The art of eating out of a dumpster

Last week, after the most shit house day ever in the history of the universe (yes it was that bad), I was sitting on the couch having a little binge party for one on green onion flavoured potato chips. I'm still trying to break the emotional eating cycle. Don't judge me.

Anyway I dropped a few chips on the carpet by my feet & didn't think twice before swooping down like a vulcher, grasping them in my sweaty little carnie hands & jamming them in my pie hole. There was a hair in it but I was totally unfazed. Not long after I did that, I turned around to Blake & said to him, as though I had no recollection of what had just happened, 'What the fuck did I just do?". He looked at me with a mix of pride & shame, & told me in a matter of fact way "you ate chips off the floor".

I also recall eating bread dip off the floor at my sisters place with a couple of my girl friends. My sister pulled it out of the oven & accidentally dropped it on the floor. We were really shit faced, there was farting, & a little bit of bladder leakage. If you could picture 4 drunk bitches sitting in a kumbayah circle around a loaf of mashed bread on the kitchen floor stuffing themselves stupid. It was funny at the time I promise.

For those that have never heard of Bread Dip, it's a hollowed out bread loaf, with bacon, red onion, sour cream, cream cheese & grated cheddar mixed together & baked inside it. It's SO good. I would have sex with it if it wasn't weird & it didn't burn my vag.

As a kid I would eat anything off any surface. Kids are good like that. I was rather fond of sand pit food. I liked the crunch. I never ate the soft, sand covered lumps in the sand pit though. Thank Christ. Sand pits are basically an over sized cat litter tray. I don't blame the felines. Regardless of the fact they are supposedly intelligent animals, even I don't expect them to tell the difference between a child's play area & their dump tray. They should though, the smart hairy fuckers. Especially when they leave sausage-like cat turds on my pillow & piss on my bed. If you ever wanted to see a cat fly you should've been there in the early hours of the morning when I arrived home exhausted after a gig & found my sisters cat had left presents in my bed. I booted him across the road. I don't even know how but my rage brought out my super human strength. FYI - That is the one & only time I have ever hurt an animal. And he still likes me.

Anyway, somewhere between the little shit kicker years & morphing into my adult self, my natural human instinct to eat things I have dropped on the floor, has waned. I still do it, obviously, except I'm just slightly more fussy.

In my town we have our share of hobos & because I start work before the sun rises every day I know many of these hobos well. They are my nightday transition friends, I have pet names for all of them & they are professional bin divers.

Please correct me if I'm wrong but I do believe that this is some kind of Leisure Sport in America?

Most of them are screw loose, & have absolutely no shame when it comes to digging through garbage to find their next happy meal. In the name of research, I had attempted to have yarns with Old Man Sam this morning to get his take on his chosen lifestyle. He is a mute, which I didn't know, but he smiled, did some jazz hand movements & showed me his collection of plastic bags. We bonded.

As acknowledged in my shit list dated June 4th, I am being made redundant on August 1st. SO, taking into consideration how fucked up the economy is, the lack of employment opportunities in my city, & general depressing forecast for our future as humans, I am making a note of dumpster dining etiquette to refer to when Blake & I become homeless & have to join the dumpster diving hobo gang.

• Night time is the best time to dumpster dive. Between the hours of 12am & 5am you will have your most fruitful scrounge.
• Sleep during the day. Dumpster diving is brutal on the body. And you are less likely to be murdered/freeze to death if you kip during sunshine hours.
• Find your dumpster. Claim it. Fight anyone else who tries to dive on your patch. This is positive for 2 reasons. 1: you will always know what you are going to get. 2: It will aid you in earning your respectful place within the hobo gang. They will know you mean business.
• Obtain a can of pepper spray. For safety reasons. (it helps if you have family member who is police lady)
• Try to do it in pairs. One dives while the other lurks in the darkness with a large stick ready to fend off foreign invaders.
• If potential food find smells like sweaty bottom crack, bathroom cleaner or glows in the dark, don't eat it. Number 1 rule: Nose knows best.
• Dig from the top. The closer to the top of the garbage pile, the more likely it won't kill you. 
• Eat as you go. Don't carry anything on you. Garbage is no longer free & you may get arrested.
• Meat is bad. Unless it's Mcdonalds or KFC. That shit can last for days.
• Canned stuff is fine. Even if it's past it's use by date. Bond with a can opener. It will become your most prized tool.
• Don't waste your time with seafood. It will make you feel like you're dying & you will shit through the eye of a needle. I don't know who came up with that saying either because unless you have the asshole of an ant, shitting through the eye of a needle is fucking impossible. Just saying.

• If you come across a dumpster like this, you have hit the jackpot baby. This bountiful supply of carbs will keep you going for weeks. Stuff yourself stupid. On a tight week, this carb storage will help keep you alive.

•  Beware of the animals. Hungry animals will tear your shit up if you try to mess with their food. And if you come across anything like this.........

 Take a photo because this is awesome. I know we don't have bears in NZ but I still like to pretend we do.

• If you come across a fellow hobo whilst dumpster diving, & he looks at you like this

 BACK THE FUCK AWAY. YOU ARE ON HIS TURF.

The hobos have a hierarchy system & if you are new on the streets they will make it very obvious that you are at the bottom. You are hobo scum. Respect these guys. You may need one of them to spoon you in the middle of winter.

What have you eaten off the floor lately?

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It contains a Smokyshadowblast eyeshadow in Bronze Fire.

Lash Blast Volume Mascara in Black

Lineexact Defining eyeliner in Brown (seriously who the hell comes up wih these names?!)

AND instructions on how to create an au naturel smoky eye (if that's possible?)

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Peace out!