I had planned an epic blog post for today, it's 3/4 written but I can't finish it right now. My funny has been replaced with a deep & overwhelming sadness.
Someone that features regularly in my life is dying of cancer. She's just finished her first chemo treatment & got her head shaved on Monday because her hair has already started to fall out. She has terminal cancer & her doctor has told her to 'get her affairs in order' & the other old favourite 'do the things you want to do, NOW'. She doesn't have long & the chemo is possibly buying her a little bit more time but mostly making her sicker than hell.
My Dad is married to this woman. No she's not my mum, but she has been married to my Dad for the majority of my life.
My Dad rang me tonight for our monthly gossip (he lives in another town 1.5 hours away from me). He sounded positive, almost upbeat, telling about how his soul mate had had her head shaved earlier in the week & is wearing a wig. And how they went up town today & she wore a beanie like some hip street kid. We laughed about it because it's all so fucking ridiculous & we talked about how some of their friends have stopped calling around. I told him people sometimes do this when there's cancer around because they don't know what to do or how to deal with it. They still love her, but cancer is scary. Even to those that don't have it.
We talked some more about how me, my sister, the husbands & kids are all going to go over in 2 weeks for a visit & to see their new house.Yes he sounded positive. However, underneath that facade, he is absolutely inconsolably devastated. I know my Dad. I can hear it in his voice. At least this time he could actually talk to me without crying. But I could tell he was trying hard not to cry because she was there listening.
I got off the phone & cried so fiercely, I nearly fell over like people do in the movies. I always thought that sort of crying was bullshit, but it's not. That's called grief. I'm grieving for my Dad's wife & the battle she's losing with her own life. And I'm grieving for my Dad, my pretend strong Dad, who's currently watching the woman he loves die a little bit more each day. So unfair. And so dam sad.
I've cried this hard before. When my mum's husband died of cancer 6 years ago. I watched him waste away to nothing & I was there when he passed away. That time will forever be ingrained in my head. Watching my mum deal with that was heartbreaking. She is one of the strongest women I know.
So from me, my sister, my dad, my mum, all our close family & friends & anyone else who's lost someone close to cancer.......
FUCK YOU LIFE AND YOUR FAT UGLY BITCH CANCER!
That is all. And thanks for listening.
Love from Becky x