Monday, June 20, 2011

Dear Evil Twins aka my bladder & bowel.

I thought it was high time the pair of you got a telling off because to be honest, I am SO sick of your piss & wind.

10 years ago, you two used to be able to take anything I threw at you. But it seems of late you have reverted into what can only be described as geriatric old bastards with severe behavioural problems.

Bladder, you are a nagging old lady & I want to know what you think you're playing at. We used to party all night girl, grinding up on unsuspecting crotches & shaking our shit to Shakira. I will never forget the time at my work Christmas party when you got so drunk & pissed in my pants because someone made me laugh too hard. And then took my knickers off & dumped them in the sanitary napkin bin in the public toilets at Queens Gardens. (they were sexy new ones too). It shocked me how you didn't smell like urine AT ALL, kept it hidden from everyone & still managed to maintain a certain level decorum so we could keep on partying. Commando even. You were so hard core back then.

Now you are like a shrivelled up old granny bag. It's like babysitting a handicap person. Two beers & you start to dribble like a retard. It's embarrassing!! I have had to ban you from drinking because we spend more time standing in the line for the loo than actually enjoying ourselves. This shits me off something chronic. Everyone says you should try holding off going to the toilet for as long as you can when you are drinking so you don't break the seal. Well your seal must have rotted & crumbled away because you don't seem to have one?

I remember when we went to the Big Day Out for the first time. We were both so excited. Until you started to guzzle back the brewskis. That was when the trouble started. You had no patience which became obvious when we had to line up for half an hour every time we needed the toilet. You chucked a tantrum & made me venture into manland & use the boys toilet. And by the time bum hit seat you'd already half finished. Walking around a music festival, under a 30 degrees scorching monster sun, with soggy knickers & a moody angry bladder was not my idea of a fun time. Thank god the 2 years following you stayed away from the booze. I was pleased to see you had learnt your lesson.

I suppose I can't be too mad at you because that lady we know, who we also won't name, that pisses herself every time she sneezes & can not hold her wee in at all causing her to leak in various places all around her house is way worse off than me. Her bladder gave up on her a long time ago. I hope like hell that we don't end up like them.

For a 31 year old I must say you have aged very badly. I am terrified to think what is going to happen when I get pregnant & you have the body of a small human constantly pressing down on you. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it. Just remember you work for me. You are part of my elite support team & I need you to be on form at all times.

As for your dirty brother Bowel, I don't know what you have been eating lately dude but Jesus Christ your burps STINK. Like nostril burning kinda stink. You are like a ticking psychitzophrenic time bomb. You don't know whether you are coming or going & quite frankly it's exhausting.

I will never forget the time I took some iron tablets when we went away camping down the Abel Tasman. You had me holed up in the long drop toilet for about 5 hours. For nothing. It was like a game. You made my guts hurt like buggery so I would run to the toilet thinking that I am about to explode like that Chile volcano & then nothing. Absolutely nothing happened. You left me a weak, sweaty, pale mess. And that time I ate the bad lasagna & you chucked the biggest shit ever. I thought I was going to die trying to keep you in check, camped out in my blanket tent outside the upstairs bathroom. You were like a mad man, completely out of control.

I feel like you have some kinda beef with me a the moment because you have been behaving way worse than normal. You seemed to have developed allergies to curry/spicy food which makes me incredibly sad & you have been keeping me up all night with your constant noise. I've sought some professional advice on how to deal with you & your problems but no one seems to be able to shed any light. It's been difficult but somehow I seem to be trucking on. My husband doesn't like you either because of your rancid stench & the fact you use way too much toilet paper. 

image source
The pair of you should know that I will be monitoring you closely over the next few weeks. I am hoping to see some sort of improvement in your attitudes & consistency in your behaviour. Don't be hating on me either. I've nurtured you both & given you a good life so far. One can only hope you will endeavour to show me the same respect in return. Defy me & I will make your lives a living hell.


P.S You two really need to learn to tell the difference between day time & night time! I am sick of dragging my ass out of bed at stupid o'clock in the morning because of you. Also please tell the ovary twins if you see them, to please keep hanging on in there. Their time to shine will come soon enough.


  1. oh my god wait until you squeeze 2 kids out your hoo haa then you'll know all about it. When they say "make sure you do your pelvic floor excersises" don't ignore them, they are not saying it for a laugh!

  2. LMFAO! I love you. Feel free to change your diet to stop the gas. As for that bitch, bladder, I have no advice. lol

  3. I'm sorry love but it only gets worse after you have kids. Sometimes I even wear a panty liner when I wear my good knickers so I don't ruin them.

    As for your stinky ass, I have no suggestions. Silent but deadly is usually a man's problem. Are you hot boxing/dutch oven Blake at night????

    Stick a mentos up your ass, you know what they say about those...."The Fresh Maker"....hahahahaha

  4. On refelction, 8 hours later, I have no idea why I decided it would be ok to talk about how I pissed my pants once.

    @Katie - Your aftermath of babies talk scares me somewhat. I will be pelvic flooring my ass to shreds. I will be Iron Vag.

    @Bettyzade - I actually eat quite well. I just have an anal malfunction. Actually I don't have a malfunction, but I do have an ongoing problem with my guts. I'm going to see a naturopath.

    It makes me happy that I make you laugh & I hope you enjoyed the dvd's Just so you know, we don't talk like that maori kid. He is an egg. But a cool one.

    @Bonnie - I am pretty certain that there may be some wee wee laughing when we get together. Thank you confirming the fate of my piss bag.

    Don't you explode if you stick mentos up your ass? Or is that just seagulls & antacids?

  5. 2 Things:

    Sucks that you have this at 31, but I started getting prostate problems at 32, and that sucks as well. You go, then you go back to bed, and then your bladder is all "I didn't finish yet," and then you have to get out of bed and go again.

    Yeah. Prostate problems. 32. I went to the urologist because I was having all of these pains, thought I had testicular cancer or something, and the doctor says "Nope. Just a swollen prostate."
    So of course me: "But I'm only 32."
    Doctor: "So?"

    2nd thing:

    Women have already commented on this, but my wife lives either in the bed or the toilet when she's pregnant. Sucks.
    She also used to have this condition where her urethra was too small. This may be your problem. Don't worry, though, it's easily fixed: they split your urethra and once you're done screaming and it heals, everything's peachy.

    I won't tell you how they go about splitting a urethra.

  6. I love your new banner. (I can't comment on your post material! haha)

    P.S. Though I appreciate your spelling of the word -- it really is creative -- it's "schizophrenic". I should know. haha JK. ;)

  7. I agree with punkbaby - I soooooo regret not getting into good habits with the pelvic floor exercises.


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