Q & A with Dr B: Serial Vag Puncher & Anti Instant Noodle Campaigner

Due to the popularity of the last Q&A with Dr Bex post, my inbox has been overflowing with a wealth of troubled questions. Without further ado, here is part deux. Because you asked for it x

Dear Dr B,

At the end of the day when I take my knickers off, I can't help but notice the distinct cabbagey odour in my underwear? Do I have some sort of infection?

Miss Smelly Cat

Dear Miss Smelly Cat,

Girlfriend, you need to get your beave checked out. Any smell resembling 'off' fish, household cleaning products or rotten produce needs to investigated. Also it may help if you stop rooting vegetables. Now I know you will be reading this & thinking out loud 'fuck off I do not do that Dr B', but Smelly Cat, I am a pretend Doctor. I know things about things you know nothing about. It's fact. What scares me even more is that your vegetable hump of choice is a cabbage?? Logistically I don't even know how that's possible but vagina's are mystical magical creatures so nothing surprises me anymore. If your GP gives you the all clear I suggest you relocate to Bangkok stat. You could make a killing with your cabbage fanny show.

Yours faithfully, Dr B

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Dear Dr Bex,

My husband has a serious bout of man flu. I want to run away & hide so I don't have to listen to his constant snorting, sniffing & hacking phlegm cough. Either that or I stab him. Do you have any suggestions on how to help him recover from his man flu faster?

Mrs Stabby Stabberson.

Dear Mrs S.S,

Stab him. The end.

Your faithfully, Dr B

P.S Follow this strict instruction & you can't go wrong.

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Dr B,

My boyfriend likes me to get dressed up like a shark when we have sex. Now I kinda understand the naughty nurse/police lady fetish but this shark bullshit is whacko. The sad thing is I really love him & will do whatever I can to keep him happy. I feel like an idiot & am really not in to this. Do I tell him & risk hurting him or carry on suffering in silence?

Thanks, Miss Jaws.

Dear Miss Jaws,

As the wise bogan metallers Iron Maiden once sang 'Run to the Hills, Run for your Life'. You don't want to be a part of this freak show. There ain't nothing good about flapping around under your lover boy dressed like an angry fish. We have to take a step back & look at the big picture here. The resounding solution is get the fuck out now. Next thing you know he'll be wanting to take a dump on your face. There are no boundary's to that kind of crazy. Besides, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Sorry I had to say it.

P.S Your Shark Boy wrote to me last week. I can tell you this because Dr B doesn't do 'confidentiality'. He said he had a problem. I gave him most excellent & wise council. He didn't take any of it. Leave his ass.

Yours Faithfully, Dr B.

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Dear Dr B,
I got yelled at by an angry fat lady on the Exercycle at the gym yesterday. She called me a dick & kept pointing at my legs. When I got home I locked myself in my room & cried myself to sleep. Whats wrong with my legs?
Miss K

Dear Miss K

That fat lady was me, Dr B. I had to control myself from jumping off that bike & kicking you in the slats. Just to clarify & restore your wilted ego young one, your legs are fine. Although I feel the need to advise you that unless you are going to a My Chemical Romance concert at City Fitness you don't need to wear skinny jeans on the treadmill!! You will have all sorts of nasty vag/yeast complications. Vagina's weren't designed for having the life sucked out of them by snuggy black denim. You need to let that shit breath. That is Vag Care 101 girlfriend. Second of all, don't cry. Crying is for pussies. Pussie Emo's that wear skinny jeans on the treadmill.

Yours faithfully, Dr B

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Dear Dr B,

My 89 year old Granddad has recently moved in to an elderly residential village. My nan died a few years ago & we just don't have time to keep a constant watch on him 24/7. Anyway last week when I went to visit him I found him in the toilet attempting to wipe his ass with his cat Blackie. We had to have the cat put down as he got a terrible case of pink eye due to the exposure to faecel matter. He is now insisting we get him another cat. How do I deal with this situation?

Thanks, Mr & Mrs ShittyKitty

Dear Mr & Mrs,

I'm sorry but I just laughed my ass right off. You Grandad sounds like a right goer. Plus I bloody hate cats.

Let the old guy have his pussy. If he wants to wipe his ass on a cat, let him. In fact buy him a whole bunch of cats.The fact he can shit unaided at 89 is a miracle. He has been around the block more times than you & your husband put together. He know's a thing or two about life. Embrace the mental. Old people rule.

Yours faithfully, Dr B.

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Dear Dr Bex,

I have man boobs. Can you please recommend a good plastic surgeon. I am tired of living my life like this. Please see photo enclosed.

P.S. You are so much better than Jesus.

Mr Tits

Dear Mr Tits,

I have no words. Those are the hugest bitch tits I have ever seen in my life. Like seriously dude, you could make a whole other person out of those bad boys. Anyway you wanted answers so here goes......start taking some lactating hormone drugs, move to africa & nurse you some starving babies. This is your right of passage. You were blessed with uber jubs to help the hungry & less fortunate. Go forth my child. You will be the king of humanitarian relief. Those celebrity serial adopters aint got nothing on you. It would be rude not to share your mams of wealth with the universe.

Yours faithfully, Dr B.

P.S Should I be concerned that you seem to be wearing a Little Black Dress in your photo?

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Dear Dr B,
My neighbour seems to have a cussing problem. I am convinced he has Tourette's. Whenever he is out doing odd jobs around his back yard he seems to be constantly yelling out expletives. While I am no straight laced woman & have been known to curse on occasion myself, I don't feel it right that my children be exposed to this sort of madness. I am thinking of approaching the man but am scared he will whack me with his shovel & bury me in his backyard. Help?
Yours, Mrs Lickarsey.

Dear Mrs Lickarsey,

This neighbour you speak of is a prime example of someone 'letting the angry out'. It's called therapy & I have experienced first hand this kind of rage. Basically you can't fuck with it. If he holds it in he will explode & getting whacked with a shovel will be the least of your worries. Whatever you do, DO NOT ask him to tone it down. If you ignore my requests, you will open the black hole of rage. He will burn your house down. Guaranteed. You will have to move. I have attached some emotive visual imagery to hopefully scare you into moving.

Yours faithfully, Dr B.

Disclaimer: I am obviously not a doctor. Please don't do or try any of these things I have suggested.  

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