Monday, September 26, 2011

To all the girls in the world: How to be your best adult self (Part 1)

I'm not going to lie to you. Being an adult frequently sucks the hairy perineum. Don't be fooled by the bright lights, false sense of freedom & allure of having money to buy rad shit.


Now this may be harder to swallow than a bag full of scrotum sized gobstoppers, but the love you have for Beiber won't save you from yourself, nor will it bail your ass out of jail when you end up being put in detox for a night at the local Police Station for falling asleep drunk on a park bench down your local main street.

Adulthood is dangerous, scary & unpredictable. Failing is not an option hence I why I want to help you.

Me personally, well it's obvious that I turned out to be awesome. But my road to awesomeness has been rocky & scattered with limb tearing landmines. Learn from my mistakes & the mistakes I've witnessed others make. Use this information to be the very best you you can be.

Take Care Of Your Teeth.
When people talk to you, one of the first things they will notice about you (as long as you don't have the biggest pair of tits on the planet) is your chompers.

Cherish your teeth like you would a new ipod touch. When your teeth fall out as a small person, newer, better, stronger teeth grow in their place. If your teeth fall out as an adult, don't hold on to the hope they will grow back again. Because they won't. You have one chance to make your adult teeth work for you.

Here are some things that have the potential to ruin your teeth:
  • Drinking too much coffee/energy drinks.
  • Performing too much fellatio.
  • Candy.
  • Smoking crack, ganja & cigarettes.
  • Playing rugby.
  • Talking smack to the huge ranga that just stood on your foot in The Rock Bar & made you rage.
  • Biting the tops off bottles of beer. (you may think this is a good time party trick but when you rip your lips to shreds & chip the bottom half of your front tooth off, you will want to kick you own ass).
  • Getting smacked in the face with a piece of 2x4

FACT: Dentists will rape your bank account. And no one will like you if lose some teeth & end up looking like an extra from Deliverance.

Wear Sensible Shoes.
Nothing says 'I appreciate me' more than a good pair of shoes. Your feet will carry you a million miles. Encase them in glorious, practical footwear.

What in the fuck are these?!

I have a 3 point human check. If you fail any one of my criteria, I will more than likely not talk to you. Yes call me a shallow bitch, but every whore is entitled to having standards.

Bitches, wearing 30cm high stilettos is all kinds of bad. Not only does it make you walk like you have ten strands of anal beads buried in your colon, but the long term damage it will do to your hips & spine is irreparable. Learn from Mrs Beckhams, stay the fuck away from the Stilettos. Having gnarled feet that resemble claws of a Vulture will scare people. And spending your elderly years in agony because your lumbar spine is twisted like a pretzel will SUCK for you.

FACT: Shoes maketh the woman. Be a credit to your ancestors & shod yourself with pride.

Stay the fuck away from crack.
Bum cracks - a bacterial playground. No foreign objects or itching apparati (fingers) should venture there. You will not be able to get the smell of bum off your fingers for at least 3 days.
Crack crack - nothing good to say about this one. Touch this crap & next thing you know you'll be hooking your vag on the street corner & your nose will fall off. Desperate times et al.
Sidewalk cracks - where AIDS infested needles hide waiting to stab you in the foot. Shoes really will save your life.
Fire Crackers - if used incorrectly fire crackers will land you in the slammer for arson. Or having facial reconstruction surgery when a series of fire crackers explode in your face. Neither of these things is a fun time.
Cracks in your windscreen - it may look small but your windscreen will soon be lying in your lap if you attempt to finger it. Take it straight to Novus, they will fill your crack in.
Crack in your fingers - don't scratch them they'll only get worse.
Crackers - will make you fat. But dam the Arnotts Cheese & Bacon shapes the the bomb digz.
Xmas crackers - are a motherfucking disappointment but boy do I love the smell.

FACT: Crack in any form will ruin your life. The end.


Don't have sex until your 25.
Please watch 16 & pregnant on MTV. It's all pretty self explanatory.

FACT: Dry humping will not get you pregnant or give you a nasty case of the herps. So go hard, grind away. However, be warned, over grinding could potentially give you chaff. Chaff on your banger is worse than accidentally squirting lemon juice in a paper cut.

Don't shave your face with a blunt razor.
I started sprouting top lip hair at a very early age. Whatever the fuck you decide to do with it, don't shave it. Ladies aren't supposed to shave their face. This is an entirely a male dominated practice. Except the fact that somewhere along the line, one of your great great grandparents mated with a hairy asshole & you growing facial hair is evidence of their mistake.

After deciding it was a good idea, I did this when I was in my early 20's & I cut my face just below my right eye. It bled like a bastard & I had to put a bandaid on it like hip hop superstar Nelly. I told people I got hit in the face with a rabid staple. Now, if I don't keep my facial muffage, I end up looking like this guy.


FACT: Shaving/hair removal creaming any sort of lady facial hair will make it grow faster & thicker than a feral rocky mountain wolf dog. Get yourself a good beauty therapist & make her your BFF 4 EVA.

No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to pee standing up.
I have tried, god have a I tried. And unless you are able to hold your wee bag like a penis, there is no way you will ever be able to pee standing up without pissing all over yourself. The same rule applies when attempting to pee your name on the sidewalk. Messy. And embarrassing.

FACT: Stale urine all over your butt skimming skank mini will smell shithouse. But you should know that sanitary pad bins are awesome for ridding of ones soiled underwear.

Don't pash other chicks for male attention.
I have lesbian friends. This is sort of carry on is confusing for them. And apart from the drop kick dudes that find this display of deception an actual turn on, most civilised people are mentally kicking your ass. Don't be that girl.

Katie Perry is full of shit. She never kissed a girl & liked it. It was just a god dam song.

FACT: One word. SLAPPER.

Don't blame others because you're angry & bleeding.
We women have been plagued with one of life's ultimate tests of bitchery. The Menstruation. It ain't a party yo, & the older you get, the more the menses fucks with you. Own it, rule it & whatever the hell you do, never burn someones house down unless they really deserve it. Before your do anything rash whilst struck with the period rage, sleep on it. Mostly you will find the next day you will be a little less psycho(normally after day 2 or 3 of the bleeder).

Here are some things you can do while you are on your rag.
  • Punch any male family members in the manovaries. Especially your dad.
  • Complain about everything to anyone that will listen.
  • Cry. About anything. (I usually cry for the African children or something on Home & Away).
  • Impulse buy.
  • Stab a hoe.
  • Sit in front of the fridge at 2am in the morning & stuff your pie hole with a whole block of chocolate. Then cry about it.
  • Listen to 'My Endless Love' by Diana Ross & Lionel Richie over & over again. And cry a motherfucking river.
  • Hiss like a feral bitch cat at small children.
  • Smoke cigarettes & pop Ibuprofen like M&M's.
  • Yell 'PISS OFF!!' at anyone that wants anything from you. This can include your boss.
FACT: Enjoy this time in your life. Next thing you know the menopause will be a knocking on your ovarian door & a whole other bunch of cray cray shit gonna start up in here.

Stay tuned for the next part of this series, featuring such topics as:
The movies always lie.
Don't ever move try to move like Jagger.
Itching your beave in public is not polite.
The art of the lady fart.
Stalking, it's not a crime if he's incredibly good looking.

What's the most ridic piece of bullshit advice you've ever been given?


P.S None of this advice or information should be taken seriously. Only the bit about punching your dad in the testes & taking care of your teeth.

P.P.S If you can actually piss your own name on the sidewalk, please email me picture proof.


  1. But you can pash other chicks for female attention. Please. :)

  2. Bitchin' Becky - Doing her bit for the community, one blog post at a time.

  3. Those shoes scare the shit outta me!!!!

  4. I find it appalling that you would advise women to wait until the age of 25 before having sex. That, my friend, is totally irresponsible.

    Otherwise, your advice is right on the mark, as usual. I love the shoes and your punching people in the balls all the time. But the crack list takes the cake. The only thing I'm wondering is whether it's ok to go near crack if it's been cleaned?

  5. hahaha... "Chaff on your banger is worse than accidentally squirting lemon juice in a paper cut" ..ain't that the fucking truth, eh?

  6. You're officially my idol. I usually do my "on the rag list" for 3 days prior to getting my period. Then I assume I'm having a real mental breakdown and am always surprised and relieved when P-Day comes. The crying about everything I do when I am drunk. Does the testicle punching HAVE to be a male you're related to?

  7. have you seen the horse hoof boots?

    1 word: wrong.

    By the way, you made coffee come out my nose. Normally I would call this bad, but as I was laughing hysterically... WIN!

  8. I think you need your own advice column, move over dear abby.

  9. I just passed this post over to my 14 year old daughter - I'm hoping the not having sex before age 25 thing resonates with her.
    Oh yeah, and all that other stuff, too :)
    Fucking brilliant...

  10. Wow! Where were you when my mom gave me "The Talk"? All she did was hand me a Midol and a diagram that said "Insert Tampon Here".

    Oh, by the way - you're ba-nanas! (Don't worry, it's a good thing!)


  11. ew to the teeth B....
    Kye xx

  12. My mother has forbidden me from parking near vans... Cause bad shit always goes down near a van/in a van/or is caused by a dude driving a van. Also, my mother watches WAY too much Criminal Minds. Related? Probably. Doesn't make it any less ridiculous

  13. I am always surprised when I become homicidal every month. ALWAYS. You would think by now, right? Not so much.

    Brilliant advise. I will return those shoes post haste. Don't wanna have claw feet. I like my tootsies, thanks. Plus, they did make me look like I had some sort of snake/crab claw hybrid appendage going on. Maybe not the look I was going for?

    Also, I'm a bit confused. I am ALLOWED to stab a ho? I thought physical injury was wrong? Do they have to be Hos or can it be my mother? Oh wait, nevermind. One and the same, yo.

  14. Dear Becky,
    When you say that it is okay to "Stab a hoe." I need a little more information.
    Please define hoe. I need clarification, probably with pictures, so that I can properly justify any rag(e)-induced behavior.
    Thank you.
    Yours truly, Johi

  15. I so want to read your advice on why not to move like Jagger lol!! That bloody song!! As for the issue of public vadge scratching, I believe you know where you can shortly find a blog giving advice on that very topic :)

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