Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Hot Becky: The early years

I was quite the hussy at junior school. So much so that most of the girls my age hated my guts with the fiery intensity of a thousand suns. I remember clearly one day all the girls (including my friends) followed me around like zombies saying some shit like 'we need a doctor, we are under Becky's spell'. Fucking whores. (this is my historic inner tween rage speaking. I don't really think you are all whores).

They weren't sick, nor had I administered any sort of evil black magic upon them. They were just suffering from what I like to call rampant bitch jealousy.

The truth is, I had something boys liked that none of the other girls had yet. And that something is called BOOBS. I started growing my bitch lumps when I was 10, much to my dismay. I actually thought I had chest cancer & ran over to my neighbours house to get her mum to have a feel & tell me what the foreign lumps were that had invaded my flat chest. She informed these were indeed boobs & not chest cancer. I was gutted.

FIND THE AWESOME AMONGST THE SCARY MASKED PEOPLE.
I'M THE ONE WITH THE POOF FRINGE, BERT & ERNIE BROWS, & A ROCKIN AUSTRALIA KOALA JERSEY. 
(I have protected everyones identity by giving them another face)


According to my chest I was starting to 'bud'. But as far as I was concerned, tits could fuck right off. I was not ready for my body to be taken over by the perils of womanhood. And I was extremely upset at the prospect of not being allowed to run around the back yard in summer with no shirt anymore.

I delayed the bra buying process for aslong as possible but eventually gave in after my mum told me if I didn't start wearing a bra my cha chas would be hanging down by my knees by the time I was 15. Well mum, the bra wearing did not make one shit of difference. My tits are saggier than a well used prosti beave. And I haven't even had a baby yet. Boo.

From about the age of 12, I had a new boyfriend every week. Why you ask? Because I dam well could. They wooed me with rad bmx tricks, soft toys, candy, bags of cherries, pages of fun stickers left in my mailbox (I was an avid collector) & showed off in front of me at every opportunity. They would leave me notes asking me to meet them in the forest at lunchtime or begging me to 'go out' with them/be their folk dancing partner. I lapped this up & worked it to my advantage, much to the disgust of every girl my age.

Please note, 'go out' meant be ones girlfriend. Basically giving them all bragging & hand holding rights.

One boy in particular was named Tim. I had the hots for him hard & this was one of the rare occasions where I had to work it to win his affections.

Every week day after school I used to do a paper delivery around my little country town on my green Raleigh 20 bike. I was so ashamed of this ugly ass bike but my parents refused to buy by me a better faster flashier mountain bike because the old Raleigh was the business & served it's purpose. I used to ride miles on that thing & says little prayers in my head that none of my boyfriends would see me driving my Granny wheels.

THE SHIT BIKE.
Please note that this is not the actual bike because the real bike is in bike heaven.

It was gay. And green. And even though I tried to pimp it out with spokey dokes I was still ashamed to be seen on it. I used to leave it unlocked in the school bike yard on purpose in hopes that someone would thief it. Not even the local badass bike stealer's would take it.

FYI - SPOKEY DOKES. TOTALLY BITCHIN'

One afternoon I was down the road from Tim's house, putting a paper in his neighbours mailbox. It was a covert operation & I used to time the run down his street for when I knew he was at rugby practice. However, this particular afternoon I had noticed a dude on a bike a fair distance away heading in my direction. Initially I thought nothing of it, but once he was 50 metres from me I realised it was my beloved Tim.

Hell to the no was he seeing my hideous green bike. So I picked the fucker up & biffed it over the fence of the house I was currently delivery the paper to. To this day I don't even know how I physically managed this? Those gay bikes weighed about the same as a small car. In moments of desperation you always find the power.

I stood, with my helmet on, & my paper bag hanging around my throat, & waved sweetly at him as he got closer. He stopped & asked me where my bike was, & I told him, 'I decided to walk today'. As you do.

It was at this time that the elderly resident of the house I was currently delivering to chose to come out to the mailbox to ask me why he just witnessed a green bike flying over his fence & inform me that it was now laying in pieces on his driveway.

FUCK. A. BITCH.

Tim rode away laughing at me. And I had to carry my stuffed bike all the way home with my helmet still on & a heavy ass bag full of undelivered newspapers. The next day he went to school & told everyone that I went around wearing a helmet all the time because I'm special & that I tried to kill an old man by throwing my bike at him.

As it turns out, when a boy throws dirt in your face & spreads lies that you are an escaped mental patient from The Cherry Farm (infamous south island mental institution back in the late 80's/early90's), it actually means he likes you hard out. By weeks end, Tim was my boyfriend.

All you need is a little bit of 12 year old tit cleavage & a nice tight t-shirt in gym class.

Has anyone else suffered the bliss of early puberty?

My October giveaway is so cool that I want to keep it all for myself. But I won't because I already have these. All you got to do to be in to win my bloody awesome prize is become a follower of my blog (as in I want to see a little mug shot of you to the right of my posts under 'followers') & comment on any of my October posts. Every comment gets you an entry. Too easy cuz!

Read all terms & conditions here.

WIN YOUR VERY OWN PLUSH PEE & POO!!
Every time you look at these gorgeous creatures, you will think of me. As if you didn't already!

Peace!

31 comments:

  1. I got my boobs is 4th grade. A few months before my "buds" arrived, my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. My mother said... it was a hard knot in her breast. I FREAKED.THE.FUCK.OUT. I had double breast cancer in 4th grade. I knew it was all over.

    Boobs can be a bitch at times, but now when I get them to sit in the bra cups just right and they mind their business and aren't trying to get out and shit... they look sorta pretty. I'm hoping to keep them! :D

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  2. I wish my boobs had come in....... instead one came and the other didn't... I eventually had to have augmentation surgery to fix them so I had two normal boobs..... but at least now I have permaperky fake boobs ... I'll be a hot granny.

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  3. I'm still waiting for my boobs to come in...

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  4. I have really bad posture from hunching over trying to hide the boobs when I was the only 10 year old at school with them! But now I must say Im very out and proud about them:)

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  5. Yip, I too was an early bloomer (age 10). Downside was I NEVER got the guy! bugger it :( My first bra was a 10B. I had bigger boobies than my grandmother. shame!!!. Unfortunately now, after weightloss and 2 kids, I have nipples on my knees. Sigh. And am still trying to find that 'perfect' bra to make them perky (never had THAT luxury in all my boobie years)

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  6. Bahahahaha! I love this bit "My tits are saggier than a well used prosti beave." I'm going to use that now. I was quite the late bloomer... I didn't get a bloody B cup until I was a senior in High School! I'm a DD now, but only because I pooped out a kid.

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  7. I almost choked on my baby carrot reading this entry. "Fuck. A. Bitch." Best line ever!

    Your class photo is PRICELESS.

    I never had a bike that I was ashamed of, but there were plenty of other shame worthy things in my teens. Namely, I did not get boobs until the 8th grade. And then they came out of nowhere.

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  8. Kyes - Ahhahahahahahahahaha Bex I sooo remember colourful Spokes I actually had a Teenage mutant ninga turtles bike I was one hell of a tom boy!! I LOVE the school photo man your friends were hot. This made me laugh loads!! Man I love you! xx

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  9. Righteous story! And there you are in that class photo.... the center of the universe. LOL.

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  10. I gave up on my boobs ever making a cameo appearance so when I was 30 I said "Fuck it" and bought a pair. They almost serve to assuage my angst at spending my preteen years with orthodontic headgear and a Toni Home perm that made me look like J.J. on "Good Times".

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  11. @Jen I did the perm & braces when I was at college thanks to my mum. I will never forgive her for that tragedy. Yay for bought boobies!! I told my hubs I would get my perked & shrunken if we ever got some cash.

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  12. @BettyZade Of course. You would expect nothing less from me.

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  13. @Anonymous I laughed at the masked people while I was doing it. I wanted to protect their identity. Because I'm considerate. Yay for 28th! Can't wait to see you x

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  14. @Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie tits are a pain in the ass. I long for the days of flatness. I got a shitload of tit & then some. P.S please don't choke. I don't want to be responsible for the death of a lovely lady such as yourself.

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  15. @zionastar Girl I'm a DD lady myself & I aint had no babys. I'm scared of the mammoth sixe they will grow to when I breed. Poor baby aint got a chance. P.S You're welcome for 'prosti beave'. Use it freely.

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  16. @Tash :) I hate going braless. Because if the headlights go on, they point south. It's confusing for our hotel guests when I check them in late at night.

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  17. @emmarose82 Go you!! Wish I had the same tit confidence. Sadly I hate mine & would chop them off if there wasn't going to be blood or pain.

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  18. @JohiYou want some? I got mine down for donation if I kark it early.

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  19. @chemgirl Jesus! I am sad for you having to go through that but jealous at the same time because of your perky.

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  20. @Angie Angie, you are a stunner. I'm sure you have the tits to match. Bitch.

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  21. holy shit... I just snort-laughed!

    I love that my co-workers look up at me with faces of twisted wonderment when I read your post because a.) I just spit coffee through my nose or b.) I just repeated some highly inappropriate phrase such as prosti beave or fanny bullet randomly.

    As for grade/middle-school trauma I was in 6th (read 11 years old) grade when the bra wearing was in full effect. Sadly that was all I got and they never got any bigger. But a boy in my class -Roy, still a fucktard loser, teased me by saying I was stuffing my bra. I told him to shut-up. He said make-me. So I punched him in the face and he hit the ground. My one and only fight ever... Success! I only got suspended for a half day but he got suspended for three. I gained the respect of girls in several schools and the boys knew their fucking place from then on out.

    Sadly, by high school all my glory had faded and I had to endure verbal berating from fuctards far and wide. But it was fun while it lasted....

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  22. @tazerwarriorprincess

    Back off, bee-yotch, those excrement plushies are aaaaaaalllll mine!

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  23. @Jen & @Tazer. Keep your grubby mitts off my pee and poo. Those are mine, bitches.

    I was pretty normal developmentally, but after I met the hubs I got fat and the boobies got big. Then I popped out 2 kiddies and those suckers deflated like last week's balloons. Now I have 2 tittiescopes pointing down to the ground. Sad face. When I get some money, those suckers are gonna get lifted, bigtime.

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  24. I feel your pain! I had size C cups at age 12! I don't know how it feels to go braless. I sleep in a bra. I bathe in a bra. I bra in a bra.

    That didn't make any sense, but you get where I'm going with that.

    Oh, and I *really* want to be able to show off the pee and poo at my office. More than anything else, I want to put them in my cubicle and when someone pisses me off I can point to the appropriate figure and tell them to either "piss off" of "eat shit". You have no idea how giddy that makes me!

    Stay amazing! :)

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  25. I got boobs early too, they were such a pain and source of endless embarassment. When I got in high school they started coming in handy though.

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  26. The image of you walking around with a bunch of drooling, tit-eying, stinky 12-year-olds wallowing behind you is just too much for my funny sphincter right now.

    I was an early bloomer, too. I had my beer belly a full six years before I'd even had a beer. Does that count? At that time the rolls of fat around my pelvis made my penis actually shrink with every passing year, until I realized I had to go on a big assed diet or risk never getting laid.

    So I lost forty pounds one summer and then I was all cool and every girl my first year in high school wanted to lay me every time I came around the corner.

    Whatever. Can I have the pee and poo now? Love you, BEx. Sorry I haven't been back for awhile. Work is kicking my ass.

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  27. And fuck me but the ad choice ad below my comment when I wrote that was "Signs of Early Puberty"

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  28. Mrs Social AssassinOctober 7, 2011 at 8:35 AM

    Lol, as a friend of mine remarked oh~so~eloquently, "Whoever said gentlemen prefer blondes was talking shit, gentlemen prefer tits - they don't care what colour your hair is!" As the owner of a 32G bust, I'm beginning to think she may have a point!

    PS ~ Bex, if it makes you feel any better about having babies, mine didn't get any bigger during pregnancy! (Thank god!!)

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  29. I'm telling y'all, once you go silicone you'll never go back. They may be a little expensive but when I consider all of the free meals and drinks they've gotten me and the amount of tickets I've avoided by flashing the ol' funbags at the po-po; I'd say they've pretty much paid for themselves.

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  30. @Jen

    Told the hubs this weekend that when we have the money I want a boob job. He seemed surprised. Pfft, like it won't benefit him. He will love those new funbuckets. I'm down to join yo club, Jen.

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