Tuesday, August 9, 2011

If I see you wearing Crocks, & you aren't a chef or small child, run in the other direction. I may hurt you.

My best friend is a freakin genius. Every once & a while she invents something that blows my motherfucking mind.

A few days ago a package arrived at her house. This is a common occurrence at Mr & Mrs Rush's house, much to Mr Rush's disgust, because my best hoe likes to shop yo.

Anyway, I sat in my newly claimed Becky not really mine lounge chair, in the Rush's lounge, trying to contain my excitement at her excitement at the mysterious treasures inside the present box. I bloody love prizes. Even prizes that aren't mine. If there's a wrapped present in the vicinity of any place I may be, I can't stop thinking about it until that fucker is opened & contents within revealed.

This particular present was some baby wipes. 6 packets of Sesame Street themed baby wipes. What the fuck. ANTI CLIMAX. My inner dick just went flaccid.

After the initial disappointment wore off, I got hella confused. Mr & Mrs Rush don't have no babies in their house? I checked the kitchen cupboards, hot water cupboard, clothes dryer, under spare bed, & all the other cool hiding places for neglected babies, guess what...... NO BABIES?

Why oh why do we need 6 packets of baby wipes when there is no babies?


Well, let me tell you something for nothing, my girl here has some tricks up her sleeve. Possibly one of the best things I have heard in a thousand years. I know I'm only 32, but if I was a thousand, this would still be the best thing I've ever heard.

My best mate uses the baby wipes after poos. To clean her bum.

How the hell did I not know about this? Like seriously, I am the shit queen. I know everything there is to know about toilets, farts & poos. It was like a religious revelation. It was like the missing cherry on my poo cake. I swear I willed a mud on just so I could try it out. And boy did my crack feel so fresh & so clean. Elmo cleaned my ass. No shit.


No skid marks for this kid. No sir. Not that I skid anyway. My toilet paper usage will pay tribute to this. I would rather block a toilet than skid. True story. Toilet blocking, regardless of the fact I am actually proud of my mad toilet blocking skills, will now be a thing of the past in Becky's world.

3 days later, I could not be more excited about going home & sharing this new found glory with my beloved. He is also a very clean & particular bum wiper. I am going to buy some baby wipes for home & I am even going to buy a handbag sized 'on the run' packet for those messy soft serve dumps.  Don't say yuck, you know you've done more than one of these in your life time.

I've been doing a lot of thinking & all this baby wipe ass wiping business makes so much sense to me. Baby wipes are used to clean the poo off baby's bums. Why have we not carried on this practice through our lives? Do we all of a sudden become not good enough to have our asses actually cleaned after toilet time & are subjected to a life of 2 ply? Bitches pleas, I love my ass. I want to take care of it.

My only complaint, after baby wipe wipe-age, it can be a tad on the moist side. Only then do you need to resort to a quick toilet paper wipe because me personally, I don't like a moisty crack. TIP: If there's no toilet paper, the closest hand towel will be suffice. Your ass is theoretically clean, no one will ever know.

Also don't get scented wipes. Anus's are sensitive wee things. You might give yourself an itchy rash. You have been warned.

I hope you, my dear friends, can go forth & use this brilliant life tool. If you do this already, quite frankly I'm disappointed you didn't tell me.



P.S Whatever you do NEVER EVER NEVER look up Milky Cocopuff on Urban Dictionary. I so just reverse psyched you right now. But mum seriously, don't look it up. It wasn't me, it was Kylie.

P. P. S I am going home on Thursday. Mixed emotions. Sad to leave Wellington because I love the shit out of this city& spending time with Kylie & Dave, but I love my husband more. I can't wait to pash his face off.

P. P. P. S I meant what I said about those dam Crock shoes.

Peace!

*No babies were harmed in the making of this post. Nor would I ever neglect or hide a baby in a cupboard. If I did I would at least give them some biscuits & a toy. And I wouldn't lock the door. Because that would be mean.

22 comments:

  1. It sooooo wasnt me ma linda!!

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  2. 1. As someone who is married to a plumber, you CANNOT safely flush those things down the toilet, EVEN WHEN THEY SAY YOU CAN. And 2, spending money on baby wipes to wipe a babies arse is a waste of the no money you have when you have children. I wipe my babies bums with toilet paper, thats what toilet paper was invented for, you had it right to start with...

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  3. @punkbaby 3 words. Cupboard. Biscuits. Toy. x

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  4. I know someone in my household (there's just me and hubby) who has to use these all the time. But he, I mean "this person" has very specific preferences about the brand this person buys. Apparently some can really sting. No wonder babies cry. hahaha

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  5. Lol. Sorry Bex! Been using the wipes for years now. But don't use the ones made for babies, ok? They weren't designed to be flushable, and will block up your toilet. Cottonelle and a few other brands have designed wipes specifically for adult (read: flushable) use. They are a godsend, especially since I live a a country that doesn't do bidet's. Love having me a clean tush!

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  6. Haha..... you know what also works in a pinch.... socks ....or curtains .....or the cat.

    P.S. I must agree with you on the crocks. Screw you crocks wearers!! Screw you!

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  7. I'm with BettyZade on this one. If you own your home or pay your own plumbing repairs go with the adult version. I think FDS or Summer's Eve makes some too. Flushable is best. I used to have directions for making baby wipes when my kids were little because every brand we tried burned the skin right off their asses.

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  8. calendula and tea tree oil to make your own. And as a plumbers wife, I must say again, that even the adult ones that say are flushable are not. If they don't block up your toilet they will block up the pipes down the way.

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  9. Milky cocopuff >_< Why??? In other news, what's the final verdict? Wipes, CAN THEY BE FLUSHED?

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  10. Ok I only spent one summer wearing Crocs and I was heavily pregnant at the time so Im pretty sure I can be excused! Plus I live in Mot so its not like anyone noticed he he he:)

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  11. I fucking hate Crocs. My mom sent a cheap, dollar-store pair for my daughter, once; they met the trash bin immediately.

    I've been using Cottonelle wipes, since they are flushable and septic safe. Baby wipes are awesome, but they will kill your plumbing :(

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  12. "My inner dick just went flaccid."

    So stealing this.

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  13. www.sickoffillingthisineverytime.comAugust 10, 2011 at 7:45 PM

    woahhhh wipes opened a can of whoop arse bahahahahaha

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  14. I wore crocks when I worked at the hospital. Am I still gonna get hurt? I admit that I do still wear them when I hang out the washing or attempt to garden :D

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  15. If you were to put a baby in a cupboard, you probably SHOULD lock it yo. What if that milk-guzzling zombie were to lean and fall out? That's on YOU!

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  16. OH! PS! I don't want to risk clogging up the pipes, so besides using the adult, flushable wipes, I rip them in half first. The unused half sits in the box till I'm ready to #2 again, and half a sheet is plenty for me. It also makes the wipes last that much longer before I have to go buy more.

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  17. I buy the special adult ass wipes that come in a handy plastic pop up box that also comes with a little stick on holder thing that you can attach to your bathroom wall right above the toilet paper roll if you are so inclined. I don't attach my wipes to the wall because it's unsightly but do keep them close by. And, I'm usually wearing my CROCS while wiping my ass. Because, while also unsightly, they are the single most comfortable things you can put on your feet. And I'm old so I don't care about fashion anymore.

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  18. I use these for shitting, AND when George is visiting....where HAVE you been???? How do you not know about this???......sister you are slippin'

    Oh and I am waiting for irony to hit...some ass wearing crocs and gets eating by a crocodile....and all that is left is a floating foot in a croc.....

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  19. You didn't know about the baby wipes? Damn. I figured with your expertise in the shit arena, you would've already known about that. Or maybe you've never not been able to wipe because of the pain. Just sayin'.

    And you hit the ball right in the sack, Bex. When using baby wipes, you have to follow up with a quick dry piece of toilet paper, or you walk around feeling like you just got out of a prostate exam.

    One of my friends hates crocs, too. Sorry to say - and I know I'm going to lose your respect here - but I wear them. Not all the time or anything, just around the house.

    But wait, before you tell wag the dad to fuck off, I had a REASON to wear them. A few years ago my feet got really fucked up. Two of my middle toes swelled up like sausages, on both feet. My fuck ass doctor gave me a shot and had me get an MRI, because "it could be cancer," and when we got the results back he was all "yup, your feet are swollen."

    My mom told me to suck it up, ignore it, and it would go away on its own. So then my wife ordered me these special orthopedic crocks.

    The swelling went down in a week.

    So I didn't buy the crocs because they were crocs. I got them gifted to me because I wasn't going to be able to walk if I didn't wear them.

    Is that OK?

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  20. Oh, and once you've had kids? It's fucking impossible to use baby wipes without the smell making you think of shit.

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  21. This could possibly get it all sorted:
    http://www.mintyass.com/

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  22. The potential problems of a moisty crack have always scared me off of any kind of wet wipe, but maybe if the the hand towels are in play--it might work. I don't know, though--I've got two kids that love the outdoors and I worry the hand towels might have actually been somewhere worse than my ass.

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