Friday, July 1, 2011

Walking With Dinosaurs

I saw on the news the other night, a whole bunch of burly dudes carrying the robot dinosaurs into the Vector Arena loading dock, in preparation for the 'Walking With Dinosaurs' show. The giant robot reptiles were fucking huge, stiff & wrapped in pink sheets. This amused me some.

I spent the remainder of that evening laying around the house in various stiff poses with a blanket over myself demanding Blake guess what I was pretending to be. A robot dinosaur. After the first 2 times he didn't find it funny anymore while I lay under the blanket pissing myself. My impression of a robot Triceratops is awesome. At times, it takes me a bit longer than most to realise shit got not funny. It's my little bit of retardation.

Right from the get go, when I saw this Walking With Dinosaurs experience advertised on TV, I rubbished it. I recall yelling all sorts of fuckery at the TV. I have spent a lot of my life thus far doing exactly that. Blake says I'm too judgey but meh, what does he know. He goes on a nature walks & doesn't eat meat.

Anyway according to my wise home boy, Disco Stu, (that's Blake. He is having man-fro control issues. It's like living with a dude sized fur ball) this dinosaur shit has sold out pretty much everywhere in the world. The people have gone ape for it. Apparently it's great show to take the family to which I don't doubt for a second. However, most of the folk I've spoken to that took their children to see it said that their offspring cried their faces off in pure blind terror. This doesn't surprise me, especially when the ginormous puppet beasts with huge face-eating-off teeth get all up in their grill & roar in their faces. Fair play small humans. I would cry too.

Now me personally, I wouldn't go to this show. Because, & not surprising, I have a few issues with it all. Yep I am about to kill your dinosaur loving buzz.

Firstly, I developed severe robot trust issue after seeing Robocop, as you know, & iRobot. Hello, do you blame me. Anything with eyes can not be fucking trusted. End. Of. Story. This rule also applies to any large machinery, outside toilets & caves. They don't have eyes but have the potential to be just as just as deadly in the wrong situation. I'm am the queen of hazards. Put me in any situation & I will be able to point out at least 10 potential killer hazards. What can I say, it's a gift.

Secondly, what puzzles me more than anything, how do we actually know all this info about dinosaurs? I'm one of those people that needs evidence presented & debated before me, in order to believe something actually happened. Up until that point, everything is bullshit.

I was the annoying curious kid in class that asked the questions that none of the teachers could answer. Especially when it came to historic events & more specifially in religious instruction class. I was made to sit out in the hall because the old guy who used to come to our class once a week to teach us about Jesus just couldn't give me the answer I needed. Pardon me sir for my youthful wonder. I didn't mind sitting out in the corridor though. I got to eat my lunch before anyone else.

Now I'm not 100% certain, but Disco Stu says it's been well documented that no humans existed when reptiles ruled the earth. If humans indeed existed, & had brains, one would assume they would have stayed the fuck inside. Lets say no humans existed right, so what I want to know is, based on the findings of a some old bones, how do we suddenly get all this indepth knowledge about something no one has ever actually seen? Dinosaurs are more elusive than Jesus. Seriously.

These paleontologist folk know all the dinosaur names, their food source of choice, the ability to distinguish the difference between their uber shits, their distinctive mating calls, the texture of their leathery cold skin, how they hunted their prey, what they did in their down time ,how the king of the dino's has small pathetic baby hands, basically every little minor detail about their entire existence. Oh yeah & don't forget how they all got their shit fucked up by the ice age.

These people get paid to figure this stuff out for their job. This baffles me. Because unless they have access to the Tardis or Hot Tub Time Machine, how can they possibly know all  this?

No one was around to document the prehistoric age. Not even David Attenborough. And he's a pretty old fossil who knows more shit than humanly possible. Nor was Speilburg. Just quietly his Jurassic Park movies were epic. Well the first one was. I saw it 5 times. After that they all developed a severe case of suck. I don't do sequels. or prequels. or threequels.

So it shall forever remain mystery to me, all this dinosaur business. Quite sad for my unborn children really but oh well, there's plenty of other bullshit I can feed their tiny minds. Preferably something a little more man friendly, like fairies & I suppose, *sigh, talking animals.

The creators of Walking With Dinosaurs claim that this show is the closest you can get to the real thing. But who even knows what the real thing is? Also after the last shows in New Zealand, the dinosaurs are retiring. What are they going to do? Find employment elsewhere? Can you imagine a velociraptor hanging out the drive through window of KFC. Or the T-Rex stacking shelves at your local supermarket. For the love of jesus christ don't let those little reptile baby hands touch the wine merchandise.

Anyone out their in blog land been to Walking With Dinosaurs show? Did it fill you with giddy excitement & wonder of times past?



  1. Come on this would be so cool. You take your kids. It scares the crap out of them and then you spend the rest of your life telling them if they don't do what you say the big mean T-Rex or which ever frightened them more, will come and eat them.
    perfect parenting :D

  2. My friends are going to this. I am somewhat embarrassed on their behalf, they are grown adults, older than me. What is this show all about anyway, do you just go and watch robot dinosaurs walk around, I mean they can't talk what is there to see. This shit looks like the shit I wouldn't go to it even if it was free, and I defo wouldn't be taking my kids to it!

  3. I would have to be pumped full of tranquilizers to be dragged to a show like that. I hope for the love of all things holy that show does not make its way to Canada. You can imagine that my man would want to go.

    Interesting, and slightly related side note: my man brought home bones last night. Yep, fucking bones. Big giant ribs, a femur, and massive vertebrae. He found them at work. Oh, and some petrified wood. He laid it all out (on my clean counter) like a proud little 8 year old. Imagine my *amusement*.


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