Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Hatin' On: Bare Naked Beaves

I've never quite got the allure of a fully shaven bagina. This may be down to the fact that I am not a lesbian, a man or have a penchant for getting all up in a lady's beave when I'm drunk & confused, aka bi-sexual. Nothing against the lady lovers. I have gay friends & I love the shit out of them regardless of their sexual preference. One love people!!

In fact, the only first hand experience I've had with another lady's cootch (apart from thoroughly enjoying accidentally watching the odd banger movie) is a day in my early 20's aptly titled  'Face full of Fanny'. This particular day my sister, a good friend & I were sitting on the porch of our flat smoking cigarettes. In the excitement of the nicotine party, my friend accidentally knocked the flaming ash end of her fag down her crotchal region. Cue legs flailing in the air & much box punching. (her punching her own box, I wasn't going near it).

It was during this frenzy that I got a face full of her burning kooka. She had decided not to wear underwear that day. Big ups. It's hotter than hedes here in summer & no one likes a sweaty minge. Anyway I laughed until I'd half pissed my pants. Afterwards we all sat in silence, sans eye contact, in mild shock, not quite sure what we'd just witnessed but the mental image ingrained in our minds for eternity. No one has ever spoken about it but to this date one of the funniest & most disturbing things I have ever seen.

Y'all should know that no piss muffins were injured on that day. Only minor burnage which I guess, in the area in question, is not pleasant. Since she now has a child one can only assume her poon is fully functioning & didn't suffer any long term damage.

Moving right along, to reiterate, I don't understand the fascination with bald completely hair free fanny's. Me, I keep mine maintained  because it feels cleaner. But I can't bring myself to be completely bald. I have done it a few times at the request of past loves, then immediately regretted it afterwards. For these reasons.
  • It itches like fuck. Now I suffer from eczema in the creases of my groin so I'ma scratching that shit all the time anyway. Add in a freshly shaved banger & sweet Jesus I go to town. It ends up looking all red & angry which in turn does not excite the bare fanny requestee anyway so what is the god dam point.
  • Box waxing hurts. I don't know this first hand because I've never had it done. I'm lucky that my muff bush city limits is not overly hairy anyway. Much to my beauty therapist sisters disgust. There ain't no way any ripping of pubi is happening in my world. I refuse to pay for pain unless it's permanent.
  • The last time my muff was completely & naturally hair free was when I was 11. To me personally, a man wanting to cock punch a hairless beave is all kinds of messed up. On the few occasions I have been hairless, I couldn't look down there. It confused me. My poontang was 11 again, but the rest of me was still 22? Nothing matched & it frightened me.
  • If you have sensitive skin, it can get spotty down there. It ain't pretty & I ain't talking the herps here, I'm talking ingrown hairs/mound acne. These bastards flare up like your vulv has contracted the pox all by itself. Bad bad BAD.
  • The feeling of a freshly de-haired wiki rubbing against the crotch of your pants is to date the weirdest sensation I have ever experienced. While not totally unpleasant, it is cold & feels like it's being lovingly caressed by a silk pillow case. Most would think wow this must be nice, not me yo. I thinks it feels like bullshit.
  • Chaffe. When the hair starts growing back, & you're grinding up on your cock monster, chaffe can happen. To him. While this isn't a bad thing for the lady, he feels like he's been manscaped by a sanding machine. Ouchy!!! On the other hand, if we're expected to bust small people out our lobes then MAN up muthafucka. A little bit of pubis chaffe ain't got nothing on a 4-way torn perineum.
  • It makes everything look bigger down there when there's absence of fuzz. And I sure as shit don't like having big clanger meat shanks hanging out all over the show. This works in the mans favour when he has been de-haired, but certainly not ours.
If I came face to face with someones bare growler I would cry. Big honking afraid tears. It would be akin to having a face off with an angry baby taco.

In the olden days, sporting a muffro was the epitome of femininity. If you had an au naturel hairy goblet, the boys would all be fizzing at the bung to come to your yard. What's changed? Are the generations becoming fussier? Does the idea of an out of control Bear Trappers Hat no longer appeal? Yes it may be visually offensive but dang it still does what it's meant to.

I remember when I was a kid, accidentally (I was looking for stashed Christmas presents ok) finding a 'Joy of Sex' book in my parents bedroom. I didn't know what the fuck it was all about but I was both amazed & impressed at the 70's lady bush nearly jumping out of the book & suffocating my young face. When did it get untrendy?

I asked my husband what he thought about bare naked beaves. He said, he's not too bothered although he does like not having to dig through the bush scrub to get to the good stuff. A trimmed gon is cleaner & more presentable (like it's a god dam business propsal). Apparently. He seems quite satisfied with mine. WIN!

He also asked me why some girls smell fishy. Eau de Tuna if you please. I had to explain.

FYI - That's a god dam vag illness called Vaginitis!! You can't judge us, men folk. The Vagine does what it does. It has a mind of it's own & it's a sensitive crevasse. You wash your undies in new cheap washing powder & BOOM, you gots a nasty case of fish pants. You eat antibiotics like M&M's & BOOM, your beave goes feral on you & you end up with an intense external/internal itch so ferocious you consider chopping it out of your own body.

This young lady is displaying what I like to call 'Candida Face'.

So to you all, cornholers & beave monsters, to be fur free or hippy that shit up?. That is the question. What say you people of the universe?

I hope you enjoyed being revolted by a filthy mind. My pleasure.

Peace, love & hairy bangers

P.S Mum you better still love me. I can't control this. It's bigger than both of us.


    1. I don't go for full-frontal, but for fuck's sake groom that thatch like it's going to walk the runway at Bryant Park. First commandment of poon topiary: Thou shalt not look like Buckwheat is nesting in your granny panties.

    2. I've gotta admit, I won't eat something I can't see. I'm a big fan... and, apparently in the UK, MOST girls shave it all off.

      Trust me... I've had... 'some' experience.

    3. When guys go bare it's even weirder. Yeesh.

    4. Oh! A topic that's near and dear to my heart! I once did a complete rant on bare beaves and the pedophile factor before it finally dawned on me that the ladies who were going for the shaved and waxed look were also the ladies who were wearing dental floss stuck up their snatch and ass and calling it underwear. Teeny tiny thongs do NOT look appealing with bush hanging out either side - I've seen pictures (but after sending you scrot shots I'll spare you the hairy lady crotches). I'm with you - keep things somewhat shaved and neat and tidy and trimmed too short to braid and I figure I've done my part.

      Also too, (that saying is an American politics thing, ignore it), vajazzling is a big thing here, and hair and glue just don't work well together. I'll let you look that one up, too. You're welcome.

    5. I'm TOTALLY with you on the fully shaved vadge.. it's just all kinds of wrong. I pretty much agree with everything you've said here. I knew there was a reason you were awesome.


      Bare Beave sucks. Holy McItchyPants, Batman. Fuck that noise.

    7. okay I realize I may be in the minority but... My personal preference is not much of the nether-hair. Now to be fair I don't have much to start with so I'd keep the smallest amount (at the discretion of my esthetition) and yes it hurts a bit but I am a fucking clean freak and don't wear underwear - worth a bit o pain every 6 weeks or so. And now that you all know way too much about me and we can never possible meet in person, there ya have it. Though I will say, the man has a pref of a bit more on top so I've let the upper half have a little more style, but still... nothing below the belt, er peak...

      ps... that is a fuckload to talk about in a comment and I thought about being anon for about 30 secs but what the fuck...

    8. Good post, I saw your comments on Angie Uncovered so thought I'd have a look. Lo and behold it's full of fannies,(Fannies don't mean bums over here). My wife offered to shave off everything down there and I'm happy to say that I didn't want that. By all means keep it tidy down there, I do.

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    10. (f*** you spell check)
      I waver between the tidy landing strip and barely there. I'm not a big fan of the completely bare look myself and since I'm the only damn person who sees it I might as well do it like I want, right?!

      If I had the patience and the willpower to grow a thriving garden I might get all Edward Scissor Hands on it and cut a nice Celtic Knot pattern in there. Fortunately, I have no will power and plenty of razors, epilators, creams at my disposal.

    11. i hate shaving my lady-junk. so i just shave it bare so that i can take a month and a half to two months off until it's annoying again. i don't like it bare, but i'm also too lazy to want to bother with trimming it every few days.

    12. Oh, I'm so glad I'm finding time to catch up with your posts. I especially love the "protesters". haha


    I love reading your comments. Comments are sexy.