What do I do if a strangers kid calls me a fat ass?
My eldest niece used to enjoy telling people that the reason my ass was so big was because I ate all the chocolate biscuits. It was a great joke. While she was quite right, the raging psycho fat lady buried deep inside my bottom wanted to flat out smash her. But I never would because I love her like I loved those chocolate biscuits.
However, if a strangers kid starts mouthing off re: my excess me-ness, I would lay that shit down, quick smart. People says kids can't help calling people out on their obvious physical afflictions, I say that's bullshit. Teach your kids some manners.
One time, during the worst year of my life, I worked in a bulk food store for all of 2 weeks. Whilst re-filling the Quinoa bin (what the hell is Quinoa?), a small child that had been watching me turned to his mother & said, out loud, 'mum, why is that lady fat?'.
She laughed (yes she did) & said 'insert boys name here as I can't remember it right now, everyone is made different my love'.
Fuck that. I turned to the child & in the quietest creepiest voice possible said 'your mum is wrong. It's because I eat too many little boys'. I stuck my bum out & rubbed it like it was full of magic secrets, looked the little guy right in the face & mouthed 'this is where they go'. He got upset, they left & I quit that shit job. But seriously go on & use that line. If parents can't teach their children good manners, scare manners in to them with lies & monster stories.
What if I need to poo at work?
It surprises me how many people will not shit at their place of work. Males seem to have no probs with this at all (especially the dudes I work with), but the ladies, oh the ladies, they get all weird about poo in the workplace.
You can't time bowel movements, unless you have magic powers. Mine has no schedule. Most of the time it saves it's grand appearance for home time. Me personally, I am old school when it comes to dumping. If you need to poo, you poo. Regardless of where you may be. (apart from in a swimming pool).
Many of my girlfriends however, will not poo at work. They refuse to. These friends also have never farted in their lives. When they share this with me, I feign horror & laugh at them. Then proceed to lecture them about how bad not poo-ing when you need to poo is on the body.
I'm here to tell you that mudding at work is ok. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. Here are some important tips if you're a shy worker shitter.
- Do not stand up & announce to the masses that you are departing the room because you are off to lay down some dirty browns in the toilet bowl. Sneak out. Make yourself as unnoticeable as possible.
- Poo quickly. You can trick people into thinking that there is no way in hell you just shat right now due to the super quickness of your toilet visit. Practice at home. Time yourself.
- You will never be fast if you use a whole roll of toilet paper every time you crap. Remember, scrimping on the bog paper means speed. But be reasonable. Don't mess on yourself.
- If someone walks in to use the neighbouring toilet stall while you have a bum nugget bungy jumping from your botty, grab the end of the toilet paper & pull as loudly as possible in order to create a high decibel sound disguise. At the very same time, squeeze like your life depended on it & get that clacker out. Whatever you do, do not freeze like a possum in a spotlight. If you do this, the bathroom will become so ridiculously quiet, & your escaped jobby will choose that moment to splash loudly in to the porclain bowl. It happens EVERY time.
- Always blame someone else for the smell. This is particularly easy to do if you share one toilet with 40+ people. If someone walks in while you are walking out of the work lav here is what to say. " I wouldn't go in there if I were you, insert name here just dropped their guts not 5 minutes ago. I am so tough I can weather any shit storm". This will of course bring forth an expression & head shake of disgust on their face towards the faux turd criminal plus they will think you are the toughest bitch out. Don't feel bad. You will unknowingly be blamed for a toilet smell more than once in your working life.
- After you've finished your business, clean the toilet. Use toilet cleaner. It will slightly help with disguising the smell.
- Lastly spray the fuck out of the toilet with any pleasant smelling odour spraying device you can get your hands on. Some say that spraying makes it smell worse, but lets be honest, nothing can smell worse than the rancid stench of what just came out of your bottom. At least you will get a point for making the effort. If there's no toilet spray in your work toilet, deodorant will do the trick. Window cleaner or bug spray will also suffice.
- Go back to your desk & pretend like nothing just happened.
Someone has the biggest boog I have ever seen hanging out the end of their nose. Do I tell them?
If you haven't already yakked all over their face in revolt, I think it's good manners to let them know. A few years ago one of my mates had a big one hanging out his nose. He had no idea.
We worked together in a music store & I noticed his 'flapper' from the other side of the store, when he was in the middle of serving a good looking lass. He was flirting with her & I was rolling on the floor of the office absolutely hosing myself. After she left I told him about his public nose crime & he nearly cried. I felt bad but what was I going to do, call him out in front of the girl & embarrass him even more? No, I waited till we had some alone time.
If it's someone you know, tell them. If it's someone you don't know, tell them. If it's someone you don't like very much, don't tell them. Whatever you do, make sure you tell the person quietly & never yell it at the person across a packed school bus. No, I never did that. Ok I did.
Someone made a period in their pants. Do I tell them?
YES!! Oh god yes tell them. There is only one time when telling them is not acceptable. And that's if you, the person noticing the vag murder stain, has a penis. No dicks can tell a lady she has leaked. It's not allowed. Unless it's your wife or girlfriend & she isn't a knife wielding psycho at that time of the month when her hormones go up the wazoo.
I told a woman once that she had some visible leakage. I was 17 & she'd come in to my work to do some shopping. I lent her my jersey to tie around her waist so she could walk back to her car without anyone noticing.
This can either go one of two ways. Badly or Awesome.
If it goes badly, you won't know because before you've had time to close you mouth, your soul will be leaving your body via the gaping stab wound in your chest. If it goes awesome, they will hug the shit out of you & there may be tears. Or a prize.
I'm in a taxi/on a bus, I have a stomach bug & I'm about to shit my pants. What do I do?
This is bad. Like the worst thing that could possibly happen to you next to sitting in front of a screaming baby on an airplane while being shot repeatedly with a nail gun. And there is nothing you can do about it.
But you can prevent this ultimate shame from occuring. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE! Even if you are dying & need emergency medical help, call an ambulance. You can shit your ass off uncontrollably inside an ambulance. Those guys are trained to deal with those sort of accidents. While it will still be the most embarrassing thing you will ever do in your life, it's better to do it in front of people who have seen worse. Not inside a public transport vehicle filled with judgey strangers with feelings & weak stomachs.
Someone I do not like at all has asked me out on a date & I don't want to hurt their feelings by saying no. What would you do?
Say no you asshole. If you say yes & agree to go on a date with this person, you are the worse kind of swamp bog scum on the planet. You are such bad scum that wild pigs wouldn't even shit on your face. And wild pigs are pretty dam gross.
How do I know this? Because I got face raped by a dead one that was hanging up in my sisters unlit car port early one morning after being out on the booze. Nothing can prepare you for that sort of terror. Nothing.
My husband used to work with a guy called Peaches. Peaches was a tall gangly nerd boy with a really nice personality. Peaches was in love with Amanda. Amanda also worked with Blake. Amanda was pretty, semi popular & had no acne. She liked to text at work & said LOL out loud. (hate you Amanda). Anyway Peaches asked Amanda out on a date & she said yes but when the day of the great date came, she stood Peaches up. Peaches was so gutted he didn't come to work for about a week & when he did come back he wouldn't talk to anyone. It turned out Amanda was doofing Steve from the store room & was never planning on going out with Peaches anyway. She just didn't know how to say no. That motherfucking bitch whore.
I hate Amanda. Blake pointed her out to me one day & then restrained me from high tailing it across the store to kick her blond LOLing ass. I hugged Peaches. He stood with his arms by his sides showing no emotion at all as he got hugged by me, Blake's strange wife.
Peaches will find love one day. He is named after a fruit for shit sake, how could he not?