Friday, July 15, 2011

My never ending bullshitisms for why I can't go to the gym today

Over the last couple of months I have come up with some ridic excuses of why I can't work out. Most weeks I make it to the gym 4-5 times. This week I have sucked. I blame the jager party on Saturday night for completely ripping my motivation from my warm bloody carcass.

My work out gym nazi husband finds my excuses hilarious, but most of the time annoying. He does give me snaps for my creativity though. Fucking ay.

Seriously, I am your go to guy for anti anything billboard signs.

1: "My stomach is eating me from the inside out. I am pretty sure this is what death feels like". (said whilst sprawled face down on our bed with my head buried in my pillows). Half an hour later I can be located in the kitchen eating crackers.

2: "I'm too sad today. I just want to go home & be sad in my pyjamas". This was a relevant & common excuse pre the day I discovered that I had actually been promoted. Now I have nothing. My life is good.

3: "I can't. My bleeder has arrived. I'm scared I may leak in public". This one ALWAYS works. My bleeder is more schizophrenic than Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind.

4: "Well we can either go to the gym or stay home & mate. Your choice". This one always works too. I am married to a younger man. The dick rules his life & he can't do anything about it. Nuff said.

5: "I may fart on the treadmill so much that a little poop will come out". My god there have been so many close calls. I swear I have some sort of anal malfunction. City Fitness, you need to move your toilets DOWNSTAIRS. No one should have to complete an obstacle course in the way of a thousand fricking stairs just to answer the call of nature.

6: "You can't make me go today because I may stab someone for real. I can't be trusted in public. You should probably lock the door now & go hide yourself in the bathroom". This works well if I am rocking back in forth in a fetal position on the bed. Rocking while lying down is not easy, just so you know. But if I am committed enough to my cause, I can do anything.

7: "The veloceraptor seagulls ate my gym shoes". After I witnessed Seagull Fight Club, nothing those crazy fuckers do anymore surprises me.

8: "I lost my swipe card. They won't let me in without it". This one worked until he found my keys on the dining room table that has my swipe card attached to them. Bugger it.

9: "Jesus came to me in my dreams & said I mustn't work out today because I need to have a study day to prepare myself mentally for the rapture". I think has been by far the most pathetic excuse. When I am desperate I can't control the messed up words that spew forth from my gullet.

10: "Bear Grylls said I shouldn't". Love you my nose twin! Bear is the man. I can't disobey him.

11: "I have to work late". I don't really. I actually go to my sisters place & hang.

12:  "I want to stay home & watch re-runs of the royal wedding". This one wasn't good. In fact this one nearly resulted in me dropping dead from exhaustion. He hates the royal family that much that he worked me so hard I developed minor shin splints.

13: "I'm feeling like crap. Do you want to be responsible for my death?". I constantly feel the need to whip out the marital obligation lines. I think we've established my feelings about compromise. I would rather lick the scrotum of an obese sweaty ethnic man than compromise. Compromise to me means FAIL. Of epic proportions. It makes me feel a little bit sick on the inside when I lose. So sick in fact that I am going to re structure the word in to 'Vompromise'.

14: "You can't make me". Accompanied with throwing of things, flailing of hands, droopy stroke-like bottom lip & tears. I can chuck GOOD tantrum. And cry on demand. I challenge any 3 year old to take me on.

15: "I have been brain raped by 40 angry old men for the last 8 hours. It's not going to happen". When he wasn't working at all, most days I came home angry, resentful & tired. I said mean things. Such terrible mean things that he didn't speak to me for an hour (we are real honest to god soul mates so our fights never last more than an hour. It's pathetic). This got me out of going to the gym by default. And made feel like the biggest asshole. I would rather have burnt my ass to pieces & maybe shat myself a little bit on a dam treadmill.

What's you best excuse for getting you out of anything? Or what would you be willing to resort to to get your own way?



  1. ohhh you can't take our awesome night out as an excuse to not go to the gym!
    ok ok you can...
    but it was awesome!

    I sometimes take my kid as an excuse for everything!
    "No sorry I really can't come to your whateveritisyouwantmetocometo because I can't find a sitter!"

    "I really need to leave your boring BBQ now because my kid is getting grumpy and tired"

    Even back at Polytech!
    "No teacher, I really can't come to our super exiting class trip today, my kid is sick!"

    Works every time, nobody messes with a mum ;)

  2. Last night I was craving chips so baddddddd, that I actually got Dan to get off the couch, put some outside clothes on, get in the Jeep and go to the store......alllll for just a blow job.

    Yes that's right I am that talented....and that my Bottom Becky is how I get my own way with everything.....

  3. #5 is the best and worst reason on this list! hahaha

    Really, if you for real, for real need some time away from the gym, then take it. Just don't let yourself fall into never-ever going again oblivion.

    I just use boring excuses for not going: I'm too tired; don't wanna; it's not working any more.

    Thankfully I haven't used these excuses in a long time. I find going to the gym JUST 4 times a week has made a world of difference. That way I can usually get a day of rest in between. It does wonders for my mind and body.

  4. "The boy is sick" works everytime!

  5. I'm a Head Chef, and one I like to use on Commis chefs who work for me is "I've been doing this for fifteen years sonny, I've paid my dues."
    This is mostly a lie, but gets me out of mundane crap like peeling potatoes and chopping salad, and leaves me free to concentrate on the important things in a professional kitchen, such as which glamour model in the daily paper has the best breasts, or a forty-five minute argument about the best way to carve a boat out of a lemon.

  6. Sweet! You gave me some new ones. Number 5 is my personal favorite.

  7. My word, what's it called? Verification thingie was: maniske, but I typed mansicle. Man-sicle. Where the hell is my head tonight?

  8. You're married. Why do you need to go to the gym????????

  9. haha such good excuses I could never compete!


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