Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Ronan Keating & the swarm of angry killer bees

My walking encyclopedia & avid enviro loving husband tells me that the bees are dying. And if they all die, then so do humans. Seriously never bring him to a party. Major BUZZ kill. Ha ha, BUZZ, get it!! sometimes I even crack my own shit up.


WHY in the hell would you do this?
I'm not a big fan of bees. I have only ever been stung twice. The first time I was 7 & my foot swelled up about 10 times it's normal size & throbbed like a bitch. That was a long time ago yet the memory is still so fresh *tear. Fast forward to now, I am so fast with my judo chop that there is no way that they can get anywhere near me. You want to know what happened to the bees, well I more than likely fucked them all up.

I once jumped out of my sisters van while it was still moving because a bumble bee flew in the passenger side window to get me. Luckily we were just pulling in to her drive. It all happened so quickly that before anyone in the van knew what was happening, I was out the door & rolling across the drive way. It was the day before my wedding. The idea of having my ass 10 times it's normal size & throbbing like a bitch didn't really appeal to me.

The bees in Africa are a whole different ball game. Those fuckers chase you. There are these things called hornets which I guess are kind of a cross between a bee & a wasp. Every time we ate our food outside, which when it's a million degrees all the time is A LOT, these bastard hornets would be hanging around trying to get all up in it. And you are supposed to sit still otherwise they rash you & start dive bombing. Well no one told me this. My natural kiwi born & bred instinct was to fuck these guys up. Plus I go completely mental if anyone tries to touch my food. Even insects. I ended up doing something like this.

Those silly Sims!! Always weeing in their pants & setting shit on fire.

When the South African contingent immigrated to Nelson & I first became friends with Blake, I told him & his mate Cliff one summers afternoon, that our bumble bees here in NZ have a tiny set of chompers like humans do. And that they don't sting, they actually bite. So the next day, with a small butterfly catching net, they went & caught one. HOLD up a second, why would 2 wide shouldered, good looking, muscly South African guys have a butterfly catching net you ask........fucked if I know. But nothing those guys do surprises me anymore.

Anyway they caught a buzzy bumble & Cliff proceeded to man handle it, as you do, in order to see if it really had teeth. Well of course they don't dumbass!! And he got stung big time. I admire their investigative skills & commitment but for shit sake, really?????

And now for a complete change of subject................

Did you know that sometimes handicap people ring me up at work to chew the fat? No I'm thinking that you probably didn't know that. I think they get lonely & want someone to talk to. I don't understand much of what they say but I pretend I do. I'm really good at just making shit up & going with the flow. Plus I've figured that if I come across as a complete retard they can hardly judge me can they?
One day I felt like a bit of sing a long, so I sung this one handicap guy (his name is Richard, I think) a couple of verses from *Ronan Keatings "Life is a Rollercoaster". It was stuck in my head at the time & seemed uplifting & fitting for Richards current situation. Except for maybe the part about 'dancing all night & having a blast'. Because Richard's in a wheelchair. Oh well. He still rings me every Thursday morning.

Just quietly, I would rather have my hands stapled to my desk with a nail gun than listen to Ronan Keating. Even though the Irish accent gives me a lady wood, that particular little Irishman gives me the runny shits. The only time I could ever listen to him sing is if I was in a coma.

People ring me up about all sorts of things at my work. Not just for a taxi. I'm like an 0800 ANYTHING service.

One morning a lady rang me to ask me how to spell the word 'could'. I am not lying. She said there was no one at her house & she couldn't remember how to spell it. Of course I obliged because I have good manners & quite frankly my spelling is awesome. My inner monologue was screaming what the fuck. 

Another morning at around 6ish I had a dude phone me because he apparently wanted to shammy his man candy whilst listening to my voice on the other end of the phone. At first I was chuffed that he chose me, but then I just got bored & hung up. He wouldn't say anything except whispering oh yeah, oh yeah over & over. BORING. At least try & talk dirty for god sake. Or play some background music. Maybe some Bowie? Bowie always gets the vag's jumping.

People ring me to ask what the weather is supposed to do today. Because apparently I should know these things. I am also quite a handy dandy street directory & giver of directions. I am also supposed to know where people's shit is when they lose it because not only am I telepathic but I also have a locator beacon/GPS navigation system built into my head. If you ever pass me in the street & I'm making high pitched squealing noises, that's just me trying to connect to broadband. I've got my finger on the pulse man & I never miss a beat.

What song would you sing for Richard the handicap? There's no wrong answer. Unless if it's anything by Neil Diamond. He hates Neil Diamond.

I'm a Winner Wednesday giveaway this week is THIS:
 Yes it's a hand gun ice cube tray. Every home should have one. I think they are freakin awesome!!

AND this: The debut album by Jesse J "Who You Are".

This may surprise a lot of people that know me, but I love this album. She has an amzing voice & an attitude to match. If you are sitting there thinking I have no idea who she is, check out her music vid for Price Tag HERE. This is quite possibly the only pop type album I own.

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Peace out!


  1. So your job is taxi service receptionist, but people call you for, oh, everything else? huh. Got a high percentage of whackadoos over there in NZ, I guess. lol Sounds like fun!

  2. Does the guns come with ice bullets?......If I was in your position I would fucking kill myself......

    I would sing Richard "Jump" by The Pointer Sisters....baaaahahahaha that's how I "roll"...baaaahahahah again

    I'm going to hell

  3. bahahhahahahah I just laughed so much remembering how bloody fast you commandoed out of Hails van when that Bee got up in your grill we were till moving hahahahaha too funny!! Hmmmm what song would I sing to Richard...hmmm for some reason I have Ruby dont take your guns to town this morning.....also I think I could remix it with Rude boy by rhianna.....yup I'm that good.

  4. I would have said 'Sweet Caroline' now as this song is stuck in my head (but not the Neil Diamond version, the one from the hot glee guy)
    But what about 'Last Christmas'? Just to confuse him :)

    and if you ever get people asking for directions and 'what can we do in nelson' just send them around the corner to my office, thats what i get paid for.
    oh and if you ever feel like a coffee, come see me at the office, not what i get paid for but always good :)
    Miriam :)

  5. Gansta's paradise by Coolio just cause thats the song that always pops in my head when Im asked to sing anything not that I can sing in the first place which is probably why I like that song!!

  6. @BettyZade - Yep whackadoo central here. But the crazies don't go round chopping people into pieces & bury them in their backyard. This is good.

    @Bonnie - We will get chopped together one day with hand gun ice cubes in our drinks. While playing with hand guns. Hard core. Yep.

    @Kye - Love you. And your head music. I keep having visions of you bouncing around my house x

    @Miriam - I totally forget I have your number on my cellphone! I am going to text you & organise a lady date :)

    @emmarose - LOVE that song!! I know all the words too. I really think Coolio underestimated just how dope his shit was.

  7. I wish I had of been there to see you dive roll from the van, classic!

  8. Never a dull moment in your life, huh? :)

    I recently saw Jessie J on (a repeat) of SNL and man, does she have legs for days. Her voice surprised me as well.

  9. Zoe was just telling me the other day about the bees and if they die so will we...i was like oh yeah and how do you figure that, well she started spouting all sorts of worrying facts, enough to convince me that maybe a little more respect and a little less squashing was in order!! Bugger! I hate bees, im allergic!!


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