Monday, July 25, 2011

Down here in Grumpy Asshole Street, I vomed in the shower & punched my alarm in the scrotum.

I am not still being raped by the head cold. That packed it's shit up & moved on. But sadly not on to my smug husband like I'd hoped. I literally licked his face while he slept & hid used tissues inside his pillow case. I don't know how I possibly could have failed not infecting his ninja's. Time will tell. He says it's because he doesn't eat the meat. It's given him special powers.

I've been quiet the last few days. Not on purpose just so you know. I wish I had an awesome story of why I've been MIA from blogland my bitches but truth is, I've been a working my ass off. Like really work worked ALL weekend. Not I'm at work, pretending to work whilst wiling away the hours playing bejewelled on Facebook & writing about poos on my blog type 'work'. I worked. I worked so hard that if there was a medal for the hardest worker in all of the land this weekend, I would totally been stepping up to claim that shit right now.

Then last night, after I'd worked ALL day, we had a staff farewell party. My workmates are losing their jobs next weekend. It's so sad because I love these people. They are my friends & my job would have been impossible if it wasn't for them. And I'm also a little bit sad because I've been promoted o I am the only one that gets to stay on. And I feel guilty as fuck about it. (my issue, build a bridge yadda yadda)

No one knows how to drop a party like taxi drivers. There was A LOT of alcohol. So much alcohol that if we had party's for the next 10 weekends there would still be some left over. I had to get up at 5am this morning for work, so I kept my drinking to a minimum. Which basically meant I could still walk when I called a cab home at 9pm. I don't remember much about coming home or getting into bed at all but Blake said I was singing Under Pressure by Bowie/Queen. Loudly. And I took all my clothes off. Woo. So glad I waited til I got home to do that.

And when my alarm went off at 5am this morning I threw it across the room with such force that the whole front part has fallen off & my deep sleeping husband got such a fright from the bang that he may or may not have slightly defecated in his man panties. I can't confirm or deny that accusation. I also vaguely remember yakking in the shower.

I've got a busy week ahead. Working my ass off actually. Birthday celebrations on Friday/Saturday, then Sunday evening I'm off to Wellington for a week for work. I get to stay & spend time with my best beatch who I haven't seen since the start of the year. She is my soul sister & I miss her so much some days my chest hurts. I am so excited to see her that I literally have to be restrained to prevent me from screaming at strangers in the face when they walk by me.

Kylie & I squeal a lot when we're together. We also laugh like hyenas & get growled at for laughing/squealing too loud. She is ringing me tonight after dinner so we can talk about what shoes I should bring & how much money I'm going to spend at City Chic.

Mrs & Mrs Fanny Mangles x

When I'm busy like this, the funny part of my brain shuts down temporarily. All I have is a blurry mass of figures, & mental lists of really really important of things I have to remember to do in the next few days. I get home from work & am suddenly dyslexic. I struggle hard to string together a sensible series of words, so Blake & I have developed our own version of sign language. This means no.......

I'm so on top of everything right now. For now.

However, mixed in with all this crazy non funny brain mess is a incredibly deep deep sadness. I'm in mourning for all those beautiful souls that were shot in Norway. Why in the fuck would someone do that? I cried watching the news tonight. Sometimes I really think I have too much hope for this world we live in.

Has anyone else cried like me? We're all friends here. Share your grief with me. But If you cried more because Winehouse overdosed then we can't be friends right now.

Mad loves & virtual non sexual cyber hugs to all my blog friends.
I want to hug the shit out of everyone I love right now.

P.S Funny, vulgar, ranty Becky will be back on Wednesday. Underneath all the excess, she's actually just a really sensitive guy.


  1. Haha your blog is hilarious! So glad I found it :-)... and happy birthday for Saturday - wow, we're almost the same age! And two rraow Leos hehe xx

  2. Im very Jelly Belly over you getting to spend time with Kylie!!! So please give her a lot of man handling from me:)

  3. The shower is the perfect vom location! Wash away the disgust and the vomit at the same time. I don't see it as a problem. More than anything it shows that you were successful! Bravo you!

  4. Wow, that's what you call keeping your drinking to a minimum? You are a rock star!

    Don't believe your hubby when he says not eating meat gives him special powers. I catch colds like anybody else. In fact, some assholes like to say "Maybe if you ate meat you wouldn't get sick." And to them, I use the baby sign language for "no". ;)

  5. I never realized that the shower is like the modern answer to the vomitorium-- the fabled room the ancient Romans would use for their post-prandial purging. Of course, now you barf in the shower and people call you bulimic or alcoholic. Judgmental bastards. I am ROMAN!

  6. Your hubby's ninjas have superpowers because of the fruit smoothies! The Norway thing is so bizarre and tragic. What a monster to do what he did.

  7. You are a working ROCKSTAR. Possibly you need a trophy as well.

    Norway=me having breakdowns every time I watch the news. Usually the man beast enforces* a news ban when something likes this happen because I get so fucking obsessed and despondent.

    *Only because I benevolently allow it


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