I not a huge fan of flying but I will suck it up & do it anyway if it's the only mode of transport available to get me to my destination. However you won't find me leading a conga line of joy down the aisles.
Thankfully the plane was landed safely some place I'm not 100% sure of. And the scared shitless passengers were then hoarded on to another plane to continue on their journey. As a gesture of goodwill, good old Air NZ gave the passengers one free drink each. Nothing says 'awesome, I'm so glad you didn't die today' like a free drink. I would be demanding danger money. Shitheads.
2. Haters. AKA people who have chronic asshole disease.
I've been the target of some hate & assholism this week involving my blog & my bosses & someone that clearly doesn't like me for whatever reason that may be. This someone is a person that I've trusted in the past, has been a friend, co-worker & even invited to my wedding. Not sure what their beef is but regardless of all the unwanted drama, it's come to nothing. Because I haven't actually done anything wrong. A lawyer has even verified that point on my behalf.
I nearly let it get to me but thought better of it. I'm guilt free & won't sink to the malicious game playing level to which she has sunk. Cos you know what, I am way better than that.
I get that not everyone is going to like or agree with the things I write about. Solution.....Do yourself & me a favour, DON'T READ IT! It's that easy.
3. People with facebook profile pics of them pashing their lover/boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/he-bitch
I get it ok, someone fucking likes you. Congratulations. Are you really that much of a douche that you need to parade you & your beloveds spittle exchange as your profile picture? I don't want to see that shit! Do you know what I do if someone does this.....I delete their ass. Because they just earned themselves 100 retard points on Becky's scale of cool. And god help you if I see tongue.
5. Half shaved heads. Back in the 80's & early 90's I remember very clearly a style of hair cut called 'The Undercut'. The undercut was a statement haircut that told the world 'I'm so badass & clearly don't give a fuck about anything'. It consisted of someone (usually their mum) shaving all their hair away from around the base of the crown & leaving all the long hair hanging down from the top. I thought it was absolute shit house & subsequently teased & de-friend anyone who attempted to rock it that henious hair crime. Most of the boys (& a couple experimental girls) in my hood had it done. Dicks.
Fast forward nearly 20 years later & hello...............
5: Husbands that empty the dishwasher & leave the contents sitting on the kitchen bench. For days.
Don't think I need to reiterate on this much. My man, bless him, empties the dishwasher. That's his chore. And while I appreciate his help, he never ever puts the actual dishes away. Instead he leaves them sitting on the bench 'to dry'. It's like he selectively forgets where everything goes.
I've decided to put a sign on the front of the dishwasher drawer. This isn't the best photo representation but just before I took this he put all our plastic containers that had been sitting on the bench for the last week back in the cupboard in which it belongs. Don't even get me started on why he must have 50 different varieties of herbal tea. It all just taste like hot flower water to me.
6: The Whistley Nose. I have been plagued with a rogue bogie the last few days that seems to be hiding high up in my nasal cavity. At night when I'm in bed asleep & breathing in/out my nose, it causes me to sound like a modern day pied piper. Except small children don't follow me dancing gaily down the road. Instead I have an angry sleep deprived husband who lays beside me trying to contemplate how humane it is to suffocate your wife while she sleeps. He reckons last night I whistled Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. I didn't even know I knew that one?
7: People who can't stop smiling. Seriously being happy is not the issue here. Having a constant smarmy grin plastered on your goofy face 24/7 is so bloody annoying. I remember in my experimental days of old once taking a herbal high called Smileys. Apart from grinding my teeth down to powder, having limitless amounts of energy, & the I want to kill myself depression of the come down, I have never smiled so much in my entire life. Hence the name 'Smiley'. Seriously, that night, my whole family could have been murdered & I wouldn't be able to NOT smile. This is the sort of non stop smiling I can't handle. People who will smile on through the shitballs of misery.
Here is an example of someone who can't stop smiling & annoys the fuck out of me.
Her name is Amber. She is a contestant on New Zealand's Next Top Model. Yes we have one. And it's bad.
I want to punch her just to see if she will stop smiling. I don't believe she will. It's not a mega watt smile but it's consistant. Like all the motherflippin time.
If you would like to see an entire 2:30 minutes worth of Amber smiling her head, please go HERE. This will only play to NZ residents. Not sure why.
Amber needs to express her emotions through facial expression. Or just do nothing at all. Like this guy, also a fellow NZNTM contestant.
I love everybody but that is shit load of big boofy ginga right there.
8: Muthafucking RIDICULOUS shoes.
This is another fashion fuck up that I don't get. When I go out, I like to have a good time. Preferably without killing myself in the process. Remember how I always go on about hazards etc, well bitches some of you wear the hazards. On your feet.
And when I hear stories of people twisting ankles/breaking their face/falling down a flight of stairs......I laugh on the inside. Not an evil laugh. More of a mild tsk tsk shake of the head disappointed I'm smarter than you laugh.
Why am I smarter than you.....because I wear sensible shoes when I'm drunk. I remove the hazard right from the get go. And dudes I have worn heels out & I walk like one of those unfortunate muscular dystrophy kids. I don't want to be disrespectful by clearly walking exactly like them when I don't even have it. That's just mean.
9: Ecuadorian food markets. They eat hamsters.
Along with the food network channel, that we have already ascertained in a previous post is my porn, I also watch a lot of the Travel Channel. Particularly in winter when I need to be dragged kicking & screaming from my house everyday just to go to work. I love seeing all the places in the world you can go & fantasising about how I may one day go there too.
I won't be going to Ecuador. In Ecuador they eat Hamsters. Which you buy still alive & all hamstery from the local food markets. Along with baby chickens, ducks, normal sized chickens, goats, cows etc. I died a little bit on the inside watching this. You buy the animal alive. Which means you have to do the slaughtering.
I then got shown step by step how to prepare the hamster Ecuadorian styles. It's skinned, gutted & deep fried. With it's head still on. I won't be going to Ecuador. Ever. Not even if someone paid for me to go. In my country, we don't eat hamster. Or any other household pet. Savages.
Just so you know I'm not lying, here is a photo of BBQ Hamster. If you have one as a pet or love animals hardout, I suggest you look away now & scroll the fuck down.
10: That South African chick who cried basically the entire way through her wedding to that ugly ass Prince whoever. She look like she wanted to die.
In my country, plastering every single woman's mag on the stands is various photo's of this bitch crying. On my wedding day I cried happy tears for about 1 minute when saying my wedding vows. After that I could not wipe the shit eating grin off my face (non drug induced). It was to date the happiest day of my life.
Princess Charlotte looked like she was going to her own execution. Fair play lady. If I was marrying that sack of baldy ass I would be crying too. I hate to say it but you really didn't think this one through Charlotte.
11: England Rugby Teams second rugby jersey for the world cup.
I flaming piss mad about this one. So mad that I can't write anything. My mum tells me sometimes it's best to say nothing at all when you're that angry. This is one of those times mum.
Just an FYI for you folk that have no idea what I'm on about, England Rugby teams second game jersey for the world cup is black. With a red rose on it & maori patterns. It deserves it's place on my shit list because it is EPICALLY SHITHOUSE.
NB: I still love English people. My love for the black jersey just makes me do some crazy shit ya'll.
12: Electric Shocks
When I was a kid I used to get growled at for kicking things all the time. The fact was, there was a very legit reason for the kicking, I detest electric shocks. I've never understood the science behind them, mainly because I don't care, but for some reason, I get zapped off frigging everything.
Car door, door handles, keys, faucet handles, people, animals, light switches, my laptop, the fridge, bird cages, my microphone the list goes on.......................because of this obvious electrical infliction I have I am constantly test smacking stuff before I grab it. I look like a mental but dam it I will avoid getting zapped at all cost.
One time I kissed my niece hello (I didn't test smack her first) & zapped her a banger on her little lips. She cried & I'm pretty certain that's why she only tolerates me in small doses. Because I hurt her. What an asshole. Anyone else have this problem?
I am feeling below par, & I would just like to say after reading all your comments, I am so stoked I have never had a urinary tract infection, or pink eye in both eyes. Because I hear it's way worse than a shitty old head cold. Jeeze I don't what you guys get up to ay.........maybe stopping boning so much & protect your pillows from rampant faecal dust? Someone told me you get the pink eye from people baffing on your pillows?
Thanks for the love though you's fullas.