The other day my sister comments that I come across as being a bit angry in my blog posts. Well the fact is I am. I get ranty & excited all at the same time. This is how I roll bitches.
However, to justify myself & show you just how versatile my personality is, I feel the need to pay respect this week to the softer side of Becky. I've decided to mix my shit up today. I will try hard to make it not seem as though it was written by the leprechaun rainbow fairies but I can't make any guarantees. Without further ado here is this weeks shit/love list. Christ it even sounds gaylord. Righto, carry on....
1: Tribute Bands. This is how much I hate tribute bands. I would rather lick the underside of a hobos testes while having lit cigarettes stubbed out on my face than sit through an ABBA tribute concert. Or someone pretending to be Elvis/The Eagles/Neil Diamond/Shania Twain/Celine Dion. There is a reason why the originals aren't around anymore. Because they either ate too many crack burgers & croaked, or just got plain old tired of the orgies. Every musician has a life cycle. I'm sure they were awesome in their time, but their shit got old. If I happen to be in the neighbourhood whilst you're dressed up like Elvis, singing Suspicious Mind to a bunch of downies & geriatrics, AND charging them extortionate prices to witness your cockflap concert of shame, I will have you arrested for crimes against humanity. See example below. That is all kinds of fucked up.
|LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HIS MAN TWAT!!!!!|
3: Side rats tails. First of all, for my peeps who have no idea what the fuck a side rats tail is, I will explain. A Rat's Tails was the bomb diggz hair style choice for young dudes when I was growing up. Ratty's are the bastard sons of the mullet. Short all over except for a big natty long piece of hair hanging off the base of the skull. Now donned mostly by rednecks or people who just missed a bit when shaving their heads.
|BEHOLD! THE CURVE TAIL|
|AND THE GLORIOUS GOLDEN TAIL|
|ULTIMATE MAN CRIME! AND it's even plaited. You Homo.|
5: Corey Jane. He is a Hurricanes rugby player & winger for the All Black's. If Blake ever decided he'd had enough of my crazy shit & kciked my ass to the curb, I would head straight over to Corey J's place. First off all I would have to get rid of his wife but that's minor details. Every time I see him on TV I literally have to be restrained from attempting to hump the plasma.
|He never actually said that|
|Or that. But I bet he would.|
6: Socks that don't stay on. At home, in my leisure time, if it's cold, I wear socks. Woo exciting. Well socks & my feet seem to have some logistical issue because they refuse to stay on my fucking feet. They shimmy half way down the body of my foot so they are half hanging off & I look like I have clown sized flapper feet. It drives me mental. It reminds me of when I was at junior school & when we had library time all the snotty nosed special kids would have their socks flapping 6 inches beyond the end of their feet like they were scuba divers. Anyway my heels get cold, I get mad at the socks yet I still choose to walk round with them flapping off the end of my feet like my feet are wearing little smurf hats. It's called endurance. I like to see how long they can hang on for.
7: Other people's boogers. If your stomach can't handle booger talk then don't read this. Next time you are sitting in the stall of a public bathroom, look at the walls. I guarantee, you will find at least 3 art displays of someone else's bogie's. I don't know why, but people wipe there boogers on toilet walls. It fascinates me. It's like they get bored while taking a mud, so decide to have a quick bore out of the nasal cavities. Upon finding the green buried treasure, knowing full well eating it is taboo, they wipe it on the wall. Do you know how I know this? Well that would be because I have done it once. Not something I'm proud of but it was convenient & it was a shitload better than being glued to the end of my finger. It was one of those boogers that sticks. And you start to have a mild panic attack because it just won't get the fuck off the end of your finger no matter how hard you flick. So I wiped it on the wall. I know as some of you read this you will be laughing because you have done this. I AM NOT ALONE!
8: Jersey Shore. I don't watch a lot of TV, but I would be lying if I said I didn't like a bit of reality TV. I LOVE Jersey Shore. Mainly from a comedy aspect. These guido's & guidettes crack my shit up hard. Nothing pleases me more than watching other people make complete cocks of themselves. Snooki is a complete munter. I hated J-wow in the beginning. She would be someone I would probably fist fight with. However she has earnt my respect in the previous 2 seasons. She has a little bit of self respect (except for her hidous tit flashing dresses) & she doesn't bone anything with a dick. The Situation is a greasy little dickhole. And I love Pauly & Vinny. The rest of them are not even worth remembering.
|The gun & sword show.|
10:Farting on the treadmill. I know I've talked about this before but I still do it. I can't help it. Especially on Mondays when I've had 2 days away from the gym. My intestines go on high alert & start excreting the little bubbles of sulphur death gas. I'm like a silent killer baff machine.
11: Pubic Hair. Could someone please explain to me what the point of having pubic hair is. Because I just don't think there is one. That was a rhetorical question. Because I learnt last night, from the my wise husband, the scientific reason why we men & woman of the universe are plagued with the pubes. It is so when we bang fanny's, we don't chafe each other. Apparently pubic hair is designed specifically so that it creates a sliding surface for pubic mounds to grind on each other without creating friction when humping. From experience, friction is not a fun time. So next time you get mad at your overgrown vag bush, give it a little snaps for the great job it does.
Last chance to enter this weeks draw to win Jesse J's debut album, 'Who You Are' & an ice tray that makes hand gun shaped ice cubes. Check out Wednesday's blog post HERE, become a follower of this blog & make a comment on that post & you will be in the draw to win. Closes 12am Sunday 12th June GMT.
Peace & love from your favourite mad be-atch!!