Friday, June 10, 2011

Dear person who writes movie scripts featuring talking animals

Dear person who writes movie scripts featuring talking animals,

I have only one question for you. WHY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is an important question. Do you know why?
Because it's in capitals.

Before you begin to think of a witty reply to my excellent question, please read on.

Among all of the other things in the world that chafe my cha chas, high on the top of my hater list is movies with talking animals in them. I have taken it upon myself to advise you of my thoughts on this heinous crime against the animal kingdom & your misleading cinematic injustice aimed at the young & uninformed.

First of all, I don't know how many friends you have but you should fire their asses. They obviously aren't very good friends if they don't even attempt to stop you from coming up with this shit. You need to fill your life with honest people. People like me, that would gladly bitch slap some sense into you without a second thought.

If I had a friend like you, & they tried to pitch a script idea to me with a talking dog in it, this is how it would all go down.

Potential movie script writer friend: "Hey Bex I've got a kick ass idea for a movie script"

Me: "Do tell...."

Friend: "I was thinking like a talking corgi dog called Mozart that escapes from a dog pound & hitch hikes to Chicago. There he befriends a downs syndrome boy called Samson. Anyway Mozart & Samson become BFF's so hard out that Samsons family adopts him as their own.

Samson loves Mozart with all his being because he is a dog that he can talk to about anything & that won't judge him for his lack of chromosomes. One night Samson plays with matches & accidentally sets his family home on fire. But Mozart incredibly saves the whole family & becomes a hero.

Due to this seemingly impossible act of heroism Mozart gets awarded the Chicago bravery medal by Oprah & eventually ends up becoming mayor of Chicago. How dope is that?"

Me: "BOOOOOOM" (that was me capping him with a bazooka)

Don't be sad for my imaginary script writer friend either. I didn't really shoot him. And I'm not being facetious. I'm just assuming that if you believe dogs can really talk then you probably believe that at the end of that made up conversation, I actually committed murder. Just saying.

Hey dip shit, guess what, dogs don't speak English. Or Spanish. In fact they don't talk at all. Neither do cats, rats, lions, giraffes, zebras & the rest of the animal kingdom. Everybody knows this. Except for fuckwits like you who write these movies. It's not an original idea & I can't think of one reason why you would wake up one morning & decide it is an AWESOME idea to make a movie about a talking dog.

You are setting yourself up for bankruptcy, divorce, a life spent roaming the streets with a supermarket trolley with your life possessions in it & a possible crack addiction. I am convinced that every homeless person in the world was once a successful script writer until they made the fatal error of writing a movie about a talking animal. Learn from the mistakes of others. Don't be a statistic!

The Cheech & Chong lookalike who roams the streets of my city with his large stick & sweatband on, I am pretty sure scripted the great dane shit bomb, Marmaduke. Look at him now. He has a stick for a friend.

I'm not actively agin to all animal movies. If I'm being completely honest I frigging loved Happy Feet & was fond of Madagascar. Mainly because they are animated, actually funny & involve a little bit more creativity than trying to figuring out how to move a dogs bottom lip up & down. What does give me the ultimate screaming shits is the copious amounts of talking animal movies out there. It's obvious from the fuckload of previous talking animal movie fails that this is not an original idea. Do you script writers even research this shit? I'm thinking not.

If Jesus comes back to earth one day he will be so pissed at you for misleading & deceiving the children into thinking that animals actually talk. I know the christian folk say JC loves everyone but I think even he has a limit. And what about the aliens? You are going to confuse the fuck out of them. 

For 2 years of my life, every friday, I was tortured to within an inch of my insanity by the movie 'Cats & Dogs', by 2 of my favourite little people, Brayden & Kyle. I will never understand how they never got bored of watching the same movie over & over again about 10 times in one day. Small children seem to develop alzhemiers for a short period aged between 2 & 4. It's like the movie ends, they draw a blank in their tiny brains & have no recollection of what just happened. So we watch it all over again, laughing at the same parts like experiencing it for the very first time. The child alzheimer type memory loss also relates to reading books.

These 2 boys aren't so little now but the youngest boy Kyle went completely apeshit for Cats & Dogs. So I sat & watched it, over & over again. I started hallucinating that Jessie their Jack Russell (RIP) was talking to me while the kids were at school/kindy. She would sit in front of me with her head to the side asking me all kinds of whack shit. Mainly about the neighbours cats & how she loved running. I had to shut her outside. Then she would sit at the door with her head to the side & watch me through the glass doors. I'm pretty sure she thought she was way smarter than me.

My husband & I have made a joint decision that we won't let our yet to be created little people watch this utter willy dribble you have created. One more talking animal movie & I will start a riot.

The people have spoken.

Thank you

Mrs B Delport


  1. I feel the same way about ANY movie that has a talking ANYTHING that doesn't talk in real life. Like the movie "Cars" for example. My son watched it 4 times a day, everyday at the ages of 3 & 4. I know it's animated but he didn't understand that cars will never talk back to him. It drove me nuts. He still quotes lines from the movie.
    A car shouldn't have a quote, fuck I don't even have a famous quote.

  2. Jem loves the Garfield movie hard out, I have seen it over 100 times, what you say about them having no memory of what they just watched is 100% true. But now we actively seek out movies with talking animals to keep Jem happy - you will too when your day comes, and I will be waiting to punch you in the face, and it will happen...

  3. Hilarious as always! My pet peeve is movies that features some commoner that looks like some royal/famous person and they have to take over their life temporarily. Or teens that switch lives with their parents. Gag!

  4. Bonnie:
    "Fuck I don't even have a famous quote" will someday be your famous quote. Just you wait.


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