My offers of a 'special spooning', free access to my tits for 24 hours or an xbox game of his choice have all been declined. The man is sad.
If anyone even so much as attempts to say 'it's just a game', they will find their lips running fuck kicked right off their head & my foot rammed down their gullet. It's more than just a game for some. Obviously.
My husband has been living in New Zealand for 8 years now. He once told me very matter of factly a few years ago before we got together, that I will never understand what it's like to be South African. They say that that country gets under your skin (as does the rabid AIDS virus if you poon the wrong infected person & don't use a joey) & even though you may leave, your heart will always stays true to the place. At the time I brushed his statement off, telling him he was on drugs & getting quite defensive because he lives in NZ now & should love it just because.
I went to Africa last year. For 6 weeks. And I had the time of my life while shitting my pants the whole time that a crazy native would stab me. I did amazing things I would probably never have gotten to do under normal circumstances & I met some kick ass people. It's true, Africa gets in you. And I've found myself missing the place on various occasions. The smell, the warmth, the awesome shopping, the food, the kindness of the people, the sexy men, the sunset etc.
If you've never been to South Africa, here's some facts you should know.
- They are to date the friendliest most hospitable people I have ever met. They like to drink, braii & jol (party). And they don't need a reason.
- Not everyone has AIDS.
- The native ladies wear their baby as a backpack.
- Not everyone wants to kill you. But it's easier to pretend that everyone does. It's hard to pick who's good & who wants to carve you up for your cellphone.
- It's easy to put on so much weight in 6 weeks that your new husband has to roll you & your big fat ass off the plane when you return home.
- If you are a chubby white woman, to a black native man you are a goddess. Chubby = good breeding stock/healthy & wealthy/fully capable of carrying large vesicles of water on ones head. They will offer your parents a number of cows depending on how hot you are. This is called a labola. Apparently my dad would get shitloads of cows. Go me! Please note that said native men will also gape at you openly like you've had one half of your face replaced by the ass of a pregnant goat.
- Baboons are scary. If you show them your teeth they will try to rip your face off.
- Food glorious food. So much food & it all tastes like a big bunch of fuck yeah is party rockin in your mouth. Their food is rich & flavourful which may also cause you to get the screaming shits if you have a sissy bitch gut that's not used to such awesomeness. Having the shits didn't bother me one bit. I was all for it.
- They have big sharks. That eat seals & penguins. And I like seals & penguins but god dam love big sharks more. The circle of life & all that.
- It's hotter then hell. I spent most of my time in Durban floating in a swimming pool like a beached as whale or raping the air con. It's not a good place to visit if you are 60kgs overweight & get chafe easily.
- All of the animals that can kill you are fenced in. But that does in no way mean that there aren't things that can bite you outside the fences. Like fire ants. Or angry hornets. Or baboons. Or snakes. Or rabie dogs. Or rabie monkeys. Good times.
- They have spiders there. In particular big bitch rain spiders that you apparently never see. I saw 2 in the space of 3 hours. Rarely see my ass. Granted we were staying in the back ass end of nowhere on a pecan nut farm where I used a whole can of bug spray in the one night I was there. Africa can keep it's bugs thanks.
- They have chutney flavoured chips. They can keep those too.
- It's breathtakingly beautiful. I'm not one for gushing over scenic views but it's a pretty place yo. Even the staunch can't help but fanny spasm over the scenery.
- There are lots of really really goodlooking men. Those Jappie boys have been smacked to buggery with the golden stick of hotness. And don't even get me started on their sexy accents. Can I get an amen!
- There are hawkers everywhere attempting to jam their wares (mostly stupid shit or stuff that has been flogged) down your piehole in exchange for a small amount of your cash. I hated this. Especially the ones at every bloody intersection. And the missing limbed folk & black women holding babies begging in the middle of the freeway can get you down. I will give them credit though, they know how to make a white ass honky from NZ feel bad for them.
- Being stuck inside a tiny car between two big safari jeeps full of snap happy Asian tourists about 2 metres away from 3 getting piss mad rhino's will make me lose my shit & scream 'I don't want to motherfucking die in Africa!!'.
- Physically disadvantage stump handed people can play rad music too.
- South Africans think we kiwi's talk like we are narrating a doco for the National Geograpic channel. Being the centre of attention was really good for my already giant ego.
- You are expected to tip every one that helps you. Even the toilet people. I didn't mind because they genuinely appreciate it. And I love me a clean shitter.
- They killed Chicken Licken.
- It's just straight up bloody awesome country. Go there.
One thing that was clear to me whilst visiting Blake's beloved country was how much those folk love their rugby & their Bokke. The boys in the Springboks team play for the people of their country. The poor depraved people that will never have the chance to experience the glory of being a world class rugby player. And if they lose, their fans don't hate them or bad mouth them. They only love them harder (& blame the ref. Fair call though Bryce Lawrence is a dick). I wish my fellow kiwis would take note & spew forth the same adoration & support for our boys, even when we lose. We are such negative haters when things aren't going our way. We could learn a thing or two from the Saffa's.
Therefore, I have let it slide that he will forever more support the team of his homeland.
One rule I feel should be adhered to by the ex pat South Africans when they become NZ citizens is that if your team loses, you must support the team of your current resident nation. All the South Africans I know living in NZ do not follow this rule. In fact they take great pleasure in NOT supporting the All Blacks.
However, one valid point Blake did make was that if we ever moved to Australia would I support the Wallabies if the All Blacks lost out early in the Rugby World Cup quarter finals. My reply was an adamant NO FUCKING WAY. I would rather have my tongue repeatedly slammed in a door while being buggerised by a baseball bat covered in bee stings. I get it guys. And it's ok really.
End. of. Story.
I hate seeing my husband sad. It wrecks my shit something chronic. Especially when he doesn't respond to any of my 'get happy' offers. That was until last night when I showed him my bum.
It wasn't planned. I just stood in front of the TV, turned around, whipped my pj pants down & showed him my bum. That got him all kinds of happy & once again confirmed for me that yes indeed the male sex are visual creatures.
All I know is that when my husband gets up, pulls his pants down & does a dick & ball dance in my face that he is well happy. God I love him.
As a famous buck toothed gay man who consequently died of AIDS once sang, fat bottom girls you make the rockin world go round.Yes sir, I believe we do.
So ladies, in short, if you find your other half in a funk for whatthefuckever reason, show him your naked bum. If that doesn't work, then ignore his sulky maudlin demeanor cos hey it's only just a game right?
Life is good people. Here's some bum. My pleasure.
What cheers you up when you're feeling mud?
P.S Apologies for the shiny sexy lady bum but it was the best I could find that wasn't a photo of some slapper ho trying to insert anal beads up her poonani. Becky does not promote dirty poon photos on her blog.
P.P.S Does anyone else have a habit of always typing AIDS in capitals?