My never ending bullshitisms for why I can't go to the gym today

Over the last couple of months I have come up with some ridic excuses of why I can't work out. Most weeks I make it to the gym 4-5 times. This week I have sucked. I blame the jager party on Saturday night for completely ripping my motivation from my warm bloody carcass.

My work out gym nazi husband finds my excuses hilarious, but most of the time annoying. He does give me snaps for my creativity though. Fucking ay.

Seriously, I am your go to guy for anti anything billboard signs.

1: "My stomach is eating me from the inside out. I am pretty sure this is what death feels like". (said whilst sprawled face down on our bed with my head buried in my pillows). Half an hour later I can be located in the kitchen eating crackers.

2: "I'm too sad today. I just want to go home & be sad in my pyjamas". This was a relevant & common excuse pre the day I discovered that I had actually been promoted. Now I have nothing. My life is good.

3: "I can't. My bleeder has arrived. I'm scared I may leak in public". This one ALWAYS works. My bleeder is more schizophrenic than Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind.

4: "Well we can either go to the gym or stay home & mate. Your choice". This one always works too. I am married to a younger man. The dick rules his life & he can't do anything about it. Nuff said.

5: "I may fart on the treadmill so much that a little poop will come out". My god there have been so many close calls. I swear I have some sort of anal malfunction. City Fitness, you need to move your toilets DOWNSTAIRS. No one should have to complete an obstacle course in the way of a thousand fricking stairs just to answer the call of nature.

6: "You can't make me go today because I may stab someone for real. I can't be trusted in public. You should probably lock the door now & go hide yourself in the bathroom". This works well if I am rocking back in forth in a fetal position on the bed. Rocking while lying down is not easy, just so you know. But if I am committed enough to my cause, I can do anything.

7: "The veloceraptor seagulls ate my gym shoes". After I witnessed Seagull Fight Club, nothing those crazy fuckers do anymore surprises me.

8: "I lost my swipe card. They won't let me in without it". This one worked until he found my keys on the dining room table that has my swipe card attached to them. Bugger it.

9: "Jesus came to me in my dreams & said I mustn't work out today because I need to have a study day to prepare myself mentally for the rapture". I think has been by far the most pathetic excuse. When I am desperate I can't control the messed up words that spew forth from my gullet.

10: "Bear Grylls said I shouldn't". Love you my nose twin! Bear is the man. I can't disobey him.

11: "I have to work late". I don't really. I actually go to my sisters place & hang.

12:  "I want to stay home & watch re-runs of the royal wedding". This one wasn't good. In fact this one nearly resulted in me dropping dead from exhaustion. He hates the royal family that much that he worked me so hard I developed minor shin splints.

13: "I'm feeling like crap. Do you want to be responsible for my death?". I constantly feel the need to whip out the marital obligation lines. I think we've established my feelings about compromise. I would rather lick the scrotum of an obese sweaty ethnic man than compromise. Compromise to me means FAIL. Of epic proportions. It makes me feel a little bit sick on the inside when I lose. So sick in fact that I am going to re structure the word in to 'Vompromise'.

14: "You can't make me". Accompanied with throwing of things, flailing of hands, droopy stroke-like bottom lip & tears. I can chuck GOOD tantrum. And cry on demand. I challenge any 3 year old to take me on.

15: "I have been brain raped by 40 angry old men for the last 8 hours. It's not going to happen". When he wasn't working at all, most days I came home angry, resentful & tired. I said mean things. Such terrible mean things that he didn't speak to me for an hour (we are real honest to god soul mates so our fights never last more than an hour. It's pathetic). This got me out of going to the gym by default. And made feel like the biggest asshole. I would rather have burnt my ass to pieces & maybe shat myself a little bit on a dam treadmill.

What's you best excuse for getting you out of anything? Or what would you be willing to resort to to get your own way?

Peace!