Meet Paul. He's a dick.

WARNING: THIS POST IS NOT FUNNY. SORRY GUYS!!!

This guy right here is the dumbest douchebag I have ever met. And I don't even feel bad publicly shaming him because he deserves it. If I could tie him to a piece of wood & stone him I would but he's no longer located within the region in which I live.

Last summer, a friend of mine got chatting to this dude on a dating website. Anyway he was overly keen & she was totally not really interested in him.

One day when she & I were hanging in her car at the beach, this jeep pulls up beside us with hip hop music blaring out the open windows.

We sat there taking the piss out of him, not knowing who he was, & it turns out it was Paul, the guy she'd been chatting to online.

Now I still don't know if this was a coincidence that he happened to pull up right beside us at our local beach. Or he'd been following my friends car. More then likely the latter.

Anyway, he got chatting to us, & here is some of the things he told us.

Before I go any further, I just need to state for the record, that being a recovering gambling addict (more on this another time but 8 years gambling free yay!!) I can't smell a bullshitter from a mile away. You can't bullshit a reformed professional bullshitter.

• Paul has a brain tumor.
• Paul is in a Hip Hop band signed to a major NZ Hip Hop label Dawn Raid.
• Paul is a NZ Stock car champion, his nickname is 'The Grim Reaper'. And he is loaded.
• Paul is one of the big wigs for Telecom NZ so he can slack off & work when he feels like it.

Yet here he was, chilling at the beach, rapping along to Tupac saying that he was 'practising' for his bands 'performance' they had coming up at one of our local clubs. I knew he was full of shit.

So my friend & I decided to do a little investigating. And surprise surprise, he lied about everything.

Dawn Raid had never heard of him or his band.
The Rock Bar, who's owner I know, had never heard of his band nor do they even have live bands play in their bar. I have friends who work for Telecom that had never heard of him. And I also have family & friends involved with Stockcars that had never heard of him.

Now we could have left this alone but he started obsessively texting my friend telling her that he really liked her & wanted to pursue a relationship with her. She was like no way motherfucker & sent him a carefully worded text telling him that she knew he was lying about everything & wanted to know what his game was.

He text back saying she didn't know what she was talking about & to go fuck herself. First dead giveaway that someone knows they've been busted lying is when they go on the defense.

This doesn't end here. We thought we were pretty awesome cos we'd blown his bullshit stories & exposed him, even though it was only to ourselves, as a big wanky dickslapping liar.

The next day, my friend receives a text message from an unknown number from 'Pauls mother' saying that he had in fact died during the night. Oh no, this prick was not going to leave it at that. So my mate played along saying how sorry she was & asking when the funeral was. She (Paul) replied saying that it was being held at the Stockcar club up north & even named the place.

We waited for his death notice to appear in the paper. It never came. There was no knowledge of him ever being admitted to Nelson Hospital & we rang the stock car club enquiring about the funeral & they didn't know anything about it.

So my friend rang his phone. AND HE ANSWERED IT.

First rule of faking your own death you sick fuck is to never answer your cellphone when someone rings you. The second rule is always wear a disguise when you go out in public. Because if I happen to see you parked near the Supermarket down St Vincent Street I will yell abuse at you out the window.

We moved on, forgot about him. But every time I see a jeep like his I nearly rip my own head off straining to see if he's driving. Apparently dead people can drive too ya know.

That was until yesterday when reading the daily news online, I stumbled across this piece of news. Read it. Enjoy it. Hate him as much as me & my mate do. And everyone else we've told about it.

He is going to get bum rapped in prison & I couldn't be more excited for him.

Peace!

P.S While I do feel very sorry for those people that suffer with mental illness, using it to fuck people over is not ok with me.
P.P.S As of 1230 today I am off to Wellington to hang out with my best whore for the weekend. I won't be taking my laptop with me like last time so I will return on Monday with lots of shit to tell you I'm sure.