These Things I know

VANDALS AREN'T AS SMART AS THEY THINK THEY ARE
I know that when vandalising someone else's property it is not a good idea to gouge your full name into said vandalised property. You can't hide from Google search motherfucker.

NOT HANDBAG BACKPACKS
I know that backpack style hand bags are not handbags. They are backpacks. And are hideously shit. If you walk past me with one on, don't act all surprised if I rip that non handbag backpack right off your back & stomp on it death.

SOMEONE SHIT OUTSIDE MY WORK FOR REAL.
I now know, that I don't really know what to do if someone actually does leave a giant *turd outside my place of work. I knew the day would come when this would finally happen. And that day is today. While I was taking out the trash, I happened to look down & was greeted by possibly the biggest shit I have ever seen. I looked at it, it looked at me, I looked at it again, scratched my head & thought to myself, 'no way, it just can't be'. Well yes Becky, it can.

I ran back inside & sat at my desk trying to comprehend if what I just saw was real. So I went & looked again, yep it's a poo. So I went back to my desk. The whole time I am still holding the full black trash bag in my hand like it's my trusty steed & we just witnessed a terrible crime together. I sit there for a whole hour telling everyone that comes in to my office about the poo outside. They laugh, but they do nothing. It's my problem to fix apparently.

So I decide yes I can do this. A  few plastic bags is all I need. I mask up by tying my scarf over my face & nose, like a bad ass western bank robber. If I smell it, I will vomit. I venture outside with 3 plastic bags layered inside each other, stealthing outside my office like the hobo that picks up all the cigarette butts every morning & tries to hide from me.

People drive past & rubber neck, trying to figure out what the chubby girl with a scarf on her face is doing outside the taxi office dancing in the tornado like wind with all the plastic bags. I look at the poo, it looks at me, I run back inside & sit at my desk. I turn the radio up to try & drown out my thoughts.

This Mexican stand off carrys on for another 2 hours. Every time I go back outside to face the shit monster of death I dry retch myself a new pair of abs. I've been defeated by a shit.

Finally one of our pretty lady taxi drivers romps into the office for a drink. She asks me why I look so sad so I proceed to tell her about the poo. No worries she says. NO WORRIES?! And off she goes outside with plastic bags, picks up the poo WITHOUT ANY SMELL PROTECTION MASK & dumps the dump in the outside rubbish bin. No worries. Fuck.

I watch all this from behind the safety of the glass doors of my office with my scarf still over my face just incase I smell it through the glass. I am not a soldier of the shit war like I thought. She comes inside & tells me that there's still some stuck to the bush & on the ground but she has to go back to work now. So I fill a bucket with nuclear strength chemically infused hot water & douse the poo remnants. Not once, but 7 times. With my scarf over my face. Done. I felt better & tough, & like I had purpose, even if it wasn't much. I still helped.

*Possibly/probably an animal turd but I couldn't get close enough to decipher this. My rampant gut retching would not let me.

NOT EVERYONE LOVES ME ALL OF THE TIME.
I lost a follower today & you know what, I'm not even a little bit sad. After yet another post involving shit talk I will more thank likely lose another. I will unintentionally offend everyone at least twice in my life time. I can't help it. Cry me a river, shit happens. I think we've discovered today that shit really does happen. Seriously though, if I do offend you, I am sorry. Don't be a hater though. Cos haters end up having people (or a large animal) leave shits outside their office. Learn from me, the Fail Soldier.


Peace!

P.S I took a picture of the bush turd on my phone but decided against putting it on here. It wouldn't be manners plus I don't want to lose any more followers today. But because I'm curious, put your hands up if you want to see it?