Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Sorry for not reading the rules.

So you know that shit I was waffling on about the other day, Versatile Blog Award thingymajig? Well, it seems that I am meant to gush like a dirty whores banger about those that gifted me with the award.

I didn't do that. In all the jizzcitement I forgot. And I feel bad about it. Because the people that awarded me with the award are the muthaflippin bombdigz.

Before I go forth & start this grateful gush fest I would just like to update you on my broken situation. Yes I am still broken but I went to the gym yesterday anyway. And Mike someone, looking all cute & concerned, took me out the back & showed me how to grind all up on a foam roller. We got down on a mat & went to town on these things. First I watched him do it, then he watched me do it. It was filthy!!!

Apparently it was supposed to roll out my muscles that I'd busted. However just between you & me, grinding on the foam roller thing made my muscles feel like they were being hacked to shit with a machete. But because I'm so badass tough I sucked it up, moaned a bit to my inner self then went & got on the bike & rode me some 15kms just to prove to Mike someone that I am indeed a badass muthafucker, broken or not. He also doesn't have to know that the deadly pain I was experiencing made me piss in my pants a a little bit.


Then I went home & pre-ordered the new iPhone 4S. Because I can. I'm tired of carrying around a cellphone, an iPod & my work mobile. And Blake's phone is slowly shitting itself. So being the glorified hand-me-down loving hobo he is, I suggested he take my 1 month old new phone & ipod & I get a new iPhone. And shoot me with a barrel of busted assholes, he said yes!! And I didn't even have to show him my growler. WIN!

Moving right along, my first awarder was my beautiful Canadian cosmic twin, Bonnie from Fat-Be-Gone. Not long after I started this blogging bizo, Bonnie & I found each other. This girl, is not only one of the coolest bitches I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know, but she also inspires me every day with her dedication to a better, healthier life. She's lost over 60lbs & still going hard. My weight loss is not something I talk about much. Mainly because I decided right at the start that I didn't want to have a weight loss orientated blog. It's my own private battle & I intend to keep it that way. (FYI - I have lost 17kg so far. Good effort).

Anyway my Bon, she is a machine. And beats me hands down for being dedicated to the cause. When I have moments of near give the fuck upness, it's her that keeps me keeping on. She is fly hot mama, badass, funny as hell & if I was going to knife fight anyone, I would definitely want to have this woman by my side. Blake & I have both agreed that we will definitely be visiting her, her equally kickass husband Dan & son Adam in the next few years.

My second award I received from the man himself, Pappatigga from Pappatiggathoughts. This guy is straight up gangsta. And cracks my shit up hard on a regular basis. One recent post in particular that made me hose was this one right here. Go on, read it. This baller matches me head to head in the blaspheme stakes. And that's one of the many reasons why I love his shit hard. Any man that can pick up his own dogs shit from a neighbours driveway with his hands (against his will of course. He only did it because he was being watched by said neighbours) has got me as a fan for life. This guy is the raddest maddest dopest fella I've met in a long while. Read his shiz, you will so not regret it.

Lastly hottie mama Zionstar, awarded me with my 3rd & final award. This pretty lady is such a sweetheart. She is a rad mama to a little boy child, a wife to a dude & is on her own personal mission to become one sexy assed be-atch after the birth of her son stole her former figure. She wants to have the body of a pin-up girl. Fair play to her!! Personally I already think she's smokin' but hey, we are all on our own journeys to that perfect physical version of ourselves. We all have our own rules & reasons. I wish her luck on her bettering self trip & will be waiting with baited breath for her updates.

Massive shout outs to you 3 peeps for your blog love. And sorry for not giving you the snaps you deserve when I should have. I am shithouse at reading rules. Obviously.

Coming up this week I'ma gona be hatin on something hard. But before I bust that one out I want y'all to tell me about something/someone/some dirty situation that's ripped your tits this week. Share your angry with me. Cos I want to wrap myself up in it like a hotdog.



  1. I was wondering why my shit was blowing up today! One love for all the love son! Im happy as L
    arry right now. And stick to the weight loss thing its so worth it....just the feeling of accomplishment alone is worth it. I speak from experience. and from my ass most of the time.

  2. I fucking LOVE that graphic.... I'm always wearing headphones on the bus and I sometimes wonder if my tummy or bum is making noises I'm not aware of cuz I can't hear them.

    what am I hating on this week...? well..... chemistry homework, midterms, rain, cold, smelly bus people....

    basically the same shit I hate on every week.

  3. Where in the hell did you find that cartoon? I love it! hahaha

    Maybe we can get Rach to come down from Alberta and all hang out together!!!!

  5. If i was into girls (but I'm not) I would be totally crushing on you right now you funny ass lady.

  6. @elizabeth I don't like girls either but I'd still try dry hump your leg just for saying that. Welcome!

  7. @Bonnie Two words. Shit yes. Man I so have lady rod right now.

  8. @Rachellabelle I know right!! I found it on google images after typing in 'I forgot'. As soon as I saw it I was like, yep this is so me.

  9. @chemgirljaime I just judo chopped your hate & ripped it a new asshole. I hope you feel better for offloading darling girl.

  10. @Papatigga Planning on sticking to it. Been going hard for nearly a year now & I aint looking back. Got sick of my booty tripping along 2 metres behind my actual body. That's no shadow bitches, that's my god dam ass!

  11. I have anger but really am gonna save myself from the assholes at the FTB (not sure what your version is) by just telling them to eat a bag of infected dicks. Yeah, that much anger love....

    You on the other hand, deserve your kudos and all the dry humping that foam thing can take.

  12. Goddammit I don't get here often enough. Let's see, what's new?

    1) I go the versatile blogger award, too. 3 times. Fucking hell, there's no time to post with all of the thanking. Karma up, traffic down. But all that matters is the love. I also forgot / didn't notice the award, so I have big time bad conscience going on right now.

    2) I have been shitting quite regularly. Don't you hate it, though, when you shit in such a way that you have the feeling not all of it's come out yet and then you can't fart in a satisfactory way the rest of the day?
    I knew you'd understand.

    3) Congrats on the iPhone. I am like Blake, I have to say.

    4) Something that pissed me off?

    My job. The fucking Germans who run my company. They talk, talk, talk, and plan, plan, plan about everything and try to make everything more efficient, and in the process they reorganize the company every week so that nothing fucking gets done except by my department, of course.

    OK, so that happens to everybody. I guess nothing really pissed me off this week.

  13. Something shitty that happened to me this week: well, I will take this quite literally. the shittiest thing that has happened thus far is my morning wake-up. I had a disturbing dream about my dead father and my deadbeat ex that awoke me at 4:30. My son also awoke and smelled like an ostrich had died in his pull-up. So I dragged myself downstairs, got the dipe and the wipes and snagged him in the hallway near the bathroom because at this point in the mommy game I can tell by the SMELL if it's going to be extra messy. I know: bad ass skill to have.....anyway, so I whip off his pj bottoms, grab his legs to inspect the damage and BAM: shit on my hand from his leg. It had went down both legs and onto his left foot. I baby wiped him to death on that side, took off the soiled mess, wiped down his ass, went to inspect his other half and BOMM: BIG CHUNK OF SHIT stuck in between the first three toes on his right feet. Fuck my Life. More wipes. But not good enough with spillage that immense, so I wet him down, soaped him up and re-pajamad him. As we were walking back to his bedroom I felt something squish on my foot. Mom's swear. Out loud. "Mother FUCKER." Said I. That shit of his had trailed down out of his bottoms onto the floor. Thank God for hard wood. SO more wipes to clean up my foot and two piles. THen I soaped my feet because shit, man, I had JUST washed my sheets and didn't want the chance of poopy particles getting in there. THEN we get into his carpeted room and bam AGAIN: more shit on my foot! I was ready to cry and strangle myself. Cleaned it up, told Leo, DO NOT MOVE. for once he didn't and I found that curious. Until I went back into his room and found him standing there in an awkward pose leaned on one foot with the other twisted to the side....covered in shit. OMG. SO I wiped him down again, tried to find the carpet shit with my glasses off, thought I got it all and went the fuck back to bed. 7 a.m. I am bringing both babies down and back into baby Leo's room to get socks, I'll be a bitch ass fucker if I didn't step into MORE SHIT. A squishy watery shit spot this time. I wanted to rip that carpet up and shove it down my landlords intrusive mouth. I washed my fucking foot AGAINNNNN and proceeded down stairs.

  14. Dressing Leo (his bus comes first) I smelt this really pungent sour smell like the smell of those unfortunate kids at school that live amongst hovel and do not bathe. It was smelling up the whole room. "What the fuck isss that?" SO there I am, in between making coffee and lunches and doing bookbag duty, yet I am on my hands and kness sniffing the children. It wasn't on their pants, shirts: I couldnt figure it out. "Just another fucking mystery smell, I'll figure it out eventually," I thought to myself. And then I went to put Leo's socks on. The smell got stronger. On a whim, I took and stuck his foot to my nose. WHY do I do that? Stick shit right ON my nose when I have an inkling that it is the source of my problem?!?!?!? ANd it was: his previously twice soaped feet smelled like a rotten lemon!!!! WTF.So I washed those bitches AGAIN, dressed him, threw him on the bus and fuckin' BYE BYE!

    SOrry I just wrote a blog on your blog but I really needed to vent that. SOrt of like how my whole house needs to be vented now. ANyway, two kids in diapers and both of them have QUITE un-solid bowel movements. WHY? It has GOT to have something to do with their muscle problems. It doesn't matter how many bananas I pound them with, I just CANNOT get a solid, clean turd out of either one of them. And GOD FORBID they wait until SCHOOL hours to shit. Nope: every morning. Just for me. Both of them. My little gift. I used to think of it in terms of THIS metaphor: My life is shitty. But in a feeble attempt to be against-my-nature-positive, I try to look at it this way: Life is like the shit I too often get lodged underneath my fingernails. It feels disgusting, smells rank, and makes me gag, but this wipey wielding superbitch just scrapes that shit off, soaps it down, and keeps it movin'. But fo shizzle, my nizzle, FML. And the week is NOT over. Plenty of time for more shit to happen...

  15. @povertyanddeath Oh dear lord!! I'm so sorry to laugh at your misery, but that was the suck that never ended and was freaking hysterical to hear. I feel your pain, though. Been there with the poop all down the legs and into the foot thing. I don't know how that happens, but it somehow gets EVERYFUCKINGWHERE! I am just now getting my youngest out of diapers, thank the lord baby jeebus. Hang in there woman. It WILL get better. Until then, strong drinks are recommended.

  16. My fucking boss. Actually had the nerve to come into my office yesterday and yell at me for something I did in court to piss off one of my colleagues (yes, I admit it, I was kind of an asshole, but I owned it and it was none of his biznitch), after I filled in for him in court the last 2 days, was filling in that very day for another colleague who was on maternity leave, and couldn't get my own goddamn work done in the meantime. Shut the fuck up and get out of my office, you ballsack! I don't have time for your shit, since I'm doing everyone else's work and have no time for my own and am finally in my office to work on this shit. GET THE FUCK OUT!

    Oh, and I am still awaiting that melodious Brad Paisley video Bex. Get on that shit. Don't make my next fuck you be closer to home. :p

  17. Misty: Please, laugh away! If not for laughter, I very well might rip my hair out!

  18. I told you, crazy girl, I'm gonna do a blog about your excellent cuss words and hairy phrases. "Shoot me with a barrel of busted assholes"? That's going on the list.

  19. You gave me the blushes, yo.

    Also, I'm not just married to a dude. I'm married to a HOT dude, and if I weren't that I give great BJs, I'd wonder how that happened.

    The only thing I'm hating on is billz sucking up my Christmas fun-money. I WANTED A HOOKER DAMMIT.


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