Saturday Morning Shit List: June 18th

1: Medieval Re-enactments. The only time this twatflap of a travesty is even remotely close to being deemed 'acceptable behaviour' is when Heath Ledger is involved, people stab each other with big pole things whilst trotting on a horse & it's a movie called 'A Knights Tale'. It's called the olden days for a reason. Because it's old. And old smells like the inside of a cabbage factory.

I still don't get it.

 2: Eggs. I still like them but Blake doesn't. That may be because I told him that an egg is a stillborn chicken fetus. Don't listen to me. I know nothing.

3: Butt acne. I don't have this, nor do I know anyone that does. It's like the lochness monster of skin afflictions. No one has it, no one has seen it but it supposedly exists. Fact is, no one really sees your bottom (unless you are a homosexual man). So even if you did have butt pimples no one would ever know. All I know is that if I had pimples on my ass I would have to dislocate my shoulders to get to them because that area of my body is literally impossible to reach as it extends about half a metre from the back end of me. No shit. If I could spin my bottom half 180 degrees I could use my ass shelf as my TV dinner tray. Or a convenient table for my laptop. All I'm saying is that butt acne, if it exists, must suck big hairy chode berries.

4: Mean girls. It has come to my attention this week that a certain person in my life has been shit talking me behind my back yet is a smarmy over friendly little bitch to my face. It twists my pancreas in to seething angry knots. Girls can be such wankers sometimes. I generally try to avoid all things bitchery but being burdened with a vagina & ovaries sometimes makes this impossible. Apart from a few fopars ( I have apologised for these & 'made up' with persons involved), I attempt to live my life & treat the people in it with the respect & courtesy I in turn like to be shown.

5: The NZ Government using $10 million of tax payer money toward the dignitary's coming over for Rugby World Cup. The queen is coming, as are the royal brothers Harry & Wills, the president of Russia & a heap of other important dudes that shit money like it's fashionable. Our economy is in crisis, our government is in debt up to it's neck, Christchurch is suffering, people have lost everything they've spent their whole lives working hard for & their city is completely fuckered, yet somehow our nations leaders can pull a cool 10 mill from their ass (actually our asses, the hard working tax payer) to blow on people that roll in the stuff. AND me, someone who donates ridiculous amounts of tax from my weekly wage can't afford to even go support my beloved team because the prices are extortionate!! Excuse me for thinking that this isn't criminal. This shit makes me weep.

6: Parking metre machines that eat your coins. If I had've had an axe on my person yesterday there would have been bits of parking metre machine flying all over the car park. By weeks end I have zero patience. Especially not for stupid robot machines that eat my money. Disclaimer: It was actually my sisters money. Regardless, I still wanted to chop it.

7: Side walk spit. After having the shit fit at the parking metre machine I then had to dodge some one's giant green throat bogie on the pavement. I have never understood the spitting thing. I have been known on occasion to hoick up a good one but I would NEVER spit it on the pavement where people walk.

8:The Iraqi guy who got busted with 74 pellets of methamphetamine swimming in his gut attempting to leave Auckland international. According o the news report, the custom officer had to wait for 7 hours for the suspect to 'pass' the drugs. That is one long poo. Iraqi guy, you are a dickhole. And you obviously never got my letter Dear Drug Smuggler. Sew your anus up now Mohamed, there will be bum sex.

9: Bellybuttons. I don't like bellybuttons. They are all kinds of fucked up to me. Especially new born baby ones. It's like they have this piece of dried beef jerky sausage hanging from their belly with a peg on the end. I do not know how I will cope when I have a baby. I don't think I will be able to touch it until that shit has fallen off. Blake likes to rub my belly sometimes like it's a magic genie lamp. I think he's hoping a prize might come out. Like an xbox game or something. If he loiters anywhere near the button or attempts to finger my belly hole, I have a major freak out. It's no go territory.

GROT! Nice tight stomach but.

 10: Toe shoes. I'm sorry but am I the only one that is mortified by these shoes?

As well as bellybuttons, I also have a phobia of toes. These shoes bring up all sorts of psychological issues for me. They look like monkey feet! If you came anywhere near me wearing these horrifying excuses for footwear I would possibly attempt to hack your feet off the end of your legs with nearest sharp chopping instrument. Blake's girlfriend Scarlett Johanssen wears them when she goes jogging. Whatever. She is a bitch.

11: Earthquakes. For the love of Christ MAKE IT STOP! For my blog buddy's that have never been to my little bastard country, I'm just letting you know that I don't live in Christchurch. I'm about 5 hours northwest. We watch on from around the country in horror at what continues to plague this city, trying to comprehend in some small way how those people must be feeling. It's such a tragedy. This is one of the saddest things I have ever witnessed. People have died. This shit is so real. And those shakes just keep on coming.....

12: Rusted from the Rain - Billy Talent.

Dude this song blows. Humans can't rust in the rain. Unless you dress up like a medieval knight everyday (I think we have already established how I feel about that) or live outdoors in an old fridge. I hate this song. However I will give you snaps for using the hobo in your music video.

PEACE!