Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Giant Testicles, strained groin muscles & a wallet stuck to my head.

So after my nervous pre-game freak out post on Sunday, it turns out that we won. The anxious shitfest was not in vain.

Cheers for this Kev!! Cracked me up for about an hour x

Please note: totally not rubbing it in Aussies (although just quietly I nearly fist pumped my arm off). I dam well know what it's like to lose & it sucks. Especially when your whole country goes in to mourning. And your big ass country shits all over ours size wise 100 times over. Sincere condolences. Ok I will shut it now.

Right from kick off, I knew that that second place in the final game Sunday coming was ours. With a 60,000+ strong crowd full of shitfaced drunk kiwis, how could we seriously lose? We played a mean 80 minutes of rugby. I don't know what cracker was fired up their asses but god dam it was an awesome game.

I jumped so high off the couch when Nonu scored that first try that I smashed myself in the chin with my own tits. It didn't hurt. Just surprised me a little. I underestimated their bounciness.

I screamed so loud that when my husband got home after the game, I had no voice.
I got tangled in the curtains while hanging out the window yelling my celebratory glee at the boats bobbing with excitement in the marina & smacked my head on the door. That hurt.

I'm a loose cannon. This is why I must watch rugby games by myself.

I nearly burst an aortic valve in my heart because I was so dam proud. SO PROUD. Like if you had of come to me after that game on Sunday night & said 'hey Bex can I tattoo a silver fern on your face?' I would've been all like hell yeah go hard. I was high on happy guys! Word.

So bring on 9pm Sunday night folks when we dance with the motherfucking French. Four years ago, they got rid of us in the quarter final match which no one ever thought would happen. I wailed like Keniki from Grease on that Celebrity Rehab show a few years back when he was coming off the smack. NZ has mourned that bullshit day for the last 4 years.

Taking in to account France's extremely below par performance throughout this entire world cup (how the bloody hell they have got through to the finals who knows. All I'm going to say is that those frogs have some hella luck), our chances at holding that glorious golden trophy are looking mighty fine.


I've decided to break tradition & actually watch the final with other people. (*cue danger music & gasps from the crowd).We have a fan zone set up down the end of the main street of our city. There is a big fuck off projector screen set up, with equally sized speakers & Ima gon be there. I'm feeling pretty positive (90%) that we have this in the bag. And I want to cheer, celebrate & hug the shit out of some strangers. This could get interesting.

Moving right along (I promise all this rugby talk will all be over after this weekend then I'll go back to talking about poo & prostitutes), yesterday I had a session with a personal trainer. Not an actual session. Because apparently they don't promote social drug taking. Anyway I've lost near on 16kg but over the last month it's been going up & down & not really going the way I want it to. So I thought screw it, one of those sexy CityFitness trainers can give me a reaming. And ream he did. I can't move today. Only my fingers to type & even that's hurting me.

After my gym reaming I went to the supermarket to buy some veg for dinner. Whilst standing in the cue I scratched an itch on my head. As you do. Because I was holding the grocery basket on one arm I had to use the other hand which was also holding my large lady wallet to relieve my noggin itch. Blake didn't want to do it for me because he said I was sweaty.

So I scratched. And upon doing so, got the zip thingy on my purse somehow caught in my hair. And this wasn't just a little bit stuck. It was a whole shit tonne of stuck like a big natty dread lock hanging from the back of my head.

Hubs & I pissed ourselves. Because it was ridiculous. No lie, I had to go through the checkout, pay for my groceries & walk back to our car, with my wallet hanging from the back of my head. We sat in the car for a good 10 minutes crying laughing trying as hard as we could to get this dam wallet unstuck from my hair.

It was funny ok. And just now I tried to take a photo of my purse while holding it up to my head where it got stuck last night & it got stuck again. It's trying to eat my head. I don't understand what it's problem is.

Lastly, have you ever heard anyone say, 'now I've seen it all'. Well bitches, I have seen it all. My friend Emma put a link on Shitbook today that caught my attention within seconds of being posted because it had the word 'scrotum' in the title. And we all know how I feel about the scrotum.

At first I hesitated before clicking on it, thinking that maybe it was one of those spam links where you get fooled into believing you might get to see some girl pushing a goat eating anaconda out her beave or something.

You know what I'm talking about don't you?

Because you know that I know when your facebook account spams me with links like that, you just clicked on that link & tried to watch it. You dirty dirty shithead.

Anyhow, check the link out for yourself if you want but I can totally summarise it for you.

It's a guy named Warren from America with a testicle that weighs 45kg. And his god dam giant nut sac is wearing a god dam hoodie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't stop exclamating!!! This is just too rad!!!!! And fucked up!


He suffers from a medical condition called Scrotal Elephantitis. And he needs to raise $1.25 million to have the surgery to fix it.

I don't understand how he could let it get to such a grand size without wondering shit guys, I think my testes are broke yo. Ya think Warren??!!!! It looks like a small child trying to stow away in his undercarriage.

Warren finds it hard to use the bathroom & suffers from frequent bouts of depression. And while I feel sorry for him, I don't want him to stop loving himself & his giant man bag because dam that's impressive nuttage. So impressive that it has it's own foot stool. Instead it's not a foot stool. It's a Scrot Stool.

Good luck Warren. I hope you get your balls sorted soon but in the meantime at least it looks gangsta in it's orange hoody. It's important to be trendy.

Enough about me. Anyone stumbled across something completely whack on the world wide web this week?


P.S Funk Soul Warrens Testicle.

P.P.S He ain't heavy, he's Warrens Testicle.

P.P.P.S Tonight I'm loving Warrens Testicle.

P.P.P.P.S Achey Breaky Warrens Testicle

P.P.P.P.P.S Cotton Eyed Warrens Testicle

P.P.P.P.P.P.S Move Like Warrens Testicle

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S Party Rock Warrens Testicle

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S My Endless Warrens Testicle

See what I'm doing right there. I could go on forever. Go on, you know you want to.


  1. Christ Bags not giving him head thats carrying a shit load when it fires! K x

  2. Yeah maybe thats really his problem! He didnt cause damage getting it stuck while rolling over really its just the worst cause of blue balls ever! A prostitute gotta be way cheaper than 1.25 million to fix the problem?

  3. Oh god. *deep breath*

    Warren's Testicle Vibrations.
    Warren's Testicle In A Cage/Rat in Warren's Testicle.
    Moves Like Warren's Testicle.
    Warren's Testicle (Drink to That).
    Set Fire to Warren's Testicle.
    Don't Hold Warren's Testicle.
    Warren's Testicle in The Sky with Diamonds.

    Ok... I think I'm done.
    I've got 99 problems, but Warren's Testicle ain't one.

  4. Nope, I'm going off in a different direction. I'm envisioning Warren's mama on the delivery table and the doctor saying, "Push! I can see the baby's hea... well, it's kinda wrinkly but you won't notice it when his hair grows in. Wait, it's also kinda squishy. Push! Breathe and push. Oh sweet Jayzus. No! Suck it back in! Suck it back in!"

    Sorry Warren. No, I don't usually laugh at the misfortune of others. Damn, man - apply for Canadian citizenship and get some goddamned healthcare. This country sucks and blows in that department.

  5. First, obviously your wallet is actually a zombie wallet. You must shoot it in the head. For your own protection. It may shamble it's way to your head at night whilst you are sleeping and eat your brains. Do it now!

    Second, that is not like a small child. It is like he is standing atop a reflecting pool. It is the size of him! But the hoody is cool. Mad props Warren.

    Don't Let Warren's Testicle Go Down On You
    I Can't Help Falling in Love with Warren's Testicles
    Come On Warren's Testicles
    Every Rose Has It's Warren's Testicles
    I'm Too Sexy for Warren's Testicles
    Where the Streets Have No Warren's Testicles

    I could really do this all day.

  6. @sowakeup the 99 problems one was brilliant! :)

  7. Man you guys rock at this!

    God Defend Warrens Testicle (our new National Anthem).
    Rock my Soul in the bosom of Warrens Testicle (only fair to throw in a religious song).
    Who Let Warrens Testicle Out!
    Star Spangled Warrens Testicle (he is American after all)
    Crazy, Sexy, Warrens Testicle.
    These boots were made for Warrens Testicle.
    Son of a Warrens Testicle.
    Smooth Warrens Testicle.

    I've woken up this Thursday morning with a new vision for this testicle verses song montage.

    @Sowakeup - Agreed, 99 Problems is indeed awesome.

  8. Fuck! Warn a bitch, Bex! That scrot was magical. My friend was looking for a roommate on craigslist and came across this little gem.

    You're welcome.

  9. Funny shit again Bex, you've got to let me get over each rib-busting laugh before you post again, my heart might just go all face-hugger from Aliens on me any minute. Since I can't resist some word-play......

    Ain't No Love In The Heart Of Warren's Testicle
    You Fill Up Warren's Testicle
    Another One Bites The Warren's Testicle
    Warren's Testicle Walks The Line
    Ballroom Blitz Warren's Testicle
    God Save Warren's Testicle
    The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Warren's Testicle
    Scream, Aim, Fire Warren's Testicle

    There are genuinely thousands of these......

    As for bizarre internet discoveries...

    You asked!!

  10. I mean....what's in there? I bet he wants to cut it open all the time. I bet it's full of candy corn. This could be a fun game----guess what's inside Warren's pinata sac.

  11. @sowakeup

    hahaha. "I got 99 problems but Warren's testicle ain't one."

    Thank the lord.

  12. @Becca Switzer I reckon his scrotum actually grew teeth & ate his dog. There is a canine in there Becca I'm sure of it.

  13. @socialassassin I'm too scared to check that link out. Will do it later when I'm home alone. In bed. With no my laptop & no pants on.

  14. to be completely honest, I haven't been able to breathe long enough to come up with a single muthafuckin song title and even if I could I am just staring at the bright orange splendor.... You have pulled me out of my funk and made me laugh... for that I live you miss bex.

  15. You rock. And that piss and shit image cracked me up, too, when I saw that over on his site.

    And I am sooo glad you won. Otherwise, NZ would have had lots of piss and shit everywhere.

    Thanks for promoting my getting my ass kicked. I won't forget it. In case you need anybody wacked.

  16. Ohhh Becky! hahaha I would have loved to have seen the wallet vs. hair incident. I hope you didn't lose too much of your lovely locks.

    And about wow. You should google the guy that injected his penis with silicone. He has a video -- and he shows it. And...GO!

  17. Don't Stand So Close to Warren's Testicle
    Shake, Rattle and Roll Warren's testicle
    Warren's Testicle Will Go On
    How To Love Warren's Testicle
    Don't Stop Believin' in Warren's Testicle
    Warren's Testicle On My Mind

    Oh God. . .must stop. . .

  18. @Bexstar

    I like to think it's filled with candy like a pinata. A giant ball pinata. No one would want to eat any of that candy though. What a waste.


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