Wednesday, August 24, 2011

These Things I know

I know that when vandalising someone else's property it is not a good idea to gouge your full name into said vandalised property. You can't hide from Google search motherfucker.

I know that backpack style hand bags are not handbags. They are backpacks. And are hideously shit. If you walk past me with one on, don't act all surprised if I rip that non handbag backpack right off your back & stomp on it death.

I now know, that I don't really know what to do if someone actually does leave a giant *turd outside my place of work. I knew the day would come when this would finally happen. And that day is today. While I was taking out the trash, I happened to look down & was greeted by possibly the biggest shit I have ever seen. I looked at it, it looked at me, I looked at it again, scratched my head & thought to myself, 'no way, it just can't be'. Well yes Becky, it can.

I ran back inside & sat at my desk trying to comprehend if what I just saw was real. So I went & looked again, yep it's a poo. So I went back to my desk. The whole time I am still holding the full black trash bag in my hand like it's my trusty steed & we just witnessed a terrible crime together. I sit there for a whole hour telling everyone that comes in to my office about the poo outside. They laugh, but they do nothing. It's my problem to fix apparently.

So I decide yes I can do this. A  few plastic bags is all I need. I mask up by tying my scarf over my face & nose, like a bad ass western bank robber. If I smell it, I will vomit. I venture outside with 3 plastic bags layered inside each other, stealthing outside my office like the hobo that picks up all the cigarette butts every morning & tries to hide from me.

People drive past & rubber neck, trying to figure out what the chubby girl with a scarf on her face is doing outside the taxi office dancing in the tornado like wind with all the plastic bags. I look at the poo, it looks at me, I run back inside & sit at my desk. I turn the radio up to try & drown out my thoughts.

This Mexican stand off carrys on for another 2 hours. Every time I go back outside to face the shit monster of death I dry retch myself a new pair of abs. I've been defeated by a shit.

Finally one of our pretty lady taxi drivers romps into the office for a drink. She asks me why I look so sad so I proceed to tell her about the poo. No worries she says. NO WORRIES?! And off she goes outside with plastic bags, picks up the poo WITHOUT ANY SMELL PROTECTION MASK & dumps the dump in the outside rubbish bin. No worries. Fuck.

I watch all this from behind the safety of the glass doors of my office with my scarf still over my face just incase I smell it through the glass. I am not a soldier of the shit war like I thought. She comes inside & tells me that there's still some stuck to the bush & on the ground but she has to go back to work now. So I fill a bucket with nuclear strength chemically infused hot water & douse the poo remnants. Not once, but 7 times. With my scarf over my face. Done. I felt better & tough, & like I had purpose, even if it wasn't much. I still helped.

*Possibly/probably an animal turd but I couldn't get close enough to decipher this. My rampant gut retching would not let me.

I lost a follower today & you know what, I'm not even a little bit sad. After yet another post involving shit talk I will more thank likely lose another. I will unintentionally offend everyone at least twice in my life time. I can't help it. Cry me a river, shit happens. I think we've discovered today that shit really does happen. Seriously though, if I do offend you, I am sorry. Don't be a hater though. Cos haters end up having people (or a large animal) leave shits outside their office. Learn from me, the Fail Soldier.


P.S I took a picture of the bush turd on my phone but decided against putting it on here. It wouldn't be manners plus I don't want to lose any more followers today. But because I'm curious, put your hands up if you want to see it?


  1. I hate those bloody back pack shit bags!!!

  2. Hand up! Just cause I want to see if it matches the hippie turds across the road from my house:)

  3. Wow how can anyone not like the shit you write! I'm always looking forward to reading some, especially at work when I get a break hehe
    Miriam :)

  4. ::holding hand high up:: can't smell it through the computer!

  5. I have a tale about me smacking a girl and yanking off her fake "louis vuitton" backpack....purse....backpack....purse off of her.....that's a post in itself.....

    Dog shit I can handle....but human feces????.....I'm right there with you....but I still have my hand held high

  6. you won't lose me. I love reading you every day. The only complaint I can think of is you make me laugh out loud at my desk and people look at me funny. Their loss dude! Your shit posts rock. I don't think I want to see it though???? maybe kinda....hand raised half mast!

  7. I think I will pass on the poo pic. If you decide to put it into your next post just a give a little warning that way, people like myself, can just scroll past it real quick! Really though, I'm not sure why anyone would find you offensive. I get all giddy like a little school girl when I see you've updated your blog!

  8. If you talk about shit long enough, it will happen! haha

    Thank you for hating on backpacks as much as I do. Once you're out of school, it's time to ditch the backpack!

  9. I like to believe losing a follower is just something that happens when that person is a douche with no sense of humor... or sometimes when the person is being stalked by a crazy person and has to close down their google account and everything associated with their email addresses and start over... or maybe when they witnessed a major mob killing and they go into the witness protection program. I'm betting on the humorless douche thing though.

  10. I had one of those backpack handbags when I was a teenager. Didn't realise people still used them lol. I now have a remarkably large handbag that contains more baby/kid stuff than actual female handbag necessities :)

  11. What if the shit was left outside your office on purpose by said person who may or may not have unfollowed you because of all the shit talk? We shuld totally get 'em back! :)

  12. whoah dude... I don't blame you one bit. Is shit disposal in your job description? It's not in mine.
    Just like when people in the office leave their dirty dishes in the sink, for DAYS. I'm not your fucking mother people.. clean up your shit!

    but someones poo is astronomically worse than dirty dishes... I would have left it all day.

    (and yes, handbag backpacks are awful, terrible, horrid things that NO ONE should use)

  13. Bahahaha this is the second time in two days I've read about someone/something shitting outside of people's works. I think it's a conspiracy!

    Ooooooh I just remembered. I have a story for you. I work at a bank, and one of the perimeter walls is floor to ceiling windows. Well, one day, a dirty hobo with a caravan of carts parked out front, walked over to the wall of windows, dropped trou, and took the biggest dirty shit ever. He proceeded to a) wipe shit off of his hands onto his pants and b) wipe his butt with his t-shirt. And then waltzed off like he hadn't just shit in front of AN ENTIRE BUILDING FULL OF PEOPLE!

    Yeah. Work shitting sucks.

  14. Ooh! Ooh! Did you get a picture of its eyes as it was looking back at you? I wanna see. (Not really. I've cleaned up enough dog shit to last me a lifetime, but thanks for the offer!)

  15. could this be your funniest post ever!!! I had the whole visual thing going on and I even had to hold my breath in case I to could smell this turd. Love it, hand up (I think...)

  16. I would've walked past that poo for everyday for the rest of my life until it turned white & died before I tried to "take care of the situation". You, my dear, are so much better than me. No scarf mask or tripled layered trash bag in the world would've given me the strength. I don't even like picking up my dogs poo. Half the time I just look away and pretend like I didn't see him doing anything (just joking, neighbors, I would never do that).


I love reading your comments. Comments are sexy.