Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I murdered people in my head today.

Tuesday has been difficult.

People always tell me I shouldn't stress so much at work, because 'it's just not worth it'. Well they can go fuck themselves.

If anyone would like to step in to my work shoes for a day, I'd welcome you with arms wide open. And if at the end of that day, you told me I shouldn't stress because 'it's just not worth it', I would slice you into a thousand pieces of asshole with my machete death stare.


First of all, someone shat in the work toilet today (not once, but three times) & left me to stew in their stench. But not before stopping by my desk to tell me their life problems & whinge at me because they are too fat & apparently don't fit their work shirt any more. My eyes said piss off but the rest of my face must have said please share your woes with me, while I try not to yak all over my desk because you just left your clearly rotting insides floating in the toilet not 3 metres away from me, WITHOUT using the air freshener.

Now hear this motherfucker.......

Sitting on your ass all day is hard yakka on the body. Especially when your as old as Jesus himself & stuff your chubby gullet with pies all day long.Of course your shirt won't fit you anymore!! And if you EVER come in to my office & shit in that god dam work toilet again, I will come & get in to your car, de-trou & lay the biggest nastiest grogan berry on your passenger seat. This I promise you.

I know the person I am venting at will never actually read this, but I don't care. Like the constipation, it feels good to unload.

Not long after this happened, another one of my lovely male counterparts came in to the office to tell me his bullshit. I need to hear more of that please. Like a good jacksie chaffe, I love me a good long one sided whinge session by a serial moaner. While I sat there listening to him drone on & on about whatthefuckever I fantasized about what it would feel like to split his head open like a ripe cherry with my ruler.

Then he says to me 'god Bex did you drop your guts' (re: the smell coming from old man dinosaurs ass contents currently scuba diving in the work toilet). I couldn't even reply. Because if I had of opened my mouth to say something back I would've spewed fiery hot lava in his face. I just took the imaginary elevator down stairs to under my desk where I hid until he left the building.

I sat under my desk for 30 minutes, singing Yellow Submarine by the Beatles quietly to myself & playing Plants verses Zombies on my phone. When someone came in pretended I wasn't there. It was fun & naughty & I felt safe there. Actually I was on my lunch break. And if I want to sit under my desk & have lunch then I bloody will.

Sometimes, when I'm mopping up the badly aimed man wee off the bathroom floor, I feel a bit sorry for myself. And other times, when I come in to work in the morning & the kitchen rubbish bin has exploded all over the floor because it's so dam full & there's shit splattered all over the underside of the toilet seat (which coincidentally is always kept up. The vagina to dick ratio is severely unbalanced), I weep on the inside.

People ask me what I do for a job. You wana know what I do for a job??!! I am someones bitch. Not just one someones, but many someones bitch. And some days it really sucks a giant fuck. I desperately try to guide these men, gently nudge (nag) them to be tidier & a little less disgusting, but I'm such a huge fail in this department. My fury is no match for the 40+ males I work for.

So tomorrow I am going to close the toilet down. It's going to be out of order accidentlyonpurpose. The only people who will be able to use it will be the drivers I like. They already know they can't shit there & never do because they know how much it upsets me.

And hanging from the counter above my desk will be a sign saying this.....

a) Ninja kick to to larynx
b) Running fuck slap finishing with a scissor stab to the left aorta
c) Mighty Mighty scrotum bash with the bathroom piss mop
d) Suffocation by plastic bag filled with ones own poos.
e) Having your hands ran over by Becky's fun work chair called Rachel. With Becky on the chair.
f) Be set on fire

Thank you & good night.

Anyone in your place of work get your shit cranking? Vent away people. I want to feel your angry.

Love, me.

P.S This hater rant is not directed at my bosses just in case you guys read this. And I do like job.

P.P.S I am actually ok now. But my jaw aches like buggery from the angry clenching I've been doing all day. Blake always makes me feel better about the world. He's my happy. Seriously though, if he has a poo tonight I will lose my shit all over the place.


  1. My work door is right next to the public toilets as they share the same building, so I get to spend my time at work smelling stinky hippy and tourist poo's!

  2. I am never ever using the work toilet again.

  3. I have two kids (one of which is a 15 y/o boy) so I sympathize. Once when the kids ate 2 boxes of fiber granola bars in 1 day I threatened to share the toilet paper as well as they shared the food, meaning I get all but one roll. The panic in my sons voice told me all I needed to know.

    Thank God they have to clean their own toilets. My gag reflex activates just thinking of that job! You're well within your right to hide under your desk!

  4. Sing little songs in your head about them. I do. It helps three fold;
    1. Keeps me entertained, which is a full time job in itself, as I have ADD and am perpertually bored.
    2. Keeps me from stabbing people in the throat
    3. Keeps me from stabbing people in the groin

    Any little tune will do, just make sure to include these words ... fuckity fuck fuckers! I hate you, and want to stab you but I can't! Your eyes look like pissholes in the snow, and your breath smells like asssss!
    Childish, yet gratifying.

  5. I too murder many people in my head each and every working day (I work in Customer Services for the local council)so I feel your pain!... although mine is not poo related but 'you're stupid and whining about bollocks and I don't want to hear it any more' Thankfully I can vent some frustration by making rude hand gestures in the direction of my phone/computer screen - the day we get video phones will no doubt be the day I get fired lol! Hugs hun, hope you're feeling less snotty and grotty xxx

  6. boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ...those fucking dicknuggets are being total wanks to you!

    I'm with you on the sign for the bathroom.... it's their own fault!!!

    I currently reside with 2 boys .. and boys do dirty things in the bathroom... thankfully only 2 so I can only imagine if there were more... so I'm giving you mental hugs right now...

    you know what else fucking men can't do .. replace the goddamn toilet paper... and who ends up doing it? me... as I waddle with my pants around my ankles praying that it doesn't trickle down my leg and onto my pants as I go to the closet to retrieve more tp.
    damn wanks.

  7. I should read you before the gym so I can skip my situps. ;)

    Ok, what is a "jacksie chaffe"?

    And I have only dreamed of hiding under my desk. Live the dream, Bex. Live the dream!

  8. Just found your blog from a link on Bonnie's...oh my god. I don't think I have ever laughed so much! Thank you for lightening a seriously shitty day on my part (and yes, the pun was a little bit intended!)


  9. Just found you through Dan Perez's "5 Badass Women Bloggers You Should Be Following" post. The man was definitely right! :D

    Loved this funny post and I look forward to reading more.

  10. Amazing. You should definitely throw some slapbombs at the next fucker that goes into that toilet with a magazine. Or just keep a wet mop by your desk (not said pee mop) and start swinging it around like a lunatic.

  11. @Britt Excellent idea. However I would prefer to smack them in the face with the piss mop ;)

  12. @Susan, Super Earthling Welcome Susan! I will endevour to crack your shit up on a regular basis.

  13. @Lauren Jones My pleasure & welcome to my blog Lauren. It makes me fuzzy to my fucking core to know I've lightened up your otherwise shithouse day :)

  14. @chemgirl Girl I could make a huge list of the lazy assed man things my husband does, or doesn't do should I say. But we put up with it, & whinge about it. Because that's how we bitches roll.

  15. @Mrs Social Assassin Do you know what makes all this hating even more powerful, I didn't get paid AGAIN this morning. So essentially I had to marinate in some old bastards fecal stench for nothing. FUCKERS.

  16. @Kelly Fox We should colaborate & wrote a stage musical. Called 'Fuck you you fucking fuckers' by Kelly & Bex. It would be awesome.

  17. @Angie Angie, how in the fuck are you a mother of a 15 year old?!! Never forget that you have the vagina, therefore you hold the power. And you are welcome to join me in Desk Neverneverland when ever you desire. Plenty of room.

  18. @WildHeart You are allowed. I assumed you would know you are on my non-hater taxi driver list ;)

  19. @Bexstar MY GOD!! It would be amazing! Complete with love song..."I'd fuck you if I could but you're just a fucker!" Sweeet.

  20. I have this heinous skank in my office who feels compelled to drape her designer imposter fragreanced form over my cubicle each morning and regale me with her latest exploits with whomever she scraped up on match/eharmony/OKCupid/Zoosk, etc. "Golly, glad to know he could still get it up after siz shots of Jaegar. Oh, and what's that? Oh, goodie, I'm happy to hear that the penecillin cleared your little issue right up." EVERY TIME YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR VAGINA THE BABY JESUS CRIES!!!

  21. There's a grown ass man in my office who grunts at you to get your attention as opposed to saying your name, chews with his mouth open, and picks his nose in public. I want to douse myself with Lysol and bathe in bleach after going into his office for ANYTHING.


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