The other night, after my hubs had been standing at the door for 10 minutes having a conversation with one of the receptionists at the motel, he came back & sat beside me on the couch. Ooh exciting. But wait, there's more.....
I then kindly pointed out to him that he had an massive boog clanger attempting to abseil out the side of his left nostril. Quite large & impossible for an innocent bystander to not notice. He naturally rubbed his nose while saying 'shit do you think it was there the whole time I was talking to her?'. To which I replied, 'Yes. Yes I believe it was'. FAIL!! Then I did a my in your face fail dance. With pointy jazz fingers.
Anyway with naughty stray bogey safely restrained & hidden from my sight** on his finger, (he didn't know I was watching this by the way. He doesn't know that I can actually watch Amazing Race & watch what he's doing right beside me at the SAME TIME. I have incredible observation skills) I watched him lean forward & wipe it (I am not fucking lying right now) on the bottom of our couch like it was a piece of well chewed chuddy gum being hidden under the school desk.
**I can handle pretty much anything, except bogey. I remember once when I was about 11, a girl in my class was sitting beside me on the bus on our way to cooking/woodwork class (I went to a country school. We had to head to the big city for that shit). Anyway she had her finger buried deeply in her face canal & pulled out the biggest honking booger I have ever seen. I took one look at it & projectile yakked all over her lap. And I didn't even feel bad. Bad things happen when you behave like a dirty whore. The end.
Anyway back to the story, I turned to him & said 'what in the fuck did you just do with that bogey!!!?'.
'Um...... (sheepishly)....nothing' *hanging his head in shame because he knows I just busted him defiling our spensive lounge suite with his clanger.
'No way!! Bogie's DO NOT go there!!!'
'Well I didn't have anywhere else to put it'.......*me holding up the box of tissues on the coffee table not 30cm away from the both of us.
I then carried on with my angry tirade telling him that that is something a 3 year old boy would do & while he's at it why doesn't he go take a shit in the corner of the lounge on the carpet. He sat there looking really bummed out. I felt bad but I was so pissed.
Now my husband always has a reason for everything he does that I don't like. I gotta give him credit, he is the master of ad-libing bullshit excuses. He tried to tell me that he panicked because he had nothing to wipe it on & that I apparently I wipe my bogeys on things all the time. Like the car door. I agreed yes I have in the past but I always make sure I wipe it on the outside of the car door so the wind speed velocity can remove it while the car is in motion. AND if that doesn't work, the rain will get it.
He can teabag me til I have bruises on my face & fart on my leg in bed as much as he likes but I draw the line at wiping bogeys on the furniture.
So I went & bought about 5 boxes of tissues. To add to the 3 I already have scattered around the house, & I muthafucking labelled them, just in case he gets confused. Something like this......
Bitch please, you can't beat me at this game.
I also labelled a whole heap of things around the house where he is not allowed to put his snot. But he removed them because he was annoyed. Anyway I put one on the couch (obviously), my pillow, the TV, my guitar, our bathroom towels, my laptop & basically anything that is mine.
I did however label some other things that he can put bogeys on that aren't tissues. Like his xbox, his PC, his ipod, playstation, Anime collection & just to prove how serious I am about all this & drive the message home, my badass sharp as fuck kitchen machete. Go there with your finger bogey Hooker & I will lovingly stick your hand in a blender.
When Blake & I were mates, pre-getting together, he used to drive an old White Mitsubishi. Aptly named 'old whitey'. Truth be told that old whitey got a battering from my bogie's. And I was very open about it. He was that much in love with me that he didn't even care that I constantly wiped my boogers all over his passenger seat & inside of the car door. I didn't have tissues & was fond of a good bore out on occasions. Whats a girl to do? Wipe it on the door. That's exactly what I did.
So when I went back to Uni at the end of every summer he had something to remember me by. I also told him that when I got famous he could sell his Becky car door bogie art on Ebay for a tidy sum. No one can say that I am a shithouse friend. Personal, original & thoughtful. BOOM.
I don't do that anymore. Because our car is exactly that. OUR car. Which means I own half bitches!!
One more thing before I go, next time you are sitting in a public toilet stall, scan the walls. I guarantee you will find someones boog there. I have never got why people wipe it on toilet doors when they have a roll of bog paper at their disposal? I have done some dirty things in toilet, many which I blog about on a regular basis, but I have NEVER planted a greenie on the wall. It makes me gag just thinking about it.
Does your other half/child/someone you live with do something that grosses your shit out?
Happy Friday, Thursday whatevs. It's Friday in my world, I got my new iPhone (which is making me fizz at the bung with love) & I'm catching up with some chicks in the weekend for cocktails. Goodtimes.
Peace!
P.S How do Astronauts poo in space? I've always wanted to know.
P.P.S Baby if you read this, I bloody love you. But please don't wipe snot on the couch again x
Regarding space poos... you should read Packing for Mars by Mary Roach. Its a science-y book all about space travel, but it's actually pretty much hilarious. And she has an ENTIRE chapter on doing your business in space...Apparently there's a lot of poo baggies in space, FYI.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE MARY ROACH! (@ashley ^ lol)
ReplyDeleteAs for the grossing out... I have this lovely memory that just decides on its own what should and shouldn't be kept. Shit that bothers me tends to be let go. So I literally can't tell you anything gross my husband does that gives me the creeps. It's a blessing and a curse. It also decides to delete entire conversations from my memory (until someone mentions something I learned in the deleted convo, if at all) AS SOON AS I TURN FROM THE PERSON I WAS TALKING TO. Have you ever seen Doctor Who? Specifically the most recent season (6), and the first/second/maybe 3rd episodes? There are these guys called The Silence (google if you don't know), and they're creepy fucks. You look at them and are awash in terror. As soon as you look away, you forget they even existed! I guess my brain thinks that I see them sometimes, because it does that to me, and I'm pretty sure I've never seen those mouthless cockeaters.
Raaaammmmblllleeeee. As I was saying, it's great when it comes to shit that rubs my my beave backward, but I'd rather be able to remember conversations and shit.
Ewwwww!
ReplyDeleteI have had my kids actually throw up and have caught it in my hands, which then also makes me want to puke, but being the mom, I have to be calm and reassuring before the kids freak the fuck out.
And yay for new iphone! I just got one as well after years of longing and hoping and wanting and salivating over it. I can't wait to start using it. Just gotta get all these spectacular pics off the old one. Wouldn't want to lose those gems, now would I? :)
I wish I could read this, but the warning has put me off. I mean, I'm curious and all, but gross stuff makes me gag. I bet this is funny as shit, but also gross. Maybe I'll have a few drinks one day and come back and read this. Until then, I'll live in blissful ignorance.
ReplyDeleteI'm actually excited right now because I finally have something to contribute instead of lurking around like a creeper. Before we got married, my husband used to flick his boogies on the ceiling. When we moved out, from the front door you could see all of the dark green dried nasties above where our couch used to sit. Blech.
ReplyDeleteHA! You totally won that round.
ReplyDeleteMy dogs like to snot on me sometimes. If they've got a particularly big sneeze coming they dash over to find me and expel their doggy snot all over me, no matter what I'm doing. Since I live alone, they are the only booger fiends in the house.
One of my short people ran up to kiss me yesterday and full on sneezed IN. MY. FUCK. ING. MOUTH! Jesus Christ my children are disgusting.
ReplyDeleteWoah. Back the fuck up here, sister-in-funny. It's not ok for your long suffering spouse to wipe a bogey discreetly under a sofa, but it IS ok for you to wipe them on the car door and drive that shit around the block like a hideously thought out carnival float??? But only when it's his car??? Methinks I can see a double-standard here. You know normally I would go ninja on anyone who argued with you Bex, but I've gotta share some empathy with your hubs here. Under the Marriage Bogey Disposal Act of 1894, if you can wipe a bogey somewhere, so can he. Snot is an equal opportunities employer. Kinda hard to berate him for a private household disposal (no matter how grim) when he had to parade yours around in public isn't it??
ReplyDeleteAlso, how amusing that this produces such outrage from a woman who regularly blogs about the movements of her bowels! For god's sake, he watches Anime on a regular basis. If he spends his time watching Japanese schoolgirls being raped by demons with sixteen-foot tentacle cocks, and the worst you have to deal with is a stray bogey or two, you're bi-winning.....
he used to leave his dirty undies on the bathroom floor after his shower ...but after I yelled at him on the level of grossness he stopped...
ReplyDeleteI was kind of a bitch, and I'm completely ok with it.
Was reading Master 4 (unwell)a story in bed the other day, he picked a huge greenie and wiped it on the Mr edge side of the bed, normally I would loose the plot however, I had woken up to Master 4's big toenail on my kitchen windowsill according to Mr apparently after 2 long weeks Master 4 had bravely pulled the whole thing off (it was hanging by a thread)all by his brave self and wanted to throw it in the rubbish himself, therefore the windowsill seamed the place to put it in the meantime. secret punishment: the greenie stayed where it was.
ReplyDeleteI am so fucking disgusted by not just the idea of all of this but the comments and the one just above me contains toenails..... blech!!!!!!!! bommit! (that is my nephew's word for vomit) I have to go now.
ReplyDelete