WARNING: If you can't handle anything bogey related, please don't read this.You will also notice my inconsistency of spelling the word bogey. I'm not even embarrassed. I like to mix it up.
The other night, after my hubs had been standing at the door for 10 minutes having a conversation with one of the receptionists at the motel, he came back & sat beside me on the couch. Ooh exciting. But wait, there's more.....
I then kindly pointed out to him that he had an massive boog clanger attempting to abseil out the side of his left nostril. Quite large & impossible for an innocent bystander to not notice. He naturally rubbed his nose while saying 'shit do you think it was there the whole time I was talking to her?'. To which I replied, 'Yes. Yes I believe it was'. FAIL!! Then I did a my in your face fail dance. With pointy jazz fingers.
Anyway with naughty stray bogey safely restrained & hidden from my sight** on his finger, (he didn't know I was watching this by the way. He doesn't know that I can actually watch Amazing Race & watch what he's doing right beside me at the SAME TIME. I have incredible observation skills) I watched him lean forward & wipe it (I am not fucking lying right now) on the bottom of our couch like it was a piece of well chewed chuddy gum being hidden under the school desk.
**I can handle pretty much anything, except bogey. I remember once when I was about 11, a girl in my class was sitting beside me on the bus on our way to cooking/woodwork class (I went to a country school. We had to head to the big city for that shit). Anyway she had her finger buried deeply in her face canal & pulled out the biggest honking booger I have ever seen. I took one look at it & projectile yakked all over her lap. And I didn't even feel bad. Bad things happen when you behave like a dirty whore. The end.
Anyway back to the story, I turned to him & said 'what in the fuck did you just do with that bogey!!!?'.
'Um...... (sheepishly)....nothing' *hanging his head in shame because he knows I just busted him defiling our spensive lounge suite with his clanger.
'No way!! Bogie's DO NOT go there!!!'
'Well I didn't have anywhere else to put it'.......*me holding up the box of tissues on the coffee table not 30cm away from the both of us.
I then carried on with my angry tirade telling him that that is something a 3 year old boy would do & while he's at it why doesn't he go take a shit in the corner of the lounge on the carpet. He sat there looking really bummed out. I felt bad but I was so pissed.
Now my husband always has a reason for everything he does that I don't like. I gotta give him credit, he is the master of ad-libing bullshit excuses. He tried to tell me that he panicked because he had nothing to wipe it on & that I apparently I wipe my bogeys on things all the time. Like the car door. I agreed yes I have in the past but I always make sure I wipe it on the outside of the car door so the wind speed velocity can remove it while the car is in motion. AND if that doesn't work, the rain will get it.
He can teabag me til I have bruises on my face & fart on my leg in bed as much as he likes but I draw the line at wiping bogeys on the furniture.
So I went & bought about 5 boxes of tissues. To add to the 3 I already have scattered around the house, & I muthafucking labelled them, just in case he gets confused. Something like this......
Bitch please, you can't beat me at this game.
I also labelled a whole heap of things around the house where he is not allowed to put his snot. But he removed them because he was annoyed. Anyway I put one on the couch (obviously), my pillow, the TV, my guitar, our bathroom towels, my laptop & basically anything that is mine.
I did however label some other things that he can put bogeys on that aren't tissues. Like his xbox, his PC, his ipod, playstation, Anime collection & just to prove how serious I am about all this & drive the message home, my badass sharp as fuck kitchen machete. Go there with your finger bogey Hooker & I will lovingly stick your hand in a blender.
When Blake & I were mates, pre-getting together, he used to drive an old White Mitsubishi. Aptly named 'old whitey'. Truth be told that old whitey got a battering from my bogie's. And I was very open about it. He was that much in love with me that he didn't even care that I constantly wiped my boogers all over his passenger seat & inside of the car door. I didn't have tissues & was fond of a good bore out on occasions. Whats a girl to do? Wipe it on the door. That's exactly what I did.
So when I went back to Uni at the end of every summer he had something to remember me by. I also told him that when I got famous he could sell his Becky car door bogie art on Ebay for a tidy sum. No one can say that I am a shithouse friend. Personal, original & thoughtful. BOOM.
I don't do that anymore. Because our car is exactly that. OUR car. Which means I own half bitches!!
One more thing before I go, next time you are sitting in a public toilet stall, scan the walls. I guarantee you will find someones boog there. I have never got why people wipe it on toilet doors when they have a roll of bog paper at their disposal? I have done some dirty things in toilet, many which I blog about on a regular basis, but I have NEVER planted a greenie on the wall. It makes me gag just thinking about it.
Does your other half/child/someone you live with do something that grosses your shit out?
Happy Friday, Thursday whatevs. It's Friday in my world, I got my new iPhone (which is making me fizz at the bung with love) & I'm catching up with some chicks in the weekend for cocktails. Goodtimes.
P.S How do Astronauts poo in space? I've always wanted to know.
P.P.S Baby if you read this, I bloody love you. But please don't wipe snot on the couch again x