Thursday, November 3, 2011

Hatin' on: Piss (The wee kind)

Because I hate so many things & the white hatin' rage will probably end me before my time, I've decided to start a new series** of posts simply titled "Hatin' On". Venting is healthy for me because if I keep it on the inside I might shank some folk. And I just can't stand the thought of not being able to bang my husband due to the fact I'm confined to the inside a women's prison/mental institution. In theory, I do this for him.

** Yeah yeah I know I always say I'm starting a new series of posts on something or rather, do 2, then change to something else. I am woman, therefore I can change my mind as many times as I like. But I'm really going to try hard with this one ok. Because dang I love to hate me some shit.

Also sometimes I have nothing better to talk about than the things that shit me chronic. It's a never ending list. Why not share it.

Piss, Urine, Wee, Pee, Tinkle, Whiz, Leakage, Fanny Juice (the non good kind of juice), Bladder Syrup, Pissflap dribble, Vulva water, is annoying. I don't like it. I wish I didn't have to piss but after trying many times to not piss, it always ends badly. After my leak this morning I got thinking about all the things about piss that piss me off.

Piss stinks. Especially that first one in the morning. And cock monsters, you win the piss stink contest hands down. Your piss reeks way worse than a beave monster piss. You could use your potent man piss to remove paint.

I know all about stinky man wee. Because I share a toilet (as you all know) with 40 men. Some whom like to spray like a tom cat all over the toilet floor. I hate them for this & continually whine about it. I have a dedicated piss mop located in the bathroom which I use to mop up the willy dribble. Before I leave this earth I plan on smacking each piss-on-floor offender in the mug with said piss mop. Just because I can.

Wouldn't it be nice if your piss had a purpose. I reckon it should smell like Issey Miyake L'eau Dissey. Or Diesel Loverdose. That way I wouldn't have to spend ridic amounts of money on perfume. Because I would be able to produce my own. From my fanny. This would save me money & make my husband not growl. WIN!
    I would also find it convenient if you could bottle your pee & use it as a multipurpose cleaner. I am the spray & wipe queen. Blake calls my bottle of Eco Clean my 'cappin gun'. I hang it like a pistol from my waist like a rhinestone cowboy & shoot the place up. Smite me motherfuckers, I like me a clean house. It ain't a crime. I'm just a germ Nazi & sleep better at night knowing that my kitchen is fecal dust free. You can't see fecal dust but trust me, it is everywhere.

    For all your drug test passing needs. Synthetic Unisex Piss.
    Purchase online for only $35. Get out!

      Old Lady's smell of piss. They can't help it. When you start getting on in life, the fanny bags start to fail as does everything else. They leak like a busted garden hose. And they try to disguise the smell with geriatric perfume. You should know old lady's (& men) that we can still smell your leakage. Except instead of just smelling of wees you now smell like wees & roses. The weefume concoction is strangely comforting, reminds me of Nana's (LOVE Nana's hard) but also unpleasant. I have mixed emotions about this one. And those fanny pads you wear, yeah they may soak up your leakage, but that shit smells too. Like stale wee.
          Urine is a by product of shit (not actual shit) filtered through the kidneys & expelled by the body because we don't need it. But people drink it because it's apparently good for you? This mixed message is confusing to me.

          • The Romans used to use wees to whiten their teeth. Fuck that.
          • Ancient Indians have some religious text that claim piss massaged in to ones skin is a good time. Fuck that too. 
          • In China, the urine of young boys is claimed to be curative for all sorts of health problems. They also douse a new born baby's face with pee to protect their skin.
          • The French soaked stockings in urine & tied them around their throats to cure strep throat. What the fuck. 
          • If you get stung by a jelly fish you are supposed to wee on the stung area. Like Chandler & Joey did to Monica on Friends. If they do it it must work right?
          • Lyoto Machida (UFC fighter) drinks his own wee. Because his dad did. And said it's bitchin' son, drink your piss, it will make you strong like lion. And Machida is awesome. My husband wants to BE him. Except minus the pee drinking part. I'm so confused Machida!!!!!!!!!!!
          I wish you could use pee to mace people in the face. I've never had my eyes pissed on but I have had eyes that look like piss holes in the snow. One can only guess that having wee in your eyes stings a bit? It's made up of acids & eye burny shit. Why not utilise this in the Police Force? HELLO!

            Sometimes in the morning when I'm in the shower washing my goon, little bits of toilet paper come out. Sometimes big bits. I stand in the shower watching the bits of bog paper whirling down the drain thinking did that just come from where I think it came from?

            Being a woman & not being able to pee standing up SUCKS. I am not ashamed to admit I have tired & failed more than once. I also pee a lot, which in turn causes me to use a shit tonne of toilet paper, & I apparently wipe with such fury that it causes little bits of toilet paper to get trapped within my normal sized labia's.

            I know this is TMI but I just want to know if I'm the only one this happens to? Sometimes I've even found little bits of toilet paper in the bed. It seems my growler is hoarding the toilet paper. For what reason I don't know. Maybe it's in case we have a tree famine & toilet paper can't be produced for a while. My vagina is so smart that it's subconsciously making me store my own. Go me!!

            Sexy pissing. Nope don't get this one at all. I once dated a guy who wanted me to take a leak on him. After he shared that fetish request with me, I dropped his ass faster than a aids infested dirty hooker syringe. Golden shower in your face? I would rather be suffocated by a puckered dog anus.

            This cracker child obviously got too drunk on Jungle Juice & mistook the cow piss
            for a shower. Silly boy. You is gon get a hiding when you get home son.

            Pissing the bed is something that I definitely don't do. I'm lucky to have never had issues with bed wetting even as a child. One guy I dated for a few years used to get hella drunk & wee the bed all the dam time. I sucked. And I praise myself for sticking it out for aslong as I did.

            When we sleep, do our bladders sleep too? Well mine must & if it does need to be relieved during the night, my brain makes me dream of Tsunamis. Not lying. I dream about Tsunamis & just as the giant wall of water is about to hit me, I wake up & go wees. Coincidence? Lets ask the Dream Dictionary.

            To see a tsunami in your dream means that you are being overwhelmed by some repressed feeling or unconscious material that is rising up to the surface. You are experiencing some unhappiness and emotional instability in a waking situation. 

            Bullshit dream dictionary!! My life is friggin awesome. Go fuck yourself right in the face.With some god dam piss mace.

            What say you about the wees? Is there something in this piss drinking palaver or is it just straight up whack? 

            Ok, keeping with today's theme, & seeing as it was a popular giveaway last month, this month I am giving away to one of you beautiful whores, another Pee & Poo plush set. 

            Y'all know what to do. Show me some comment love. And I will reward you in return. Read Terms & Conditions here. 


            P.S I hope you found this educational. Don't be too disturbed by my toilet paper hoarding vagina monster. I feel maybe I shouldn't have gone there so publicly but hey, my line of what is ok to share & what is not ok to share is blurry. In fact I don't have one. Why start being proper now.
            P.P.S And hey, look on the bright side, at least it's not a toilet paper hoarding bottom monster.


              1. Hey Bex
                At least you have the good common sense to pee 287 times a day if you need to. Me? I hate taking that much time out of my busy schedule (shut up, blogging and reading the Internets is HARD!) to actually go into the bathroom, pull down my pants, pee, wipe, pull up my pants, snap and zip them (Jayzus, I'm making myself exhausted just thinking about it). So instead, I wait until I can barely make it to the toilet without leaving a pee trail. I have to crab-walk with my legs crammed together at the knees and my eyes watering. Freud was right - I have penis envy if only because I'd love to have one that I could whip out and piss in any handy receptacle. It would probably help if I'd quit drinking 8 cups of coffee a day.

              2. Okay. I TOTALLY have the whole toilet paper hoarding thing. Or I did in the past, I shall say. I discovered long, long ago, that it is all about the texture of the toilet paper. I go with Scott brand because it is not as harsh as that sand papery stuff in some cheep public restrooms, but not as soft as the cottonelle bullshit. I don't know about YOUR vag, but mine has been through some shit, so it is not SO delicate that it needs to be swiped with a thick, soft, quilted dealio. THIS is what creates all the lint. It practically lints off in your hand pre-wipe if you hold it long enough, so of course it is going to break off and cause all KINDS of issues in our tissues. So switch texture or ply. Fuck the patterned shit. That only lasts like, a day anyway. The 1000 sheet stuff may be a BIT more industrial but it last longer lint!!

              3. My god, Bex. That list of "therapeutic" uses for urine was...astounding. *gag* I'll add another gross one for you: I knew and old man that used to rinse his eyes with urine. It was to clear up some condition he had. I'd rather go blind than rinse my eyes with piss! Aaaaaaaaargh

              4. Just wait til you have a mums bladder now that real sucks! And I used to know a guy that would collect his 2 year old nephews urine to use for his drug tests before heading out on the boats

              5. I enjoy a good piss every now and again. It's a pretty damn good feeling. Like if you have had to pee forever and when you finally get to That shit is amazing! But I do hate it when it dribbles down my leg every time I return my sword to its sheathe. Doesn't matter how hard I shake it, squeeze it, slap it against the wall...there is always that last drop hangin on ready to ride down my damn leg. The only piss I was in my hand is that stuffed fugger at the bottom of this post!!!

                Piss mace to the face.....fuggin awesome

                If a girl tried to piss on me I'd grab the toilet paper her snatch is hoarding and plug that hole up. Then I would slap her directly in the mouth and politely ask her to leave my home. I don't normally hit women but for that occasion I would make an exception.

              6. @Papatigga - according to famous author Douglas Adams (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) you are experiencing a 'Wimbledon'. See here for details

                @Bex Would it be lame to say I pissed myself laughing? OK, yes it would. Sod it. I'm pretty sure piss would make good window cleaner too - in-built degreaser and all that. Plus it will stop peeping toms. Or arouse them. 50/50. I've personally used mine to strip gloss paint in the hallway, remove rust from an old bicycle, and dissolve a door lock just before the Russian guard returned, allowing a spectacular last minute escape. Which, funnily enough, is also what makes old people smell of wee.

              7. Other than taking the sting out of jellyfish jizz my piss can go fuck itself. It serves no purpose otehr than giving me an excuse to leave my desk eevry few hours without attracting the ire of the office skank.


              I love reading your comments. Comments are sexy.