Monday, June 13, 2011

My nose twin. Bear Grylls.

 Do you remember the episode on Friends when Joey found his hand twin at the casino?

Well I have an announcement to make, I have found my nose twin.

On Friday, whilst browsing through the new release autobiography's at my local book store, I came across 'Mud, Sweat & Tears' by Mr 'pee on my t-shirt & wear it as a do-rag & mmmmm insects/decomposing animals taste awesome' Bear Grylls. The front cover of his book looks like this.

Bear is the man. He's my butt chin'd jungle warrior. He packs heat with HIS FISTS. And he is the owner of the biggest pair of ball bags on this planet. Even when he's had to shit in the rocky mountains with the wolves, eat giant bugs for protein, drink his own wee wee & live in the same undies for 5 days, I'd still attempt to lick his face if I met him in person. There's just something about a dude that will get inside the carcass of a rotting beast for a snuggy nights kip that gets MY inner lady beast roaring.

Please observe his nose.

You will notice, now that I have so kindly pointed it out, that his nose looks like someone has running fuck kicked it from the right hand side & bent it like banana.

Rumour has it that Bear Grylls had a head butting competition with an angry Russian Brown Bear who was piss mad at him because he had stolen his name.

ANGRY BROWN BEAR: Bitch you ain't no bear *boof (headbutt)

Bear Grylls: You tell my mama that you fat hairy bastard. I fell out of a plane & smashed my spine. I am AWESOME!! *boof

ANGRY BROWN BEAR: Bet I can shred your face up with my razor sharp bear claws *boof

BG: I will get inside you & wear you like a costume *boof

ANGRY BROWN BEAR: Well I will hug you so hard you will shit out your finger tips *boof

BG: 'You can't touch this' *starts MC Hammer dancing

ANGRY BROWN BEAR: *punches Bear Grylls in the right side of his nose for being a dick. MC Hammer is so 15 years ago. Even Russian Brown Bears in ass end of nowhere know that!! Jeeze, get some new material bro-ski!!

Bear Grylls could possibly deny that event actually happened but it's probably way better than the real story.

Please observe my nose.......

Until I point it out, most people would never notice. A few years ago I discovered that I have a munted nose.It's not as extremely bent as Bear's but you can see more of one nostril than the other, and there is a definite  curve to the right.

I was so excited I found my nose twin that I stood by his book display holding the book up beside my face trying to show any one that walked past me how fucking elated I was. I tried to get Blake to take a photo of my twin & I together but he had bolted. I found him hiding in the car. I embarrass him in public sometimes. Just quietly, I think it's good for his self esteem.

I've been weighing up the options & I'm considering writing a letter to Bear Grylls to see if he's interested in making a movie with me. It won't be a musical though, because we all know how I feel about them. And if he expects me to to throw my ass out of a plane, commando roll down mountain sides, yom on maggoty beaver turds, & smear raccoon guts all over my face so I don't get molested by the sun, he has another thing coming.

On second thought, I'm happy to continue our twin nose relationship from afar.

Or with the photo on the front of his book that I bought when Blake wasn't looking yesterday morning.

I've just about licked my way through the first chapter.

If anyone wants to read it after me (I'm like the book Jesus), you are more than welcome.
However, I  must point out that the picture on the front cover is a bit soggy from all the pashing.


  1. I think it would have gone exactly like that the more I think about it now....and I feel that the Cant touch this dance would have been hawt. I HEART bear even if he drinks urine....

  2. ISN'T HE AMAZING?! I mean, good god. I cried when I found out he was married with kids. When he needs to dry off after an icy swim, he strips down to his British flag boxer shorts and I just go mental. Nose buddy or not, if he asked me to jump out of a plane with him, I'D be out in the wilderness having dirty raunchy camp-sex with him and YOU'd be at hme, cussing me out in your blog! LOL LOL! We should start Bear Grylls jokes, akin to all those Chuck Norris jokes.

  3. Oh my God, only you would come up with something like this. Love it!!

    Btw,I am so glad you referenced him turning a sheep into a sleeping bag. I saw that episode and I've never quite recovered. He is f#$%ing CRAZY!


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