Retarded Human Behaviour Files: Pants on the ground

Last night, there was a young guy with his girlfriend standing in front of me at Domino's. He had pants on. But not really ON on. The waist band of his pants was down underneath his butt cheeks. Not around his waist. Therefore he wasn't actually wearing his pants as pants, more like full length leg warmers.

Now I've always believed you're glass is full or empty. None of this glass half full bullshit. And just really confusing.

It's kind of like you are either a  full blown puss muncher or you like dick. Bisexuality should be a crime. It's not fair that your should be allowed both.

Another example is you're either a dedicated follower of the lord or a proud & out heathen. You can't go to church every second Sunday & have an OFF Sunday in between. In which you spend the day rubbing ointment on your herpes from the orgy you had the night before & smoking copious amounts of opium laced crack & beating up retarded children. No way man. Jesus forgives (so I've been told) but he doesn't appreciate blatant piss taking.

Same rule should apply to pants. You either where them in the way they were intended or don't where pants at all.

Now I'm all for boy bottom but I really wish these dudes would stop wearing their pants like this. Do you know what this tell me about them?

They really like their own ass. Anyone who purposely lets their jacksie hang out of their pants in that manner obviously has no self confidence or body esteem issues.

They shit their pants a lot. In order to abstain from actually shitting in their pants & creating soiled washing for their mum, they wear them in such a manner that no cloth covers anus.

They have worms & scratch their bum more than deemed normal. Wearing them this way creates easy access for hand/bum action.

They really really want piles. I don't know what piles even are but old people always say 'don't sit on that you will get piles'. One can only assume that without having the ass part of your pants actually covering your ass like they are supposed to, means you are upping your percentage chance of catching the mysterious piles. Good.

Someone lied to them once & told them it was trendy. New flash motherfucker. NOT COOL!! You look like an asshole. And if by some miraculous god like miracle, you have a girlfriend, she is an asshole too. For not making you wear your pants properly.

They like to flash their back fanny at people. I don't make a habit if going around flashing my vagina to strangers. If I did ever feel compelled to do that, I would atleast have the good manners to ask first. Same rule applys homo. Don't stand in front of me & back your hairy cha cha in my face. I know it's covered, usually with some heinous sloganised print boxer shorts that say PIMP. You ain't no pimp fool. You is a homo.The biggest actual non gay homo in the universe. If you're going to rock your pants like a loser, you should purchase these personally designed boxers I have made for you.

You have Phocomelia (short arms & deformed fingers) & you physically can't pull them up that far enough to cover you booty.

If this is the case then I understand & empathise, but there are devices you can buy that can help you with this shit. Also you need to torch your mum for taking drugs while she was pregnant with you. It's totally her fault you keep smacking yourself in the chin with your spoon while you eat your cornflakes.

You have no arms at all. If this is the case then I'm sorry, I bet the story of how it came to be that you have no arms anymore is tragic yet slightly exciting. However, you can pay someone to pull your pants up for you. Just a thought. P.S I'm sorry you will never experience the awesomeness of a well timed high five. This makes me weep.

You ass is allergic to the material of your pants. I can't quite figure how it could be possible that only your butt is allergic & not the rest of your lower body but hey my fingers are allergic to extreme cold air & itch like shit & become covered in white bumps. I can't rule this possibility out.

Your pants don't fit properly. Because you are too stupid & bought the wrong size. Take them back, get the right size.

You lost a shitload of weight & they are your 'transition' pants. In this case let your shit hang out freely. You have earnt the right to do this for a short period of time.

Your penis is so huge & because of your excess knobbage, logistics won't allow your backside to be covered by your pants. Firstly, I must see proof of giant penis. Secondly, get some specially made giant penis pants. I know people who sew.

You are borrowing your friends pants & he is morbidly obese. Why are you wearing your friends pants? I would never wear any of my friends pants? Pants are like toothbrushes. You don't share that shit.

I wanted to say something to this  pants on the ground guy last night but he looked like the type that would have probably knifed me. Becky Fight Rule 101: Pick your battles & always look for possible weaponry hiding in baggy man pants. Instead I kept it on the inside & spent the journey home ranting to Blake about how fucking stupid it looks. I turned to Blake when we pulled up outside our front door & said 'why does this annoy me so?". To which he replies "you are a grumpy old twat".

I will now leave you with a short video showing the lyrical skills of failed American Idol auditionee, Mr Larry Platt. Larry, my china from anothers hairy & highly likely African American vagina, never have I heard words so true.

*All rights to Fox & American Idol 2010*

Before I carry on with the rest of my day off I'd just like to share a little Becky story with ya'll.

Before Blake & I got together & were honest to god 'just mates', he invited me to his sisters wedding. They had their reception in a vineyard in the middle of a stinking hot NZ summer. This meant wine drinking in the monster sun which also means I got completely shitfaced drunk. So rotten that I don't even remember about 2 hours of the wedding reception. But apparently my friend Ange & I played musical wine glasses during the speeches, I danced to James Blunt (VOM!) & smoked a cigar. I was awesome.

Later on after the reception wound down a whole heap of us did a mission in to the city to the night clubs. After town Blake decided to crash at my pad for the night so we got a late bus home together. After getting off the bus we had to walk through a car park to get my house. The car park has a toilet in it which I was told I used because I wasn't going to make it another 100 metres without pissing myself.

The next day I woke up feeling like a bag of assholes with matching hair. Wine hangovers are the worst. I did a quick walk across the car park to the shop to buy some fags & some post drunken night out greasy kai (kai = 'food' in maori). Half way through the car park I spied a pair of ladies jeans hanging over the fence. I smirked to myself & thought some bitch had a good night out. Upon closer inspection, I realised with horror that those were in fact my jeans. To this day I can only guess I took them off in the car park toilet & walked home with no pants on.

I am certain that was the moment my husband fell in love with me because my ass was pretty awesome  back then. A really bad photo The Puss & I when we were younger & way before we fell in love. Also the night I lost my pants.

Does this mis-use of fashion man crime shit anyone else off as much as it does me? Or am I really just a grumpy old twat?

Peace!