Monday, November 14, 2011

Excessive Consumption

Have you ever shat so hard & copiously that you couldn't possibly shit no more without busting an important aortic vessel?


Well I have. But of course.

Some people I know got married on Saturday morning. I was both honoured & humbled to be asked to sing at their wedding ceremony. Friday eve they had their rehearsal which I had to attend so I knew where to stand when I got all Mariah up in here. It was at 5pm which is the time of day that I am so hungry I would skin, BBQ, & eat someones baby. So instead I ate some breath mints I had in my handbag. Desperate times! I convinced myself they would keep the ravenous hunger at bay for 45 minutes until I was free to leave the rehearsal.

In my wedding rehearsal boredom I read the mint storage vesicle & noticed the small print 'Excessive Consumption Causes Laxative Effect'. Ok cool. I'ma gon test this out & make sure they aren't lying to their consumers. Because one thing I hate more than being hungry, is people who lie about their product potentially making me excrete like an angry erupting volcano. So I ate 10 mints in a row. Badass I know.

Fast forward an hour later, after just finishing my dinner, my guts starts doing weird gurgling I'm gona shit myself kinda noises. And I run, like sprint to the lav where I just make it in time before I explode like a burst water mains. It made such a horrendous noise that it shook the walls of our tiny apartment. And I swore a loud & groany MUTHHHHHHHAAAAAAFUCKER as the laxative took effect on my bowels.

Blake says I should get this hoody. It can be my poo sweatshirt.

I nearly died last on Friday night. 3 times. I lost about 5kg & spent more time in the bathroom than any other room in my house. Blake thought it was funny & disgusting & insisted I had a shower before getting into our bed in case I spread some of my angry fecal dust on our clean sheets. Not even brother love!!

He should know by now that I am very particular post poo cleaner & ALWAYS make sure no excess has been left on my undercarriage. Hence why I use baby wipes. So fresh!

I am also a Leo. Cats are famous for having the cleanest assholes in the universe. Except for my nieces cat Pixie. She normally has fecal remnants dangling from her back end every time she trys to up on me. And she gets all confused as to why I commit minor animal abuse by way of kicking when she gets all up in my business sticking her puckered cathole in my face. Hello Pixie?!! Your ass needs a cleaning!! Sort it out yo!!!!

I also do a 2 point bowl clean check. That would be checking the underside of the seat for stray splatters & making sure the bowl is skid free. It's a sign of respect for my husband & his auto-retch shit phobia. I only wish the men I work with would show the same sign of respect for me. This is never going to happen. But a bitch can only live in hope.

In summary, it seems that yes, when over consuming Eclipse breath mints as advised on the tin, you will indeed get yourself a mad dose of the runny bum lava. I don't recommend trying this yourself. I have done it for you (my pleasure) & can now confirm that the aren't bullshitting when they write that stuff.

This sugar free business is mean. We fattys stay clear of sugar laden things because it makes our bums fatter, & instead go for sugar free options. Sugar free options that make us shit our pants when we eat too much of it. Either way it's a bad fucking time.

Speaking of fat bums, I had my second personal training session with Mike someone today. I didn't feel like he was trying to kill me. In fact, I enjoyed it. Firstly he had me lay down in the gym mat on my back then hump the shit out of the air above me while he held a giant rubber band around my knees. It was weird & awesome & I wasn't even uncomfortable about how close he was to my sweaty bagina.

After that he got me on the leg press again. Easier than last week, shit yes!! Then he had me lay upside down on my front where I basically had to kick my own ass with my heels. This was weird & I commented on how I felt like I was waiting for a rectal examination because my gigantor ass was sticking right on up there a happy moon. He laughed. Loudly. I laughed too. Which made my bum flaps wobble. Which made us both laugh some more. It seems Mike someone can handle my funny. And my wobbly ass. He finds it entertaining.

We also talked about my goals. As well as the obvious weight loss & getting fit mish he's helping me with, I also told him that my ultimate goal is to kick a door off it's hinges. Once I can kick the fuck out of a door without breaking my femur, I know I've achieved greatness.

Til that day comes, I vow to keep on humping the air, kicking my own ass & laughing at my wobbly bits flopping around the place like they've dropped an E & are hey ho-ing it at a Ministry of Sound rave.

Has anyone ever tested the excessive consumption warning? Or am I just stupid on my own?



  1. My Mother always threatened us with the laxative warnings but never had it come true!

  2. Bex, you turn taking a shit into an entire symphony. And I'm not just talking about the noise.

    Never tried out any laxative effect intentionally. However, I have discovered some of it on my own. Usually, though, stuff like that does not affect me in a shitting but a flatulent way. Miserable. You're talking about busting your aorta? I've done that shit farting, milady.

    Anyway, I think it is so cool that you wright about this stuff. I always laugh. Always. And I never laugh with anyone else. You're like the give-me-an-orgasm of shit humor for me.

    Thanks. Now my face hurts. Untrained muscles being used.

    And I feel a fart coming on...

  3. You made me laugh so much I spelled "write" as "wright." Me talk pretty one day.

  4. Ooh sugar free candy is evil! I made that mistake once thinking I could binge like a semi-responsible bulimic. Wrong-fuckin-o.

    I'm trying to picture this exercise where you kick your own ass (always on the lookout for new moves). That kicking down a door shit is the best goal I've heard in EVER. Are you going for Gangsta-style or Lady-Cop style?

  5. I had food poisoning this weekend, so I can totally share in your bathroom tales... I still don't feel ok. Thankfully my bf had the same affliction, so there was no judgement going around.... just lots of air freshener.

  6. Oh, you cute little thangs! Just wait until you're 183 years old like moi and need gallbladder surgery or a colonoscopy. You will shit, then you will shit orange laxative, then you will shit clear liquid, and finally you will shit and think you're pissing out your asshole because all that comes out is a clear liquid that doesn't even open your sphincter, so it's like a high-pressure water gun (Damn, that was great! How often do you get to use the word sphincter in a sentence when you're not just calling someone a name?). But man, talk about not needing to worry about angry fecal dust.

  7. I also use baby wipes to clean my ass! If my asshole isn't wet I don't feel clean. All my friends make fun of me for that shit too. They also make fun of me for wiping back to front as well....k i admit thats kinda weird but I promise my balls are shit free!

    I also love that one of you goals is to kick a door off it's hinges.

    "Once I can kick the fuck out of a door without breaking my femur, I know I've achieved greatness." awesomesauce.....I love you!

  8. I am so glad you disclosed the name of said mints. I've never read such a warning on my breath mints. But then again, I've never been that hungry for mints. Well, I'm glad Eclipse isn't lying to its consumer base just for "shits and giggles."

    Butt exploding incident aside, I hope you got all Mariah up in the place for the wedding. ;)

  9. I used to chew sugar-free gum when I ran but it gave me Hershey squirts of ass-shattering proportions. Ditto for fat free ice cream. That shit doesn't just taste like a steaming bowl of ass, it will make you shoot non-dairy bongwater out of your chocolate starfish for days.

  10. Damn. I had a funny-as-fuck response in mind, and then the phrase "non-dairy bongwater out of your chocolate starfish" just felled me, and now I can't think because I'm laughing too hard. Any harder, and I may actually shit myself.
    BTW, your parcel arrived in the mail today Bex - many thanks for all the funky extra shit (haha) you put in there - just wondering, have you ever done similar research into the laxative effect of Perkynana's, because I just went through those suckers like Oprah at a free buffet....

  11. Thank you for saving me from a horrifying fate!

  12. I second what the assassin said about the non dairy bongwater. And I also agree that sugar free ice cream tastes like a steaming bowl of ass.

    I have not had the laxative effect due to overconsumption, per say, but damn if that morning cigarette/coffee combination doesn't do a lil somthin' somthin' my toilet bowl might not like!

    Wait: does excessive consumption of alcohol count? Because that's never a pretty morning after either. ESPECIALLY if it is combined with Flo's first day visiting.

  13. @Jen fat free ice cream is the devil's cum. Seriously, that stuff is whack.

  14. I never knew that about sugar free shit, and I've been dieting pretty much since I was in the womb. I will have to keep my eye on those sugar free bastards. I guess I've just never consumed vast quantities, thus keeping me safe from a poo-rific explosion from the hershey highway.

    I did know that those fat free chips have some secret ingredient that makes you shit your brain out. I have tried to avoid those devil crisps like a Justin Beiber concert. My mom used to eat them by the boatload. I don't even want to think about the inner workings of her digestive track after consumption. Shudder.


I love reading your comments. Comments are sexy.