Even if you don't think you need any of this advice, I have subconsciously tricked you into reading it anyway.
And If you don't use at least one bit of my advice before your time on earth is through, I will chop my own hand off & eat it. I'm that serious right now.
What do I do if a baby shits it's pants at my house?
If it's yours put it outside. If it's not yours put it outside but tell the kids parents what you are doing first. I have a cardboard box on my porch for such occasions. If it's lucky & it's grocery day, I might even throw it a packet of biscuits.
Fact is, small humans have no control over their bowel movements. It comes when it comes. If you are childless like me, & not familiar with the ways of kid crapping, make life easier for yourself by being prepared. If you are nicer than me, kit the shit box out with some sheep's wool & a portable DVD player.
This is a do I, don't I toss up. If there's only one toilet in the house & it's close to the kitchen/lounge room where everyone is currently gathered, hold that turtle head in. Clench your cheeks together like your life depended on it. The force alone will suck it back up into your body. You can not poo in someone's toilet if there's more than a 79% chance they will smell it. It's bad manners & they will never invite you back to their house again.
If your dinner invitees are flush & have more than one bathroom, locate the toilet furthest away from the action & lay that jackson down. Don't sit & read a magazine, or ponder world poverty issues, get in, get out, leave no traces behind. You are a ghost shitter. They can't ever know you did that in their house.
It's ok to poo at someone else's house if they are related to you. Doesn't matter if they have 1 toilet or 5, it's unwritten law that it's a free for all shitfest at casa de famillia. I always shit at my mums. I can't help it. I swear my sphincter just relaxes at her house because it knows if it needs to bust one out, it won't be judged.
What do I do if I have guests at my house & I need to shit?
In my little apartment (keep in mind I live at a motel) our bathroom is in a small room off our lounge. I have a no shit policy when we have guests. If you need to code brown while you have guests GO to the neighbours house, use a toilet outside of your residence (I use the spare guest toilet by the office) or use the baby stink cardboard box outside.
This is handy in winter because the poop freezes so you don't even need to touch it the next day when you discard it. Again, don't take forever, they will know what you've been doing & ultimately judge you for it. Automatic loss of cool points. In their heads you will forever be known as the guy that shits at dinner. Don't be that guy!
What do I do if I'm having dinner at someone's house & I find a pubic hair in lamb roast?
Hair won't kill you. Although if there's crabs attached to said pube, & that gets inside you, you will get internal crabs. They will eat you from the inside out until there's nothing left except a pile of bones. If you find scrot/vagiola hair in your food, pull it out & lay it on the table like a prized snapper. Make it known to all that you know they purposely tried to internally infest you with their std covered pubic hair.
Someone who lives in my house has a bush control problem. When he gets out of the shower he drys the shit out of his man cockery so hardout that his poor pubes have a shitshow in hell of staying attached. I spend most of my time at home with a vacuum cleaner attached to my hand. I am the pube hunter. I really wanted more for myself in this life, but hey, you do what you're good at. It seems this is my calling.
NB: You will never find any pubes in your food if you eat at my house. Possibly one or two stuck to the bottom of your socks? He scatters them around our house like magic fairy dust. Sometimes I miss one.
What if I'm in an important meeting & I sneeze fart?
Implement your acting skills. Imagine that if you laugh or acknowledge that that stink baff just came from your anus a thousand red ants will crawl out out the floor beneath you & eat you until your nothing but a bloody carcass laying on carpet. Scare the fear into yourself. Pretend it never happened. Carry on with your day.
If you flinch or show any sort of embarrassment, you will forever be known as the guy who shats his pants in the work meeting. Even though you didn't actually shit yourself. Work colleagues over exaggerate everything. Because they can.
What if I'm in an important meeting & my nose blows a mass of snot bubbles when I laugh?
This happened to me once at primary school. I was pretending to play the trumpet out my nose & play the mana mana, ba de be doobie song off the muppets to my boy crush Kent. The fury of my head cold broke loose out my nostrils & did an attempted mass exodus in the form of big green clanger snot bubbles. You know the ones that bungy jumps from your nose & the ultimate horror of what's happening causes you to suck it back up into your skull so fiercely that it rebounds into your brain. If this happens, there is only one thing you can do, laugh some more.
When you commit a personal shame crime, laugh it the fuck off. People will think you are awesome, a little bit grotty, but ultimately more awesome than grot. Because you laugh at yourself.
Secondly go blow your nose. There's obviously some stuff hiding up there that needs attending too.
I fell down 6 stairs off a stage at a gig once & skidded about 10 metres across a dance floor on my back. In a room of about 400 hundred people. I laughed so hard, I partially soiled my panties. I laughed for a good solid 2 hours & was still laughing when I got home. It was by the far, the funniest accidental embarrassing thing I have ever done. I wish all of you could have seen it.
What if my gay friend trys to kiss me?
You know I love the gays hard, but if you don't reciprocate their secret feelings of lust for you, set their face on fire with an aerosol deodorant & a cigarette lighter. People need to understand boundary's. Crossing them has serious consequences. In fact this applies to anyone you aren't attracted to that attempts to jump you. Burn them.
What if I need to vomit & I'm on the bus?
I saw my mum do this once when we were on holiday in the Goldcoast. She does that sometimes. She is so funny & she doesn't even know it. My sister & I nodded knowingly at each other & mouthed quietly 'it's the menopause'. For reasons that are beyond me she had a plastic bag inside her handbag. She buried her face inside her handbag & gagged her ring off. The girl sitting beside her wanted to melt into the floor & die but the bus was packed so she was kinda stuck beside the NZ lady vomiting into her handbag.
Carry a plastic bag inside your hand bag. Dudes, lop one in your back pocket. Plastic bags may suffocate marine wildlife but they are gold in a vom crisis. If you don't have a plastic bag here are some other convenient common places you can chunder in to in an emergency.
- storage compartment of you car door
- your hand
- empty tissue box
- empty coke can (this is tricky & requires absolute precision)
- a shoe
- a packet of chips
- the laundry basket (that shits getting washed anyway)
- on any animal. (not a dog though. They will eat it & make you sick again)
- the inside of a DVD cover
- a sock (preferably one with no holes)
What if I lock myself in a public toilet?
Spend an acceptable amount of time trying to kick the door down & hollering for help. If this doesn't work look above & see if your toilet cubicle is closed in or has walls you can climb. Never underestimate the strength of your own body in an emergency. I can climb toilet walls like spiderman if I have to. Most toilet cisterns can handle anything up to 250lbs of weight. If you are over that weight you will have to free fall from the top of the wall & potentially smash your pelvis. Broken bones can heel, unless you have osteoporosis.
If you are firmly locked in to your toilet stall & can't scale the walls, wrap yourself in toilet paper. You need to keep yourself as warm as possible. Getting hypothermia in a public bathroom will kill you. For situations such as this I always carry a snack pack in my lady bag as well. Mum always told me I shouldn't eat in the toilet, but this rule doesn't apply if you a bunkered down in one for the night.
What if I need to vomit & I'm in a taxi?
No one should ever try to use a plastic bag while drunk. It's a hazard. There is only one thing you can do if you feel like spewing while riding in a cab. Open the door & throw yourself out. I'm not gonna lie, it's going to hurt like fuck. Quite possibly the worst pain you have ever felt in your life if you haven't yet had the pleasure of having your vag torn to bits by a human baby. But it won't hurt as much as the $300 fine the cabbie will sting you with, or the ovary destroying punch to the box you will get from me if I find you. Remember, I am also a self employed taxi vigilante.
What if I'm at someone's house & I run out of toilet paper?
I always take my cellphone to the toilet when I'm out. Not only is toilet lightening great for facebook self portrait pics, but it will be your life line if you run out of toilet paper. I don't like poking around through people's cupboards so if I run short on the bog paper which happens to me a lot due to my high level of consumage, I send out an SOS text message to anyone in the house that can help me. I even have it templated into my phone.
How do I get rid of a My Little Pony tattoo without have it lazered off?
It seems unfair that people should hold this against you for a bad choice made in your days of less awesome. People make mistakes.You have 3 options.
Option 1: Take to the fucker with a pen & cover it with some of your own original art.
Option 2: Bandage it up & tell people it's an old wound that never heals & too grotesque for prying human eyes. When they ask what happened tell them you got bitten by a rabies monkey while fighting off a group of angry baboons that were trying to eat a small child in Southern Africa. Don't tell this lie to a doctor. Don't adapt the lie for the purpose of making the story more awesome. And NEVER take the bandage off.
Option 3: Chop your arm off.
I hope you enjoyed this weeks WWBD feature. I am going to try & make this a regular thing. But most probably not. I forget things a lot more than I used to. This may have something to do with the fact I am turning 32 next weekend. I feel like I completely lost my 20's? I don't remember any of it & may be slightly grieving right now.
If you want to send me some awesome birthday presents or a written testimony of your love for me, you can email me at email@example.com Your love letters make me weep.
P.S Winner Wednesday giveaway finishes on the 31st of this month. So keep on commenting & you could possibly win yourself some dope as shit. Remember if you comment on any of this months posts, you must also be a follower of my blog to win or it doesn't count. Scroll to the end of this blog for prize details.