Dear Handbag.

Dear Handbag,

I've been going over & over in my head the best way to approach this for some time now, & seeing as we're quite close, I thought it be proper to write you a letter.

There a few things I need to get of my chest.

First of all YOU FUCK ME OFF. If you steal my cellphone one more time I am going to set you on fire.Using up all my calling credit by phoning my friends & not actually speaking to them will not be tolerated.

Please stop using my spensive MAC lipstick then leaving the lid off. It gets all types of shit stuck in it, including sand which I find random considering I haven't been to the beach in yonks. I'm not fond of smearing my lips with bag crumbs, sand & tobacco, which also troubles me because I thought we gave up smoking together 2 years ago?? Is there something you're not telling me?

 

Same goes for my chapstick. My lips have shrivelled up like the ring end of a dog this week & I am totally blaming you.

You also know that I am trying to lose weight so I would appreciate if you didn't keep chips hidden for me to snack on when I'm working. That's called sabotage you motherfucker!

My ipod screen does not like being scratched to buggery with my keys either. I know you get mad at me sometimes but vandalising my possessions is not the way. While we are touching on the subject of my ipod & keys.......STOP BLOODY HIDING THEM FROM ME! It's not even a little bit funny. When I am in a hurry & have to pretty much dig to china to find my shit, it makes me rage. What's your game lady?

I still haven't forgotten the time you made me tip everything out onto the floor of the frozen foods section at the supermarket just to find my cellphone. I looked like an escaped mental patient! You knew I'd had the most shit day in the history of the universe yet proceeded to push me towards a complete meltdown.
Quite frankly I find your uncaring attitude less than satisfactory.

Although I find you extremely attractive, I am entirely devoted & in love with my husband. I find it kinda creepy that you feel the need to always be in my bedroom. Lets get one thing clear, you can not join in. I don't like sharing, neither does he, get it in your head that I will never love you like I love him. He does things for me that you never can.

Lastly I would like to make it very clear that I do have other options. Regardless of the fact that you are by far the prettiest, I do have others just like you, ready to step up to the plate & replace your ass. You would think that because I take you out all the time to be admired by others you'd be a little bit more obliging of my employment.

Love,

Becky

P.S Tell your hoe bag twin sister if she goes out with any of my friends I will fucking cap her.