What happens if I get out of a taxi extremely shitfaced & drop my cellphone, which I was just holding in my hand, down the grate of the sewer drain?
This happens more often than you think. And the only thing you can do is say a little prayer to baby Jesus because you will never see that phone again. Not only will it be drowned in the neighbourhood underground wee/poo river, but the scary IT clown from that Stephen King movie will probably claim it for his own & stalk call your friends. He lives down there. I saw it on TV when I was 11. And to my sister Hayley, I'm sorry for putting this picture on here, but people needed to know who the bad drain clown is.
What if I slip out a sneaky baff & it accidentally comes out solid?
You've just shat your pants. And the worst thing is, you did it on purpose. The sheer force alone of squeezing out the 'little' fart, back fired on your ass. Literally. If you are in the work toilet, you need to set up a makeshift cleaning room in the toilet. Make sure that door is locked. If you need to, put up some crime scene tape. It's better to make people think someone actually died in there than you accidentally sharting in your pants & committing an ultimate pants crime. This is serious business. Wash your underwear in the basin with some hot water & hand soap (this is going to suck, but hey at least it's your shit & not someone else's), then dry your panties under the hand dryer. Boom, freshly washed & dried underwear, minus stinky farty mess.
What happens if I'm at someones house I don't know that well & their dog starts humping my leg?
For whatever reason, the realms of dog fuckery have made your leg look like a top notch root bag. Don't feel special. Dogs will root anything. The only thing you can do in this situation is give it a short sharp boot to the scrotum. If it's a lady canine, kick it in the slats. I don't advise any sort of animal abuse but if you want to stop a dog trying to make babies with your leg, it's your only option. If the owner didn't witness it, & questions you why their dog just screamed like a man that's been set on fire, you know nothing. However, if the dog goes feral & attempts to rip your leg off, then you must scream like a man that's been set on fire. Dogs need to know their place in the big circle of like. Having relations with a human leg is not productive to their species. It's annoying & kinda gross. Especially if the pink lipstick is out.
What do I do if I turn up to work & someone has left a steaming pile of shit on the doorstep?
This has never happened to me, but with the humongous amount of comedic hatred I spurn from my little blog here, it's inevitable that it will happen at some point. Nothing says 'I hate you' more than a random pile of shit on your doorstep. There's only one thing you can do, pretend you never saw it, & leave it for the next person to deal with when they come to work. Excuses such as 'I came in the back way this morning' or 'I woke up this morning & up until I turned sat down & turned my computer on I was suffering from temporary blindness'. OR if you have the time, go & buy a pirate patch & tell them in the weekend an angry seagull tried to eat your good seeing eye right out of your skull. If you live where I live that is a completely plausible lie. The seagulls in my town are like small angry dinosaurs.
What if there's a big earthquake while I'm sitting on the toilet making poos?
With a history of devastating earthquakes in my small country, this piece of useless information could potentially keep you alive in a time in such an emergency. There's nothing you can do if your house decides it wants to fall down. Being prepared is your only hope. Buy yourself a good wet suit. Sew in some mega padding, a handy dandy pocket for your cellphone/snacks, & a zip hole around the ass region. Also buy yourself a durable helmet.You will look like Scuba Steve & look like a complete dick, but you will thank me for saving your life when your lavatory ceiling caves in on your head.
I was a Girl Guide when I was younger. I mostly got in trouble during my guiding years for such things as playing with matches, cussing & never wearing my proper uniform. But one thing I did learn was to 'Always Be Prepared. The guide leaders made us chant it like a pack of tambourine clanging Harekrishna's. This is my gift of knowledge to you.
What do I do if my boyfriend proposes to me & I don't want to marry him because I'm actually sleeping with his best friend behind his back?
If I don't find you first, tie you to a large totem pole & set your whory ass on fire, you need to run & hide. There is only one place for cheaters, & that's in the firey pits of hell. Do the sucker fool currently down on his knees professing his love for you in the form of a marriage proposal a favour by saying no & getting on the first plane out of your country of residence. Preferably to Mexico. Find a cheap plastic surgery clinic & request to have your dirty vagina sewn permanently shut. Then go join a convent. Your boyfriend will get over you. Better than resigning him to a lifetime of deceit & lies. The asshole best friend will get a bad case of the herps & no one will ever have sex with him again except his own hand. Karma is a nasty bitch & her & I are on very good terms.
If my son accidentally kicks me in the balls am I allowed to punch him in the face?
I'm a big believer in the saying 'an eye for an eye' & all that. But there's some situations where that saying does not count. This is one of them. Now because I don't own a pair of testes (or do I?! Hairy chin issues make me question this), I can't profess to ever feeling the agonising pain of have them booted so hard they retract back inside the body cavity. However, I have been privy to kicking a few worthy ball bags in my time. My hubs told me that it feels like someone has stabbed you with a hot poker in the manovaries. If it's accidental then no you can't punch your kid in the face. In my country, it's illegal to smack your kid anyway. Me personally, I would take a scrot kick any day if it meant avoiding a good bum raping in prison.
However, if your cherub kicked you there on purpose because he's made the connection that that is your tender spot, fair play, punch him. Just not hard enough to leave marks. And do it inside, away from the eyes/ears of nosey motherfucking neighbours.
And just so we're clear, I never told you to do any of this ok? So don't go writing me no hater mail from jail. Or leaving piles of steaming shit on my porch.
P.S No children, animals, scrotum & cellphones were harmed in the making of this blog. My advice is purely fictitious horseshit lies & if you actually attempt to do any of the things I've just written about, I will more than likely laugh first, then beat you to death with your own arm.