Q & A session with Dr Becky: the Google diagnosing Queen of Awesome.

Dear Dr Becky,
My husband is a good man. He likes collecting butterfly's & playing LegoWars on PlayStation. He also likes to feed me. Burgers, Pizza, K-fry, if it has a high fat content, he will attempt to ram it in my cake hole. Since we have been married I have put on 357lbs. And we only got married last year in March. Basically I have become one huge bitch. I need a bookmark to find my necklace & constantly smell like 'off' salmon. I can't help but feel as though he finds me attractive this way & I do whatever I can to please him. The other day he asked to roll me in flour so he could find my wet spot? Is this normal behaviour?
Mrs C. Sanders 
Dear Mrs Sanders,
Google says suffocate him. I won't tell anyone. He is a douche & totally deserves it. Get your ass out of your house (call the fire brigade if you have to. They will chop you out. I saw that once on TV) & shed that shit off girl. If you find the local town children staring at you through the windows of your own home like you're a carnival sideshow while you are being fed 3, foot long subs in succession, by a disgusting little greasy fingered husband with a hard on, THINGS NEED TO CHANGE. If you don't do this, you will probably die & dying aint fun. Not that I know this first hand but I'm assuming it's pretty shitty. Life is great, smell the flowers, roll in the meadow, pet some kittens, you want to stay on this earth for as long as you can. Preferably without people trying to use you as a form of shade when you are chillax at the beach.
Yours Faithfully,
Dr Becky.

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Dear Dr B,

My son keeps taking his nappy off & smearing shit all over the place like he's trying to redecorate my house. I've tried taping is nappy on with duct tape but he chews through it like a rat. He has teeth like baby shark. Please help me, I don't know what to do anymore. My house smells like a mud factory.

Mrs Shit House

Dear Mrs Shit House, (LOVE your name btw)

Send him back & ask for a new one. Or build him a little house outside. He can live with the dog (yes I am assuming you have one). That way when you poop scoop the doggie doo doo you can do your kids poop at the same time. 2 birds, 1 stone. Easy peasy. If he wants to act like an animal, let him free in to the wild. He may come back smelling like a mouldy asshole, but he will come back. He is a man. They always come home when they get hungry.

Yours Faithfully

Dr B

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Dear Doctor,

I have a huge growth coming out of the right side of my head. Is this serious & should I be worried about it?

Anonymous

Dear Mr Bung Head,

Don't be alarmed. This is just your Siamese twin manifesting itself after years of  being in the shadows of your giant noggin. Unless it grows teeth & starts biting you, I wouldn't be concerned at all. Get out there & reap the rewards of being a little bit freaky. If anyone asks to touch it, make sure they wash their hands first. These little Siamese guys have terrible immune systems & trust me you DO NOT want this kid getting a head cold. 

P.S If Dr Phil wants in on this, tell him to bugger off. That baldy fuck doesn't know anything.

Yours faithfully

Dr Becky 

 

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Dear Dr Becky,

I have a wart growing on the end of my index finger on my right hand. I've tried everything to get it off but nothing seems to work. It's causing me problems in my romantic life. I am a single man & finger fungus seems to put the ladies off. Please help, it's ruining my life.

Thanks in advance

Finger Guy

Dear Finger Guy,

Shoot it. Buy a gun & shoot it off. I promise it will work. You will lose your entire right hand in the process, it will hurt more than paper cuts on your scrotum, but my man I gotta tell ya, the ladies love a cripple. Especially a cripple that doesn't have finger fungus. Please make sure you have an up to date gun licence as you may be arrested. And for the love of Christ, Buddha & those funny Harekrishna's, do it outside. Your Mama will be pissed if she comes home from work to discover hand meat splattered all over the kitchen floor.  

Yours faithfully,

Dr Becky

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Dear Doctor Becky

I have can't stop eating chalk. I wait behind after school & sneak in the classroom once the teacher has left & steal boxes of chalk from the storeroom. What's wrong with me & can eating chalk hurt me?

Chalky Chalkster

Dear Chalky Chalkster,

What is wrong with you child? Why would you do that?That's some major crazy right there sunshine. Regardless of that fact, chalk won't hurt you & it will be something you will grow out of. How do I know this you ask, well first of all Google told me & also I was a chalk muncher when I was young too. Although I never stole it. I hid in the storeroom with a boy called Steven & we ate chalk together. We were meant to be 'tidying' the storeroom. A little bit of advice though, if you eat it at school, make sure you wipe your face afterwards. You don't want to find yourself sitting in the principals office being asked if you spent your lunchtime bobbing for apples in a pile of cocaine.  

Yours faithfully,

Dr B 

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Hi Dr Becky,

I think my next door neighbour secretly wants to have sexual intercourse with me? She keeps getting dressed with her curtains slightly ajar & answers the door in her dressing gown & pink bunny slippers. She also smiles at me all the time, although I'm not quite sure, I may be reading her all wrong? I'm really rather taken with this beautiful lady. Her skin looks so soft. I would look really good inside her skin.

Mr lover lover.

Dear Mr Lover Lover?

Ding dong! Crazy is up in the house! I'm sorry Hannibal Lector but I can't help you. First of all 'getting dressed with her curtains slightly ajar' is a little bit different from 'standing outside her house with your face squashed up to her bedroom window' which is what you actually meant. I read between lines psycho. Secondly,while your brain still functions somewhat normally please move far far away from civilisation & take up a hobby. Like cooking. Cook your fucking ass off. And I don't mean literally.

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Dr B,

I'm really embarrassed writing to you but I'm desperate for some advice. I like to masturbate while watching Shark documentaries on the National Geographic channel. I find sharks so arousing & I just can't control myself. My girlfriend wanted me to take her to Sea World when we were visiting the Gold Coast last year but I couldn't do it. I was too scared I would spaz in my pants when I saw the sharks. Please help.

Shark Boy

Dear Shark Boy,

The world we live in is full of weirdos & some of us find ourselves in situations where we become aroused by strange objects or marine life. Like trees, picnic tables, street lamps, sea crustacea.....the list could go on & on. Me personally I'm straight up into dick, but hey, I'm a pretty normal lady. Go out explore the world. Forget about the sharks. They will never love you like a lady can. Long term the shark/man relationship would never work out. You can't breathe underwater & a shark would eat the shit out of you. Forget them. move on to the fannys. Fannys rule.

 

Disclaimer: I am obviously not a doctor. Please don't do any of these things I have suggested. It is all fictitious & made up for the purpose of making my blog followers laugh like bitches. However, if you would like to know how to cure dandruff the old fashioned way or some more doctorly advice, go see Rachael @ Oh, Rachael. She isn't a doctor either but her advice it still awesome. 

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