Friday, July 29, 2011

Retarded Human Behaviour Files: Pants on the ground

Last night, there was a young guy with his girlfriend standing in front of me at Domino's. He had pants on. But not really ON on. The waist band of his pants was down underneath his butt cheeks. Not around his waist. Therefore he wasn't actually wearing his pants as pants, more like full length leg warmers.

Now I've always believed you're glass is full or empty. None of this glass half full bullshit. And just really confusing.

It's kind of like you are either a  full blown puss muncher or you like dick. Bisexuality should be a crime. It's not fair that your should be allowed both.

Another example is you're either a dedicated follower of the lord or a proud & out heathen. You can't go to church every second Sunday & have an OFF Sunday in between. In which you spend the day rubbing ointment on your herpes from the orgy you had the night before & smoking copious amounts of opium laced crack & beating up retarded children. No way man. Jesus forgives (so I've been told) but he doesn't appreciate blatant piss taking.

Same rule should apply to pants. You either where them in the way they were intended or don't where pants at all.

Now I'm all for boy bottom but I really wish these dudes would stop wearing their pants like this. Do you know what this tell me about them?

They really like their own ass. Anyone who purposely lets their jacksie hang out of their pants in that manner obviously has no self confidence or body esteem issues.

They shit their pants a lot. In order to abstain from actually shitting in their pants & creating soiled washing for their mum, they wear them in such a manner that no cloth covers anus.

They have worms & scratch their bum more than deemed normal. Wearing them this way creates easy access for hand/bum action.

They really really want piles. I don't know what piles even are but old people always say 'don't sit on that you will get piles'. One can only assume that without having the ass part of your pants actually covering your ass like they are supposed to, means you are upping your percentage chance of catching the mysterious piles. Good.

Someone lied to them once & told them it was trendy. New flash motherfucker. NOT COOL!! You look like an asshole. And if by some miraculous god like miracle, you have a girlfriend, she is an asshole too. For not making you wear your pants properly.

They like to flash their back fanny at people. I don't make a habit if going around flashing my vagina to strangers. If I did ever feel compelled to do that, I would atleast have the good manners to ask first. Same rule applys homo. Don't stand in front of me & back your hairy cha cha in my face. I know it's covered, usually with some heinous sloganised print boxer shorts that say PIMP. You ain't no pimp fool. You is a homo.The biggest actual non gay homo in the universe. If you're going to rock your pants like a loser, you should purchase these personally designed boxers I have made for you.

You have Phocomelia (short arms & deformed fingers) & you physically can't pull them up that far enough to cover you booty.
If this is the case then I understand & empathise, but there are devices you can buy that can help you with this shit. Also you need to torch your mum for taking drugs while she was pregnant with you. It's totally her fault you keep smacking yourself in the chin with your spoon while you eat your cornflakes.

You have no arms at all. If this is the case then I'm sorry, I bet the story of how it came to be that you have no arms anymore is tragic yet slightly exciting. However, you can pay someone to pull your pants up for you. Just a thought. P.S I'm sorry you will never experience the awesomeness of a well timed high five. This makes me weep.

You ass is allergic to the material of your pants. I can't quite figure how it could be possible that only your butt is allergic & not the rest of your lower body but hey my fingers are allergic to extreme cold air & itch like shit & become covered in white bumps. I can't rule this possibility out.

Your pants don't fit properly. Because you are too stupid & bought the wrong size. Take them back, get the right size.

You lost a shitload of weight & they are your 'transition' pants. In this case let your shit hang out freely. You have earnt the right to do this for a short period of time.

Your penis is so huge & because of your excess knobbage, logistics won't allow your backside to be covered by your pants. Firstly, I must see proof of giant penis. Secondly, get some specially made giant penis pants. I know people who sew.

You are borrowing your friends pants & he is morbidly obese. Why are you wearing your friends pants? I would never wear any of my friends pants? Pants are like toothbrushes. You don't share that shit.

I wanted to say something to this  pants on the ground guy last night but he looked like the type that would have probably knifed me. Becky Fight Rule 101: Pick your battles & always look for possible weaponry hiding in baggy man pants. Instead I kept it on the inside & spent the journey home ranting to Blake about how fucking stupid it looks. I turned to Blake when we pulled up outside our front door & said 'why does this annoy me so?". To which he replies "you are a grumpy old twat".

I will now leave you with a short video showing the lyrical skills of failed American Idol auditionee, Mr Larry Platt. Larry, my china from anothers hairy & highly likely African American vagina, never have I heard words so true.

*All rights to Fox & American Idol 2010*

Before I carry on with the rest of my day off I'd just like to share a little Becky story with ya'll.

Before Blake & I got together & were honest to god 'just mates', he invited me to his sisters wedding. They had their reception in a vineyard in the middle of a stinking hot NZ summer. This meant wine drinking in the monster sun which also means I got completely shitfaced drunk. So rotten that I don't even remember about 2 hours of the wedding reception. But apparently my friend Ange & I played musical wine glasses during the speeches, I danced to James Blunt (VOM!) & smoked a cigar. I was awesome.

Later on after the reception wound down a whole heap of us did a mission in to the city to the night clubs. After town Blake decided to crash at my pad for the night so we got a late bus home together. After getting off the bus we had to walk through a car park to get my house. The car park has a toilet in it which I was told I used because I wasn't going to make it another 100 metres without pissing myself.

The next day I woke up feeling like a bag of assholes with matching hair. Wine hangovers are the worst. I did a quick walk across the car park to the shop to buy some fags & some post drunken night out greasy kai (kai = 'food' in maori). Half way through the car park I spied a pair of ladies jeans hanging over the fence. I smirked to myself & thought some bitch had a good night out. Upon closer inspection, I realised with horror that those were in fact my jeans. To this day I can only guess I took them off in the car park toilet & walked home with no pants on.

I am certain that was the moment my husband fell in love with me because my ass was pretty awesome  back then. A really bad photo The Puss & I when we were younger & way before we fell in love. Also the night I lost my pants.

Does this mis-use of fashion man crime shit anyone else off as much as it does me? Or am I really just a grumpy old twat?



  1. My friend was once found by police completely naked in a car park trying to go to sleep seens she was so off her face she thought she was in her bedroom! Again put this in the Mot is awesome file:)

  2. You are NOT a grumpy old twat, you'll be glad to know. These stupid fuckers are mucking up the gene pool. Anyone who wears their pants like that should be taken out back and shot like a rabid dog.
    I don't think I've ever walked home pantsless. Awesome!

  3. Me + White wine = a dangerous combination. Often leads to black outs where I don't remember any of the crazy stuff I did - like doing some kind of semi-choreographed dance item with 2 other people on a stage in the middle of a night club and then falling asleep on the bar. Needless to say, I try to stay away from the stuff and drink vodka instead. Haven't gone without pants yet though so I think you're still winning.

  4. I absolutely can't stand it when boys (it's usually boys) can't pull their effing pants up.. it's NOT fashion....

    so either we're both old foggies or we're both awesome.. I choose the latter.. ;)

  5. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Ok, yes I HATE this trend. It was gross when they did it with baggy jeans, but it's even grosser with skinny jeans.

    I can not believe you walked home without your pants. YOU ARE AWESOME! HAHA I almost went to work one day with just a winter coat and my undergarments. True story. It wasn't intentional.

  6. bahahahaha you found your pants in the car park, bahahahaha

  7. At least you found your pants mate.Somewhere out there is a pair of long lost jeans belonging to me that I never found. Bad enough that I somehow lost my trousers when drunk... but when I woke up and discovered this I wasn't in my own home. That day I finally appreciated the meaning of the 'walk of shame'. :)

  8. P.S. ... Happy Birthday you old(er) git!! ;)

  9. You lost weight? That is ten kinds of awesome. Consider it an early birthday present from me because I wished for it. Yep, honest to goodness I did. haha Blow out your candles and enjoy the cake.

  10. I think I just fell in love with you for taking off your pants and not realizing the next day that you didn't have them! What the hell did you wear across to get food?

    I think that he looks totally in love with you in that picture by the way!

  11. Stalker again! Still reading, but my excuse this time is that last night my boyfriend came over and we had lots of sex. He is a Uni student as well and we don't get to see each other anywhere near enough and we were both gagging for some rooting. And before you start judging me because I say I am a Uni student with 3 kids, I am a MATURE AGED Uni student. I am 32. I just look 25 apparently. And I am 6'2 with red hair. Don't judge me. Anyway.. the worst thing I have done drunk, was get into a water fountain in just my Undies and t-shirt with my best friend and splash around and molest the statues. In the middle of Launceston in Tasmania. On a Friday night. Then a few months later we were in cab and talking to the driver and he said about this one time his mate who works security watched 2 drunk chicks playing in the water fountain in town and how him and 6 other guys working thought it was hilarious and taped it. The he looked straight at me and said, "It was a tall chick with red hair and big tits".. I just gave him his money and hopped out.

    1. Taxi drivers never miss a beat man. They are like flies. That drive cabs & eat pies. So basically nothing like flies at all.

      What I love the most about this comment is that I can totally visualise a 6'2" red head dicking around in a water fountain. And I'm not even disturbed by it.

      I once did this myself with my friend Charlotte. Then I up-rooted some native shrubbery, walked it back to Charlotte's house, & fell alseep with my arms wrapped around a young pohutakawa tree under her dining room table.


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