Wednesday, July 6, 2011

How to not be a douche taxi passenger

I have spent the last 2 years of my life working in the office of a local cab company. None of the guys I work for are serial killers, not to my knowledge anyway. They are just a bunch of good buggers that are trying to make a buck in a society full of fuckwits.

And even though at times they make me so raging mad that Blake literally has to lock me in the house to prevent me from going on a mass arson mission & burning their houses down one by one, they are like my extended family. And I love them just a little bit.

I want all of you people out there who use taxis to know some the shit these guys have to put up with on a daily basis.

Uncontrollable Bodily Functions
If you think you may possibly not be able to contain the contents of your stomach from lurching out your gullet, DO NOT get in a fucking taxi. Blowing chunks inside a cab creates all sorts of shit for the driver.

That nice old man right there, he owns that car. It's his own personal property. Which he bought with his own money. And you just honked in it. Sometimes when he gets one day off after working a 70 hour week he takes his lovely old wife for a Sunday drive, preferably without eau de spew wafting around in his car.

That same nice old cab driver that wears his special health shop magnet bracelet around his wrist to prevent gout & his bones from shattering, well he has to take his vehicle off the road to clean up your vomit. This in turn causes him to lose a lot money.

And by the way, that sign on the inside of the cab that says $300 soiling fee, soiling means spew, piss, shit, alcohol, spray paint & tagger pen. Don't act all surprised when he expects you to cough up after you've redecorated the inside of his car with your carrots & corn gut paint.

Carrying Drunk People
If you have an annoying guy at your party who's blatant drunk man fuckery has pissed everyone off AND he is asleep outside your house like this chubby douche......

Or you have a girlfriend that looks like this.........


My guys, they totally care about their community. However, they aren't drunk retard chaperone's. If you have someone with you that's in this state, call a fucking ambulance.

I wrote a song, You can sing it to the tune of Ghostbusters.

When there's someone fucked, at your house par-tay
Who ya gonna call, NOT A TAXI
If your girlfriends honked, on your brand new couch
Who ya gonna call, NOT A TAXI
(keyboard solo) I aint afraid of no drunk
(keyboard solo) I aint afraid of no drunk

Some drunk ass dude, up in your shit
Who ya gonna call, NOT A TAXI
Some horny folk, humping in your bed
Who you gonna call, NOT A TAXI
(keyboard solo) I aint afraid of no drunk
(keyboard solo) I aint afraid of no drunk
Who you gonna call, NOT A TAXI
You want to get home, & you got no coin
Don't you EVER call, A FUCKING TAXI

Although I imagine you are thoroughly enjoying this, I can't go on because I forget how the rest even goes.

Not Having Any Money
I feel your pain. Seriously I do. But don't ring me up & give me the run down on the state of your finances or lack there of. Not the cab drivers problem. And unless you are being bum fucked by 20 aliens at the same time, while talking on the phone to me, I am not interested.

If you don't have money, don't order a taxi. There are 9 million African people starving because of a drought right now. If you have to walk 500metres to the shop to buy your daily can of coke & packet of chips, because you just can't afford a dam taxi, your life is pretty fucking rad right now. Deal with it.

This idea that taxi drivers are happy to give you a free ride at your discretion seems to be a huge misconception in my city. The short story is, if you can't pay, you don't get no ride homie. And neglecting to tell the cab driver this vital information until they kindly deliver you to your requested destination is worse than punching your Grandad in the scrotum.

I don't remember the last time I went out for dinner & upon departing the restaurant informed the maitre d that I couldn't afford to pay til Thursday cos I'm a bit skint right now. Do you know why, BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER FUCKING DONE THAT.

Same thing. Kinda. You get the idea.

Lost Property
Do you know what the amount of lost property I've had to deal with in the last 2 years tells me about the people of this world, they don't care about their shit at all. iphones, ipods, cameras, cellphones, wallets, sunglasses, shoes, a selection of skanky clothes, credit cards......I could open up my own second hand goods store.

I've never lost anything in a cab. Ever. Not one time.

Don't ring me on Monday asking me where your shit is. If I can't see it right in front of my face we don't have it. Call the police. Or someone else that gives a shit. Cos I ain't that guy.

Unprovoked Thumpings & Violence
Cab drivers are getting the snot beaten out of them, all for the sake of a few coins. It's bullshit. And makes me sad. People, specifically drunk young wankers, hurl abuse at them like it's a competition. Or even worse, stab them & leave them to die (this happened in Auckland last year).

Oh & a few weeks ago one of our drivers turned up to a party to pick some peeps up. Only to be greeted by a selection of glass bottles hurled through his windscreen. Nothing says welcome more than your shattered windscreen lying in your lap.

As of August 1st, it becomes law that all cabs in New Zealand must be fitted with security cameras. What next, cops carrying guns?

I love the Nana's. Seriously. I don't have any so I take all the Nana love I can get. It just so happens that 99% of the folk I speak to on the phone every single day is a Nana. And they crack my shit up hard.

Especially when they forget why they rung me.

Or when they've spoken to me on average 4 times a week for the past 2 years yet still feel the need to give me their full address, name & destination as though it's the very first time we've spoken.

Or the times they ring for a cab & the driver turns up to their home only to be met at the front door by naked grandad dick.

Or the time the cab driver has turned up & the Nana is dead. (true story)

Or the time that Nana had a brain fart mid journey & the driver had to drive Nana around the city for an hour because she had no idea who she was or where she was going or why she was in a taxi.

I love the Nana's. Seriously.

The next time you're in a cab, give the driver some snaps. Ask him about his day, & try not to lose your cellphone or shit your pants.

Do you know why I don't drive a taxi? Because I would straight up fucking stab people. All the time.

Anyone got a good cab story they want to share?

Righto then. This months Winner Wednesday prize pack features:

I am ramming some of my favourite CD's (yes I still buy them) down your necks.
I'm all about sharing the music love. But wait there's fucking more......

A little bit of NZ on a tea towel. Shame you gotta use it to dry the dishes with.
Oh & space invaders ice cube tray. Get some freaky in your drink.
And one more thing.......

127 Hours on DVD. The based on real life movie where a dude hacks his arm off with a pocket knife. Wicked. I haven't seen it but Blake says it's good.

Read the Terms & Conditions for Winner Wednesday HERE
You MUST be a follower of my blog on Blogspot & you can only have one entry per post you comment on.
Some of you have already unknowingly entered. Noice.



  1. OMG I loved reading this WHOLE entire post. It made me laugh. It brought me back, sorry to say, to when I called a cab and ditched it. I was about 13 with a best friend. We had the money but just wanted to be douchbags and make a memory. It was midnight and dead of winter. Once we both opened the door and ran, cabby running after us, I had to jump a barb wire fence that cut through my hands, at which then I fell on the ground and slid on the ice, cutting thru my jeans and causing my knee to bleed... I did make it out alive and away from the cabby, and the police, and to my friends house. I probably needed stitches but too scared to ask our parents for a ride we bandaged my knee for weeks LOL

  2. I did a very bad thing in a cab once.... And i am soooo shamed.

  3. I love "21" -- Adele's voice is remarkable.

    I think you need to record a video for that "Not a Taxi" song. Don't forget to put it on YouTube. For realz. :)

  4. remember that old programme from america taxi cab confessions, that shit was the bomb, also spell check just red wiggled me for not spelling America with a capital A, even red wiggle knows that america owns that shit

  5. Ewww, sounds like cab driving is as bad as being an emergency dept nurse - spew, poohs, weewee's, blood, dealing with lost hearing aides or dentures (gross gross GROSS!), random acts of 'thump your nurse 'cos they're only trying to help stop you from dying', oh, and lots of dying nana's. All in a day's work eh?

  6. I grew up in Mot where the taxi's don't work much so could tell you more stories about all the rides I got from drunk people instead cause sadly at 4 in the morning its the only option!

  7. There's no way I could put up with that shit. I would stab people and then piss in their eye for good measure.
    One of the times I thought I was going to die was in the back of a Korean taxi cab. That son of a bitch drove with two feet, had no concept of a "buffer zone" and was zinging us through a city full of other drivers with exactly the same handicaps. I stopped looking out the window at one point and kept my head down, waiting fatalistically for the CRASH I was sure was going to happen.

  8. As one of the Bexst*r's cabbies I would like to say - it's all true!!! And then some.

  9. LOL Bex you brighten my day!
    I do feel sorry for these poor taxi drivers but yup once or twice as a younge drunk teen i did a runner with a couple of mates after being dropd at our destination! Not really a good thing to do in a small town like Motueka. Espesh when the taxi driver knows your parents and comes knocking at their door asking for their money! eek

  10. Bex! Best ever, I truely LOL'D longtime! Rach xox

  11. I absolutely LOVE cab drivers!

    They may not like me but I do love them!
    That is what usually happens:

    I go to town, and get a slightly tipsy, then a bit more drunk...
    after a while all i want is to go home to bed! RIGHT NOW!
    so i stumble through the streets till i finally find a cab, tell them how happy i am to have found them and that i want to go home to bed.
    And i will tell them a few times how great they are and how happy they make me!
    The fare to my house from town is about $17.00 but they always get $20.00 off me :) Thats just HOW happy they make me :)

    MIRIAM :)

  12. OK, so people who give shit to cab drivers rank right up there with people who give shit to homeless people.

    Note that I am not saying cab drivers = homeless people.

    But fucking hell. Whenever I am so wasted I know I won't even remember the ride home the next day, I am on my BEST behavior because I need that motherfucker more than I have ever needed anyone in my life. To get me home in one piece.

    Barfing in the car is just something I don't understand. But the last time I barfed anywhere other than in a toilet was when I was nine and had some bad strawberry milk.

    Yech. Hurling bottles through a window? You know, I'm totally against the death penalty, but I say execute the motherfuckers. I hope I can say that Bex. Because there are some acts of idiocy that just go so way far beyond a violation of the rules of humanity that all I can think about is removing those individuals from society.


    Anyway, thanks for the insider post. Next time I see someone treating a taxi driver badly, you may read about it in the newspaper.

  13. I showed a cabbie my tit once for a free ride.....he asked and I was like sure.....baaaahahahahah.....I'm such a whore

    ADELE is my current fav and I listen to her at least once a day....her voice gives me tingles....but not in a lez sort of way

    You promised to rap for me one day but I will take that taxi song if you want to record it for me.....xoxoxo

  14. I am a taxi driver. And I love you.

    Funny taxi stories? I'm afraid that there just isn't enough room here to write them all. My facebook statuses involve my bus/taxi stories every day and are proving quite popular, and I get the odd friend request from people asking to be able to read them!

    Rest assured, I'm actually planning to write a book about them all as well... and I might have to tap you up for some input!!

  15. This was hilarious!! I just found your blog, and I have to say, it rocks my socks off! :)

    The one and only time I used a Taxi was when I was on vacay with my parents in Florida. I had a seizure in the middle of the night and the taxi was bringing me back to the hotel the next day. I'll be honest: I don't really remember most of the trip. What I do remember is that as soon as we got back to the hotel, I opened the door and threw up. Outside the car. Perhaps this is because he was so thankful that my projectile did not land in his car, but the driver was awesome and helped my mom practically carry me inside.

  16. I've surfed in a cab on the way down panorama drive once on the way to a wedding :) x

  17. Last year during our annual "Rape the Grape" wine tour (yeah, we're sick fruit rapists) one of my girlfriends called the local cab company from the bar for a ride. She went outside, drunk and disoriented, to wait. When the cab pulled up she got in. She was surprised that it was a minivan but okay with the fact that the rate would be low sharing with a variety of other party goers. She was very surprised the next day to hear the voicemail on her mobile from the taxi company advising her to never call them again because they do not take kindly to being stood up at the rendezvous point. Almost as surprised as when she got the call from her boyfriend telling her he got a call from some random people whose minivan she had climbed in at the bar and immediately passed out. :)

    Not often you find good people to call everyone on the cell phone in your pocket to find out where you live and how to get you home right?!

    I still worry about getting drunk with her in the event that I don't have the sense to use my phone. Because of her we have no one else to pick us up!

  18. This was the most enjoyable post to read in a long, long time. And next time I am drunk I just know the Ghostbuster/drunkass don't call a cab song is going to come out of my mouth.

  19. GUILTY
    Lost a cell in a cab in New York and rang up and asked of they had seen it!!! Please just shoot me NOW!!!

  20. This was majestic. May I add people who get freaky in the back of cabs? As thrilling as it may be for them, no cabbie worth his salt wants the vision of your pasty ass tub-thumping in his rearview mirror. No. . .just, no.

    PS: I N-E-E-D that muthafuckin ice tray, yo!


I love reading your comments. Comments are sexy.