Thursday, September 1, 2011

My tui billboard entries that I'm not actually going to enter. Even though they would clearly win.

The guys who lease the back office of my work keep giving me chocolate. This is bad for two reasons.

1. My ass is fat. No really, I'm not one of those skinny bitches with a false body image that constantly claims their ass is fat. Mine actually is. It doesn't need no chocolate.
2. Behind every random gift giving moment is a motive. Especially if it comes from a male. I don't know what he wants & I think I want to keep it that way. If anyone wants a Mars Bar, let me know, it's yours. I've already told my ass it can't have it. It's currently sulking beneath my quivering bulk.

Right, moving on to my blatant non motive gift giving.

The winner of this months Winner Wednesday wicky wick motherfucking wicked prizes of awesome (if it was any more awesome I would be making your computer screen explode in your faces right now)..........
 I did the counting myself & that be this person..................

Please flick me an email to with your address & I will get that whacky loot out to you asap.

So NZ Beer company, Tui Brewery, is having a competition for their 'Yeah Right' billboards. I love me a good competition & I thought I would rule at this (like, of course), so decided to have a bit of a play round & see what I could come up with. Behold, Becky's Billboards

I'm actually overcome with an urge to spam the shit out of Tui with my kick ass billboard ideas. I need you whores to help me. And I know some of you are batshit funny so go hard, dazzle me with your fuck wittery in the comments below.


P.S I am lovin hard on this song below right now. Because I believe that sharing is caring I have out it here for all ya'll to listen to. I was initially revolted with the opening shot of his scary man feet & then the music took over & filled me with joy. I like that I can't pronounce his name & I like that I can't stop looking at his teeth when he sings the loud bits.


  1. OMG i love that song too!!! KB not so much a fan but i still play it all the time neway!! plus kimbras a kiwi so that makes it cool too!

    p.s. its katie again (still to spazzy/lazy to figure out how to post it from my name)

  2. WHOA! I was gonna call dibs on the Mars bar but seeing as how I just won Mutha-ucking Winner Wednesday, I'll let someone else have it. Also, Gotye kinda scares me.

    P.S. Too stoked about winning to think of kickass tui billboard ideas, sorry! :)

  3. Irie is in Fiji? How weird. I just got done reading a book about this guy's stay in Fiji called "Getting Stoned with Savages" by J. Maarten Troost. Hilarious read, if anyone cares.

  4. Ahahahahaha! You are TOOOOOOOOOOOOOO funny!

  5. "Your zillionth story about your precious spawn? Why, I just can't get enough."

    I hope you're going to submit some original Bex ideas to Tui. :)

  6. Some other potential entries:-
    "You can't ring it right now because my battery is dead, but that is SO my cellphone number"
    "My ten year old son explained it all ... the underwear catalogue was because he was looking for a birthday present for his mum."
    "The fact that your tits are made of plastic is in no way obvious."
    "My job gives me an enormous sense of self-worth."
    "I have never masturbated to internet pornography."
    "I swear to God it was like that when I got here."
    "The marijuana is not mine officer. I'm holding on to it for a friend."

    Keep the funny coming girl, you'll rule the world one day at this rate. And make a point about that work toilet situation, no one should have to put up with that. Perhaps something subtle like a pair of fishing waders outside the loo labelled "Piss Boots.";)

  7. my ass doesn't need chocolate either but my stomach doesn't agree and forces me to buy chocolate for it on a regular basis.

  8. Sigh. I am originally from Newfoundland, Canada where the chocolate supercedes American chocolate by leaps and bounds. I have not had a Mars Bar in what feels like a millenium. If you want to seal some Mars Bars up in a tiny package and send them half way across the planet to me, I will gladly shovel them into my face.

    Do you guys also have Aero Bars and chocolate Smarties and Caramilk in NZ? My grandparents send me an entire parcel filled with nothing but Canadian chocolate during the holidays. It's physique suicide.

  9. Here's something for your billboard, since I'm a man-hater:

    Men Don't Cheat
    A good man is easy to find
    i've never had to fake an orgasm

  10. Bexstar, you're awesome!

    Here are a few more ideas:

    You were right, honey. It IS huge.

    You're forty, bald, and living in your mother's basement? Here's my number. Call me!

    Oh, no. You're WAY more good-looking than Jake Gyllenhaal.

    (From a man) No, I wasn't looking at her ass.

    I can't come into work. I have ebola. *cough*cough*

    That's all I've got for now.


  11. You might know that in the states we call them "queefs." I like "fanny farts" better. It just seems more proper.

  12. I love your billboard ideas! ha, funny shit

  13. I'm a stalker.. I've been reading your blog for 2 days now, I'm not a slow reader alright. I have 3 kids and I work and I'm going to Uni fulltime and I'm a single Mum..don;t judge me. Anyway, I've been reading it for 2 days, when I have the time, and I have wanted to comment on so many of your posts because you are fucking funny. But I'm commenting on this one.. wanna know why? Because, I SAW that sexy, sexy man live on stage in Hobart, Tasmania. I was so close to him, he would have been able to smell how much I was enjoying his music. He is hot. Anyway.. that's my comment.


  14. Hi Stalker Toni. First of all, I have never had a proper internet stalker. Couple of things to tell you, I don't have a washing line, so you will not be able to steal my panties & sleep with them under your pillow. Give me your address & I will post some to you. Secondly, I had to re-read this post to remember what I wrote about & I can't agree with the sexy status given by you to Gotye. While I do very much enjoy music, I can't stop staring at his quite obvious two front snaggle teeth. It's distracting.
    P.S I love you. Can we Skype? Or swap knickers?


I love reading your comments. Comments are sexy.