Wednesday, July 20, 2011

How to disguise the bitch flu when on the inside you've clearly lost your will to live

I am fully qualified to dish out this information because I have been actively practising this since Friday last week.

My husband & I call our immune systems our ninjas. This sounds like a big bunch of gay I know, but hear me out. I like to pretend that my body is surrounded by thousands of little ninjas that are consistantly battling with the evil of potential illness. I keep my ninjas strong by eating healthy most of the time, exercising & generally taking good care of myself.

However, once in a while I have a moment of weakness & I fuck with my ninjas superpowers by plying them with alcohol. Or a sneaky fag. Hey I'm human, don't judge me.

This blatant ninja abuse basically kills them or at least makes them so piss mad that they go on strike. Which in turn opens me up to all the rampant whore bugs raging around me.

It's true, I am a drama queen. Right now I can't breathe out of my nose at all. The snot goblin has claimed ownership of my nose, so when you ring me for your cab I'm all heavy breathing & shit & sound like a phone sex hotline. This is the only way I can breathe right now. If I close my mouth, my lungs won't fill with oxygen & I will die.

My throat feels like I gave the tin man a blow job & he ejaculated millions of small razor sharp tin man sperm into the back of my throat. It hurts me & I'm pretty certain if you could see into the back of my throat, it would be bleeding.

Instead of staying home all day, watching MTV & eating arse cream (when Blake says ice cream, his South African accent makes him say ARSE CREAM. This never gets not funny), I have been manning the fuck up & going to work. It's been tough, I won't lie to you, but I am a soldier of awesome. No bastard head cold will keep me down.

Here are some handy tips to disguise the sick.

1: Make up. This rules the dudes out straight away although I am not judging if you like to wear the lady paint. Strategically applied make up will hide the greatest of sickness. Or beatings. This does get tricky if you have a fever as I did this morning. Perseverance is key. Pay special attention to the skin surrounding the nostrils. Keep that shit moisturised as to prevent leaving a scabby red mess. No amount of slap is going to cover that bacterial infection up. Go balls out on the mascara & eye liner. If you are going to sound like a phone sex worker, you may as well look like one.

2: Use eye drops. The eyes are window to the muthafucking kick of death you are currently receiving. Buy some eye drops & use them. Unless you want to look like you smoked a 30cm long hooter in your lunch break. This has been my one failure in the last 3 days (not smoking a giant doobie). I sat in my chair at my desk on Monday all proud & shit that I was tough enough to come to work, until one of my cabbies came in & said, 'christ you look like shit'. BURN! That was totally my eyes fault.

3: Don't be afraid to spread your sickness around like the clap. Now I'm pretty sure I didn't just walk into an angry invisible ball of flu bugs. Some fucker gave this to me. And because I am kind & don't like to mess with the circle of life, I am going to share mine as hard as I can. Plus if I give it to someone else, theoretically I am getting rid of mine right? Blake's been scoffing that his ninjas are way more hardcore than mine & he definitely will not get sick. I am on a mission to fuck his ninjas over. And there is no low I won't sink to.

4: Where possible, sneeze in private. Sneezing & sneeze farting in front of people is a major red flag to flu doom. Especially if your sneeze is so loud it blows out glass windows. My sneezes are tight & girly. The tightness is the intense automatic ass clenching I do every time I sneeze. This in turn seems to strangle my intestines which sends the stink baff gas bubbles out my colon. Basically my sneezes smell. I can't help this. My body does what it does. Atleast I'm not sharting.

5: Don't plug your nostrils up with tissues & leave them there. Not ok to do in public. This scares people. So I have discovered.

6: If your nose feels like it's dribbling all over your top lip, it probably is. After 3 days of constant snot stream it's easy to get complacent. And there are also times when you think your nose is dripping but it's not. That's called the phantom snot. It always pays to check anyway, just in case. Because no one likes talking to a snot face. Especially when it's tainted green. It's distracting & for those puss bags with weak stomachs, potentially vom inducing.

7: Be nice to people. Unless you're always a loud proud asshole, in that case just be yourself.
Being sick makes mad. More mad than usual. Should I take my grumpy out on people? No I should not.

When I feel poorly, the only person I expect to cry me a muthafucking river is my husband. And my mum. They are legally obligated to care about my well being. I don't write the rules, I just enforce them.

So when a customer rings me up at work, or a kindly driver approaches me for some friendly advice & all I want to do is scream my head off like a woman possessed & spew hot lava in their faces, I have to pretend I am a stroke me nicely stepford wife. It kills me on the inside.

7: When you get home at the end of the day, lay down & die as loudly as possible. None of the rules above apply. As soon as I walk through my front door I do a Bruce Almighty & the powers that be (my own hands) rip my work uniform right off me. To be replaced by my pyjama's, hoody & sick puss face.

Once in the comfort of my home it's all on. I whinge, moan, snot on everything & pretend I am dying in the most dramatic way possible. I make Blake tickle my back & make me hot lemon & honey drinks & I sleep on & off for the remainder of the day. I sneeze fart loudly, snore like a there's a weed whacker stuck at the back of my throat, I build a dam of tissues up each nostril & I let my shit all hang out. I also choose this time to text every one I know & tell how sick I am. My wilted ego needs some stroking. I want them to feel bad for me.

8: Embrace the sickness. You have done this to yourself. You owe it to your dead ninjas to see this bitch out & feel the pain. You could jam Vit C down your pie hole like a E popping crack whore, but it's too late now, the oranges & chicken soup won't save you. The damage is already done.

Be brave & try to keep shit ticking over. It takes mammoth effort & commitment but you can trick your ninjas into thinking that everything's normal & before you know it they are back up & ready to fight, for your right, to party. This is what I keep telling myself. Don't Stop Believing.

Sorry guys but I can't turn the self pity off like a tap. Humor me for a bit.



  1. I know the feeling .. I have a horrible immune system... my ninja's gave up on me ages ago... and therefore I'm sick a lot.. and so I've mastered the art of the sick...

  2. You made me laugh my ass off. Clearly your ninjas are still protecting your sense of humour. I love that you are a soldier of awesome. I aspire to be such a soldier one day. I do NOT go to work when I'm sick.

    I want to wish you better, but this shit's so funny, I kind of want to hear more of this. ;)

  3. Hope you feel better soon!

    I had a bad case of the flu a couple of years ago and I felt like I was dying!!
    And the worst no body was there to care about me, my brother and sister popped their heads in every few days to check if I am still alive and my brother even bought me some 2minute noodles and coke after a week but apart from that I was left to die and rot by myself for 3(!!!!) weeks...

    Not very nice!


  4. "My throat feels like I gave the tin man a blow job..." hahahahhahahahahaha I let out a spastic chuckle when I read that. I was definetly not expecting any sort of reference to the Tin Man's dick.

  5. The flu is some nasty shit; I do not envy you right now, but I do hope that you feel better, and that your ninja arm steps its shit up. Because ninjas are supposed to be badass, not... ass. :/

  6. So us cabbies should be getting a lot more work then if you're sounding like a phone sex worker??? :)

  7. "My throat feels like I gave the tin man a blow job & he ejaculated millions of small razor sharp tin man sperm into the back of my throat..." from that point on, I laughed silently until my mascara ran!

    GET BETTER ALREADY! But, if you can't please keep the laughs coming!


  9. Tin Man razor sperm...I snort with laughter. I will never watch the Oz movie again without that mental picture up front and center. While I hope you feel better soon I am really glad that your snot-farts et. al. are 1/2 a world away from me. Oh, and yes, I got my nifty gift yesterday in the snail mail. Thank you, I love 'em.

  10. Dude, are you STILL fucking sick? What the hell. I'm almost done with mine, or maybe it's all gone. I killed it with nicotene, so now I just have one nostril plugged up, but the cough's gone.

    Weird thing I have when I'm sick: my spastic depressive anxiety hypertension goes away, and I feel comfortable with myself. Totally relaxed. In pain, usually, but totally relaxed.

    Does that make me fucked up?


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