Number 3 on the list of things I hate with a near spontaneous combustible fury, is stinky ass fucks (the non angry translation: people who smell bad).
Please see my friend Ludo. He sums it up in way that I just can not. I may or may not have used him before in a post. He is right on with everything he says. I love this wise hairy ginga beast.
My office is open to the public & whatnot. They rarely come in to my office anymore because I no longer offer anything they need. It's all done in another city in another part of NZ, thank Christ.
However, apart from the revolving door of taxi drivers & their problems that I deal with on a daily basis, every so often I get some homie come in who owes money to a driver, to pay his fare.
And I am not lying, every single one of these people smells like they've rolled in the rotting carcass of a wild boar. I want to pay them to get the fuck out of my office.
I hold my breath & go through the pleasantries of excepting their payment etc. In my head I'm thinking this is dam dangerous work yo.
This afternoon, I had a guy come in who just last week I saw swaying to the beat of his own drunken rat arsed drums right outside my office door while I was locking up for the day. I asked him if he wanted anything to which he replied something I couldn't understand so I carried on my merry way to the car quietly thanking sweet baby Jesus that I didn't have to help him. He was completely wankered.
Little did I know, he wasn't finished with me. He came in today & I tried to be polite but oh my shitballs he reeked. Like a dead animal covered in human feces who hadn't washed their asshole for at least 3 months. OR he'd shoplifted a whole block of Blue Vein cheese a couple of weeks ago & hidden it up his jacksie?
I couldn't even talk to him because if I had of opened my trap, I would have tasted his stench. The whole exchange lasted longer then necessary & when he departed, he left his smell behind. I got mad as hell & lost my shit. What with my taxi driver toilet stinks that I can't escape from. And now the motherfucking smelly hobos coming in to my office!!
I have decided to put up a sign on the front doors of my office. It will quite plainly say, 'If you smell, or intend to make a smell, piss the hell off. No stinky assholes welcome here!! Thank you, from Becky the office lady'.
Now I don't know about you guys, but I accidentally tasted a fart once. Not on purpose of course. And it wasn't like I was sitting there with my napkin on my front, with a knife & fork ready for some fart eating. It wasn't a good time & I got really mad about it because I didn't even know what was happening until it was too late.
EAT MY FART. BE-ATCH.
I had a cold & couldn't breathe in or out my nose. I walked past an old lady in the local supermarket who had obviously just let a sneaky one rip while bending to pick up a bag of oats. Never underestimate the power & fury of an elderly baff. Every odour that spews fourth from their back door orifice smells of death & bad meat.
Anyway, I unknowingly walked straight in to her ass bomb gas cloud. With my mouth wide open. I had, in a round about way, got a mouthfull of her shit dust. Blake laughed so hard I thought he'd willy dribbled in his man knickers, & I choked & pretty much spewed in to my handbag. I could taste her ass in my mouth!!
I wanted to bash her. But because it's illegal to granny bash, I had to just walk away. I was piss mad though & went straight home to brush my teeth/drink some mouthwash. I felt dirty & a little bit invaded. I looked up on Google to see if you can die from eating someones fart. Turns out no you can't.
But what I did find was some heinous stories of people getting a mouthful of fart while doing dirty things with another person. Both funny & disgusting & I will let you guys Google for yourself one day.
Has anyone had this happen to them before?
Happy Weekend bitches & whatever you do, please keep the fart eating to a minimum.