Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The winner is.........& why I will never run a marathon.

Christ this last month has gone fast. And I feel like I have been neglecting you guys. Well just so you know, I haven't been neglecting yous fullas & fullessas at all. Cos I love you. True story.

Life (aka work & rugby) has been hardout raping my attention. Yes the rugby is over but that doesn't mean I'm not still revelling in our epic win. I am allowed to do that for the next 6 months. It's the rules & I challenge anyone to tell me why I can't. You should know I will probably cut you.

And then the weekend just been, I flew to our nations capital of Wellington to hang with my best whore & go shopping. And drink wine. And eat chips. It was fanfuckingtastic!

We got gangsta. (in my pyjamas BOOM)

We drank a shit tonne of vino

And we got crunk. My feet hurt
(I'm half hearted arm flailing at this point. I was ready to go sleeps)

So yeah........ I been busy as yo! But after some time to dwell on things I've realised that I got to keep my shit fresh or you bitches are gona up & leave me.

First things first, the new owner of plush toy Pee & Poo goes to.............comment 67.

I would like to show y'all the random number generator thingy but its being a dickhole & I can't get the photo up on here so everyone just has to trust me now.

Emma, message me on Shitbook or email me bexstard@yahoo.co.nz with your postal address & I send you some piss & shit. Awesome. And probably the one & only time I will ever mail some piss & shit without being arrested.

The other night I was watching a piece on the news about a NZ rugby coach that did the Auckland Marathon last weekend to help raise money for one of his players that's going through chemo. I thought shit yeah that's pretty nice thing to do. That was until they interviewed him as he crossed the finish line & he had red blood on his t-shirt similar to this guy. Except way worse.

I turned to my husband & said to him (in all my marathon naivety)

"Someone shot him in the nips with a paintball gun?".

And then one of his mates arrived at the finish line 2 minutes behind him & he too had two big bloody splotches on his white t-shirt.

So I said.....'what in the fuck are those red marks on their shirts?"

Blake tells me that it is in fact from the nipple chafe. Their nipples are bleeding. OH HELL NO!!!! It looked like someone had tried to carve their initials into his bitch tits while he was yogging & clearly slipped with the knife just a lil bit.

I have since found out that this nip bleeding is quite common. I was fucking horrified. And apart from obviously being a 'real suck time' this is another reason why I will never run a marathon.

Another thing I need to tell you is that over the weekend I discovered something to add to my 'GOOD THINGS ASIANS HAVE INVENTED' list. And that would be Coconut Buns. Please try them if you ever  get the chance. Sweet doughy goodness. And way fucking bad for you which is the reason why I won't have them again for a while.

I promise you it will be the best mastication you ever have in your life or top 5 atleast. I would sell things I'm not allowed to sell for some of those Coconut Buns. Like my husbands mean xbox game selection. Or his copius Anime DVD's. Basically all the gay stuff he has way too much of which in turn makes me not like it.

Right I'm off to eat a shitload of crackers in Blakes side of the bed while enjoying my new book. Hopefully the generous & annoying scattering of cracker crumbs that get trapped in his jacksie will remind him to please wear boxers in bed & please stop backing his naked ass crack up on to me like he's parking a bicycle. Marriage is fun.

What you guys been up to? Anyone ever tried Coconut Buns before?


P.S A hobo left his skank slippers outside my work & I'm too scared to touch them in case I get hoboitis. Or Hobo AIDS.


  1. holy shit! I had no idea about the nipple bleeding thing. Christ it makes me want to cry just seeing it.

  2. Hobo AIDS sux....that being said I would rather get ass pounded raw dog by a hobo with the meanest case of AIDS ever than to run a fuggin marathon. I enjoy my nipples and really dont want them lookin like two busted hymens...

  3. Dude!! my bro just ran a halfer and now I'm freaked out and feel like throwing up, serious... Its not even 8am here. Well done love, well done.

  4. I've run 16 marathons. Not only do you get nip chafe, you get rug burn on your gotch, and usually wind up with a case of the gut-cramping Hershey squirts that lasts a solid (or, not so solid) week. Runners are some fucked up people, yo.

  5. My nipples are screaming just reading it! Good thing I will soon have Poo's and Wee's to make them feel better!! So excited I never win anything:)

  6. they bleed, for real? omg... I'm taking "run a marathon" off my bucket list.

  7. Add that to the list of reasons why I'll never run a marathon. Apparently some people also experience major incontinence after/during a marathon. And not incontinence of the urine kind. :/

    Coconut buns are the bomb. You can find a lot of tasty treats in the Chinese bakery.

  8. Hey prosti beave, I gave you a blog award, you lime licking kraken whacker. (I just read the "Sailor Trouble" post on regretsy, and had swears on the brain, and thought you may get a giggle)

    http://wanna-be-a-pinup.blogspot.com/2011/11/versatile-bog-awards.html (bahahaha bog awards)

  9. OMG on the nipple chafe!!!!!!! Good grief!!!!!! That's fucking horrible!!!!! Why don't they prepare for that and put some of those little round band aids on their nips? Is it like swimming where they need to shave every piece of hair to be slicker and faster in the water? I mean, because if thats the case they would all at least be running shirtless, right? And that's another solution: RUN SHIRTLESS so the only thing chafing is the wind. But that would be more like a caress.


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