Saturday, August 20, 2011

Epic tantrums, new shoes & a shitload of Moro Bars.

This hooker is not the real
rainbow fairy.
Today I witnessed a 4 year old girl, dressed in a rainbow coloured fairy costume, chuck the biggest motherfucking tantrum I have ever seen in my life. At the checkout. (I don't have kids but evidence shows that this is a commonplace for many a tantrum if you have younger children). Rainbow Fairy was accompanied by her Mum, & her younger sister who had lovely french braids.

For the purpose of this story the tantrum thrower will be 'Rainbow Fairy', little sister will be 'Frenchie' & Mum will be 'Bad Ass Mum'.

The Warehouse Nelson (for those non New Zealanders, The Warehouse is a department store where you can buy basically everything) was particularly busy today due to the fact the weather is fricking primo right now. Spring is on it's way. Which only means one thing to me, SUMMER IS COMING!!!!!!

Blake & I went to buy a book shelf. While standing in the que at the counter, I heard what can only be described as a high pitch gurgling sound. The sort of sound a zombie would make if you slit it's throat with a ninja sword. Followed by the loudest growlhowl I have ever heard in my life. The wolves in the rocky mountains of America would have heard that painful cry from across the oceans, I'm that frigging seriously right now.

I stood & watched on in amazement at the scenario unfolding in front of me. I fucking love watching other people's drama. It makes me giddy with Glee.

Anyway it seems Rainbow Fairy wanted a chocolate bar. Bad Ass Mum had got her a Pony toy instead. Which she holds up & shows her & everyone watching. Clearly the better choice of treat.

Not my Warehouse either but the sky was that blue & cloudless
Up until going to the checkout I am 100% that Rainbow Fairy was stoked with her my Little Pony toy. However, she got blinded by halo like glow surrounding the checkout junkfood section. Those fuckers put it the candy there on purpose I am sure of it. To publicly shame parents when their kids go apeshit.

They have my full attention at this stage when Rainbow Fairy throws herself on to the cold concrete floor & begins shrieking like a hyena on a coke binge, this happens just as they reach the checkout & the cashier starts scanning Bad Ass Mum's basket of loot.

Bad Ass Mum: "If you are going to be a silly, you won't be having this pony" *hold up My Little Pony again & waves it back & forth as if to tantalize the girl. I have witnessed this first hand with both of my nieces. When they want chocolate, there ain't no toy in the world you can bribe their asses with.

Rainbow Fairy: "hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ug ug ug" *sniff

Bad Ass Mum: "Come on, stop being stupid" *with the ultimate poker face. I don't know how she did it.

Frenchie: *Little sis pokes her head from behind mum's legs, waves her diva hand from side to side & says "Yeah stop being stupid!"

Rainbow Fairy: "reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa weird gurgle noise ooooooooooooooooooooo" *sniff sniff

Bad Ass Mum: "We talked about this before we came in to the shop. Didn't I tell you that if you played up you wouldn't be getting a special treat?!" "Dad will be angry with you when we get home".

Boom, bring out the big guns. Nothing gets the sirens wailing like the threat of angry dad.

Frenchie: "Yeah no special treat for you. You naughty" *pointing finger at tantrum throwing Rainbow Fairy sister

Rainbow Fairy: *slapping the concrete floor with her little angry hands "ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeee gurgle gurgle sniff eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

Her cry reminded me of Ludo off The Labyrinth when he starts his call to the rocks once Sarah & co reach the Goblin City. (haven't seen it? I suggest you watch it. Bowie in Lycra with a major mullet. Oooh. Actually Bowie looks minga in this movie but I was young & had no experience in manly hotness). This is Ludo. He's my friend.

By this stage I am pissing myself. It's the funniest shit I have seen all week. Rainbow fairy has no idea that she currently has a captive audience of about 30 people & is bringing the fucking house down. Blake & I look at each other & absolutely hose ourselves. She's cracking major shits for the chocolate yo. Never have a I witnessed a more convincing & emotive performance.

I don't remember doing so but I manage to pay for my goods & exit the store while not taking my eyes off Rainbow Fairy.

They left the store the same time as Blake & I. Bad Ass Mum & Frenchie are walking 7 superior steps ahead of Rainbow Fairy. She is dragging her feet behind them crying her fucking guts out, while the A Team stalk off in front of her. Hoping maybe Bad Ass Mum might just change her mind last minute, go back in to the store & buy the chocolate bar. I love how kids will always keep hopefull.

Bad Ass Mum: "I told you what would happen if you carried on like this. You will not be getting your toy when you get home"

Frenchie: "Yeah no toy for you naughty!"

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!" *nearly gets hit by oncoming carpark traffic.

She's been defeated by the A Team & given up the fight.

I laughed all the way to the car. Amongst our mirth, Blake & I both turned to each other at the same time & said 'FUCK that'.

I bought some new trainers today. I love them. And possibly don't really need them but they were half price & my other ones aren't so flash anymore. Women don't need an excuse to buy shoes. I know all my bitches out there in blog land are going to back me the hell up on that one.

Blake & I then went out for lunch to the cafe he used to work as a chef. It was a really nice day, hanging out with my man, doing husband/wifey shit.

I'm already in my pyjama's & it's only 5pm. I'm going to have a quiet night in, make some lemonade scones & watch some TV. Then tomorrow I'm going to Ecofest.

A couple of things before I go..........

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me best girl Kylie. I love you heaps & wish I could be there to help celebrate your birthday with you xx

Thank you to everyone for your kind messages of love & support following my sad post the other day regarding my Dad's wife. Cancer affects families all around the world. I'm cyber hugging the shit out of each & everyone of you.

Lastly, I saw an elderly man in the supermarket on Thursday night. He was an overweight old guy. I quietly cheered him on inside when I saw him off load a large bottle of calorie free soda onto the conveyor belt. I didn't cheer him on so quietly inside when he then loaded about 200 Moro Bars behind the calorie free soda.

I turned to Blake & said what the fuck is he going to do with all those Moro Bars? We came up with a few ideas.
  • Maybe he has 200 grandchildren & there's a family reunion coming up.
  • Maybe there's a competition going on where you can win awesome shit from buying Moro Bars. He was just trying to up his chances.
  • Maybe they were for him & his friends to share on Thursday night Coronation Street party?
  • Maybe he has 200 cats with chocolate addictions.
  • Maybe they are xmas presents for all his facebook friends.
  • Maybe he was opening his own candy shop & was purchasing stock.
  • Maybe he was sending some to his grandson overseas? Those funny kiwis love there Moro's bro & you can't buy them anywhere else in the world.
  • Maybe he moonlights as chocolate Santa?
  • Maybe he is a hardcore stoner & is topping up his munchy stash?
  • Or maybe, he's going to eat them all himself because he doesn't have a bitch ass wife to grind his chops about the diabetes?
Old people do weird shit. They know what they like & he obviously likes Moro Bars. While I was kind of judgey about it initially, I actually thought well he's probably had a really good life, if he wants to eat 200 Moro's, then he's can have 200 hundred Moro's.

I am putting together an awesome prize pack for this months winner Wednesday competition.
It will be drawn on the 1st Of September.
Prizes include:

Ninjabread Men Cookie Cutters - so dam rad I have nothing to say about them at all.

RoboCup Measuring Cup Set - Breaks up into measuring cups. 

Aracade Salt & Pepper Shakers - So geeky cool

Shitlist Note Pad - Make your very own shitlist.

Knuckle Duster Stress Beater - Squeeze the shit out if it when your boss gets up in your business or your kids kick you in the balls by accident

To enter, you must be a follower of my blog on blogspot. Other than that, read T&C's here.

Have a bitchin weekend!


  1. but without the kids, where else would you get your free entertainment :P

  2. Maybe the old man did have diabetes and was going home to kill himself? What a way to go death by chocolate:)

  3. Thank you for helping me pick this years Halloween Costume "Hooker Rainbow Fairy" I'm sure all my fags are gonna love it!!!!

    Nice Kicks BTW, put them to good use......xoxoxox

  4. Nope, you're right: women don't need any excuse to buy shoes. It's a privilege we get for putting up with men. LOL!

    As for temper tantrums, you should see my Coco have one. He literally collapses onto the floor (face first!) and bangs his forehead into the ground. The whole time, he screams and cries. It's terribly embarrassing!!! Ugh! KIDS!

  5. Yep, I said "Fuck that shit" a long time ago to the notion of kids. I haven't regretted my decision yet. And ever tantrum I witness only makes me happier. hahahahaha

    Where do you find this awesome stuff? The Robot is crazy!

    Love your shoes. Me, I would add some hot pink laces too. But that's just me. ;)

  6. Hyena on coke huh?
    The prizes are fucking brilliant.

  7. What gets to me is when parents look at you as if to say "Awwww, isn't she cute? She's throwing a tantrum, the little minx"
    I just think "Get your goddamned brat out of my way"
    Or something to that effect :)

  8. that's fucking hilarious.... I'd be laughing my ass off too in that situation.

    though I'm SO not looking forward to having kids of my own and trying to be bad ass mum myself... haha

    those shoes are rad!

  9. Each of my kids tried the tantrum thing exactly once. I truly enjoyed putting back every single decent item they had chosen during the whole shopping trip. There's some good solid fun in traipsing back through the supermarket putting back the box of cereal they wanted and getting corn flakes instead, out goes the SunnyD and in goes that OJ with Vitamin D, etc. Flintstone vitamins? ooooh I don't think so. That stuff is for the good kids of the world. You're getting the nasty generic bitter chewables. Yay you! Usually doesn't take more than once :D

  10. Love the Ninjabread Men Cookie Cutters, where do you get them from?

    I find it funny when my nephew has a tantrum he pulls out the "but I need it Jackie" or something else involving my name with this sad face thinking I will give in to the cute eyes, but I never fold and it makes me laugh (he is 3).

  11. WOW those are some cool ninja cutters! Please facebook me to tell me where you get them, I am looking for some skull ones!
    and when nigel was a teenager he worked at McDonalds, he used to laugh when people would buy themselves 3 combos and then ask for a diet coke haha

  12. I am holding my breath laughing so hard. The big bad boss is in today, not a good time to read your blog. Surely I should know better by now.

  13. Imagine what this little girl will be like if she grows up to be a crack whore and needs a hit.


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