Saturday, July 9, 2011

Saturday Morning Shit List: June 9th

1.Expensive Produce & Seedless Grapes that coincidentally have big fuck off seeds in them.
I spent $45 at the fruit & veg store on Wednesday. I bought 5 tomato's for $9. This shits me severely & caused me to have a slightly resentful rant at my in house vegetarian. I don't give a giant donkey shit that he feels so great he could ninja kick a door in right now, his new chosen lifestyle is making us broke. Learn to love the meat again baby. Please. Or we will have to start wiping our asses on our clothes because we won't be able to afford the mammoth amounts of bog roll our rectal duet chows through on a weekly bases.


Oh & the grapes you misey feckers, they had seeds in them. After the sign simply stated NO SEEDS. This is called false advertising you dicks. (this rant is being channeled at the owners of 'Eat Me', our local produce store). When you find that expensive & healthy looking pile of human excrement dusted in grape pips waiting outside the front of your store tomorrow morning, that's from me. Consider the message delivered. Becky doesn't like being tricked.

2.Geordie Shore
Lordy fucking help us, a bunch of twatty poms have jumped on the retard wagon. I sat & watched Geordie Shore on Tuesday night. It was so bad that I couldn't look away. Behold the knobs & knobettes, marinating in a spa of dirty vagiola infections, fake tan & giant egos.

Get your translations here
Luckily Blake wasn't home because if he catches me watching this shitrot I insist he commits extreme domestic abuse on my person. And the most annoying thing, I felt like I was watching a foreign reality show because I literally had no idea what the hell any of them were saying. AND THEY WERE SPEAKING ENGLISH! They need to subtitle that bitch up so I know what everyone's saying. I was like this confused & somewhat evil looking fox......an because he is an English fox he shall be speaking with an cockney English accent......


3. Moisturising.
Is bloody boring. And takes so long. Especially when there is more of you to moisturise than most normal sized people. It's like a triathlon. Sometimes I wish I was a shark. Their skin never gets dry.

I've been having dry lip issues again this week. On Monday I was so desperate for some dry lip relief that I asked a taxi driver if he had some. Not expecting that he would say yes. To my surprise he did indeed have a chapstick in his vehicle. He went & got it & presented it to me like he was holding a huge golden nugget. He stood in front of me waiting with baited breath for me to apply his shitty lip chap to my lips. It looked like it had been floating in a sewer pond for a year. But I was that fucking desperate I ripped the lid of it & smeared its contents all over my mouth. Afterwards, with the hideous old mouldy tube of chapstick sitting in front of my face on the counter, I felt a bit dirty about the whole situation. You don't share people's chapsticks man. I may as well of shared a needle with him & then licked his hands clean. Ew.

Anyway I now have my own little tub of blistex in my handbag. Which very soon will go & hide in the mysterious place where all the 50 million other lip glosses/lip chaps/lip creams I have bought in the last few years have disappeared to.

4. The word 'Compromise'.
Blake wants to go to a Springbok game in September. I want to go to Foo Fighters in December. We can't go to both. Everyone says marriage is about compromise. Well compromise can piss off because I say marriage is about who can take the best hiding. I will keep you informed on this current battle.


5. Spam links on Facebook.
Now I don't normally 'Like' any groups on Facebook but I came across one aptly named 'Not clicking on spam links because I'm not a retarded fuck'. I couldn't agree more. I have NEVER clicked on a spam link. And I've been roaming the cyber streets of Facebook for many a year.

It baffles me to the point of amusement at why people are compelled to click on this shit. Actually no I retract that, it doesn't baffle me. It kind of grosses me out because do you know what it tells me about some of you? You are a bit disturbed. A disturbed person who thinks they are going to see baby coming out of a swollen vag, or a teen caught on camera playing with herself. Or some random on a roller coaster being beheaded. Or lets not forget the 'You will never eat McDonald's again after looking at this' spam. You are a curious monkey. The solution: Don't click on this shit. Easy.

When I was a Myspace kid, I had my account hacked & I logged on one morning to find my profile page had been replaced with a wall of dick. Not just any old dick either. It was bad.



6: The Fannypod Lady
A lady comes in to my work once a month to take away the fanny pod. Now for those of you that don't know, the fanny pod is the special box-like contraption in the bathroom where female can dispose of  menstruation products. Me, well I just flush everything. I pride myself on blocking the fuck out of every toilet on this planet. It's just something I strive for.

Anyway, she always brings me a small packet of candy. It's like she is trying to thank me for the fact she possibly has the worst job in the universe. But I never eat the candy nor do I touch the packet the candy is in, because she has touched it with her fanny pod hands. (she wears latex gloves but I don't know where her sheathed hands have been).

When ever she comes in to work, I like to stand in honour & shout to the masses 'The Fanny Pod Lady is here'. This is met but skeezy chuckles from the men folk. I am considering planning a picket line for the next time she comes in & standing out the front of our offices with a sign saying 'Down with Bleeders!'. Fanny Pod lady, whoever you are, my unwanted uterus lining salutes you.

FYI Americano's. Here in Hemisphere South, Fanny = Vag. Not Bottom.


7: Chronic Tweeters.
Do not be mistaken, by all means twat away. Most of the time I enjoy reading all the witty one liners & informative 'OMG i just saw a dog' tweets. Hell, share your innermost thoughts if you feel a deep urgency to do so because I really give a shit about every moment of your life. But for the love of J.Christ please stop doing it every 2 minutes. This is not a fun time. Especially for the people that have to read the shit.

If I unfollow you on Twitter it's because I'm sick of your constant mundane shit talk. I would expect someone to do the same to me. Except I don't have time to twatter constantly all day long because I actually do stuff at my work. And when I'm not at work I do other stuff. Like eat. And sleep.

8: Creed.
Scott Stapp makes me want to kill myself. If I die before any of ya'll & you consider in your head, for one moment, that a Creed song would go down a treat at my funeral, I will haunt your muthafucking ass til the end of time. I will also argue with anyone til the end of time about how shithouse this band is. The only reason Creed made it on to my shit list today is because I heard 'With Arms Wide Open' on the radio not 5 minutes ago. The radio is now lying in pieces outside on the road. See, that's what happens.


Any dude who stands like that when he sings, & he does stand like that when he sings, deserves to be beaten to death. With his own homo arm. He is an epic man fuck.

9: Holey Undies
Unlike the rest of my female friends & family members with their matching panty/bra sets, I don't give a fuck about underwear. All I know is I have to keep the beave monster covered during the day in case it eats someone. Because Blake says so. I buy a 10 pack of cotton undies from the local Warehouse (similar to Walmart) when I have to. They are comfortable, inexpensive & don't give me yeast infections.

The problem with me is that I will keep wearing the shit out of them even when they are way past form. I'm talking like ripped from front bum to back bum. To the point where the whole front part is flapping down onto my thigh like a modern day loin cloth. It is only when they no longer stay on the area in which they are meant to be covering & end up a lumpy wad of material all bunched up in the crotch of my pants do I consider biffing them out. I'm not even embarrassed. I believe in getting my monies worth.

Just to show you how embarrassed I am not, here is some photo evidence. Because I know you fucking want it.


Yep I can't believe I did that either. I am on a downward spiral to publicly shame & humiliate myself as much as I possibly can so why stop now. I am wearing a pair of my munted underwear around my face like a goatee. I will be famous one day. You witnessed it all here first.

Just to clarify, these are clean & only 2 days old. Yet my giant undie munching ass has already torn the elastic from around one of the legs. It's true I have a pirahna jacksie. They will be good for at least another 2 months. If not for actually wearing as undies, they serve as a bloody cracker chin & frontal neck region warmer.

10: Gnocchi
Up until last night it had been on my list of 'foods to try before I die'. Well I nailed that bitch & it was the biggest anti climax. EVER. More disappointing than the time I dated the real hot personal trainer who became known amongst my peers as 30 second guy (yep girls a bitches).

It was like eating small balls of soft flavourless nothingness. Now I'm sure if I had an Italian Nona or Aunty Helen Webb to make it for me it would be awesomeballs, but I don't have a Nona. Or a Nana. And Helen lives in South Africa. Boo.

Righto. I have a giveaway running until the end of the month. Go to the end of this post to see what the prize pack includes. And please read the terms & conditions HERE so you can have a crack at winning.

Have a wicked weekend bitches!

13 comments:

  1. This is one of your best posts ever, so much informative ranting, I feel like you are writing this just for me!

    Geordie Shore: After watching a Jersey Shore marathon the other day (we have just turned on sky for a month to appease the cartoon monster) I saw an add for Geordie Shore, but after seeing a girl in her bedroom going "oi, dod u toot ta, un ger cum on!" I was like there is no shitting way on earth I am watching that!
    I mean honestly, who COULD watch it, its like watching a subtitled french movie, boring, confusing and eye stabbingly annoying!
    BTW While Jersey shore was on I was sewing, but the husband who was supposed to be going to his man cave to play with computers hung around lurking until the marathon was over - and by the end he knew all their names and could tell the difference between them. I still thought there was only 1 girl and 1 guy and kept getting confused as to why in one scene they would be making out, and in the next shouting at each other like crazy arseholes.

    Spam links on Facebook: Even after all the shit you see all over facebook about arsewipes who have clicked the links and flooded people with spam, people still click on them??!! It makes me mad because when someone posts a genuinely cool video, like watch this monkey riding a rooster, I'm too scared to click on it! So I don't, and to this day I still haven't seen a monkey riding a rooster

    Chronic Tweeters: I do have a twitter account, but I have no idea how to use it, it is linked to my facebook, so anything I say there just gets transferred to twitter - and thats for punkbaby, not me. BUT I do hate the shit out of people that post 'twitterly' on Facebook #rodgersimon kdjsls @whatsup I mean honestly, what does that mean??!!

    Creed: My anti god radar has made me hate Creed from day 1, I still love it even now that if anyone mentions crap music or a joke about crap, Creed is the first thing mentioned

    Holey Undies: I too buy plain cotton undies and wear them to within an inch of their life and beyond. After folding up my washing the other day my mum even bought me undies for my 30th birthday. Although she did buy those horrible 'G strings in disguise' - they are a g string but have lace going up each side so they look like real undies. Needless to say I took them back and exchanged them for boy shorts after vomitting a little in my mouth. Never have and never will wear a g string. I hadn't even seen one until my wedding night our mothers made us up a basket of alcohol, food and a g string. Or what Nigel told me was a g string - it was a mans g string with a chunky big piece of elastic for the butt part. He made me put it on and it was glittery and fluffy and I wondered why it was so saggy and why girls would want a big piece of elastic between their arse. Sigh. The next morning when emptying out the basket I found a tiny wee girls red g string in the bottom of it. It all clicked into place and I threw both pairs of undies away in disgust.

    Gnocci: I wonder if this is our mystery Italian food... when in Italy any time you bought any sort of food it would have this soft white disgusting and horrible tasting crud in it. It looked like egg, or cheese or tofu, we couldn't figure it out, but it was disgusting and plagued our whole Italian trip. maybe thats what it was??

    Anyway I have totally taken over your blog, maybe I should just get one of my own...

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  2. Good Lord. You are hilarious. I literally laugh out loud when I read your posts. The bit about the Fanny Lady. LOL! My kids looked at me like I was bonkers.

    And that stupid show "The Jersey Shore"...ugh...it makes me hate Americans. . . and I am one. How sad is that?

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  3. I can relate to all of it! Love this post!

    Why in Gods name would anyone want to remake the shit storm known as Jersey Shore? Fuck... maybe the human race is out of ideas...

    Also, gnocchi sucks balls. But then again, I find most Italian food to be rather dull (except pizza).

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  4. Right so will now never be able to except lollies and chapsticks from anyone ever again!!!

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  5. I am at work right now and I was trying to hard not to giggle or laugh to loudly but when I read the "Holey Undies" I almost peed my pants and let out this half laugh/drowning noise.

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  6. Once again Becky you have made me laugh. Guess what you will be getting for your birthday...lots of lovely knickers, with DECENT elastic!!!!

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  7. 1) SERIOUSLY? The store is called EAT ME? lmfao.
    2) Jersey Shore was an infectious disease, a blight on the face of humanity. And now I see its catching, too.
    3) That's disgusting, Bex. Hang your head in shame, girl. I love the cocao lip care stick form The Body Shop. Try it! I don't leave home without it.
    6) Fanny = butt. Where do you guys get off calling it a hoo-hoo? Poppycock!
    7) Twitter is for twits. (Whew! Been wanting to say that for a long time!)
    9) You are the most delightful twisted person I've ever met. Look at that beautiful face... and how you crazy panties frame it!
    great post!!

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  8. Fanny pod is going into my vocabulary as of now! haha

    Ok, my answer to your rant about CREED is Nickelback. Have you heard of them? If so, I'm sorry. And, they hail from my province. I'm doubly sorry.

    Gnocchi is very bland if not prepared properly. If you would have lightly pan fried it (after boiling it) in some spiced oil it would have been delicious. Or next time, toss it with a few sun dried tomatoes. That will make the whole experience less doughy-boring. Oh, and of course a creamy sauce never does a pasta wrong. But, we're on a diet. So forget I mentioned it.

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  9. Gnocchi is by far one of my favorite Italian dishes. Once you have some deliciously prepared gnocchi, you won't be able to leave your house because of the prolonged erection you will have from it for the six hours following.

    Best boner you can get,
    Becca.

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  10. Ha ha ha Bec, your Ma loves you and you so make me laugh too. Yes, one day you will be famous!

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  11. loving those saturday shit lists!

    I totally agree with the jersey shore shit... or whatever they call it now. Mr C. made me watch it once but the longer i was sitting there (approximately 5mins) i could feel my braincells dying off!!!!
    So I left to watch some Desperate Housewives :)

    And for your toss up... why don't you go and see Foo Fighters and he goes to see the Springbocks?
    Just a thought ;)

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  12. I just laughed so loud at your Undie pic x

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  13. I'm with ya girly! I flush the lady stuff. What the hell is going on with having a special freaking company that collects just feminine hygiene products from bathrooms? We have a little bin on the inside of our ladies room stalls. You can put your stuff in there and the regular cleaning people put it in the regular trash. I cannot fucking believe there is a special job for this. Bravo them!

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