Monday, June 6, 2011

Dear Handbag.

Dear Handbag,

I've been going over & over in my head the best way to approach this for some time now, & seeing as we're quite close, I thought it be proper to write you a letter.

There a few things I need to get of my chest.

First of all YOU FUCK ME OFF. If you steal my cellphone one more time I am going to set you on fire.Using up all my calling credit by phoning my friends & not actually speaking to them will not be tolerated.

Please stop using my spensive MAC lipstick then leaving the lid off. It gets all types of shit stuck in it, including sand which I find random considering I haven't been to the beach in yonks. I'm not fond of smearing my lips with bag crumbs, sand & tobacco, which also troubles me because I thought we gave up smoking together 2 years ago?? Is there something you're not telling me?

Same goes for my chapstick. My lips have shrivelled up like the ring end of a dog this week & I am totally blaming you.

You also know that I am trying to lose weight so I would appreciate if you didn't keep chips hidden for me to snack on when I'm working. That's called sabotage you motherfucker!

My ipod screen does not like being scratched to buggery with my keys either. I know you get mad at me sometimes but vandalising my possessions is not the way. While we are touching on the subject of my ipod & keys.......STOP BLOODY HIDING THEM FROM ME! It's not even a little bit funny. When I am in a hurry & have to pretty much dig to china to find my shit, it makes me rage. What's your game lady?

I still haven't forgotten the time you made me tip everything out onto the floor of the frozen foods section at the supermarket just to find my cellphone. I looked like an escaped mental patient! You knew I'd had the most shit day in the history of the universe yet proceeded to push me towards a complete meltdown.
Quite frankly I find your uncaring attitude less than satisfactory.

Although I find you extremely attractive, I am entirely devoted & in love with my husband. I find it kinda creepy that you feel the need to always be in my bedroom. Lets get one thing clear, you can not join in. I don't like sharing, neither does he, get it in your head that I will never love you like I love him. He does things for me that you never can.

Lastly I would like to make it very clear that I do have other options. Regardless of the fact that you are by far the prettiest, I do have others just like you, ready to step up to the plate & replace your ass. You would think that because I take you out all the time to be admired by others you'd be a little bit more obliging of my employment.

Love,

Becky

P.S Tell your hoe bag twin sister if she goes out with any of my friends I will fucking cap her.


7 comments:

  1. Oh it's moments like this that "it's good to be a guy"

    My comment to the women of this world, don't complain about loosing stuff in your handbag when most of your handbags are about the size of a small country and you could smuggle a surf board through customs (full with large amounts of crack or not) and the officers still could find your cell phone let alone those apple sniffing mutt blasters.

    I will admit that what ever trans-gender New York emo designs your clothes doesn't put pockets in your pants so you can't carry said items around with you, in saying that if you beautiful ladies didn't go out with the french legion's 3month tour of duty carry case I would have anyone to carry my shit around :-)

    Love your blog your rock! You should make your tag line "Laugh with Becky in the morning, it's better than sex or coffee"

    Grant

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  2. My purse is guilty of the same shit! I end up tipping it out on the passenger while negotiating traffic, searching for that lost treasure AT LEAST once a week. Ever had the melted chocolate candies smeared around in there? Licking choc off phone while standing in the grocery line...

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  3. Sounds like you need a purse butler. That should help keep her in line. :)

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  4. If you buy a purse butler, I will personally fly down to Nelson and kick your fucking ass.

    My purse is an actual suitcase that I just glued a strap to, or at least that's what Dan says.

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  5. @Bonnie - I would kick my own ass & I have know idea what a purse butler is?

    @Bettyzade - I would lick chocolate off anything.

    @Grant - You have a man bag. I have seen it.

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  6. I found "Clackers"! HERE in the States! I walked into a new grocery store and was, like, OH NO! CLACKERS! I immediately thought of you.

    Yea...they suck. Luckily, the ones here are a lot wider than the ones down there. Yikes!

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  7. @chubby - I am so happy we aren't the only country in the world to have them. I hope they didn't try to bite you in the ass.

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