Monday, July 18, 2011

Saturday Morning Shit List: June 16th actually posted on Monday because I was too busy dying.

1: An Air NZ plane gets hit by lightning mid flight. This happened a couple of days ago. If I was on that plane I would have been completely hysterical & more than likely attempted to chop my way out. With my cold hard ninja hands.

I not a huge fan of flying but I will suck it up & do it anyway if it's the only mode of transport available to get me to my destination. However you won't find me leading a conga line of joy down the aisles.

Thankfully the plane was landed safely some place I'm not 100% sure of. And the scared shitless passengers were then hoarded on to another plane to continue on their journey. As a gesture of goodwill, good old Air NZ gave the passengers one free drink each. Nothing says 'awesome, I'm so glad you didn't die today' like a free drink. I would be demanding danger money. Shitheads.

2. Haters. AKA people who have chronic asshole disease.
I've been the target of some hate & assholism this week involving my blog & my bosses & someone that clearly doesn't like me for whatever reason that may be. This someone is a person that I've trusted in the past, has been a friend, co-worker & even invited to my wedding. Not sure what their beef is but regardless of all the unwanted drama, it's come to nothing. Because I haven't actually done anything wrong. A lawyer has even verified that point on my behalf.

I nearly let it get to me but thought better of it. I'm guilt free & won't sink to the malicious game playing level to which she has sunk. Cos you know what, I am way better than that.

I get that not everyone is going to like or agree with the things I write about. Solution.....Do yourself & me a favour, DON'T READ IT! It's that easy.

3. People with facebook profile pics of them pashing their lover/boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/he-bitch
I get it ok, someone fucking likes you. Congratulations. Are you really that much of a douche that you need to parade you & your beloveds spittle exchange as your profile picture? I don't want to see that shit! Do you know what I do if someone does this.....I delete their ass. Because they just earned themselves 100 retard points on Becky's scale of cool. And god help you if I see tongue.

5. Half shaved heads. Back in the 80's & early 90's I remember very clearly a style of hair cut called 'The Undercut'. The undercut was a statement haircut that told the world 'I'm so badass & clearly don't give a fuck about anything'. It consisted of someone (usually their mum) shaving all their hair away from around the base of the crown & leaving all the long hair hanging down from the top. I thought it was absolute shit house & subsequently teased & de-friend anyone who attempted to rock it that henious hair crime. Most of the boys (& a couple experimental girls) in my hood had it done. Dicks.

Fast forward nearly 20 years later & hello...............

image source
Obviously our girl here is attractive, but I don't get the hair man? It looks like someone started shaving & got bored half way. OR she is undecided about what length hair she wants so decides to have half & half. I don't like it. I find it gender confusing. Nor do I like the wolf vest she's wearing. In fact I've just completely ripped this person to shreds. She needs to maybe rethink her whole image.

5: Husbands that empty the dishwasher & leave the contents sitting on the kitchen bench. For days.
Don't think I need to reiterate on this much. My man, bless him, empties the dishwasher. That's his chore. And while I appreciate his help, he never ever puts the actual dishes away. Instead he leaves them sitting on the bench 'to dry'. It's like he selectively forgets where everything goes.

I've decided to put a sign on the front of the dishwasher drawer. This isn't the best photo representation but just before I took this he put all our plastic containers that had been sitting on the bench for the last week back in the cupboard in which it belongs. Don't even get me started on why he must have 50 different varieties of  herbal tea. It all just taste like hot flower water to me.

6: The Whistley Nose. I have been plagued with a rogue bogie the last few days that seems to be hiding high up in my nasal cavity. At night when I'm in bed asleep & breathing in/out my nose, it causes me to sound like a modern day pied piper. Except small children don't follow me dancing gaily down the road. Instead I have an angry sleep deprived husband who lays beside me trying to contemplate how humane it is to suffocate your wife while she sleeps. He reckons last night I whistled Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. I didn't even know I knew that one?

7: People who can't stop smiling. Seriously being happy is not the issue here. Having a constant smarmy grin plastered on your goofy face 24/7 is so bloody annoying. I remember in my experimental days of old once taking a herbal high called Smileys. Apart from grinding my teeth down to powder, having limitless amounts of energy, & the I want to kill myself depression of the come down, I have never smiled so much in my entire life. Hence the name 'Smiley'. Seriously, that night, my whole family could have been murdered & I wouldn't be able to NOT smile. This is the sort of non stop smiling I can't handle. People who will smile on through the shitballs of misery.

Here is an example of someone who can't stop smiling & annoys the fuck out of me.
Her name is Amber. She is a contestant on New Zealand's Next Top Model. Yes we have one. And it's bad.

I want to punch her just to see if she will stop smiling. I don't believe she will. It's not a mega watt smile but it's consistant. Like all the motherflippin time.

If you would like to see an entire 2:30 minutes worth of Amber smiling her head, please go HERE. This will only play to NZ residents. Not sure why.

Amber needs to express her emotions through facial expression. Or just do nothing at all. Like this guy, also a fellow NZNTM contestant.

I love everybody but that is shit load of big boofy ginga right there.

8: Muthafucking RIDICULOUS shoes.
This is another fashion fuck up that I don't get. When I go out, I like to have a good time. Preferably without killing myself in the process. Remember how I always go on about hazards etc, well bitches some of you wear the hazards. On your feet.

And when I hear stories of people twisting ankles/breaking their face/falling down a flight of stairs......I laugh on the inside. Not an evil laugh. More of a mild tsk tsk shake of the head disappointed I'm smarter than you laugh.

Why am I smarter than you.....because I wear sensible shoes when I'm drunk. I remove the hazard right from the get go. And dudes I have worn heels out & I walk like one of those unfortunate muscular dystrophy kids. I don't want to be disrespectful by clearly walking exactly like them when I don't even have it. That's just mean.

9: Ecuadorian food markets. They eat hamsters.
Along with the food network channel, that we have already ascertained in a previous post is my porn, I also watch a lot of the Travel Channel. Particularly in winter when I need to be dragged kicking & screaming from my house everyday just to go to work. I love seeing all the places in the world you can go & fantasising about how I may one day go there too.

I won't be going to Ecuador. In Ecuador they eat Hamsters. Which you buy still alive & all hamstery from the local food markets. Along with baby chickens, ducks, normal sized chickens, goats, cows etc. I died a little bit on the inside watching this. You buy the animal alive. Which means you have to do the slaughtering.

I then got shown step by step how to prepare the hamster Ecuadorian styles. It's skinned, gutted & deep fried. With it's head still on. I won't be going to Ecuador. Ever. Not even if someone paid for me to go. In my country, we don't eat hamster. Or any other household pet. Savages.

Just so you know I'm not lying, here is a photo of BBQ Hamster. If you have one as a pet or love animals hardout, I suggest you look away now & scroll the fuck down.

10: That South African chick who cried basically the entire way through her wedding to that ugly ass Prince whoever. She look like she wanted to die.
In my country, plastering every single woman's mag on the stands is various photo's of this bitch crying. On my wedding day I cried happy tears for about 1 minute when saying my wedding vows. After that I could not wipe the shit eating grin off my face (non drug induced). It was to date the happiest day of my life.

Princess Charlotte looked like she was going to her own execution. Fair play lady. If I was marrying that sack of baldy ass I would be crying too. I hate to say it but you really didn't think this one through Charlotte.

11: England Rugby Teams second rugby jersey for the world cup.
I flaming piss mad about this one. So mad that I can't write anything. My mum tells me sometimes it's best to say nothing at all when you're that angry. This is one of those times mum.

Just an FYI for you folk that have no idea what I'm on about, England Rugby teams second game jersey for the world cup is black. With a red rose on it & maori patterns. It deserves it's place on my shit list because it is EPICALLY SHITHOUSE.

NB: I still love English people. My love for the black jersey just makes me do some crazy shit ya'll.

12: Electric Shocks
When I was a kid I used to get growled at for kicking things all the time. The fact was, there was a very legit reason for the kicking, I detest electric shocks. I've never understood the science behind them, mainly because I don't care, but for some reason, I get zapped off frigging everything.

Car door, door handles, keys, faucet handles, people, animals, light switches, my laptop, the fridge, bird cages, my microphone the list goes on.......................because of this obvious electrical infliction I have I am constantly test smacking stuff before I grab it. I look like a mental but dam it I will avoid getting zapped at all cost.

One time I kissed my niece hello (I didn't test smack her first) & zapped her a banger on her little lips. She cried & I'm pretty certain that's why she only tolerates me in small doses. Because I hurt her. What an asshole. Anyone else have this problem?

I am feeling below par, & I would just like to say after reading all your comments, I am so stoked I have never had a urinary tract infection, or pink eye in both eyes. Because I hear it's way worse than a shitty old head cold. Jeeze I don't what you guys get up to ay.........maybe stopping boning so much & protect your pillows from rampant faecal dust? Someone told me you get the pink eye from people baffing on your pillows?

Thanks for the love though you's fullas.



  1. That's quite the shit list, Bex! haha Husbands can not put things away properly. Period. My husband can wash laundry but lord help him if he has to fold or put stuff away. And dishes? haha If he puts them away he puts them away wet. So, I just don't let him do that.

  2. I think Pink Eye is just an american thing, and yes I hear its from touching poo, i think they do alot of poo touching over there because kieran always gets pink eye when he goes to the US

    Also I think this round of NZ next top model is so hideously ugly, surely we have prettier people in nz?

  3. Ok I will admit to having an undercut at the age of 8! But you need to take into account the fact that I grew up in Mot and thats just what we inflict on our young:)

  4. At last!!! I have found another who gets fricken electric shocks off EVERYTHING! Ben mocks the shit outta me for doing my retarded hand flick thing before i touch anything that might shock me. I flick my wrist and hit the possible shock item with my fingernail a few times before attempting to grab it. I dont care how dumb it looks or how many people are waiting behind me to go thru the potential to zap me door, its gotta be done! Loving the shit list this week :)

  5. I can put things away properly. And I am a husband.

  6. Hate the haters. Who is it? Want somebody to fly over there and kick the shit out of them? People who are prolific and not afraid to take risks in what they say or do for the FREE benefit of others are always going to be the target of some hate. Fuck them. Double Fuck Them. Double Dog Fuck Them.

    Just the other day I had a guy write my first dissenting comment of my blog history, and I was psyched. A dissenter, I thought. Let's see what he has to say. Let's have us a good old-fashioned debate.

    Turns out the guy is bitching about my post "Why You Shouldn't Discourage Your Child From Watching Porn" and about how telling kids it's OK to watch porn is the same as child abuse when in the post I NEVER SAID IT WAS OK FOR KIDS TO WATCH PORN.

    And this from a guy who actually admitted -- ACTUALLY FUCKING ADMITTED -- that he'd watched child porn in his life. Like he'd done it on a regular basis.

    Anyway, would that all the assholes were so obvious.

    Keep your head up, Bex.

    And for fuck's sake, blow your goddamn nose! Get a coat hanger. Whatever. Nobody should have to live with that.

  7. Ha, ha, are too funny.

    Regarding the idiotic smiling, I had a boss once tell me, "You don't smile enough and you scare people". There had been complaints. I just looked at him and promised to smile more. After 3 days of smiling my ass off people were asking me if I were planning to hurt them. Can't win.

    Also, I'm with wagthedad, double dog fuck the haters. It's way more important that you keep me laughing.

  8. 1. In January this year I spent eleven hours on a flight from the UK to Jamaica, and the twat in the seat in front put his seat in the reclined position the whole way. I'm six foot eight. Being struck by lightning would at least have helped to pass the knee-crushingly endless flight.
    2. I'm filing a civil case against you for being so funny I soiled my new pants.
    3. Agree. Get a room.
    5. Shaved = ok. Hair = ok. Mixture = muppet.
    5. Guilty as charged. My wife despairs of me on an almost daily basis. If not hourly.
    6. Garlic is a great decongestant. If eating it fails, ramming a clove up each nostril stops the whistling.
    7. :)
    8. Don't get me started. I live in constant threat of being lost before my prime under a shoe-valanche.
    9. Ew.
    10. And I thought our last royal wedding was depressing...
    11. I said it elsewhere but for the benefit of your readers, the black is because we're in mourning for yet another brilliant sport that we invented and are now shit at...
    12. I wish I was that kid from X-men who could take other people's powers on ... sometimes I'd sell my soul for the ability to electrocute people with my touch.

  9. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!! And I love your writing. Your blog is hysterical and it always makes me laugh and smile and just feel darn good about my shitty life (not that I mean that YOU have a shit life, just make me forget about how UGH my life is in this shit country I live in as I giggle and chortle through your entries).

    By the way, my husband does the same damn thing with the dishes WHEN he puts them away. He never does chores around the house unless I hound him or tell him I won't have sex with him if he doesn't (insert chore here). The other day, he couldn't figure out how to vacuum. Like...WHAT?! Jesus. Idiot. And I rarely, if ever, ask him to help out too because he'll fuck it up and I'll just have to come along afterwards and re-do it the right way. Yea...dude pretends not to know where to put things just so he doesn't have to use his brain to think of anything other than hard-ons and his stupid iPhone.

    I love you. I really do.

  10. @Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie I could make a list a mile long of all the things my man does that drives me mental. But you know what, I love him muthafucking hard.

  11. @punkbaby I'm disappointed Katie. I was expecting a massive tirade of hate on NZNTM. Cos you know I know how much you & me both hate on that show & the retards that go on it.

    I always thought pink eye was American thing too. I learnt that from South Park.

  12. @emmarose82 Em you took the words right out of mouth. I think we need a blog post called 'Normally retarded things that aren't retarded in Mot'. Bloody love Mot.

  13. @mrs_mr Mrs Mister, so stoked someone out there has the same issues. It plagues me hardout. You would think by now I would be used to them but I'm not. And I can't kick shit like I used to when I was a kid. The old leg don't get up so high now.

  14. @Wagthedad You have 4 children. You have to be a good husband or your wife will castrate you.

    Dude you are so on my smack down team! I read the comment of which you speak. That man probably shouldn't be sharing that shit with the cyber universe, although I'm glad he did because apart from tearing into you, I now have another reason to hate him. Sick fuck.

  15. @Nan S. I can't believe they told you to smile more. I pride myself on being a grumpy asshole at work. It's what makes me good at my job. Especially when I have to look after 40+ grown men all day.

    Chur for the love Nan. Did you get your coffe table coasters?

  16. @socialassassin Bitch you is tall!! Seriously I would be up to your waist? And you should have rammed his seat back into his spine. Or suffocated him while he slept.

    I flew 17 hours from Sydney to Dubai in the height of my fatness. It nearly killed me. NEVER again.

    re: The black jersey. Noted. Fair comment.

    Apologies for pants soiling. I have that effect on people. Atleast I'm not making you jizz in them. My husband wouldn't like that.

    Ramming of garlic up nostril will be taking place tomorrow if I wake up in the morning & don't have full breathing rights.

  17. @Chubby McGee A song came to mind upon reading your comment.....You Light Up My Life (Streisands version).

    If we ever meet oneday, & I hope like hell we do, you & I are going to duet that fucker on karaoke xx

  18. Amber doesn't even Smize right.

  19. Mrs Social AssasinJuly 20, 2011 at 4:19 AM

    Hi Bex, Having been introduced to your blog by my (socially assassinating) husband, I have been reading (and sniggering) my way through your blog back catlogue, and loving it.....just wanted to say Hi! and hope your cold is better! I totally concur on point number 5, but I LOVE ridiculous shoes - sorry! But then, being as my husband is so tall if I didn't wear them i'd look like some kind of midget! Well, that's my excuse and i'm sticking to it.....Hope all is well in NZ xx
    PS - Husband, if you're reading this..... touch my shoe-valance, and the guitar gets it!! x

  20. Lol yes Bex lets totally start one!

  21. @Mrs Social Assasin Woah a husband & wife team. Good shit! He gave me the low down on his height so the shoe-valanche totally makes sense. And even if he was the same heigh as you, sho-valanche would still make sense.

    As I remind my husband almost daily, I own the vagina, I have majority share of the power.

    Thanks for reading Mrs SA. And it's a pleasure & an honor to make you snig. Call me the sniggerazzi x

  22. @Angie Quite right she does not. I say we punch the bitch?

  23. I kid you not, whenever I am about to touch anything even remotely metal, I lead with the knuckles on my hand. I get zapped every time as well. I like to think we're special people, filled with special magic power that only appears when we get around doorknobs and the like.

  24. @Dustin Dude imagine what would happen if our powers combined. We'd set the world on fire.

  25. I am with you on the quasi-shave head. I know a smoking hot girl who did the same thing. It just looks like she fell face first into a weed whacker. Except she chose to do it. Dumb. Not attractive.

    I too get electrocuted on the reg, but only during the winter when everything is dry. It's awful. You probably have it worse than me.

    Keep on keeping on,

  26. Oh - also, husbands being incapable of kitchen tasks? No doubt. We do not have a garbage disposal in our sink. He does not understand this. I wind up scooping soggy noodles, pieces of meat, whole green beans, and other disgusting mushy particles of old soggy food out of the drain constantly. Also, he thinks it is okay to put paper towels and empty water bottles in the sink. Why? Why do they do this?


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