Thursday, September 29, 2011

For Johi. What is a hoe. What is not a hoe.

I got a friend named Jesus, no I lie, her name is Johi. But she's pretty close to Jesus, especially when she rocks her motherflippin green leisure suit. And if you ever need to know anything about corn or pork, Johi is your gal. She is also a very funny bitch. Check her out yo, I'm sure you will love her sweet country ass as much as I do.

I dream of the day when Johi from Iowa can serenade me with Willie Nelsons version of Blue Eyes Cryin in the Rain, (Johi do you play the guitar?) while smokin some 'Willie Nelson' & learning how to rope me some beef.

I told Johi, & all the girls in the world that it's ok to stab a hoe when you're on your rag. While I don't condone actual stabbing, acting it out in your head is quite fine.

Anyway, she wrote me a Dear Becky message asking me to clarify 'what is good stabbing hoe'.

For you my Johi Jo Jo (I could say your name all day long) & all you other whores needing some confirmation of what I construe a hoe to be, read on. I know all this hoe business is dam confusing but trust me, I'm bang fucking on about this.

You want the down low on the hoe, ask the fool who knows. Word. (did you just rap that in your head?)

THIS IS A HOE. A GARDEN HOE = NO STAB.
ALSO A GARDEN HOE = STAB
(In our defence, she had a meat cleaver in her hand when we got there)

HOE ON WHEELS = NO STAB

HOE ON WHEELS = STAB
(with the heel of her ugly ass hoe shoes. It's easier when they supply their own weapon)

GOLDIE HOE = NO STAB


GOLDIE HOE = DEFINITELY STAB
(seriously this shit writes itself)

FORKING HOE = NO STAB

FORKING HOE = STAB
MAN HOE = NO STAB
(old & undie hoeing, kinda deserves a stab maybe?)

MAN HOE = STAB AWAY
image stolen from here
DIRTY HOE = NO STAB
(ok so in digger machine land, this is called a 'back hoe' & in this photo it's knee deep in mud. Hey I do my research right)

DIRTY HOE = STAB STAB STAB
(She looks ready for a good knife fight)

OLD HOE = NO STAB
  
OLD HOE = STAB
(But do it nicely ok)

In other news, all the Nana's & man Nana's are losing their shit all over the country, because Coronation Street is changing times on our local TV network. 

Coro used to screen Tuesday/Thursday nights at 7:30pm for an hour. TV1 has decided to replace it with Masterchef Australia & instead Coro will now screen Monday to Friday at 5:30pm for half an hour. My parents go apeshit for Coro. As you can imagine, this change has not pleased them either. There is a friggin uproar & bevy of hate mail being sent to TV1. Such comments as.....

"Suck a dick TV1! You are ruining my life" (I actually made this one up, but it's good yeah?)

"Sleep with one eye open motherfuckers. I'm coming for your throat with a hoe". (I made this one up too)

"What an absolutely ridiculous time slot. 'Have a Heart' TV 1, some of us are not even home from work at that time. I'd like to add that those of us who do a hard day's work who are avid "Coro Street" fans, do very much look forward to watching our Tuesday and Thursday night episodes. Who wants to watch 'more cooking programmes', after a day at work and cooking a meal. Definitely not ME! Linda (Coro Fan)"

My mum actually wrote the last one. I personally think she should have let me write it for her.

Me, well I hate Coro Street with a passion but not as much as I hate Ballroom Dancing. And I hate the fuck out of ballroom dancing. The higher power that be TV1 is basically telling all the NZ Coro fans to suck a fuck & this is how it's gonna be.

Speaking of my mum, I got an email from her the other day containing content which both surprised me & cracked my shit up. My mum likes to tell me off for swearing in my blog all the time & has never really gotten her head around my constant need to write about poo & my constant poo problems.

I think I get my vulgar sense of humour from my Dad. However the email she sent me made me realise that I got a faint smack of her deep rooted humour as well.

My mum sent me 2 photo's of shit. No lie. See for yourself.



What I find most humorous about the fact she emailed me photo's of shit, is that she actually stopped, got her iPhone out of her handbag, & made the effort to do this for me. This in itself is a mean feat because her iPhone is usually buried about 10 metres down the bottom of her near bursting handbag beneath all her lady business.

She said in her email, "thought you might be able to use these, lol". Awesome.

Mum I love you hard. And I'm sorry about the Coro drama & that it is inconveniencing you. Next time, get me to write the letter for you. I'm really good at it.

Any of you fullas got some other hoe ideas? Lets make a picture book!! OR when I write & publish my "To All The Girls In The World: How to be your best adult self" book, we can dedicate a whole chapter to hoe stabbing. 

Peace!

P.S If you are a Ballroom dancer, sleep with one eye open. I'm coming for your throat with a hoe.

11 comments:

  1. I know plenty of back hoes! Dirty back hoes to be precise.

    I wish my mom would send me pictures with her phone... unfortunately she's still confused with hitting the send button. Your mom ROCKS!

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  2. I remember the huge up roar when they went from 5 nights of Coro down to 2 nights! So really you would think people would be happy to get it 5 nights again but bet the sales of mysky go through the roof!

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  3. THANK YOU~ I feel so much wiser now. And I firmly believe that anyone that wrinkly who decides to wear such tiny underwear outside deserves to be stabbed.
    Off to go practice playing the guitar... I feel a You Tube video in the making.

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  4. your mum definitely rocks the awesome.... you're very lucky!!

    over here in Canada.. we usually spell the "bad" ho without the 'e' to make it easier for others to know which one is the bad ho and which one is the good hoe.

    don't know if that makes a difference or not .. but it's just how we do it.. or at least how I do it in Canada.

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  5. What the crap!

    I love the hoe pictures. I mean, the gardening instrument, not the STD ridden meatsleeve cumdumpsters. :)

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  6. haha Your mom is awesome. That is true parental love. :)

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  7. I'm so glad you cleared the ho/hoe issue up, now I know who to direct my butter knife toward.

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  8. Damn it. Now I know why it's been taking me so long to ho my vegetable patch. Cheers Bex!!

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  9. Johi is rad as shit, and now I know she snaps mad shit pics too. Girl got skillz!

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  10. Ahhh, Iowa. My home state. Plenty of hoes.

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  11. I now feel as if I have been fully educated as to which type of hos need the stabbing. But must I still do it just in my mind? Seems a waste of good education if you ask me.

    The fact that your mom sent you pics of shit is just magical. My mom doesn't even know that her phone has a camera option. Don't even get me started on texting/emailing. Can your mom adopt me?

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