Dear Drug Smuggler

Dear Drug Smuggler,

I love a good drug related reality TV show. It gets me all kinds of excited. I take time out of my busy life to watch Border Patrol every week because it confirms for me one fact that has been plaguing me for some time now, I am not a retard.

You may have missed the memo, or maybe you come from a country where you don't receive information from the modern world, however I feel it necessary to provide you with some vital handy hints & information which may be useful for the next time you go 'travelling abroad'.

If you can't understand the English I am happy to have this translated into any language of your choice.

Concealing drugs up your bum is not a new trick. The border patrol po faces know that if you are sweating like you are being bum raped by balloons filled with smack, then it's highly likely you do have several balloons full of smack scuba diving in your colon. There is no place where man won't search. TIP: Find a better hiding place. Bum is BAD

The hound dogs on leashes sniffing people's luggage & bottoms aren't there for the blind travellers to borrow.
These dogs are trained elite secret service drug locaters. They can read body language, speak fluent English & drive small cars. And their sense of smell is so powerful that if you farted in Brisbane Airport they could detect your obscene anal stench from all the way over in Auckland International. They are a magical species of animal & get paid more than the average human. From the fart scent alone the HD (Hound Detective) can tell you what you had for lunch the 3 weeks ago. These dogs are your arch nemesis. TIP: Stay away from this dog.

I'm not big on dog breeds but this dog is possibly a Beagle. Same diff. If it's wearing a dinner jacket, on a leash & sniffing shit, STAY AWAY.

A good passport is your key to the universe. You can do anything with a passport. Once important aspect to owning & using a passport is that you must have your own photo in it. If you are a 29 year old Colombian dude by the name of Julio (pronounced Hu-lee-o) Chavez. And your passport photo looks something like this.....

THIS IS NOT YOUR FACE JULIO!!

Make plans for a hasty exit because you are going to get fingered. Guaranteed. TIP: Don't be afraid to be yourself.

Hygiene is key. Science has proven that when you are nervous, your blood temperature rises & you start to secrete fluids through the pores in your skin. Primarily around the gland region. This is called sweating. To the untrained eye this means nothing, you could have just ran all the way to the airport. However if you are sweating like a one legged man in an arse kicking competition as you make your way through customs, the officers will question you about your sudden sweat gland malfunction. And you will more than likely be taken away for a fingering. TIP:  Get in control of the perspiration.

Packing your gear into a suitcase, like any carefully planned drug smuggle, should be done with the utmost care. The key is to hide it well. This is how NOT to pack your gear.

Quite frankly if you pack your suitcase like this, you are straight up asking for a fisting. And you deserve it. Much to my disgust, sedating & using birds, reptiles & puppies as carriers seems to be a popular choice right now. However I wouldn't recommend this. Not only is this completely shit house mean, but also by the time you get to your destination your goods will be a massive nasty mess in the bottom of your suitcase. Animals aren't reliable drug traffickers. This is messy, BAD business management & you will probably get capped by your drug lord boss or the World Wildlife Foundation. Those animal loving folk show no mercy.  TIP: Be sensible. Pack it right.

If, by some unexplained phenomenon, you actually make it to your destination, don't get cocky & assume you are a free bird. The hard shit is just beginning. I feel it crucial to advise you that not being able to speak or understand the main dialect of your destination country WILL NOT work in your favour. If the customs man asks you in English "did you pack your bags yourself sir" & you say NON, well some shit will go down. If the customs man asks you "are you carrying any banned substances on your person or in this luggage" & you say SI, then I am afraid to say you just dug your own grave sunshine. TIP: Plan ahead, speak the language of your host nation. It's good manner & may save your ass. Literally.

I have one final tip for you. Don't stick drugs up your date or jam it down your neck. I know I'm repeating myself but bums really weren't designed for hiding things. Neither is your digestive system. Grey's Anatomy/Private Practice/ER/House/Shortland St & all other hospital dramas have at some stage in their storyline history proven that if you choose to utilise either of these two orifices, you will more than likely die. One can only assume that dieing from exploding condoms filled with heroin inside your gut/bum is not a fun time. TIP: Sticking things up bums will always end badly. It's a fact.

DON'T DO THIS! DANGER DANGER!!

I would like to bring this letter to a close by saying that if you aren't 100% aware of this, drugs are actually ILLEGAL everywhere in the world. Please know that when you get stopped & found with drugs on your person when entering our country, I laugh at you. And I laugh hard. It brings me much joy. As my 3 year old niece would say, you are a silly bum bum. She is way smarter than you.

That is all.

Mrs B. Delport