Sunday, November 6, 2011

Prizes make me jizz. Quietly. On the inside. Ssssssssssh.

SO this week I got my first blog award for being a versatile blogger (this means I talk about more than just fecal related matters). Not just once, but 3 times, from 3 different people!!  Normally I don't get excited about awards, not unless I get an actual present out of it. Call me selfish & ungrateful but that's just how I roll. I like me some prizes.

However, while I am grateful to receive such an accolade from equally kickass blogging bitches (I would so dry hump you guys right now!!), I try to maintain a low key coolness level at all times. Even though on the inside I am screaming with happiness like a hyena in a meat factory.

No really guys, I am stoked thanks. I am surrounded by greatness. Seriously funny people who I am proud to call my friends. Even though we haven't met in real life, I plan on physically touching (meeting) each & every single one of my blog buddies at some stage during the remainder of my life. I may even shit in their toilet if they're lucky.

And you know y'all are welcome in my hood anytime. My husband is shy, but I am not. I will even take you on the infamous tour of all the public places I have pissed on/at during my life in Nelson, particularly in my teens & early twenties. There are many & if I get some more of these awards I am going to insist the council have sign posted walking tour in my honour. God dam right!!

One of the duties of a Versatile Blog Award winner is to pay the shit forward. But not before telling you some things about myself that you may not know.

1. I get electric shocks off everything. It's complete bullshit because I bloody hate them. Seems I'm highly charged & besides kicking the fuck out of everything I touch (including people. Yes I once lightly slapped a child before I went to hug her) before I actually touch it, there ain't nothing I can do about it.

2. Somedays I want to punch my husband in the face because I love him SO MUCH. That's love right there. It's also true that Blake kinda sorta slightly resembles Kevin Jonas of the Jonas brothers on some occasions. This both disturbs & excites me.



3. I love the smell of firecrackers, Xmas crackers (even they are so obviously shithouse), buses, Frangipanis, matches, whiteboard pens, petrol, coffee & KFC.

4. My top 10 favourite things are (in no particular order) kiwi onion dip & chips, Blake & my family, summer, cigarettes, KFC, my BFF Kylie, Foo Fighters, Rugby, buying clothes, the feeling I have when I get home from the gym (I think it's called pride?).

5. I would like to be a mum one day soon. Once I'm down to double digits weight wise, me & hubs are getting our baby making bang on. Tomorrow I will change my mind. But we will do it if the universe lets us. Out of curiosity mainly. I want to see how crazy the kid will be.

6. I like to read. I am ashamed to admit that I have read all the Twilight books. And I loved them. However the Twilight movies crushed my dreams. But I will make the effort to go & see them all.

7. I've lost 16kg since Christmas last year.

8: I hate getting dressed up but will do it if I am either bribed with money, or forced to at gun point. I will be rockin jandals (thongs, flip flops) hoody & mini skirt even when I'm a dirty old crumble.

9. Next year I'm off to Argentina for 3 weeks. And I can't wait.

10. I am a qualified Massage Therapist (the non dick touching kind).

Right so I'm handing on theVersatile Blogger award to some peeps that have me shitting with laughter easily on a weekly basis. And if you guys (the bloggers that I'm about to bequeath with excellence) have already received this award from someone else, tough shit motherfuckers. You are getting another from the NZ self claimed queen of poo/scrotum/toilet awesome.

My girl Johi at Confessions of a Cornfed Girl. I want to be lesbiano's with her but she lives too far away for any actual fanny banging action. Plus we are both married & neither us dig the beave. Oh well, we can be virtual lesbianos.

I am 99.9% certain that Tazer Warrior Princess is my cyber twin. She is a funny ass hooker & I'm afraid of what would happen if we ever actually met. I'm putting my money on fire being involved.

Rachelle from My Hips Don't Lie has lost a shit tonne of weight. And this girl is a lady yo. The one thing I love about her apart from being dam frigging inspiring to my own weight loss mish is that even though she is a lady & compared to me is way proper, she always comments on my disgusting posts & often drops the odd f-bomb. LOVE her!

Heather Heartless as she likes to be known from The Randomist, cracks my shit up hard. She hasn't posted in a while. I fear she may have been eaten by Ron Perlman who played the hairy ginga lion man in the late 80's TV series, Beauty & the Beast. I hope this award will reach her in the afterlife because I like her a lot.

Lastly, my pommie bro Kev aka Social Assassin. He is my penised equal. He is smart. He can play guitar. He can eat fire. He can write a mean gangsta rap/poem. His wife is equally as choice as he is. He sends me emails sometimes that are so funny, I wee a little bit in my pants. He is a chef & has promised to make me eggs bene with hollandaise one day. For reals, he will be a lifelong friend.

So there you go. 5 blogger you should be following right now. In saying that, any blog on my blog roll I follow because they got a bit of sumthin' sumthin' I like. And many of them I have become good mates with.

It was Guy Fawkes celebration in NZ last night. For those of you that don't know what that is, it's the one night of the year that everyone goes apeshit with firecrackers. I spent the afternoon sitting in the sun with my sister Hayley & friend Amber drinking wine. Then I got tired & wine fucked so went home. I spent post 9pm with my face squashed up to our sliding doors watching the sky light up with legal explosives. It was beautiful *tear. I will save the story for why I'm not allowed to let off fire works for another time.

Hope y'all had a badass weekend!

Peace!









P.S I just watched a vet stick a thing up a tiny unconscious monkeys anus. New Zealand Sunday night TV, can't beat it.

7 comments:

  1. Frangipani hmmm, gotta love that smell. Yay for the 16kgs. You go girl. You'd be an awesome mum, you'd scare the bee jeezus out of them and there is pretty much nothing left for them to do to that you haven't all ready done lol.

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  2. Mrs Social AssassinNovember 7, 2011 at 12:06 AM

    Well done sweetpea! I love reading your blogs, even when i've had a really shit day you always manage to make me laugh. (The only other person who can manage that is Mr SA so you must be on the same sub-concious wave length or something lol!) We def plan on stalking you to you beautiful country at some point in the future - hopefully before we're too old to take your 'places I have pissed' tour lol! Love and hugs xx
    PS - I'm totally with you on the smell of Christmas craackers, but I love any excuse to get dressed up!

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  3. This was my first ever blogging award. I'm glad it was you who took my virgnity. Even though you took it roughly (I liked it). Thanks for the props, Queen of Funny, you're a total legend. No surprises they won't let you near fireworks, I'm surprised they let you near a pc at all and your blog doesn't come by post written in crayon. That said, I have of course been gushing with the old prosaic praise of your good self in my blog accepting the award. Figured that 300 words of total bullshit was the least I owed you ;)
    Much Love to my blogging sister, The Fox With A Box xx

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  4. Fucking shitty cockrocket douchpickle assface computer!!
    This is now the THIRD time I'm writing you a comment. So, instead of the nice long well-written comment I originally attempted to regale you with, you're getting the awesome comment's inbred second cousin who's a little fucked in the head.

    Thanks for the award, yo! Awesome!
    Yes, there'd be fire involved. It's been far too long since the last time I burned shit for no reason. Winning!
    .... I forgot what else.
    The end.
    Much love.

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  5. I love reading all these people already and now look forward to reading more!! And you deserve to be bestowed with many awards.

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  6. Oh my gosh, he totally does look like Kevin Jonas. You should milk that for some $$$$.

    Thanks for the sweet words, Bex. I'm glad you think I'm lady. My cover is working. ;)

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  7. Many thanks Becky! If I were smarter and knew more than one language, I like to think I would thanks you in 6 different languages.... but the only other one I have is Gracias.

    It is only when I meet women like you that I curse God for making me straight. *sigh*

    And get on the baby making train already. Then you can be a giant flaming hypocrite like the rest of us and say things like "Having children is the BEST thing that ever happened to me" and then two seconds later you can say "My favorite time of the day is when the children are sleeping" and truly mean them both. Plus your husband is hot and the two of you would make pretty babies.

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