Saturday, June 11, 2011

Saturday morning shit/love list: 11th June

I know, you are looking at the title of this post thinking what coke is she honking up her huge nostrils, but hear me out. I promise this is a one time only event.

The other day my sister comments that I come across as being a bit angry in my blog posts. Well the fact is I am. I get ranty & excited all at the same time. This is how I roll bitches.

However, to justify myself & show you just how versatile my personality is, I feel the need to pay respect this week to the softer side of Becky. I've decided to mix my shit up today. I will try hard to make it not seem as though it was written by the leprechaun rainbow fairies but I can't make any guarantees. Without further ado here is this weeks shit/love list. Christ it even sounds gaylord. Righto, carry on....

1: Tribute Bands. This is how much I hate tribute bands. I would rather lick the underside of a hobos testes while having lit cigarettes stubbed out on my face than sit through an ABBA tribute concert. Or someone pretending to be Elvis/The Eagles/Neil Diamond/Shania Twain/Celine Dion. There is a reason why the originals aren't around anymore. Because they either ate too many crack burgers & croaked, or just got plain old tired of the orgies. Every musician has a life cycle. I'm sure they were awesome in their time, but their shit got old. If I happen to be in the neighbourhood whilst you're dressed up like Elvis, singing Suspicious Mind to a bunch of downies & geriatrics, AND charging them extortionate prices to witness your cockflap concert of shame, I will have you arrested for crimes against humanity. See example below. That is all kinds of fucked up.

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HIS MAN TWAT!!!!!
2: Pillows. My pillows have duck feathers in them. And I don't even feel bad about it. These feathered beasts cradle my abnormally huge noggin like it's a museum treasure made from solid gold. The pillows were actually a Christmas gift from Blake's ex employer & also included a big dust attracting blanket. I know, who buys their staff bedding for Christmas? I shit you not, every Christmas they gift everyone with 2 new pillows & a blanket for their bed. You know just in case the one from the year before got burnt in a fire or something. Anyway I love these pillows. Blake doesn't like them because they make him sneeze. He is such a bitch sometimes. This suits me fine because it means I can have them both. I was never good at sharing.

3: Side rats tails. First of all, for my peeps who have no idea what the fuck a side rats tail is, I will explain. A Rat's Tails was the bomb diggz hair style choice for young dudes when I was growing up. Ratty's are the bastard sons of the mullet. Short all over except for a big natty long piece of hair hanging off the base of the skull. Now donned mostly by rednecks or people who just missed a bit when shaving their heads.

BEHOLD! THE CURVE TAIL

AND THE GLORIOUS GOLDEN TAIL

Over the past 5 or so years, just like nut hugging bogan jeans, Vanilla Ice, high tops & fluro t's, the Rats Tail has made a comeback. But the new age ratty has manifested itself in to a sideways position. And all the young penised ones are loving this shit. Proving extremely popular amongst the nations rugby players. I saw five of them standing on the corner outside the movie theatre yesterday & ALL of them had some form of side ratty. Blake had to put the kiddy lock on the car window to prevent me from yelling abuse at the them. Without further, here is the side rats tail.

ULTIMATE MAN CRIME! AND it's even plaited. You Homo.
4:Red liquorice. This doesn't need an explanation. I just really like it. Especially when covered in chocolate or with chocolate down the middle of it. I don't eat this anymore but it still frequents highly on the list of things that get me moist.

5: Corey Jane. He is a Hurricanes rugby player & winger for the All Black's. If Blake ever decided he'd had enough of my crazy shit & kciked my ass to the curb, I would head straight over to Corey J's place. First off all I would have to get rid of his wife but that's minor details. Every time I see him on TV I literally have to be restrained from attempting to hump the plasma.

He never actually said that

Or that. But I bet he would.

6: Socks that don't stay on. At home, in my leisure time, if it's cold, I wear socks. Woo exciting. Well socks & my feet seem to have some logistical issue because they refuse to stay on my fucking feet. They shimmy half way down the body of my foot so they are half hanging off & I look like I have clown sized flapper feet. It drives me mental. It reminds me of when I was at junior school & when we had library time all the snotty nosed special kids would have their socks flapping 6 inches beyond the end of their feet like they were scuba divers. Anyway my heels get cold, I get mad at the socks yet I still choose to walk round with them flapping off the end of my feet like my feet are wearing little smurf hats. It's called endurance. I like to see how long they can hang on for.

7: Other people's boogers. If your stomach can't handle booger talk then don't read this. Next time you are sitting in the stall of a public bathroom, look at the walls. I guarantee, you will find at least 3 art displays of someone else's bogie's. I don't know why, but people wipe there boogers on toilet walls. It fascinates me. It's like they get bored while taking a mud, so decide to have a quick bore out of the nasal cavities. Upon finding the green buried treasure, knowing full well eating it is taboo, they wipe it on the wall. Do you know how I know this? Well that would be because I have done it once. Not something I'm proud of but it was convenient & it was a shitload better than being glued to the end of my finger. It was one of those boogers that sticks. And you start to have a mild panic attack because it just won't get the fuck off the end of your finger no matter how hard you flick. So I wiped it on the wall. I know as some of you read this you will be laughing because you have done this. I AM NOT ALONE!

8: Jersey Shore. I don't watch a lot of TV, but I would be lying if I said I didn't like a bit of reality TV. I LOVE Jersey Shore. Mainly from a comedy aspect. These guido's & guidettes crack my shit up hard. Nothing pleases me more than watching other people make complete cocks of themselves. Snooki is a complete munter. I hated J-wow in the beginning. She would be someone I would probably fist fight with. However she has earnt my respect in the previous 2 seasons. She has a little bit of self respect (except for her hidous tit flashing dresses) & she doesn't bone anything with a dick. The Situation is a greasy little dickhole. And I love Pauly & Vinny. The rest of them are not even worth remembering.


9: Selling Blake's giant collection of anime DVDs. This fill me with pleasure. I never really got his obsession with these weird Japanese animated movies. I've been forced to watch two of them. The first was full of guts, & swords & chopping shit up. Mildly stimulating but meh. The second one was basically cartoon porn. And it felt wrong. Nor did I enjoy it. I have been nagging him since we got together to get rid of it. Because on my 'rate a geek' list, anime features highly (personal opinion). He rebelled & refused. (God I love him). That was up until a few days ago, when he made a grand announcement, that he is going to sell it all. My dining room currently resembles the inside of an anime movie store, but I'm strangely not fazed. Soon it will all be gone *insert evil laugh here.

The gun  & sword show.

10:Farting on the treadmill. I know I've talked about this before but I still do it. I can't help it. Especially on Mondays when I've had 2 days away from the gym. My intestines go on high alert & start excreting the little bubbles of sulphur death gas. I'm like a silent killer baff machine.

11: Pubic Hair. Could someone please explain to me what the point of having pubic hair is. Because I just don't think there is one. That was a rhetorical question. Because I learnt last night, from the my wise husband, the scientific reason why we men & woman of the universe are plagued with the pubes. It is so when we bang fanny's, we don't chafe each other. Apparently pubic hair is designed specifically so that it creates a sliding surface for pubic mounds to grind on each other without creating friction when humping. From experience, friction is not a fun time. So next time you get mad at your overgrown vag bush, give it a little snaps for the great job it does.

Last chance to enter this weeks draw to win Jesse J's debut album, 'Who You Are' & an ice tray that makes hand gun shaped ice cubes. Check out Wednesday's blog post HERE, become a follower of this blog & make a comment on that post & you will be in the draw to win. Closes 12am Sunday 12th June GMT.

Peace & love from your favourite mad be-atch!!

6 comments:

  1. KdawgdiggidyYAHUHyoureadrightJune 11, 2011 at 10:06 AM

    Mmmm Vinny he is my liquid Italian Gold.....Who knew what purpose pubes really had! Hands in the air like ya just dont care for Pubes everyone!! I love you x

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  2. When I moved into my house it came with toilet walls covered in boogie art! So not tasty and has taken me years to get it all off:(

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  3. seriously i haven't left the house for months obviously, I had no idea about this side ratty. I am not surprised by it, but HOLY these kids are gay!

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  4. So that was you being all warm and fluffy, huh? LMAO! I can't stand Jersey Shore. I would douse all those wastes of space with gasoline and set them on fire if I could. When someone asks me if the carpet matches the drapes, to that I say: I got hardwood floors, buddy!

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  5. I was totally in love with this guys rats tail when I was young and they were fashionable. He was such the bad boy lol. But seriously a side rats tail what the feck is up with that. I mean come on 1: it's not the 1980's and 2: EWWWWWW. Or is it holy crap 'we've got old and this is the latest fashion' :D ps. thanks for the picture of the scary fat man in the white jumpsuit showing his camel toe. I really didn't want to ever sleep again!!!

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  6. @Kye - I wish my man beaver would groom his. It's like a bush bomb exploded in my bathroom.

    @Emma - Bogie Art will be HUGE oneday. Banksy will have nothing on that shit.

    @Katie - I hope your head hurts this morning. Happy 30th!

    @Bettyzade - I agree it's douche fest. But I'm hooked.

    @Tash - I was in love with a dude who had a 3 inch veranda fringe. He worked in produce department at New World. He was so bad ass.

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