Together Forever. in a box - Soft Toy Pee & Poo
I nearly squirted in my pants with excitement. No lie.
I then looked at the price, because clearly this would be something the poo blog queen MUST OWN, & nearly spewed on my computer screens face because woah man who woulda thought that wees & poos would be so expensive.
And who comes up with this riotous hilarity you ask?! The Euros. Those whackydoodaa Euros. Those 'hey there's some sun, lets get our tits out' Euros. The very same 'lets get all mongrel & grow ferocious hairy minge bush' Euros. I love them & I want to go live with them & be their friend. Because anyone who can turn a shit in to a soft toy is motherfucking awesome in my book.
However I won't be doing any of this with my Euro friends.
WHACKO EURO'S HAVING NAKED FUN WITH TIN FOIL
WHACKO EURO MEN HAPPY & NAKED IN A SAUNA
I WILL DEFINTELY NOT BE PARTICIPATING IN NAKED MODEL
WHACKO EURO SANDY BOTTOM PHOTO (because clearly I would own this shit show)
NOR WILL I BE SWIMMING IN THE DIRTY RIVER WITH THESE
ELDERLY WHACKO EUROS
You bet your ass I'm buying myself those plush wees & poos toys. Just because if I didn't I would be an epic FAIL. The catch is, I can't tell my husband that I bought them for myself because he would be piss mad at me for wasting money on 'stupid things'. He just doesn't understand my craft. So for the love of christ, I need one of you bitches to be an alibi for me.
Here's how it will go.
I will send the pee&poo present to myself to my work address. Then I will bring them home & say 'hey baby, look I got some fan mail. Because HELL to the fucking O, this could SO happen. Completely viable lie right there! If anyone wants to lie with me please send me an email. Preferably one saying how awesome I am & that you are sending me a present from Sweden. Got it?
If, by chance my flawless plan fails, I am thinking of purchasing these.
ANOTHER GENIUS SWISS INVENTION - FUNDIE PANTS
One thing I have learnt while being married to a younger man. Sex will fix anything. Sex & xbox games.
And if he's still doesn't forgive me for being a lying sneaky whore, I will probably get this.
POO IN A CAN aka SPRAY CACAS
And I will be leaving this giant faux shit (that resembles a large coiled beef sausage) on his pillow. Cos that's how I roll. I only offer one chance for forgiveness. Besides I have offered him my vag for life, he should be more grateful.
Right I'm off to get my tits out, grow a mongrel fanny bush & watch me some rugby.
I haven't actually bought Pee & Poo yet. Hands up if you think I should?
P.S To my funny as fuck friend Shane at Wag the Dad (seriously read his stuff. He's an American living life in Germany & he cracks my shit up hard), the sexy Swiss lady bottom photo is for you. My pleasure.