Q & A with Dr B: I have a new office chair called Rachel. She caresses my aching work ravaged body like a new born lion cub.

Dear Dr B.
I have been a long time follower of your not really real but super awesome column of nothing. First of all I would just like to say you are quite possibly the most fucked up & smartest human being ever to walk this planet. And secondly, I have an issue & need your advice. My girlfriend likes me to get her off using tiny Lego men instead of my man beef. We've been together for some time now, she's always been a bit kinky but this Lego obsession is crossing a line. Apart from obviously feeling dissatisfied myself, it's turning me off big time. I'm thinking of breaking it off with her? Should I? Or should I get a Lego man tattooed on my dick & try my luck? I await with baited breath for your wise council.
Lego Man

Dear Lego Man,
First of all, thank you for your gallant praise. I know I'm awesome, & I never get sick of people telling me. Even by people that will willingly stuff their ladies box with children's toys. This is not good for you. And me, being the caring lady I am, am concerned about your needs. My advice, kick that bitch to the curb. Go find someone new that likes the dick. I can't appreciate a woman that likes to bone anything other than what god intended. God intended penis. Or if a lez, the oral stimulation of another woman (some may so god did not intend that, but they can fuck off). Not children's toys. I don't actually know this for sure because I don't follow the religion, but if I was god, this would be my rule. Dump her, this isn't your problem. Plenty more vagina in the sea.
Dr  B

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Dear Dr Becky,
I am somewhat of a cynic when it comes to any sort of extraordinary advice giving. I tend to 'play it safe' & keep life's little curve balls to myself. However, my niece got me on to you after some issues she was having with a boyfriend involving shark/masturbation tendencies. Your advice proved successful for her so I thought I might 'give you a crack'.

 I am a 63 year old women. I have been married to my dear husband for 45 years. While I love him dearly, & still have a fulfilling sexual life, I have a problem with the relationship he has with our cat Monty. If I were to be uncouth & 'put it all out there', I would find myself saying that Monty is a prize prick motherfucking asshole cat.

The problem with Monty the prick cat is that he seems to take up a lot of my husbands attention & time. Monty is as old as the hills, frequently urinates in my slippers & sleeps in my side of the bed. Many nights when I adjourn to the bedroom for some much needed rest, I find myself having to kip down in the spare bedroom as to not disturb this sleeping mongrel feline cuddled up beside my husband.

He's taking my place. This saddens me so. And I'm sure as the sun rises every day that when Monty departs this earth (I feel the time is coming soon) my husband will die of a broken heart. How do you detach a man from his pussy? I am willing to try anything.
Kindest regards,
Mrs Harry Harrington IV

Dear Mrs Harry Harrington IV (seriously?)
There is only one thing you can do in the crisis like this, kill the fucker. And bury it somewhere far away. Then tell your hubs, Monty 'went missing'. Now I do not condone animal murder in any shape or form, but when another pussy starts messing with my man, it's on & there ain't nothing I won't resort to. Mr Harry Harrington IV will be bummed, no doubt, but if he straight up croaks it due to heartbreak over Monty's sudden mysterious disappearance, get back on the bike lady & make like a cougar. There are many young men out there champing at the nads to have a crack at an old sheila like yourself. Blush you may, but Mrs HH I have never spoken truer words. Good luck, And for the love of Mahatma Gandhi, don't get caught burying the cat. You get arrested & jailed for that shit these days.
Yours faithfully, Dr B

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Dear Dr Bex,
I don't actually want any advice. I just wanted to say thanks for saving me from $300 fine. Last weekend my sister Maureen had her 40th birthday party. Anyway we got shitfaced on Jim Beam & on our way in to the nightclubs, while singing my face off to an Evanescence song, I yakked in a taxi. I yakked harder than I've ever yakked in my life....... into a PLASTIC BAG! I read your frickin awesballs blog post where you said to always carry a plastic bag for such moments. Well I took that information on board & I just want to say a big bitchin thanks. I will not mention the fact that I put the yak filled plastic bag into my handbag, & forgot about it. This didn't go so well when my girls & I formed the dance circle of trust around our handbags then proceeded to stomp the fuck out of them like we were in the bridal party at a Greek Wedding. Put it this way, I yakked again when I got home & tried to find my front door keys.
Thanks, Maureen's Sister.

Dear Maureen's sister,
I just died laughing. Next time, bin the yak bag before the stomp of death dance. Or just blow chunks in the taxi. Having to replace the whole contents of your handbag will cost a shitload more than paying the vom fine to the cabbie.
Dr B.

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Dear Doc,
I hate you, you filthy whore. I'm going to burn your house down then take a shit on your open mouthed face while you sleep.
Fuck your face, anonymous.

Dear anonymous,
Sleep with the lights on motherfucker. I will find you.
Dr B.

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Dr B,
How do you hold a fart in? You seem to wise in the ways of the bum. I have a new boyfriend. He's really hot. We have been partying a lot lately & in the mornings, post coital, I get a sudden urges to pass wind. Stinky dead animal/sulphur power baffs. The kind that could possibly blind you. I don't want to gross him out by farting in front of him so I lay beside him while he sleeps like I have rigor mortis because if I even breath I will blow one out. What say you?
Cheers, Gav's Girl

Dear Gav's Girl,
Back in the day when I was a bit of a bogan slapper, I often found myself in this very same situation. But lucky for me I was smart enough to never stay until the sun came up. I used to do what is these days called the hump & run. My nickname was Breakfast. Because I never stayed for it. There are many advantages to this:

• You can sleep in your own bed & don't have to find your way home with the worst hangover you've ever had in your entire life. Or get up & spend an hour in his bathroom making sure you still look 'presentable'.
• Sometimes waking up the next morning beside a drunken night out pull is like a buying a $1 lucky dip. The toy may look shiny & fun on first glance, but after playing with it for a few hours, it ain't nothing but a piece of cheap shit. Save yourself the disappointment. Don't lucky dip or just go home.
• If this person is someone you actually like, you can not, under any circumstance, fart or shit in his vicinity for the first 3 months of your dating life. If you do, it will end badly. For you. Boys don't like bitches who shit or fart. It takes away all the glitter & pretty. 
• In saying this, if you have already chundered in front of him due to too much alcohol consumption, & he's still getting it in, it's likely he won't care if you fart or do poos in his house. He likes you for more than just your hole. Well done!
• If you do insist on staying over at his place, the only thing you can really do is hold the fart in like your life depended on it. I ain't gonna lie to you, your guts is going to hurt bad. If you've been doing this for a while now you will already know the deep ache of the trapped gut fart. Grin & bear it but know that this is bad for you. I hope he's worth it.
• If your urge becomes so bad that you may shit your pants, please fart. He's not going to forgive you ever if your shit yourself in his bed. A small nose burning fart while he sleeps is not a crime. If he chucks a hiss, he's a dick. The end.

Yours faithfully, Dr Bex.

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Dear Dr B,
In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight.
In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight.
I love you, Cat Man

Dear Cat Man,
A weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee e e e a wee om om oooway.
A weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee e e e a wee om om oooway.
I love you too, Dr B

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Dear Dr B,
Sometimes when I'm at home alone (btw this is most nights), I like to cover my face in clothesline pegs. I like the pain. Is there something wrong with me?
Thanks, Peggy Sue

Dear Peggy Sue,
Yes, you are mental, but that's ok. I am not agin to experimentation but I do feel necessary to tell you that you will be fucking up your face tissue severely if you continue with this behaviour. Once a week, go hard, peg your face off. But every day pegging is not going to be good for your future old person face. In fact you will end up looking like a bag of assholes. If you are already ugly though, this won't matter.
Your faithfully, Dr Bex

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Dear Doc,
Sometimes when my husband touches my nipples, dark thunder clouds roll in & I'm all of a sudden overcome with such intense anger that I punch him in the face. I know I could be arrested for domestic violence but my husband won't dob me in because I told him I will punch him again. What's wrong with me?
Cheers, Tits Magee

Dear Tits Magee,
Woah there lady! Man bashing is not the way! I too suffer from what is more commonly known as Angry Tit Syndrome. I have been living with this since I grew boobs at the age of 12. Every time my booby nubs are fiddled with, I want to smash holes in the wall with my fists of rage. Or my forehead.

While I've found this affliction tough to live with, I've developed some helpful tools to get me through the dark times. If your man touches your nips knowing full well the fury it unleashes, he rightly deserves a smacking. Cover your nipples with bandaids & wear this t-shirt with pride.

If anyone trys to touch them while wearing this t-shirt, smack them too. You are essentially warning them so again, they deserve it. From one fellow Angry Tits sufferer to another, don't suffer in silence. P.S. Whatever you do, DO NOT have a baby.
Yours faithfully, Dr Rebecca K Delport.

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Seriously though, my advice is free. Why waste your money on seeing your local GP when you can get it all here for nothing! I wanna reach out & heal the world, make it a better place, for you & for me & the entire human race. Tell your friends.

Peace!