Friday, August 26, 2011

Am I going to be famous for having a poo blog?

This morning when I woke up, I logged onto Blogger & hello, I have 2 more followers. The work poo post proved popular & the general consensus was a big hands up for the turd photo. If you want to see it, (see how nice I am giving you a choice & shit), scroll to the very bottom of this post & feast your eyes. FYI, it's not that gross. I've basically used my elite photo editing skills & made it a fun time. I know you want to look now.

Like any over confident person, I sometimes have moments of self doubt. It's a common & rampant bitch problem. Specifically around the time of the month when the hormonies mess with my ability to reason & make sense of anything that's happening in my life. Then other stuff happens that has nothing to do with the hormonies, like people generally acting like an asshole & trying to destroy my good name & others passing comment about how I should stop swearing so much & talking about shit.

WELL, this morning I received a comment from Heather in New York.

 "You don't know me, I found your blog about 6 weeks ago and you have kept me snorting with laughter through my fiance's chemo treatments. Literally. Snorting. Loudly. I take my iPad with me and read up on your older posts and weep with laughter. The nurses here give me strange looks. I poke fiancé awake and read him the extra funny shit. We love you. We hate cancer. I am so sorry your stepmom is facing this now, and that your Dad is going through it. Sending hugs from New York. Land of earthquakes ( go figure) and hurricanes. Eep. Hugging you hard in my head".

Fuck. It floored me. The heavens opened & my soul wept, with sadness & with gratitude towards this kind stranger from New York.

The reason I write is because I need to. If I don't write, I will explode. Like for real smash some shit up rage explosion. This is my therapy.

I write because somewhere in the world, someone's soul mate is being kicked in the ass by the ugly fat bitch cancer & my little poo blog is making them laugh.

The reason I write is because I've made it one of my goals in life make you beautiful whores smile.

To Heather in New York - I don't know you either. But I love the fuck out of you & your husband. I've requested on many occasions for a meeting with god himself so I can stab him in the sack for making good people sick. I'm sorry your husband is suffering. And that you have to be in the midst of the cancer shitstorm. No one gave us an instruction manual on how to deal with that. I don't pray often, but tonight I will be saying a prayer for you & your man. I hope with all the hope I possess in my body that he kicks cancers ass. I promise you I will keep being funny.The biggest hugs ever coming out to you & your beloved from across the Pacific. Arohanui, Becky xx
P.S My hugs are pretty awesome. I am like a human beanbag.

Part 2 of my post today is a bit of a mixed bag. 2 things combined in to one short story.

First of all, I think my mum tried to kill me last night. Blake & I went round to her house for dinner. She made curry. And I love me some curry! Specially when I don't have to cook it. However, lately I've been having some gut problems again. Mass fart onslaughts & my bowels are so unpredictable it's frightening.

Anyway I yommed down her curry & it was so hot yo! So dam hot that my nose was dribbling all over my top lip, my face got fricking hot & all I could taste was the intense burn of whatever she laced the curry with. More commonly known as curry. A shitload of curry. I've never been one to step down from a hot curry challenge. Afterwards I swelled up like a full term pregnant woman. I literally could not walk. Blake had to roll me back to the car with a stick like the poor kids do when they play with a car tyre. Fast forward an hour later.......I'm sitting in the lounge playing Angry Birds & booya..... I got a feeling, OOOOOOOO HOOOOOO, that I'm about to shit myself.

I run to the toilet with similar speed to that of The Flash. And I made it just in time before my bowel unleashes it's fury in the most unlady like way ever. The gut cramps had me reeled over in agony while I'm going like the clappers from the other end & I'm thinking Jesus Christ what the hell is going on here. The burny hot mum curry is trying kill me.


Meanwhile, back in the lounge, Blake is watching a rugby game & completely oblivious to his dear wife's anal malfunction & possible death by shit emergency in the bathroom.

I was in there for 40 minutes. A whole roll of toilet paper later, I emerged looking like a new woman. Slightly pale, but definitely skinnier. When I told Blake he was disgusted & kept to his side of the bed last night just in case Mount Becksuvius had a manic uncontrollable eruption during the night. It didn't......

Mainly because I was too busy dreaming about how I lost my legs & had prosthetics from the knees down with freaky motherfucking dolls feet. And I'm so distraught because my mum took me to Movie World & was standing across the other side of the street eating a soft serve ice cream (which I LOVE) while I'm stranded on a park bench in the scalding hot sun trying to figure out how to use my stupid dolls legs. And I'm crying because I'm sad I don't have my own feet anymore. I woke up crying,with a one blocked nostril, two blocked ears, my own legs & no poos in my pants. All in all it was a successful nights sleep.

One of the best feelings in the world is waking up from a shithouse dream & realising that every things still good.

Have a safe weekend bitches!
Love ya'll HARD.


P.P.S To my mum. If you read this, thanks for dinner last night. And I don't think you really tried to kill me. Love you x


  1. Mrs Social AssassinAugust 26, 2011 at 11:51 PM

    Bex, I woke up in a really bad mood this morning (not for any particular reason) and this has just made me laugh out loud, so thank you! (though my kids are currently looking at me like i'm going slightly mad.....) Hugs to you xxx

  2. @Mrs Social Assassin My pleasure pretty lady. Have a kickass friday xx

  3. Becksuvious.....baaaahahahahahah fucking' glorious......

    when the fuck are you gonna come visit me?.....I promise you can have your own bathroom...I have two

  4. Christmas Poo! And here I was thinking you'd isolated the poo in the picture and photoshopped it up to look like Mr. Hankey! Well done!

    You always keep this whore smiling! :)

  5. HAHAHAHA Mount Becksuvius. Curry can be pretty wicked. I feel your pain. Avoid Ethiopian food. It nearly sent me to the hospital.

    That's a strange dream you had. I wonder what Freud would say...


  7. I love your shit posts Bex... seriously. Gut cramps? Shitting yourself? YEEEEAH real life comes a'knockin'!

  8. DUDE...check out this poo post....her man shaped the morning pick up of dog poo into "I love you" and left it on newspaper for her.....I fuckin'

  9. I just woke up from a crazy and upsetting dream but this one was about math... we had a test on our first day in class and they took our metals away so if we didn't pass we didn't get our metals back..

    plus there was a huge alien octopus.

    wow... my brain is messed up.

  10. Good gravy, woman, you had me crying and laughing all at the same time!
    Fiancé (aka Roomie, Aka Chemo-Sabi) got his FINAL treatment of this round yesterday!!! I gave him his shot in the butt (something to help him make white cells) today and now we are DONE!! Woot! This has been a long 6 months, but if it gives us a good, LONG remission, it will be worth it. Thank you for your sweet mention, and most of all for helping lighten up a shitty (no pun intended) situation!!
    Hugging your neck

  11. I... I am a beautiful whore?

    *smiles broadly and does a little fairy dance*

    Kudos on the shit blog as well!

    No... wait...

  12. Found you via Dan Perez, and yes, it would seem, your poo post made you a little bit more famous! Well, it made you awesome in my eyes 1)because I can't poo so anyone who has anal malfunction is kind of like a super hero in my eyes, and 2) your writing is amazing, clearly you have a gift that I will come back to witness often! Have put your blog on my desktop! PS: How lovely was that woman's comment! I love her fucking ass to now!


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