My boys (The All Blacks) have made it through to the semi finals of the rugby world cup. And we are playing motherfucking Australia tonight. The shit is on like it's never been on before.
Now I love Australia. I have heaps of mates there. They are a bunch of good bastards. But when it comes to our nations game, I'm standing right up the front of the pack with my teeth bared like a snarly wolf dog, ready for a Westside Story-type knife fight.
Before I go any further I just need to clarify with you all that I don't normally hump the shit out of sports. Because quite frankly sports & my fat ass don't gel well. Apart from sumo wrestling. I reckon I would be pretty rad at that.
The prospect of losing to Aussie is consuming me. I am having problems sleeping. Everything I eat is giving me the screaming shits. And every time an Australian person (I know a few in my city) so much as looks in my direction, I reach for my flick knife ready to dance (I don't actually own a flick knife but pretending I do is is just as much fun for me). It's nothing personal ya know. Actually that's a lie, it is personal. If we lose, I will die.
I have everything crossable crossed so hard right now that I'm starting to lose feeling in my face.
I am not religious. At all. Obviously. But at times like this I feel the need to turn to something devine & cash in all the good shit I've done in the hope it may give us a better chance of winning. Kind of like a letter to Santa Claus but not. I can't email what I am about to write to anyone because I'm pretty sure Buddha, Jehovah, JC, God & Santa don't have the Internet. It's the thought that counts right so here goes nothing.
Dear Supreme Beings,
Yo homies. The All Blacks need to win tomorrow or I will die. And I'm telling you you do not want me up there blocking your toilets & trying to fight everyone by throwing handfuls of bees in their face. Or setting my pet great white shark on their legs. These aren't idle threats either. I am a dangerous woman.
You may be asking yourselves right now what have I done for you lately? Quite rightly so. Let me point out to you some of the good things I have done in my life.
I have nothing.
Um so I am under a lot of pressure right now & have never been very good at thinking on my feet. But you can bet your balls that there is a really long list hidden somewhere in my memory of good things I have done. At this very moment however I am having issues accessing that part of my brain. I'm overexcited. But hey I was thinking that since all you guys are magic & shit you could probably save me the hassle & get in there & have a look yourselves. Just make sure you please do it when I'm sleeping.
I am kind to everyone, even to people I don't like that much. And I like most babies. And I didn't drop kick Pixie the cat today when I was around at my sisters house. Even though she has anal leakage problems & always backs her hairy anus up on to me at every opportunity. I also looked away when we discovered two of my sisters cockatiel budgie bird things were humping. They needed their privacy.
I don't take loss well. The last time we lost 4 years ago, I had to take 3 days off uni to mourn, which I spent hidden in my bed eating chips & chocolate & crying about what could've been. I can't do through this again guys!!
I know you may be busy right now organising some rain for Uganda & shit, but if you could please just take 2 minutes to send some good luck vibes our way (preferably at 9pm tonight NZ time) I would very much appreciate it. I won't be going to church but I will try to tone the blasphemy down & get my mother in law to sing my praises for me every Sunday.
'Sweet Jesus' is a term I use a lot in my blog posts. Call this free advertising. Essentially you owe me.
HI EVERYONE. THIS IS MY FRIEND PIRI. PIRI WEEPU.
This here photo has been flying around Shitbook all week. It made me laugh. Piri wears the number 10 jersey for our rugby team. He ain't no pin up boy y'all, although he's a pretty mean ass Maori. He is NZ's equivalent of rugby Jesus. He's on a mish to help us take this world cup. The job is half done folks.
Pray for us.
If we don't win, a horror to which I can not fathom at this point, I am going to video myself singing the Australian National Anthem & post it on my blog. I may also do it with my pants on the ground & a plastic bag on my head in the hopes that it suffocates me. Trust me you don't want to fucking see this.
Before I go, some good friends of mine in Blogland, beautiful Angie from Angie Uncovered & funny as fuck Shane from Wag The Dad fame, have decided to join forces & bitch off against each other. Dudes verses Ho's kinda smack talk type deal. Check it out by clicking on the picture below. They are both extremely funny so it's got to be good.
MY WEEK IN A NUT SHELL:
I got the shits from Pepperoni Pizza. THE END.
Peace & nervous diahorrea!
P.S If you don't hear from me for a few days, you know why.