Monday, November 7, 2011

Mike someone kicked my ass.

Today I had my first real hardout session with my personal trainer. And he handed my ass to me. With a smile on his face.

Somewhere between the 5 trillion asshole ripping squats & stepping up & down on an everest high box with weights in my hands, I looked at him through my stingy blindy sweat tears & asked him if he'd ever been bashed by a girl. And he says, 'people tell me they hate me at first, then after a month they love me'. With a smile on his face. I swear I wanted to smash him, then pash him. Cos he just wouldn't stop smiling at me.

THEN he made me leg press 65kg for about 20 minutes, slowly. Bastard. I have never felt anything like it in my life. It burned like fire in my thighs. I felt drunk from the waist down & in the generous 1 minute breaks he made me squat again. Shit man, way to grind a girl.

When I came home, I face planted on the bed in agony. If someone rang me up to tell me the fire breathing dragon was heading straight for my house to incincerate me, I wouldn't even try & run. Take me now fire breathing dragon. I'm no good to anyone.

After about half an hour of dying I decided I was hungry so I did a catepillar crawl to the fridge & somehow managed to heat up some rice & beef curry shiznizzle I'd cooked up the previous eve. I did all this from laying on the floor. The I ate it, & laid some more but this time on the couch.

Eventually the time came that I had to physically stand up (I needed a dam piss) & bugger me sideways with a tack covered totem pole, my back was all shagged up the wazoo. For reals. Something down in the left side of my back just above my left anus cheek screamed in agony. And I nearly did a vomit on the carpet.

It seems that I may have over done it slightly. Perhaps during the 5 trillion squats maybe? And you can bet my broken to bits ass that if I do a no show at the gym tomorrow, Mike someone will be ringing me up asking where his ho at? And I will say yo Mike someone, you broke me brother love. ANd he'll go B-Money get your beasty self back to my gym cos I is gonna work you sunshine. And I will go ok Mike. But I will be doing everything from the floor ok.

Compromise yeah?

So I'm parked up on the couch like an old granny bear with a pillow nestling my battered back/ass region. And then I got mad because I watched Selena Gomez sing on the EMA's & she sucks yo. I can sing way better than her!! But then a random Irish guy streaked & I saw his scrotum. That made me slightly happier. ANd then Biebs belted one out & he can actually sing but I still would rather be eaten out by a large barracuda fish than listen/watch him sing. He's too perfect. It's not right & it makes me feel all dirty.

And then I saw the old Pure Energy naked mountain puncher. I hate this guy with a passion & am visually assualted by his advert atleast 20 times a night. Firstly who the fuck punches mountains so hard that the top pops open like one of those fancy kitchen trash bins with the spring lid?? With no clothes on!!! He thinks people want him. And he thinks I would chose him over my own husband. Dude, go fuck yourself. And start running cos my fire breathing dragon is coming to burn you.

If you would like to know what I'm trippin about, go here & watch this ad. I dare you to tell me that he is not an A Grade dicksmoker. Everytime I see this ad I need to be physically restrained. Which is a waste of time if I'm already broken. Ay Mike someone!!!

Before I go I would like to you to please view 2 funny videos that I have myself viewed today.
The first one I don't think needs any explanation, clearly this is something you would watch & think of me. I laughed until I cried Saturday afternoons wine right outta my face. I like to call this 'Farty Poo Poo Hippo'. If you don't laugh, you have no soul.

The second video was sent to me by a lovely german lass called Helena. She emailed me a few weeks back & said she saw this vid & thought of me. I cried laughing again. Helena from Germany, I love you. And I watched it again this afternoon while dying on the bed post gym raping. It made me forget the pain for 3 minutes.

Right I'm off to bed. I'm going to slither down on to the floor & crawl there. And I hope that tomorrow brings me a newer betterer back muscle. Cos tomorrow I'm going to go punch me some mountains.


P.S Adam Lambert, you slaugtered Queen on the EMA's. I want to suffocate you with your leather homo coat then melt your layers of makeup off with my cigarette lighter. Douchebag.
P.P.S PLease forgive any spelling errors. Spell check was being a moody hooker. I am pretty sure I did good though.


  1. Life is full of the strange duality of opposites. Yesterday, Bex, your lovely award made me feel all special inside. And today you bring me so much pain I feel like I've been going to your gym nazi for a month. Don't worry about Adam Lambert fans hating on you. I'm about to draw their fire....
    Dear Adam Lambert, you talentless soul-less fifties throwback - you, sir, are a piss-gargling cum-dumpster. Your impact on the world of music has been so insignificant that four seonds ago I had never heard of you. I wish that were still the case. You have butchered the work of one of the greatest frontmen in music ever, with a voice that reminded me of a huge pile of violins being set on fire. With some burning cats. I look forward to your appearance at the next EMA's... in the parking lot handing out free blowjobs in the desperate hope someone will take a free copy of your latest talentless dirge. I've been to more upbeat and entertaining funerals. I hope the thought that you made The World's Greatest Showman turn in his grave fills you with remorse you talentless, spineless, whinging little tosser. Why oh why weren't YOU the one who got AIDS?? Love, The Assassin
    Great Blog Bex ;) xx

  2. there's a reason I don't go to a personal trainer.. definitely this is why.

  3. i don't *listen* to adam lambert. i just think he's pretty. because i'm a smart lady. gay or straight, most men should just put their pretty lips together and let me look at them. i don't need to hear about their days, or how they only like penis. i don't care.

  4. That's why I don't exercise. Ever. I know it's going to hurt, and I'm just going to quit, so why bother?
    Adam Lambert is a douchebag. I didn't see what he did to Queen but I can imagine. He sucks.

  5. I'm sorry for laughing so hard at this post. I hope that you will still love me in the morning, because the 24th hour is truly the worst. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate....

  6. I used to be a trainer for no other reason than the fact that I am an asshole and like to inflict pain on other people. The next time you see Mike, kick him in the steroid-shrivelled 'nads.


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