Friday, September 30, 2011

Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?

I hate a lot of things in life. A LOT of things. I have a mental list ranked in order.

Number 3 on the list of things I hate with a near spontaneous combustible fury, is stinky ass fucks (the non angry translation: people who smell bad).

Please see my friend Ludo. He sums it up in way that I just can not. I may or may not have used him before in a post. He is right on with everything he says. I love this wise hairy ginga beast.


My office is open to the public & whatnot. They rarely come in to my office anymore because I no longer offer anything they need. It's all done in another city in another part of NZ, thank Christ.

However, apart from the revolving door of taxi drivers & their problems that I deal with on a daily basis, every so often I get some homie come in who owes money to a driver, to pay his fare.

And I am not lying, every single one of these people smells like they've rolled in the rotting carcass of a wild boar. I want to pay them to get the fuck out of my office.

I hold my breath & go through the pleasantries of excepting their payment etc. In my head I'm thinking this is dam dangerous work yo.

This afternoon, I had a guy come in who just last week I saw swaying to the beat of his own drunken rat arsed drums right outside my office door while I was locking up for the day. I asked him if he wanted anything to which he replied something I couldn't understand so I carried on my merry way to the car quietly thanking sweet baby Jesus that I didn't have to help him. He was completely wankered.

Little did I know, he wasn't finished with me. He came in today & I tried to be polite but oh my shitballs he reeked. Like a dead animal covered in human feces who hadn't washed their asshole for at least 3 months. OR he'd shoplifted a whole block of Blue Vein cheese a couple of weeks ago & hidden it up his jacksie?

I couldn't even talk to him because if I had of opened my trap, I would have tasted his stench. The whole exchange lasted longer then necessary & when he departed, he left his smell behind. I got mad as hell & lost my shit. What with my taxi driver toilet stinks that I can't escape from. And now the motherfucking smelly hobos coming in to my office!!

I have decided to put up a sign on the front doors of my office. It will quite plainly say, 'If you smell, or intend to make a smell, piss the hell off. No stinky assholes welcome here!! Thank you, from Becky the office lady'.

Now I don't know about you guys, but I accidentally tasted a fart once. Not on purpose of course. And it wasn't like I was sitting there with my napkin on my front, with a knife & fork ready for some fart eating. It wasn't a good time & I got really mad about it because I didn't even know what was happening until it was too late.

EAT MY FART. BE-ATCH.

I had a cold & couldn't breathe in or out my nose. I walked past an old lady in the local supermarket who had obviously just let a sneaky one rip while bending to pick up a bag of oats. Never underestimate the power & fury of an elderly baff. Every odour that spews fourth from their back door orifice smells of death & bad meat.

Anyway, I unknowingly walked straight in to her ass bomb gas cloud. With my mouth wide open. I had, in a round about way, got a mouthfull of her shit dust. Blake laughed so hard I thought he'd willy dribbled in his man knickers, & I choked & pretty much spewed in to my handbag. I could taste her ass in my mouth!!

I wanted to bash her. But because it's illegal to granny bash, I had to just walk away. I was piss mad though & went straight home to brush my teeth/drink some mouthwash. I felt dirty & a little bit invaded. I looked up on Google to see if you can die from eating someones fart. Turns out no you can't.

But what I did find was some heinous stories of people getting a mouthful of fart while doing dirty things with another person. Both funny & disgusting & I will let you guys Google for yourself one day.

Has anyone had this happen to them before?

Happy Weekend bitches & whatever you do, please keep the fart eating to a minimum.

Peace!

7 comments:

  1. Hahaha okay it's usually pretty difficult to gross me out but this one did it and I have no idea why. I am laughing like a crazy person and gagging at the same time. This could actually be a sign of an illness for real. Crazy is an illness. I caught it from you.

    Have a great weekend ya sexy bitch!

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  2. I'm so sorry you are surrounded by smelly people, I gag anytime I smell something bad, so if I were you I would end up puking everywhere.

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  3. I really don't fucking understand what is so fucking difficult about people maintaining personal hygiene. Homeless people I understand as they don't have a house where they can bathe and brush their teeth... but regular people.. how fucking hard is it to take a shower once a day... brush your fucking teeth before you leave the house!!!

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  4. I work on a college campus and am in everlasting awe that most of these twattacular undergrad asshats think that patchouli oil masks the stench of their unwashed dreadlocks and bong resin encrusted Phish T-shirts. You smell like a thrift store filled with bear carcasses. Take a fucking bath.

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  5. I had a lady come pay for something at my work last week and I had to cover my face while dealing with her cause she smelt like rotting flesh! I was trying so hard not to throw up on her but how the hell do you not know you smell that disgusting if people are covering their faces everywhere you go?(I will be burning the item she has hired on its return)

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  6. Leave it to you to make such disgusting things so funny.

    I have a list of things I hate too, and I'm going to rattle off a few:

    1. Chelsey Handler
    2. Incompetent parkers
    3. Line jumpers
    4. Public nose pickers

    That is all for now. :)

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