Monday, June 27, 2011

The Anal Leakage Noodle Club

The first time I ever tried instant noodles, I thought I had suddenly discovered all of life's answers, at the age of 9. My sister & I thought they were the fricking shit bomb & demanded that they be part of whatever mum dished up for dinner every night. Actually if there wasn't any noodles involved, we screamed our fucking heads off. I was so high on a cloud of noodle infatuation that if my mum had of told me to run down the main street my knickers on my head I would have done it. Noodles were like crack to me. And I couldn't get enough.

image stolen from here

We were a meat & 3 veg family. My Dad would chuck the mother of all shit fits if mum tried to get a little jazzy with her cooking & make something different. He liked routine. And due to his somewhat racist nature, Pasta, Rice, Pizza or anything that originated from another foreign nation was out of the question. He didn't get no noodles. Which pleased my sister & I stupid because it meant we got more.

When I was a kid, I used to have a ranking system when it came to dinner. I used to rank everything on my plate from shit house to awesome. I way over thought things. First to go was usually cabbage. I hated that shit. Still do. It's like eating swamp weed that has a distinct odour of fart. I used to cry for Charlie Bucket on Charlie & the Chocolate Factory. His family had to eat cabbage soup because they were so poor. This upset me so. Then they got given Willy Wonka's factory at the end of the movie. Chocolate & candy for life yo! Fucking awesome! My youthful faith in the karmic realm was restored. HUZZAH!!

image stolen from here
Tip for anti-cabbage eaters: After plenty of years of practice I've found holding my nose when I eat it the least painful way of cabbage consumage. Or throw it on the floor under the table & say it slipped off your plate. This tip also helps if you have a small house dog that will eat anything. Even cabbage.

Next I'd eat the rest of the veg. Then the hunk of animal flesh. Once I'd demolished all of that I was left with my small portion of noodles. I would treasure each thread of deep fried, MSG covered noodle like it was made from the hairs of an angel . The nightly noodle eating was a sacred time for my sister & I. This was only time I was silent for longer than 2 minutes. Unless Mum hadn't dished out even portions. Then there would be much shouting & thumping. And possible death. I loved noodles that hard.

When I moved out of home, I always had noodles in the cupboard. Quick, easy & didn't involve any sort of  high maintenance cookery that may potentially burn my flat down when shit faced. At uni I also lived on noodles. And cigarettes. My cigarette addiction meant I couldn't afford to eat actual food so I just ate noodles. Sadly for noodles, fags moved up to number 1 on the list of important things in Becky's life. They had become a nothing to me except a basic survival requirement.

Now as a grown up married women I can't eat noodles anymore even if I wanted to. Mainly because within half an hour of consuming said noodles, I get the screaming shits. AKA noodle shits. Gone is the stone hard gut of my youth to be replaced but the sensitive easily angered stomach of an old lady. But you know what, even I could eat them I wouldn't. Noodles are bad. They have no nutritional value at all, are filled with so many additives & preservatives that your children will foam at the mouth while bouncing off the ceiling and they are deep fried. BAD BAD BAD noodles!!

I bet you didn't know that there is such a thing as the World Instant Noodle Association or WINA. I shit you not.

First of all, who the fuck comes up with this shitflappery? Well friends, I can answer this question. He is a little old man, that looks like Mr Miagi from Karate Kid if he didn't have hair, & his name is Momofuku Ando from Japan. He invented instant noodles.

He felt so strongly about his instant noodle plight that he made up a club (please see above). His posse visit ghetto's around the earth, building houses & giving out instant noodles to malnourished & underprivileged children. They also have an Instant Noodle Association annual summit where all the instant noodle big wigs from around the world (no jokes, there are heaps) get together & discuss such issues as the unrest in he middle east, AIDS, obese children & world hunger. The irony splits my shit sideways.

WINA's number one business goal is to provide information by way of improving the quality and the safety of instant noodles. Just in case your noodles go feral & try to eat your face off. And their logo above apparently symbolises the coming together of the oceans & noodles? I don't know about ya'll but I ain't never been swimming in an ocean of noodles?

One aspect WINA prides itself on is being able to help out in a crisis. They were responsible for delving out thousands of packets of instant noodles to the folk in Japan who lost everything in the earthquake back in  March. Nothing soothes the ache of losing all your possessions & the death of thousands like a packet of anal leakage noodles. Especially when there's no power. You fucktards. Thanks WINA. You rule.



  1. The beef ones were my absolute fav.....I too would eat these like I was addicted to crack. Sadly they are not healthy for you and the sodium content is sooo high I might as well just eat a salt lick.

    I feel for your ass issues, I too have things that trigger my monster. We are getting old darling and those as some of the shitty (hahahaha) issues that we have to face.

  2. www.addictedtoteenmomonmtv.comJune 27, 2011 at 11:05 AM

    I have never been a noodle fan....I dunno why...Dave used to eat them like they were going out of fashion. Ma Lish was always on the anti noodle bandwagon!! She knows all about Noodles and their badness and whenever a noodle orientated convo comes about I almost 100% sure she would chip in with her bad noodle speech...

  3. What an acronym. Wow.

    I can't believe I used to eat those ramen noodles either. I could eat 3 packs a day -- in highschool -- and nothing else.

    Yep, I have old lady gut now too. MSG is NOT my friend.

  4. I don't recall ever eating 2 minute noodles, but Kieran lived on the stuff and I remember Paris being just as addicted!
    Weird noodle tip of the day, Nigel can't cook 2 minute noodles in the microwave, he has to cook them on the oven...seriously? noodles.water.2 minutes.start??!!

  5. Dude, I LIVED on instant noodles in college. Probably like everybody else. My roommate was too lazy to cook them, so he just ate them right out of the package. They ARE good on salad, but cooked or not they do give you the shits. I would be afraid to go near that now. Too much beer germs wandering around my digestive tract to have anything even close to pr

  6. You are of course right about those hideous noodles but I must advise your readers against the feeding of cabbage to dogs. It has been my experience that cabbage transforms into farts of death within the canine digestive tract and the only thing worse than cabbage is cauliflower. Just sayin.


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