for the last 2 months. That's awesome!


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