A few days ago a package arrived at her house. This is a common occurrence at Mr & Mrs Rush's house, much to Mr Rush's disgust, because my best hoe likes to shop yo.
Anyway, I sat in my newly claimed Becky not really mine lounge chair, in the Rush's lounge, trying to contain my excitement at her excitement at the mysterious treasures inside the present box. I bloody love prizes. Even prizes that aren't mine. If there's a wrapped present in the vicinity of any place I may be, I can't stop thinking about it until that fucker is opened & contents within revealed.
This particular present was some baby wipes. 6 packets of Sesame Street themed baby wipes. What the fuck. ANTI CLIMAX. My inner dick just went flaccid.
After the initial disappointment wore off, I got hella confused. Mr & Mrs Rush don't have no babies in their house? I checked the kitchen cupboards, hot water cupboard, clothes dryer, under spare bed, & all the other cool hiding places for neglected babies, guess what...... NO BABIES?
Why oh why do we need 6 packets of baby wipes when there is no babies?
Well, let me tell you something for nothing, my girl here has some tricks up her sleeve. Possibly one of the best things I have heard in a thousand years. I know I'm only 32, but if I was a thousand, this would still be the best thing I've ever heard.
My best mate uses the baby wipes after poos. To clean her bum.
How the hell did I not know about this? Like seriously, I am the shit queen. I know everything there is to know about toilets, farts & poos. It was like a religious revelation. It was like the missing cherry on my poo cake. I swear I willed a mud on just so I could try it out. And boy did my crack feel so fresh & so clean. Elmo cleaned my ass. No shit.
No skid marks for this kid. No sir. Not that I skid anyway. My toilet paper usage will pay tribute to this. I would rather block a toilet than skid. True story. Toilet blocking, regardless of the fact I am actually proud of my mad toilet blocking skills, will now be a thing of the past in Becky's world.
3 days later, I could not be more excited about going home & sharing this new found glory with my beloved. He is also a very clean & particular bum wiper. I am going to buy some baby wipes for home & I am even going to buy a handbag sized 'on the run' packet for those messy soft serve dumps. Don't say yuck, you know you've done more than one of these in your life time.
I've been doing a lot of thinking & all this baby wipe ass wiping business makes so much sense to me. Baby wipes are used to clean the poo off baby's bums. Why have we not carried on this practice through our lives? Do we all of a sudden become not good enough to have our asses actually cleaned after toilet time & are subjected to a life of 2 ply? Bitches pleas, I love my ass. I want to take care of it.
My only complaint, after baby wipe wipe-age, it can be a tad on the moist side. Only then do you need to resort to a quick toilet paper wipe because me personally, I don't like a moisty crack. TIP: If there's no toilet paper, the closest hand towel will be suffice. Your ass is theoretically clean, no one will ever know.
Also don't get scented wipes. Anus's are sensitive wee things. You might give yourself an itchy rash. You have been warned.
I hope you, my dear friends, can go forth & use this brilliant life tool. If you do this already, quite frankly I'm disappointed you didn't tell me.
P.S Whatever you do NEVER EVER NEVER look up Milky Cocopuff on Urban Dictionary. I so just reverse psyched you right now. But mum seriously, don't look it up. It wasn't me, it was Kylie.
P. P. S I am going home on Thursday. Mixed emotions. Sad to leave Wellington because I love the shit out of this city& spending time with Kylie & Dave, but I love my husband more. I can't wait to pash his face off.
P. P. P. S I meant what I said about those dam Crock shoes.
*No babies were harmed in the making of this post. Nor would I ever neglect or hide a baby in a cupboard. If I did I would at least give them some biscuits & a toy. And I wouldn't lock the door. Because that would be mean.