Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Q & A with Dr B: Serial Vag Puncher & Anti Instant Noodle Campaigner

Due to the popularity of the last Q&A with Dr Bex post, my inbox has been overflowing with a wealth of troubled questions. Without further ado, here is part deux. Because you asked for it x

Dear Dr B,
At the end of the day when I take my knickers off, I can't help but notice the distinct cabbagey odour in my underwear? Do I have some sort of infection?
Miss Smelly Cat
Dear Miss Smelly Cat,
Girlfriend, you need to get your beave checked out. Any smell resembling 'off' fish, household cleaning products or rotten produce needs to investigated. Also it may help if you stop rooting vegetables. Now I know you will be reading this & thinking out loud 'fuck off I do not do that Dr B', but Smelly Cat, I am a pretend Doctor. I know things about things you know nothing about. It's fact. What scares me even more is that your vegetable hump of choice is a cabbage?? Logistically I don't even know how that's possible but vagina's are mystical magical creatures so nothing surprises me anymore. If your GP gives you the all clear I suggest you relocate to Bangkok stat. You could make a killing with your cabbage fanny show.
Yours faithfully, Dr B

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Dear Dr Bex,
My husband has a serious bout of man flu. I want to run away & hide so I don't have to listen to his constant snorting, sniffing & hacking phlegm cough. Either that or I stab him. Do you have any suggestions on how to help him recover from his man flu faster?
Mrs Stabby Stabberson.
Dear Mrs S.S,
Stab him. The end.
Your faithfully, Dr B
P.S Follow this strict instruction & you can't go wrong.


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Dr B,
My boyfriend likes me to get dressed up like a shark when we have sex. Now I kinda understand the naughty nurse/police lady fetish but this shark bullshit is whacko. The sad thing is I really love him & will do whatever I can to keep him happy. I feel like an idiot & am really not in to this. Do I tell him & risk hurting him or carry on suffering in silence?
Thanks, Miss Jaws.
Dear Miss Jaws,
As the wise bogan metallers Iron Maiden once sang 'Run to the Hills, Run for your Life'. You don't want to be a part of this freak show. There ain't nothing good about flapping around under your lover boy dressed like an angry fish. We have to take a step back & look at the big picture here. The resounding solution is get the fuck out now. Next thing you know he'll be wanting to take a dump on your face. There are no boundary's to that kind of crazy. Besides, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Sorry I had to say it.
P.S Your Shark Boy wrote to me last week. I can tell you this because Dr B doesn't do 'confidentiality'. He said he had a problem. I gave him most excellent & wise council. He didn't take any of it. Leave his ass.
Yours Faithfully, Dr B.

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Dear Dr B,
I got yelled at by an angry fat lady on the Exercycle at the gym yesterday. She called me a dick & kept pointing at my legs. When I got home I locked myself in my room & cried myself to sleep. Whats wrong with my legs?
Miss K
Dear Miss K
That fat lady was me, Dr B. I had to control myself from jumping off that bike & kicking you in the slats. Just to clarify & restore your wilted ego young one, your legs are fine. Although I feel the need to advise you that unless you are going to a My Chemical Romance concert at City Fitness you don't need to wear skinny jeans on the treadmill!! You will have all sorts of nasty vag/yeast complications. Vagina's weren't designed for having the life sucked out of them by snuggy black denim. You need to let that shit breath. That is Vag Care 101 girlfriend. Second of all, don't cry. Crying is for pussies. Pussie Emo's that wear skinny jeans on the treadmill.
Yours faithfully, Dr B


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Dear Dr B,
My 89 year old Granddad has recently moved in to an elderly residential village. My nan died a few years ago & we just don't have time to keep a constant watch on him 24/7. Anyway last week when I went to visit him I found him in the toilet attempting to wipe his ass with his cat Blackie. We had to have the cat put down as he got a terrible case of pink eye due to the exposure to faecel matter. He is now insisting we get him another cat. How do I deal with this situation?
Thanks, Mr & Mrs ShittyKitty
Dear Mr & Mrs,
I'm sorry but I just laughed my ass right off. You Grandad sounds like a right goer. Plus I bloody hate cats.
Let the old guy have his pussy. If he wants to wipe his ass on a cat, let him. In fact buy him a whole bunch of cats.The fact he can shit unaided at 89 is a miracle. He has been around the block more times than you & your husband put together. He know's a thing or two about life. Embrace the mental. Old people rule.
Yours faithfully, Dr B.

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Dear Dr Bex,
I have man boobs. Can you please recommend a good plastic surgeon. I am tired of living my life like this. Please see photo enclosed.
P.S. You are so much better than Jesus.
Mr Tits
Dear Mr Tits,
I have no words. Those are the hugest bitch tits I have ever seen in my life. Like seriously dude, you could make a whole other person out of those bad boys. Anyway you wanted answers so here goes......start taking some lactating hormone drugs, move to africa & nurse you some starving babies. This is your right of passage. You were blessed with uber jubs to help the hungry & less fortunate. Go forth my child. You will be the king of humanitarian relief. Those celebrity serial adopters aint got nothing on you. It would be rude not to share your mams of wealth with the universe.
Yours faithfully, Dr B.
P.S Should I be concerned that you seem to be wearing a Little Black Dress in your photo?


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Dear Dr B,
My neighbour seems to have a cussing problem. I am convinced he has Tourette's. Whenever he is out doing odd jobs around his back yard he seems to be constantly yelling out expletives. While I am no straight laced woman & have been known to curse on occasion myself, I don't feel it right that my children be exposed to this sort of madness. I am thinking of approaching the man but am scared he will whack me with his shovel & bury me in his backyard. Help?
Yours, Mrs Lickarsey.
Dear Mrs Lickarsey,
This neighbour you speak of is a prime example of someone 'letting the angry out'. It's called therapy & I have experienced first hand this kind of rage. Basically you can't fuck with it. If he holds it in he will explode & getting whacked with a shovel will be the least of your worries. Whatever you do, DO NOT ask him to tone it down. If you ignore my requests, you will open the black hole of rage. He will burn your house down. Guaranteed. You will have to move. I have attached some emotive visual imagery to hopefully scare you into moving.
Yours faithfully, Dr B.


Disclaimer: I am obviously not a doctor. Please don't do or try any of these things I have suggested.  
What's the most embarrassing thing you have ever done? I pretty much get all my shit out there in my posts. Now it's your turn x

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13 comments:

  1. What happened to your becky facts i miss them!

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  2. awesome Bex. why dont i have the funny gene!!!!!
    H X

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  3. Much wise advice Dr Bex, I shall pass on to a couple of people I know who also experience these issues. I won't menton names. I also am way too proud to tell you most most embarrassing moments.

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  4. www.sharkmeupbaby.sharkylove.comJune 29, 2011 at 5:48 PM

    I would pay money to watch someone try and have sex in a shark suit that would be WAY funny!

    You have witnessed a few of my embarassing moments....

    Kx

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  5. Hahahaha BEX! You put a smile on my dile man! You are by far thee funniest biarch i know! P.s I finally figured out how to follow you on here lol. An embarrassing moment for me would probs have to of been when Kris told me i should color one front tooth in with black vivid. Just for shits and giggles, and to look like a pirate! And then a few of his mates came around and i couldnt get it off! Lookd like a complete KEAF! Nail polish remover finally took it off. I dont recomend that to anyone! Burns ya gums lol. xo

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  6. haha that is some funny shit lol. Most embarrassing moment? God way too many to tell. funniest I think is being a seriously fat teenager, at the gym and going to use the co-ed sauna. Walking in the door of the sauna my towel falls off. need I really say more. Shame (sigh)

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  7. Talking about someones stupidity at work then to find them sitting around the corner having heard it all:(

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  8. Hahahahahahhaaaaaa

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  9. Dammit, you didn't. Didn't see the captcha.

    Anyway, so I think you should leave the shark people alone. And think how good the shark must feel, assuming it's consenting.

    So a friend of mine is a therapist. She has a patient who cannot achieve release, or for that matter, get it up, unless he is wearing a full body bunny costume.

    Which wasn't necessarily a problem because he had a partner for about ten years, up until just recently.

    Apparently my town doesn't have a big enough fuzzy community for him to find a new girlfriend, hence the therapy.

    So she's got him down to the point now where he doesn't need the suit anymore. He just needs to be holding on to a stuffed bunny to be able to perform.

    She says sometimes it's so hard to not just burst out laughing. And then she wants to cry. She says she does a lot of lip biting and pretending to have a cold.

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  10. Awesome way to start my day. Thank you, Dr. B.

    Most embarrassing thing I've ever done: I got braids. Not a French braid. Not cute Swiss Miss braids. Like the "I think they look cool on Jamaicans, so why not me" braids. It lasted a week. Thank God!

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  11. Dear Dr. B: I am a fellow blogger and I have a doozy of a story to tell involving a big blue dildo in a hotel room. The problem is, mom reads my blog and I'm not sure if I'm ready to share those kinds of things with her yet. (Maybe when I'm 50). What should I do?
    snarkandire.blogspot.com

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  12. @Punkbaby - I forgot about those. Thanks for the reminder.

    @H - You are one the funniest bitches I know. When you are drunk x

    @Wildheart - Seriously they can't be any worse than mine?

    @Kye - Indeed I have. P.S Google shark sex

    @Keaf - Holla KEAF is here. I so remember when you did that!

    @Tash - Yeah I don't think I have ever given anyone a face full of fanny except Blake. That's pretty embarassing. In my eyes this just makes you more awesome.

    @emmarose82 - That's happened to me as well. More than once. So now I do a complete check of the premises before opening my trap.

    @Anonymous - Thank you for laughing.

    @Wagthedad - Jesus. A bunny suit? really? That doesn't make me feel so bad about insisting on Blake being dressed like Harry Potter & letting me 'play' with his 'magic stick'.P.S I think the comment monster is eating our questions. I wrote one on your post yesterday & it's gone?

    @Rachel - Rasta braids = FAIL (I still love you though). And they weigh similar to that of a small bovine. We have a lady in my city that has a massive head of them & she wears them piled up on top of her head. Apart from looking like a complete fuckwit, I feel for her cervical spine.

    @Bettyzade - Dildo! Dildo! Dildo! Share the story. Am pretty sure your mum doesn't read my blog. My mum doesn't even read my blog.

    @

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I love reading your comments. Comments are sexy.